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I'm not your
teacher, and witchcraft does not work miracles.
Listen to me. I get so many dumb emails. I don't want you
to write and be the next dumb email I get (and you end up as a story on
this page), so I'm going to tell you what is considered "not too bright".
Don't write and ask me if I have any spells. There are free spells
on this web site - a lot of them. Look around the site a little before you
email me. There are also pay spells that are
guaranteed to work. You can find those on the home page or spells page. I
don't do those spells myself, so don't write and tell me that you really
need it, but you don't have any money for it. Calastrology.com is the
company that offers those spells, and I am simply linking to their site. There are also a thousand other web sites with free
spells on them. Try using a search engine, like
www.Google.com. You type in a phrase
such as "spell to find a new lover" (don't use the quotes) or "free
witchcraft spells" or "levitation spells". Be specific. Don't just type in
"spells" and hope to find what you're looking for. If you learn to use
search engines properly, you will never have to ask anyone for anything
again.
Don't stop reading yet...
Spells are not Miracles!
Spells will not change the way you look. It's not
like that movie where the girls changed their hair color and eye
color and all that crap. You can't look different than the way you look
now, unless you do regular things like dye your hair, get contacts, wear
nice make-up, get plastic surgery, whatever. A spell won't do it for you.
A beauty spell (which is on my spells page) can make you feel better about
yourself and boost your confidence. When you feel better about yourself,
other people will be more attracted to you.
Spells do not do amazing things like make you fly, turn
back time, get you into the NFL, or give you a whole bunch of wishes like
a genie. If it's not something that you can accomplish in REAL LIFE, then
witchcraft can't do it for you.
For those of you who think, "You must be kidding! People
ask you stuff like this?" I can tell you that, yes, they do. And one of
the most common requests I get is "Please teach me all about witchcraft. I
want to learn. PLEASE!!!" Well, guess what kids? (And yes, I know the
majority of you are kids.) I have an entire web site (actually more than
one) to take care of. Plus, I have customers' web sites to take care of. I
also have a hosting company and I have a home to clean. I don't have the
time to tell you how to be a witch and to teach you things like that.
There are so many books and web sites out there that will teach you
exactly what you're asking for, but you don't read them. You just write an
email and want someone to explain it to you. What would make me think you
would even read the email if I bothered to write it? You are probably
having a hard time finishing this page. There are too many things to
explain about witchcraft, and I don't have months or years to work with
you.
There is a difference
in Wiccan and a witch. I'm not Wiccan. Please don't write to me to
tell me that something on my site doesn't follow the Wiccan rules. I
already know it. Wicca involves a lot of religion and ceremonial type
stuff. It's complicated, in my opinion, and I don't need a complicated
religion. If you think you want to be Wiccan, or you want to know the
difference in Wicca and witchcraft, here are some useful pages to read
that explain the difference:
Wiccan or Witch - Though you can be both a Wiccan and a witch, these
two words do not mean the same thing.
Can you believe that someone wrote to me and asked for
spell that would "reduce their chances of pregnancy". Really, I'm not
joking. There are people that are having sex (or wanting to) and instead
of getting birth control (condoms, the pill, etc.) they want to do a spell to not get pregnant. Are the schools not
teaching kids about birth control? Listen, you will get pregnant if you
have sex and do
not use birth control. A spell will not keep you from getting pregnant.
It is so clear to me now that witchcraft is not for
everyone. It's enough to almost make me switch to New Age beliefs, which
attract adults, not kids. People just don't understand the simple things.
Doing spells is not like a miracle. If you are asking for something
impossible, it's not going to work. Please get your head on straight, and
stop living in a fairy tale. This is real life.
Here are some of the emails I have received. I think I'll
just keep adding to this list to amuse you all, as well as myself. All
spelling errors are those of the person who wrote to me. I'm not saying
all this to discourage regular, normal people from writing to me. I just
want to cut down on the number of really dumb emails I get every day. You
don't have to apologize if you write (I'm only saying that because people
have been doing it.) It's fine to write if you want to, just read some of
this stuff below and make sure your email doesn't sound like these...
