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Mind of Brian |
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The Janet Jackson Nipple Ring Conspiracy Here is the real nipple: I used to date Janet Jackson back in the day when she was known as Michael Jackson. I was doing the moonwalk yesterday while pondering the meaning of life. Is Michael Jackson’s hair still on fire because I think his nose is melting. If you could be any famous celebrity on trial who would you be?
MJ and OthersMichael Jackson, the king of pop, the one-gloved man, the king of pedophilia has been arrested on molestation charges. Now I’m not saying that Michael is guilty, but he did pay 20 million dollars to the last kid who accused him of this charge. It’s no different than having gangster Al Capone paying off the cops. Is there a conspiracy against Michael or is he just a smooth criminal?
By the way, we’re one constitutional amendment away from Arnold being allowed to run for president. Now that’s scary.
And finally, actress Minnie Driver is protesting sweat shops by working at one. She is making six cents an hour and says she wont quit until sweat shops are closed down. Minnie, I’m begging you, come back to the States and we’ll gladly pay you six cents an hour for your new movie role.
The Rolling Stones are going to play Toronto and I cant even send them a postcard
Yes, the Stones are going to play to a half million people in two weeks at what’s already being billed as Altamont 2. The vibe is in the air. The real name of the concert is Sars Stock. A half of million people are coming to Toronto to prove that Toronto is safe from Sars. Everyone would have sent postcards, but the Canadian Postal System is going on strike. Yes, the greatest mail system, since the Pony Express. Flashback to two weeks before Father’s Day this year. Brian goes to the mailbox and sends his father a wonderfully touching fathers day card. Six weeks later the card arrives almost a month late. My question is, didn’t the Canadian Postal System already go on strike? The Hussein Brothers were killed today. They were the greatest Comedy Brothers since the Marx brothers. A third brother was also captured. His name is Kobe Hussein. Do you think he’s glad these guys got killed? Kobe was being examined like an autopsy. Lets look at Uday and Qusay for awhile. Brian do you have Sars?I get this question wherever I go because I live in Canada. My family lives in the States. Every other call is “Do you have Sars? Do you have the mad cow disease?” I say “No, I’m plum out of them and they say “Brian stop kidding this is a serious issue.” And then they ask me my stance on abortion and soft wood lumber and the next thing I know I am singing the Canadian national anthem and watching Don Cherry on Saturday night hockey. You see, I love it up here in the frozen tundra. Let me tell you about the weather around here and I swear I’m not making it up. It is sunny for 24 hours, rains for 24 hours, is sunny for 24 hours, rains for 24 hours, and well you get the picture. You’ve seen the weather channel its one tornado after another hurricanes everywhere. There is tons of excitiement, like our wild Tulip festival in lovely Ottawa. There was no parking. You had to take a shuttle just to get to see the tulips that don’t really do anything. Take that America with your excessive violence on your T.V. and your non-stop consumerism, because I’m looking at tulips!
Are our kids fat enough? Are our kids getting enough fat? Maybe we can shovel in more if we have their jaws wired the right way. I’m willing to bet that the increase in obesity is directly related to the increase in Super Size meals. I fondly remember the day when a medium fry was really a medium fry and not a large. And the reason that I ask this questions is because I’m guilty as charged. I’ve got a big roll around my waist and continue to eat fast food all the time. Although it pains me to point out my hypocrisy I do so for the greater good of society. Now I don’t want to go off on a rant here but don’t kids today just look like giant size Twinkies? They make sequin jumpsuit Elvis look anorexic. And wouldn’t you know it the US of A has come up with a brilliant solution-do away with physical education in schools. Now I hated climbing the rope as much as the next guy nor did I enjoy the quasi like teacher staring at all the young boys asses and doubling as the drivers ed teacher. Doing away with gym class is as logical as electing Bush president. I don’t want to point out the obvious, but Gym class happens to be the only class in which you actually burn calories. And god knows what the schools are serving you for lunch. If your parents knew they would piss themselves. Fast food chains are appearing in high schools across the nation. Can you super size this student? Because if you can’t you’re just backdated.
Let me just solve the world’s problems in one sentence or less The pledge of allegiance. Take the word god out of it and the kids will be able to say this in school constitutionally. The word god was only put in there in 1943 to separate us from those godless commies the Russians. There's nothing more I like to see than a famous actor almost lose his life. Yes I am talking about the one and only Jason Priestly who was smart enough to become an auto racer in his spare time. Good for him. Its nice to see when people with no talent whatsoever take on additional projects. The thing that gets me is aren't millions of people in car crashes everyday? I think the answer is yes and they get no coverage on the TV and that's bullshit. We clearly have a double standard in our society where some people are more valued than others. As far as I'm concerned the garbage man is the most important person in our society because without him we would still be suffering from plagues. Like the black plague which would have to be changed to the African American plague to stay politically correct.
Do drugs inspire creativity? Let me solve this age old question. Yes. The answer is Yes unequivocally so. Does that mean you should do drugs or is that the only way to creativity? Of course not, the choice is yours. What I am suggesting is that if you look at prolific artists from any era they’ve been high as a kite at some point in their lives. Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones was a full blown heroin junkie when he made the classic album Exile on Main street. The Beatles and Bob Dylan were both heavy pot smokers and occasional speed freaks. Jim Morrison favored everything from mass quantities of alcohol and some special Owsley made lsd. There is nothing even to debate, the answer is yes.
Why are the sacraments of the sixties illegal/ Doesn’t that sound like religious prejudice taken away a group of people known as the hippies. It’s like taking the sacred peyote away from the Indians. Oh yeah, they did that too, but gave them slot machines. Good for you Indians. Way to show the white man. Hit them where it hurts. Take away their gambling.
Legalized gambling and prostitution Yes. It’s as simple as that. Why should only certain states allow gambling and then in other states it is illegal to gamble unless someone from the gaming commission says its so. Who gave him the voice of god. Let there be gambling. It’s just ridiculous that that can be the case. Legalized prostitution? Why not. It’s the oldest known profession and deserves to be unionized.
The meaning of life There is none. If there was one single purpose for all mankind wouldn’t we have figured it out by now? The only logical answer is that there are 6 billion or however many people alive having individual meanings of life.
Government I'm a fan of little government. Just keep the roads going and have a police force that enforces real criminals like serial rapists and killers. Then we could keep the real criminals in the jails instead of letting them out early because we don’t have enough room for them in our prisons.
world hunger The process of distribution is really the problem with the world. We have enough food to feed everyone already, but we just don’t have a way of distributing it. I always felt a company like FEDX could help out with this. Aren’t they the experts in this field?
I’m not really sure exploring space is the right idea besides sending satellites up there. We really have to learn how to communicate with the animals on this planet. For example, dolphins communicate by clicks and whistles. Why can’t we crack their language?. It’s obviously a melodic language. This is where our linguistics experts should be. Doing this type of research. We may not need to vacate the Earth to find the solutions to all its problems.
Speeding. Here’s how you stop all speeding of any kind and to totally eliminate traffic cops. Make cars that don’t go above the speed limit. Then this cat and mouse game will be over.
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