Straight Up

So much has happened in the past week, I don't even know where to start. I moved to L.A last Monday. I know I was talking about driving down there in my last blog, but I didn't really go into detal......So, here I go. I picked up Lindsey in Ballard on Monday around 12 pm. That's the highlight of my whole trip. I know, I wish I could give you some juicy details, but really, that's about it. Nothing exciting happened until Wednesday night when we got to Manhatten Beach and got to crash on our bosses couch for free. She was out of town, so she left the house key hidden on her patio but it took us forever to find it. It was dark when we got there so we had to lift up anything that looked like it could have a key hiding under it. I had to use my cellphone screen as a light. Finally we found the key in a aluminum painted frog holding fake flowers right in front of her door.........I don't think the average Joe could have found that.

Throughout the whole trip I had been really constipated, so when we arrived at our bosses, I felt like it was time to take a dump. What I didn't realize was that her septic system was really sensitive. Lindsey had gone pee and flushed and it was fine, so I didn't think anything of if. Well, after I did my business the fucking thing wouldn't flush. I sat there with my hand on my forehead, leaning against the wall, staring down the drain at my log, trying to figure out how to get it down. I tried to flush a second time and that wouldn't work, so I turned off the water tank and proceeded to shut the lid and pretend like nothing had happened.

I finally found my new home, which is located in Hollywood, and I like it . I live with a 33 year old woman who plays the banjo and writes a comic book. The best part is that my room has butterflies and fairies painted on the walls. For a while I sat there and thought about my life. I really feel like its time for me to become a better man so I thought up a few new ideas to live by:

1. Do what I am good at. Don't try too hard or spend too much time doing what I am bad at.

2. Tell people what I am bad at, let them be aware.

3. Connect my energy to a creative outlet

4. Get well enough organized to achieve my goals

5. Ask for and give advice to those I trust. Ignore as best I can, the dream.

6. Make sure to keep up regular contact with a few close friends.

7. Stick to my positive side even though I have a negative one. Only make decisions when I haven't been drinking.

I think that those are a few keys to keep me going. I can't remember if I wrote them or if I found them in a self help book and recorded them in my journal. I don't think it matters. All that really matters is that I strike it rich down here. Anyways, I think its time for bed, I just got my ass kicked at a game of Monopoly by guys four years younger than me.

Well Lindsey and I are getting on the road in about an hour so this will be our last column from Seattle.

We figured we'd clean out the Cats and Dogs message center and answer a few questions all at once. Here we go...

Q: Every girl in porno these days has a completely shaved crotch.
Do guys really care about that?

A: It does matter to guys when we're watching porno. The point of porn is too watch women do stuff that your girlfriend or wife doesn't. That's why they always show blow jobs for like 6 hours. In real life we might ask you to shave it once in awhile just for something new and different but really if we like you we don't really care. If it's on your legs or stomach then you should give yourself a trim. Also if you wear panty hoes and your bush gets all mashed up and weird looking it's probably time for a new do.

Q: My boyfriend comes really quick. I mean almost immediately, even
when wearing a condom. I like him so I don't want to break up, but I'd
really like to enjoy our sex life as well.

A: Your boyfriend either has a physical problem with premature ejaculation in which case he should see a Dr. I'm always one for home remedies though and I suspect he has too much semen built up. You need to get him on a strict regiment of jerking off right when he wakes up in the morning. And then maybe on his lunch break. Hopefully he lives close to work. He probably shouldn't jerk off in his car or in the file room. I also suggest that you buy him some porno. I would be psyched if my girlfriend bought me porn. It's like that crappy song says "More then words to say you love me." I think that dude is talking about getting porno.

Q: I've come to realize that I actually enjoy masturbating to porno more
then having sex with my girlfriend. Sometimes I have already
jerked off twice before I see her and then I don't feel like doing it.
What should I do?

A: Shit, well now I don't know what to say to the previous person. I guess don't buy your boyfriend porn or else he may get hooked on it and not want to have sex with you at all?

I'll be perfectly honest and say that I've gone through similar phases myself. I think it's really just from sheer boredom though. You need to get a hobby. I'm gonna guess you spend way too much time doing laundry as well. I'd say join the gym. You'll feel better afterwards, you'll have more energy to fuck your girlfriend and it'll give you an hour or so each day where if you reach for your dick you'll drop a dumbbell on your head.

And over to you Linz...

Immediateley following this Sunday's big game I will be leaving Seattle and heading to Los Angeles. Forever. Well maybe not forever, but as long as I can stand it. I've lived my whole life in the Northwest so it's gonna be a huge change. But it's time to go and I've never been afraid of changes. It's the regular day to day stuff that freaks me out.

Luckily for me, Lindsey is coming too. We're gonna drive down together so I picture it kinda like National Lampoons Vacation. We'll get in some wacky adventures. Maybe I'll see Christie Brinkley and eat a dog piss sandwich. Lindsey has huge jugs like Bevery D'Angelo too. So that'll be sweet.

Basically the reason why we're both moving is so we can continue working on the radio show. Which if you have yet to listen is on the home page of this site and hilarious!

Our column will pretty much stay the same for now but I'm sure the perspective will change once we get down to Southern California. I'm not really sure how it works down there, but I hope the chicks will hook up with dudes that aren't famous. That would suck if you had to be famous to score. I'll let you guys know.