My comments (the ones in parenthesis) were not the actual
replies I sent to the person, they are just comments I felt like writing
on this page. I was usually much nicer to them when I wrote them back to
explain that what they were asking for wasn't possible (or was a dumb
question or remark).
11/02/03 - Comment made on my witchcraft jewelry poll:
"umm i am a witch so this poll would be good for others dont you beleive
in magick?" (Duh, no I just have this entire web site about
witchcraft.)
11/03/03 - Email: "Can you please send me a spell to bring
a picture to life please." (Like on Harry Potter? Hmm... I
just wrote that so I'll get search engine results for the search
"Harry Potter Spells", lol. No, you can't bring pictures to life like they
do in the movies. What if someone brought a picture of Hitler to life?
Oops! Big mistake! Then again, we could bring Jesus to life with one of
his pictures, although we don't really have a "real" picture of him, but
maybe it would work anyway, who knows? Then the end times would REALLY be
here, and the preachers could quit warning us about it!)
11/04/03 - Email: "IS THERE A SPELL TO TURN BACK TIME. I
NEED TO TURN THE CLOCK BACK TO APRIL 2003. PLEASE LET ME KNOW ASAP. THIS
IS NOT A JOKE. I CAN PAY WELL. KERRIE" (Sure, send me
$10,000 and I will send you a spell to turn back time. No refunds though.
If the spell doesn't work, that just means you didn't do it right, weren't
trying hard enough, or as the Christians would tell you when your prayers
are ignored by God, "You didn't have enough FAITH.")
11/05/03 - Email: "Hi I am back to ask how do I make
things float but not in water lol. in air. O and if you were wondering my
name is ARRESSA. I was the one who ask how to be a witch about 2 or 3 days
ago." (No, really? It's you again? With another smart
question? I would have never guessed it. I do actually have a
levitation spell now that a 16
year old boy sent me. I think it's crap, but if it works for you, please
let me know so I can tell everyone it's true and I'll take your email off
this page.)
11/05/03 - Email: "Please email me a page out of a spell
book telling me how to turn myself into a witch please."
(Sure, I'll hand type an entire page out of a book for you instead of just
giving you a link to a web site that tells you what you want.)
11/09/03 - Email: "Some of the links you have aren't
right....like the ones you have for pregnancy or to ease pain during
labor. Any Wiccan witch like me knows not to do any magick while pregnant
or even the chance of being pregnant. So I won't be visiting your website
anymore." (The reason this is dumb is because she is
referring to spells that involve no more than rubbing an apple on your
belly or holding onto crystals - quite obviously things that can't hurt
you in any way, even if you're pregnant, and even if you weren't a witch
at all, much less a "Wiccan Witch". Do you think your kid will have two
heads if you rub an apple on your belly while your pregnant? Just think
about that.)
12/06/03 - Email: "i'm really into witch craft and into
spells if you can just give me an easy simple WISH spell that i can have
12 wishes and it really works and if it's possible can i have it by
December 8,2003 since it's a full moon that will be great thanks i hope
you get my message." ("An easy, simple wish spell"
that will grant 12 wishes that really work, and I need to
have it to you in 2 days? Hmmm.... then again, instead of looking
for an impossible spell for you, I could go do some actual work and get
paid for it. Now that's an idea!)
12/07/03 - From same person as above after I told her NO:
"Hey thanks for writing back well do you have any spells that can grant
you 3 wishes you want and they will granted to you at the stroke of
midnight?? do you think if i made a wish that i had 12 wishes that i want
it will come true at the stroke of midnight cuz i really need magick cuz
my life is really mess up" (If I could wish for a wish that
would grant me 12 wishes at the stroke of midnight (is that Eastern time
or Pacific?), then I guess I'd be sitting beside my pool in Hawaii at my
huge mansion while my maid was inside cleaning and washing my clothes.
Then I'd hop into my Ferrari, no wait... my chauffeured limousine, and be
driven to the airport. Then, I'd catch a plane to Paris where I'd shop
till I dropped. That's what I'd be doing instead of writing crazy shit on
this web site.
