OK Guys and Gals lets get some humor up here to give us all a laugh.
The only thing I ask is the joke be capable of at least a smile and
must also be suitable for minors.
Please e-mail your funny Joke here -
Q - What do you call a couple that go fishing together?
A -Rod and An-net.
From Elise
An Irish guy goes fishin, is out all day without a bite,
except for a small squid covered in big red splodges.
He puts it in a plastic bag, takes it round to his neighbour.
Says here's that sick squid (six pound) I owe you
A man wakes up at the crack of dawn to go duck hunting.
He gets to his blind just before sunrise and settles in. Over the trees
comes a perfect wedge.
BOOM!
He takes out the lead duck and watches as it falls from the sky, bouncing
off of a barn,
hitting the fence and landing in the yard of the near bye farm.
The hunter sees no activity at the farm house and decides
no one will even notice if he quickly retrieves his trophy.
Just as he lays his hand on the duck he hears a shotgun rack a round
in the chamber.
He looks up to hear the farmer ask "what ye' doin' boa' ?"
Hunter "gettin ma duck thar."
farmer "reckon thats my duck nao boa, hit mah bern, mah fen' dat
ders' mah duck."
The hunter of course not one to quit attempts to argue. This gets him
nowhere.
Farmer " I reckon they ain't but one way ta' settle dis un' , da
country way boa'.
I kick you in da groin, you kick me in da groin n' whoeva lef stannin
keepin' da duck."
The hunter has no choice and agrees.
Farmer "Ima goin first."
The farmer leaps off the porch at a dead sprint and kicks the
hunter with all he's worth right in the jewels.
The hunter spasms to the ground gasping for air,
it takes him 30 + minutes to regain composure and attempt to stand.
Hobbling the hunter says " guessin is' mah turn"
Farmer " Ah you keep dat ol' duck boa."
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom dwelling scum sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
A priest was walking along the cliffs of dover when he came upon to
locals pulling another man to shore on the end of a rope the priest
said that's what I like to see man helping fellow man when the priest
walked of 1 of the locals said well he shore doesn't know the first
thing about shark fishing
I bought my wife a mood ring so that I could tell when she was in a
good mood for me to ask if I could go fishing. When she is in a good
mood, the ring is a pretty light green that matches the colour of her
eyes. When she's not, the ring leaves a little red mark right in the
middle of my forehead.
Take it easy, Good jokes! Gregg
What did the boy beatle octopus sing to the girl octopus?
I Wanna hold your hand! hand! hand! hand! Hand!
I wanna hold your hand! hand! hand! hand! Hand!
Thanks Carole
A guy rings his boss.
I can't come to work today.
The boss asks why?
The Guy says it's my eyes.
What's wrong with your eyes the boss asks?
I just can't see myself coming to work,
so I'm going fishing instead... |
J |
| I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago...
She said it's me or your fishing!
Gee I miss her... |
A blind merman swims into a bar and orders
a glass of clam juice,
when the bar tender returns the blind merman asks if he would like
to hear a blond joke?
The bar tender leans over the bar and says, before you do I must
warn you!
Over there at the end of the bar is king Neptune's ex-captain of
the guards who was fired today,
he is blonde.
At the other end of the bar is a professional hitshark, he is blonde.
My 480 lb door man is in a bad mood because a blind shark ate his
wife 3 days ago, she was blonde.
I lost my scalp to a sword fish 3 weeks ago,I was also blonde.
He than asks the blind merman if he still wanted to tell his joke.
The blind merman feels his watch while he is in thought,
he then replies, I'd like to share a joke with you guys,
but unfortunately I have to leave here in 3 hours
and don't have the time to explain it you all you blondes. |
| How do you stop an old fish from
smelling?
Peg his nose. |
K |
| A MAN'S WISH
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed at home,
and complained when ever he wanted to go fishing.
He wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed.
"I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade
in our bodies".
GOD in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning sure enough the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their
lunches,
drove them to school,came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money
to
pay the power and the telephone bills, drove to both companies
and paid the bills,
went grocery shopping, came home and put the groceries away.
Then it was already 1pm, he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,
vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to school to pick up the kids, and got into an argument with
them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their
homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30pm he began peeling the potatoes, and washing the greens
for salad,
breaded the Pork chops and snapped the fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
the laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9:pm he was exhausted and, though his chores weren't finished
yet,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love,
which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said,
" Lord I don't know what I was thinking, I was so wrong to envy
my wife,
being able to stay at home all day. PLEASE, OH PLEASE !! let us
trade back".
The Lord in his infinite wisdom again, replied,
"My son I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy
to change things back to the way they were.
But you'll have to wait 9 months though, COS YOU GOT PREGNANT
LAST NIGHT ! ! |
| A cold winter fishing trip
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen
lake,
cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited
patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble,
when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice
next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked
a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain
luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large
catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old
man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen
fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo
raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep
the worms warm!"
(DOH!) |
| Dark In Here
A woman takes a lover home while her husband is out fishing.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides
in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little
boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,"Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again". |
Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a
barn when she happened upon
a large pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since her last meal
and she was feeling hunger pains,
so she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out".
She ate and ate....and then...
she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed
her face with her tiny front legs,
belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had
eaten far too much and
could not get off the ground. Wondering what to do about this unpleasant
situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the
barn wall. She'd found a solution!!
She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to
get airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she
took a deep breath,
spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you are full of crap."
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was
home alone with
her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor,
she called "911."
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the
call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold
a flashlight
high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,
and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
Come on, don't be shy, give us a laugh, send in a funny! -
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