 The World of Tael'Aen> The Artists Muse > Searching (Setting Contest) |
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Talyl Donut Pirate of Tael'Aen Posts: 583 (9/4/04 11:11 pm) Reply 
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Searching (Setting Contest) Please Comment! Silence. Broken only by the groans of dying men, scattered between the battered and broken bodies of both sides. Uniforms of green and others of blue are equally muddied and torn. A mild breeze carries the stench of blood, sweat and sulphurous smoke across the field. The warmth of the sun adding to the discomfort of the few villagers who pick their way across it, looking for survivors and acquiring weapons no longer of use to their owners. The bodies bake in the heat. A boy no more than twelve, studies each green clad corpse before stepping over it. At first he cried out his father’s name, but now he is certain no answer will come. Still the boy searches, taking note of each familiar face he passes so that he might offer their families some closure. Thom the village baker. David the cobbler. Marius the village flirt. Even old Daniel the Wise, the story teller, the keeper of history. The field of corpses seems to stretch forever. As the sun begins to set, creating eerie shadows, the boy imagines he can hear his father’s voice, ever so faintly call to him. A few corpses away lies the body he has been searching for, now cold, the lips slightly blue in the fading light. No voice could have issued from them. The boy stands for a moment, not sure what to do now his quest is over, then he lays down on the filthy ground and hugs the man who gave him life. “We won father. They told us we won.” _________________________________________________________________  |
Taurel TahlTathar  Tenderfooted Posts: 49 (9/6/04 8:17 am) Reply |
Re: Searching (Setting Contest) This is dauntingly good, Talyl! Tight, well-written, and instantly engrossing. I especially like the use of the present tense - gives the setting a gritty immediacy. The only changes i would make are stylistic ones, and hardly worth noting. Where you wrote, for example: Uniforms of green and others of blue are equally muddied and torn. I might have written: Uniforms of green and others of blue lie equally muddied and torn. Maybe i would have added something, here, as well: The bodies bake in the heat. Perhaps... The bodies bake in the heat, adding their own sweet putrescence to the field. But hey, as i said: these are merely stylistic differences. I honestly don't see anything that needs changing about this piece - its wonderful! 
Edited by: Taurel TahlTathar at: 9/6/04 10:02 am |
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Talyl Donut Pirate of Tael'Aen Posts: 607 (9/7/04 5:42 am) Reply 
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Re: Searching (Setting Contest) Thankyou! My first thought when I read your "Uniforms of green and others of blue lie equally muddied and torn." was "Yeah! Cool! I'll change it." Then I remembered that the shirts are still being worn. If I change it to the word 'lie' it sounds like they're not. But thanks for the suggestion. Also: "The bodies bake in the heat, adding their own sweet putrescence to the field." is certainly well written, but it's a little too detailed for what I was going for. I wanted that line in particular to be a little in-yer-face, which is easier to accomplish if it's kept short. Once again, thanks for your wonderful comments!  _________________________________________________________________ |
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