The cardinal rule of getting three wishes (if you've ever seen those
cartoons and movies), is that one of your wishes can't be for
MORE WISHES. Everyone knows that.)
12/07/03 - Same person again: "Well thanks for writing
back and listening to all my problems but i just have one more question
can i make my self look like Arissa from the real world las vegas??"
(Sure... if there is a Halloween mask that is made to look like Arissa
(who is Arissa??). You know, like the masks you can get that look like
Power Rangers or Spiderman. Maybe you could write to Arissa and ask her to
make a mold of her face, like on Mrs. Doubtfire, and send that to you and
you could wear it. I'm sure she'd be happy to do that for you.)
12/08/03 - Same person again, if you couldn't tell by the
dumb questions: "So do you have a simple wish spell that can grant you
wishes it doesn't matter how many wishes. And you don't have to use alot
of ingredients, if you do can u give it to me by today that would be
great. P.S do you think the spell will work around midnight when you do
it" (Okay, I give in... Here's the spell. "Abracabra,
Abracadoo, please make all my wishes come true." Then state your
wishes and tell whoever you're asking that you need it by midnight so
hurry the hell up and quit helping folks who are dying and make you look
like Arissa NOW! Now sit there and hold your breath - this is part of the
spell - until the wishes are granted. But if you accidentally breathe
before they are granted, they won't be granted at all.) Note: That is a
JOKE. If you hold your breath too long, you'll die, then your wishes
really won't come true, not that they were going to anyway.
12/13/03 - Email: "can you help me with a spell to reduce
your chances of pregnancy or anything to help you from pregnancy. thanx"
(I have written a special prayer/spell to the Goddess just for this
purpose: "Dear Goddess of Fertility, please help me abstain from sex, and
if by chance I DO HAVE SEX, please be sure to make me remember to USE A
CONDOM. Thank you Goddess.)
12/13/03 - "hello, my name is Michelle, i just wanted to
say that i really like your website, but iwas wondering if you can do
something for just me, i was looking for a spell to make 3 wishes for
me,The 3 wishes were, to be skinny ( not enerecik ( well i dont really
know how to say it ) to be attractive, and not to have diabetes, but, all
your spells for stuff like that are way out of my reach, i cant do all
that stuff, i mean, this is my first time trying to do spells, and i feel
like IM joining the devils side, but i dont want to, i mean i really like
the idea of witchcraft, ok well anyway, im going way off topic, what im
trying to say is that, can you make or find WORD spells for those 3 things
for me please, i cant do the candles or all that, i just need a simple
word spell only, please help me, im begging you, please, your my only
hope." (If I'm your only hope, I guess you're SOL. I think
the only way to help diabetes is to maintain a controlled diet and take
your meds as prescribed. There is no spell to make you skinny or pretty or
non-diabetic. And if this is your first time trying witchcraft, you may
want to stick with something simpler, like having 12 wishes granted at the
stroke of midnight within 2 days of doing the spell. lol.)
12/13/03 - "Look im 13 years old and im in a football team
called stratford town Reps under 13s, and i really want to become a pro
footballer could u like give me a spell that will make that happen like a
succes spell ? plz plz plz" (No, no, no. Okay, I changed my
mind. I found a spell for you - too bad you'll never see it. It is the
"Personal Success Spell". Instead
of focusing on money, focus on your football goal. It will work the same,
I'm sure. In the process, I found a bunch of new spells and they are
funny, so thanks! Click the link above to see the spell. It is in text
format. Good luck!)
12/25/03 - Guestbook entry: "My name is Julia. I really
like your website. It is very interesting. I learned quite a lot about
witchcraft. I like your spells they are very effective. Can I ask I looked
at your exoctic vacations and were you really a ghost once? I think that
was really cool. Well please write back Heather. Your very interesting.
......Julia" (She is referring to my Exotic
Vacations page, which is a joke. You'll have to see it to know how
funny this is.)
