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Q. Dear Mary, Oh dear here I go again I’m so fed up of men, every time I like someone its always nice at first then they always make excuses,
….so here I am I go out socialize meet a man - this time I wasn’t looking and god it blew me away really really liked this one. …we started seeing each other ….
He said he didn’t know what he wanted as he was still mixed up over his past….Poor man had been cheated on in his first marriage that led to divorce,… then he got cheated on again….
We got on well, both said we were scared of getting in relationship - I said I would be happy going slow and just seeing him once a fortnight for a weekend we just enjoyed being together . Taking it slow was ok for few weeks - the one thing I said was even though we weren’t serious I couldn’t handle him seeing anyone else if he was seeing me once every 2 weeks he agreed and I thought he would be honest with that after all he had been hurt cheated on and so had I. So we had a lot in common from day one.
…..then he just phoned up out of the blue and said …. a woman he met … had called him that day to ask him out for drink . I felt sick couldn’t talk to him down the phone felt the same pain when my husband left me over 2 years ago felt really ill.
…I know in my heart he would only have hurt me without meaning to as he so mixed up at moment in his life.
The one thing I liked about him is he said it would take him a long time to get serious with anyone as he didn’t know if he could trust again same as me. Now I ask myself should I stay away from men keep busy and just work long hours? Am I ready for relationship do you think?
(Edited for length and clarity)
Hello again.
My strongest feeling is that you need some help to properly get over your 23 year marriage and especially the fidelity issue. You mention it a couple of times, and you seem to be aware that it is strongly influencing your reactions to people you are dating now.
The issues you have around trusting men are very understandable given your history – but it is possible to trust again. When I’m working with people in your situation, I use a method called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) for helping people to release their bad memories and fears, allowing them to move forward. You can find out more about this technique from my website www.thefuturestartsnow.com. It’s a technique you can try yourself if you want to, or find a practitioner to work with if you prefer. Or seek out some other form of counselling or therapy that appeals to you. Dealing with this should be your first priority before trying to get into a new relationship.
I feel you get involved with people very quickly upon first meeting, and you base your involvement on two things: (1) sexual attraction and (2) feeling you both have something in common.
These things aren’t “wrong” – but right now I think they are wrong for you, because:
- You know you have issues around sexual fidelity and you feel things get complicated as soon as you’ve slept with someone – so basing a relationship around sexual attraction is particularly dangerous for you.
- The thing you most often note you have in common is “they have been hurt too” – which means two hurt people trying to have a relationship, both struggling with their hurt – which is always going to make things more difficult.
If I was coaching you I would work with you to draw up some “relationship requirements” so that you form a very good picture of what you really need in a future partner. I would suggest that for you, two strong requirement should be “Has NOT been hurt in the way I have” and “Is looking for a proper relationship right now”.
When you have these requirements clear in your mind, it becomes easier to say No to people who tell you they are mixed up and not sure what they want right now – however attractive they are.
By avoiding the people you know are wrong, you keep the space clear for the one who may be right, as well as aiding your own emotional recovery.
I feel you are a very brave person, determined to find happiness with someone whatever it takes, despite your past. (Some people would have given up and not even tried again).
I wish you the very best.
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