Relationships
We come to know ourselves in relationships. Other people are like mirrors – each shows us, in some unique way, who we are. Sometimes, though, we see the same reflection in each relationship; we find the same problems arising with people who seem to be very different from one another. Is it me? Do all guys/women stink? Or is there some more complex and useful answer?
At Toltex, it is seldom one or the other. For example, we have been receiving many calls recently from women who are living in fear and misery with a significant partner in their lives. Some are being terrorized, others ignored; most say that on the one hand, they want so much to be free, to have the strength to say, “you can’t treat me like that and expect me to stick around; but in the same, breath, they will try to forgive and explain the actions of men who treat their (supposed) lover or wife like property.
We have received calls from men who feel extreme jealousy and anger toward their partners; some have actually hurt her or punched some guy he saw her chatting with on the street. Otherwise decent, normal people find themselves doing things that they just can’t believe. Sometimes we see two very different personalities in one person who is really quite sane. Perhaps a woman, for example, is an educated, clear-headed businesswoman, a no-nonsense type, remaining tough and uncompromising in her work; yet no one knows that she sits by, frightened and feeling small, while her lover insults or even abuses her.
Adult children sometimes cannot break away from the guilt their parent’s “make” them feel; Some parent are afraid to make and enforce necessary limits with their kids because they are afraid of how intense the kids can be, or because they just don’t want to feel guilty for “being the bad guy”. Either way, the parent has taught the child that his behavior is successful; conscience and caring are too hard to achieve, and aren’t as much fun. Sometimes, though, the kids are just too much. It may not sound nice, but the bottom line is that we have taught others how we will allow ourselves to be treated.
The “mirror” of the other person is sometimes one in which we pose strangely, showing a side of ourselves that seems to belong to a different person. It is though you catch yourself slouching, or looking fat or unintelligent, because you have come to believe what an envious or mean significant other says. It can be hard to find your way back to yourself, but it must come from some part of you that says “enough – my life is mine, not yours; my beliefs and values are mine, not yours”.
Sometimes you feel too far gone; you just don’t know the way back. Sometimes a partner is truly dangerous, or incredibly manipulative, and you may fear for your life or sanity, or just your ability to make it on your own. The victim may rightly believe that she is in danger if she tries to find her freedom. However, this is not usually the case, even though domestic violence (physical and/or emotional) is a growing and terrible problem. In most cases, even ones in which there is a great deal of abuse, the abused person has given up on her belief that she can claim a better life – or the right to try for one. This is the key. It doesn’t matter whether the belief that you CANNOT demand anything different comes from a childhood in you always felt helpless and afraid, or that today’s lover has cut you down so low that you can barely lift your voice above a whisper in self-defense. The fact remains that you have chosen to accept the fear you know about rather than risk something you fear might be worse. So, whether you are strong enough to change it or not, you are a partner in your suffering; you taught him that he could win this way. Or, the jealous, rageful person, through his obsession, control and violence, has sacrificed his values and dignity in the face of the strong emotions our partner makes us feel. This is not to blame the victim – it is simply to state that, you may not have asked for it, or know what you were getting into at the time – or maybe you did, but kept your fingers crossed, wishing it would be different. But you’re in it, and it’s yours. If you’re going to get out, half the solution is being willing to look at how your own choices got you stuck – and how, handled differently now, they can get you un-stuck. To quote a line from the film “Vanilla Sky”, “every moment is another chance to turn it all around”. Life may hand us a heavy load, but change starts from within.
At Toltex, we believe that the first step to regaining the freedom and dignity of the “real” you is to let that person speak – along with the “you” who has been beaten-down and needs a caring advisor. That advisor should be someone new and objective who can hear your story and help you, through patient listening and sensitive feedback, to remember who you are. To help you make choices that are true to your soul, mind, body and heart. Free yourself from the bent mirror that others’ show you – a mirror you may have come to believe – and let us help you find the courage to ask from life and from other people what you truly want and deserve.
Call us at 1-888-9-TOLTEX (1-888-986-5839), or schedule an appointment right here on our website. Your first call will be free, and you will not be asked for any payment at all unless you choose to work with one of our counselors. We look forward to helping.