12/26/03 - Same girl that signed the guestbook above
writes an email to me: "....I saw your exotic vacations,,can i ask
were you really in your past life? Also were you really on Mars? Well I
hope to hear from you Heather!!!" (Hi Julia! Thanks for
asking. Yes, I was a ghost in my past life. The Gods didn't see fit to
give me an actual human body, so they just made me a ghost instead and I
lived my entire past life that way. I chose a house that I thought was
nice, and the lady that owned it took a picture of me. Last year, I bumped
into her at Wal-mart and thought I looked familiar, even though she was
150 years old now and could hardly see anything. But she recognized me
from the picture she had taken a long time ago, and of course, it was in
great condition, and she scanned it for me and that's how I got it! As for
the trip to Mars, didn't you know anyone can take a trip to Mars if they
have enough money? Hell yeah! But I gotta warn you, don't wear a tank top
like I did. It gets really COLD there!)
12/31/03 - Email: "hi thank you so much your site rocks
can i ask a question were do i find me a teacher?" (You could try the
link on the home page that says "Need
a witchcraft teacher?")
Note: I have taken that link down. Try the message board if you need
witchcraft advice. Don't bother with a teacher, just read the many books
and web sites available to you and LEARN IT ON YOUR OWN.
12/31/03 - Comment in Guestbook: "hey im sorda new
to this and im a beginner and stuff u know and i always wondered can
witches fly please email me or post back ty" (Of course
they can fly! Didn't you see the Wizard of Oz? Duh.)
01/01/04 - Guestbook entry - Comments:
"is it possible to
make pencils float email me bak or post please" (Only if
it's for a good cause, like making the pencil stab your teacher in the
back of the head while she's writing on the blackboard. If you just want
to do it for fun, no that's not possible. Sorry.)
01/01/04 - Email: "can you hlep me to find spells" (maybe
you should check out my WEBSITE. It's called Everything Under the Moon and
here is a link to it.)
01/02/04 - Email (same girl as above)
"have you ever meet
a witch" (I'm just so bumfuzzled by that question that I
can't even think of anything funny to say!)
01/14/04 - Email "hey my names
robbie im 13. im a beggener and have no experiance but look forward to it!
i have been studing it 4 2 months.please help me out i have been studing
powerful black magic and tried it a couple of times but it never works 4
me."
Another Email from the same kid: "i would like to
help be a witch craft teacher" (If you guys need a 13 year old
witchcraft teacher with no experience, you just let me know and I'll give
you his address, lol.)
03/02/04 -
Email:
"I
am a male who want to wear women's clothes 24/7. I was wondering is there
any spell where I can put on people so they can let me wear women's
clothes even in job and every where else? Please e-mail me."
(This was NOT a joke people, I asked him. I told him if he was beautiful
enough he could work as professional drag queen. Otherwise, he needs to
work from home if he wants to dress in drag while working. NO, THERE IS NO
"SPELL" FOR THAT.)
Well, I have made my email address much more difficult to
find on this web site. It is still here if you need it, and if, after
reading this page, you'd like to email me, please feel free. My address is
heather@everythingunderthemoon.net.
My emails have cut down drastically since I took most of
the links to it down, so I probably won't add too many more emails above,
like I mentioned I would. I guess people decided to actually read some of
the site before they email me. I mean, why email me and ask me if I have
any spells when there is link at the top and bottom of every page that
takes you to the free spells? But people don't look. They see my address
and just email me and ask. I like getting emails from people, but you must
understand what I'm saying here. I don't intend to be extra mean about it,
I just can't help it, and if you've seen some of the crap I get, you'd
understand it too. If you want to write and sympathize with me, feel
free... I like
letters that say "How can those people be so STUPID??!!" I can also help you find stuff online or help you
with problems, but I'm talking about serious problems, not problems like,
"I like Brian, but Brain likes my friend Misty. Misty doesn't like Brian,
she likes Donnie. And I think Donnie likes me. How do I get Brian to like
me?" That's 13 year old crap. I'm talking about real life problems. If
you've ever had any, then you know what I mean.
