EntertainmentTaylor Swift Fans React To Her Breakup With Matt HealyAfter about one month of dating, Taylor Swift and English singer-songwriter Matt Healy have officially called it quits. The Onion asked Swifties how they felt about the artist’s latest high-profile breakup, and this is what they said.
Breaking NewsPentagon Releases Images That Appear To Show Random Chinese GuyWASHINGTON—Claiming the seemingly unconnected private citizen was evidence of something probably, the Pentagon released images Tuesday that appeared to show a random Chinese guy. “Though we do not know his name or anything about him, we in the U.S.…
LocalMid-Sized City’s So-Called Rush Hour Absolutely PatheticINDIANAPOLIS—Rolling his eyes at what barely constituted a congested highway, out-of-state driver Habib Khan told reporters Monday that Indianapolis’ so-called rush hour traffic was absolutely pathetic. “So this is what everyone was warning me…
Entertainment‘Oppenheimer’ Given Surprise R Rating For Title Character’s Near-Constant Full-Frontal NudityWASHINGTON—After it determined Christopher Nolan’s latest film was inappropriate for younger audiences, the Motion Picture Association gave Oppenheimer a surprising R rating Monday, citing the title character’s near-constant full-frontal nudity.…
Breaking NewsElizabeth Holmes Discovers Secret Of Theranos Technology Right As Prison Cell Door Closes
PoliticsPence Says Decision To Run For President Came After God Told Him He Could Get 6-Figure Speaking Deal From It
LocalChristian Couple Ends Fight With Passionate Makeup AbstinenceCHATTANOOGA, TN—Admitting that they gave themselves fully over to the heat of the moment, local Christian couple Ben Higgins and Miranda Franklin reportedly ended a blowout fight Monday with a round of passionate makeup abstinence. “I have to say,…
Local‘Who Knows What Future Generations Might Judge Us For?’ Says Man Abducting Another Child To Strangle In Basement
PoliticsConservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride MerchandiseAfter threatening boycotts of companies and violence against retail workers, conservatives explain why they’re so triggered by products celebrating Pride Month.
PoliticsEmbarrassed U.S. Excuses Itself From Asia Security Summit After Realizing America Not In Asia
PoliticsEmotional Tim Scott Tells Supporters About Time He Was Followed Around Walgreens For Being Republican
Breaking NewsInternet Divided Over Video Of Black Cop Shooting White Cop Who Was Choking Out Racist White Woman Who Called Police On Black Teenagers
Breaking NewsLockheed Martin Boosts Earnings Outlook Citing Billions Of Innocent People Still Left To Kill
Breaking NewsChick-Fil-A DEI Initiative Replaces All Chicken With Copies Of ‘How To Be An Antiracist’
Entertainment‘Oppenheimer’ Given Surprise R Rating For Title Character’s Near-Constant Full-Frontal Nudity