By Douglas B. Richardson

From www.careerjournal.com

Are you getting some not-so-subtle hints about gaps in your people skills? Your boss may have dropped them during your annual performance review. Perhaps comments came back that you're insensitive to others, arrogant or overbearing.

It could be your manager leveled with you and said you lack the "political savvy" needed for a promotion. Or, closer to home, maybe your spouse is tired of your behavior or you're fed up with finishing second for every new job you seek.

Regardless of who's sending the message, it's clear: You have to change! You have to improve your interpersonal skills.

Let's assume you want to change. Now what? In other words:

• What specifically should you change?

• What specifically can you change?

• What do you do to change?

• How do you make sure any changes for the better will stick?

Fortunately, it's possible to enhance your repertoire of interpersonal skills if you learn the change process. Step 1 is to focus and decide what needs to be changed. Constructive self-development doesn't mean a complete personality transplant. Despite what an exasperated boss or spouse says, no one is "totally clueless," "a complete jerk" or "hopeless." You don't need to work on everything, just the most important thing.

Starting the Change Process

Daniel Goleman, author of "Emotional Intelligence" (Bantam, 1997), describes emotional intelligence, or EQ, as "competencies" that support our ability to create and manage relationships and communicate appropriately in a variety of situations. Unlike intellectual intelligence -- or IQ -- which can't be changed much after early infancy, EQ competencies can be learned and practiced.

EQ has four major components:

1. self-awareness;

2. self-management;

3. social awareness (being empathetic and attuned to diverse social situations); and

4. social skills (which include leadership and collaboration abilities).

Each area includes specific competencies. You may have some in abundance but be lacking in others.

A variety of standardized self-assessment or psychologist-administered "psychometric" instruments can paint a fairly accurate picture of your social strengths and soft spots. However, by being honest with yourself, you can identify areas that need development without formal and costly assessments.

One way is to translate the feedback you receive daily about yourself into specific behaviors. That is, when someone says you are something (such as arrogant, pessimistic, oversensitive, impatient or abrasive), translate these unhelpful overgeneralizations into specific, observable behaviors. What do you do that creates the impression that you're insensitive? Do you interrupt others? Stay emotionally distant? Insult people in front of others? Reveal secrets? Avoid eye contact? Fail to call people by their names?

Unless you opt for psychotherapy, improving interpersonal skills has less to do with rewiring your inner psyche than with adding, subtracting or changing specific behaviors. How other people relate to you depends on how they interpret your actions; frankly, your intent isn't nearly as relevant as the impact of your behaviors. Saying, "I didn't intend to offend you" usually won't get you off the hook.

Quiz Yourself to Gain Insight

To find specific behaviors (or clusters of related behaviors) you'd like to change, complete the accompanying "EQ Quick Quiz." This informal self-assessment can provide insight into your interpersonal abilities and show you where to focus your efforts. If you score a 10 on all 20 EQ competencies, you're: perfect, in denial, lying or completely lacking in self-awareness. But start working on those areas for which you gave yourself a two or a three.

Merely having insight into these areas won't produce change. It's simply the wake-up call. Next you must create and follow a plan to practice new behavior and seek feedback from others on whether your change is effective -- all while trying to work and have a life.

A Start and End Point

It may be easier to follow a series of sequential steps:

Assess your role. Review your work role and determine which EQ competencies are relevant and need to be done well. For example, sensitivity to others' point of view may not be essential if you're an automobile repossessor.

Assess yourself. Review the results of your EQ Quick Quiz and select no more than three competency areas that need improvement.

Honestly gauge your readiness for change. Decide if you're willing to experience the pain and effort of developing greater EQ in exchange for the benefits.

Develop a plan. Create a simple self-directed learning plan that can help you learn or give up certain behaviors.

Ask others for help. Ask people you trust to provide you with candid feedback on a continuing basis. Share your plan with them. Agree about the type of feedback you want, how often they should give it and for how long.

Consciously practice new behaviors. Initially, the changes will feel stilted, stiff and awkward, like learning to ski or mastering a topspin forehand in tennis.

Expect relapses. You've been the way you are for a long time. You'll naturally resist giving up your current style and patterns.

Practice continually, even if you feel self-conscious. Remember, the point of learning is to be self-conscious.

Check up on your new behaviors. Ask others for feedback repeatedly on whether the changes you're making are effective.

Assess yourself. Gauge your progress and reward yourself for making changes.

Three Helpful Suggestions

Although simple, these steps are hard work. Your approaches and techniques for changing will vary depending on the issues you're addressing. Summarizing how to address the various EQ competencies isn't possible in this article. However, these tips about the change process should apply to most situations:

1. Push the pause button. This means to slow down and stop your automatic thoughts, assumptions and actions in response to situations. Instead, inhale slowly for three seconds without talking. This can keep you from instantly responding as you always have, while giving you time to focus on what's going on at the moment.

2. Name the "frame." Take a moment to look at the factors, interests and elements of personal style that are affecting, or shaping the "frame of reference," for everyone involved in an interaction. Ask yourself:

• What setting are we in?

• What are our respective responsibilities?

• What are our respective needs and expectations?

• What are the potential rewards and risks here?

• What communications style am I using?

• What style are others using?

3. Reality-test your assumptions. Before speaking, ask yourself:

• What exactly is going on here?

• Am I sure?

• What else might actually be going on here?

• Is there anything that would work better here?

• What are the alternatives...really?

One Style Doesn't Fit All

Teaching yourself to re-examine your frame of reference is crucial to effectively "re-framing" a situation, or adjusting your assumptions, attitudes, style and message to better fit it. Effective leaders don't use one interpersonal style for all people and situations; they adjust their style to enhance communication and collaboration -- even if it's uncomfortable for them. The trick isn't to change your behavior so dramatically that you seem artificial or manipulative. High-EQ people simply ask themselves repeatedly:

• What demeanor is most appropriate here?

• What behaviors are most effective in dealing with this particular person or situation?

This means more than choosing your words carefully. It includes your posture, voice volume and tone, gestures, body language and eye contact -- things most people don't think about consciously. Remembering to consider and adjust these stylistic factors is difficult, but that's how you'll eventually develop a more effective repertoire of interpersonal skills. If you can do this once successfully, you can do it repeatedly. You'll then have greater control over how you come across, create relationships and deal with conflict. And that feels great.