We will be leaving the hot spots and night clubbing to Kris’ blog though. Last time I hung out in LA they wouldn't let me in the club anyways. I figured they just didn't know who I was. Lindsey is even more white trash then I am (she's from Poulsbo) so I don't think we'll have to worry about her either.

Actually quite a few people I know are moving out of Seattle at the same time. I think it's the weather. It's rained here for like 210 straight days and I think everyone is fed up with it.

When you move everybody wants to hang out one last time so I'll probably just spend this week getting drunk with my friends. There were a bunch of going away parties this weekend already. Pretty much the type of parties that if you can remember them you weren't really there.

What I do remember is that it was great to see everyone I've been friends with over the years, but it also gave a couple people the opportunity to tell me what a jerk I've been over the years. It was kind of a shock because I always tell people I don't like them right to their fuckin faces! Right Motherfucker? Ok maybe I shouldn't be surprised, but basically this girl came up to me and told me that I was full of myself and that I act too cocky. Normally I would think she just wanted to hook up with me and that she was just pissed that I didn't pay any attention to her over the years. Lately however I have been taking a much more introspective look at myself and trying to figure out what it is about me that people either love or hate.

One of the ways to do that is to look at some of the things you've written over the years. Like maybe in your diary or journal? I figured that since it's a New Year and we're kinda starting over with the move that I could leave you with some of my favorite thoughts over the past year.

"It's like I said to this chick that only fucked Latin guys. "Just give me a shot and if it's really bad I'll take you out for tacos tomorrow."

"That is your cue to fuck her in the ass."

"I used to know this chick who shit the bed every time she came."

"As an aside I don't think you can ever find hot chicks in small towns. You find a lot of families and gross white trash but I think all the hot chicks move as soon as they turn 18."

"We all end up getting shit faced and I take like 3 of them home and bang the shit out of them at the same time."

"I think it's really just a bunch of fucked up chicks that like to get naked."

"I don't even smoke dope unless I'm driving."

"If they ever make another Indiana Jones I think it should be about my struggles to find a super hot chick with cancer that doesn't mind it when I bang all of her friends after she's dead."

"As an aside I wonder if anyone has ever fucked a tiger?"

"He starts fucking questioning me like I'm in some sort of homo version of Abu Graib or however you spell that place."

"Have you ever seen what a dude's face looks like when he's coming? It's funny shit man!"

"The truth is that if we met you on a pub crawl we do not care what the fuck you know as long as you let us have sex with you."

Of course there are plenty more just as hilarious as these, but now you can go back re-read all my old columns, and find your own personal favorites!

Go Hawks.

First off I'd like to quickly say congratulations to the city of Seattle for our 1st ever Super Bowl appearance. I'm excited. That is all. You can read my Sports Blog at

www.sportsnutsandsluts.com

And speaking of Seattle you must all remember our dear friend Mary Kay Letourneau. She's the teacher that had sex with and eventually married her student Vili Fualaau? Well she still lives in Seattle. Actually in a pretty nice area called Normandy park. I have some friends that live out there too, but unfortunately I haven't had the pleasure of seeing Mary Kay in public.

Which leads us to this weeks topic.

Lately there has been a lot of talk in the media about female child "Molesters." More specifically women that break the statutory rape laws. The debate is basically over their sentencing. Some people think that they should be charged just like any adult male citing that many women seem to get lesser sentences for similar crimes. Others believe that the cases should be looked at based on their individual characteristics and judged accordingly.

Now I don't think we need to debate whether sleeping with a minor is right or wrong. It's wrong and if you break the law you should be punished for it. Of course the definition of minor is different depending on which part of the world you're in. I'm talking about America though so for all intents and purposes please do not tread on me.

I personally don't believe that the psychological and emotional effects are that great on a young man who has sex with an older woman. As opposed to an older man forcing himself upon a young girl or boy, sex with an older woman can be seen as a good thing.

At 15 I think I was more then ready to go and it probably would have helped to have an experienced older woman showing me the ropes. I know it would have helped the poor girl that I lost my virginity to. All guys are terrible at lovemaking when we first start out and I bet a lot of us are still really bad today. I don't know how I am. I'm sure I'm great. I mean I have to be. I'm pretty good right?

More importantly an older mature woman can not only teach you how to make love but also how to act around women. I'm still learning that second one as well. A 16 year old girl doesn't know what she wants anymore then a 16 year old guy so you end up flailing around for a few minutes and then wondering later what happened. Then after that you tell your friends how much you rule. Even if you do know what to do at that age you're too shy to tell your partner about it.

My point is that there aren't many women that could forcibly "rape" a young man who has reached puberty. We're usually stronger then most adult women at this age. And I don't see how an experience that a young man finds extremely pleasurable ending with ejaculation is considered abuse? I've known of many guys under the age of 18 actually seeking out sex from prostitutes as it's less embarrassing then trying to make it with your girlfriend for the first time.

Look at our friend Vili. Mary Kay was so good that he stayed with her into his adulthood. Do you have the same girlfriend from when you were 13? How bout 20? Most marriages break up over issues like money, infidelity, or children. Could you imagine staying by your spouse's side while they were in prison for raping you? I don't even like the same music I did when I was 13 much less the same girls.

So here's to Villi and Mary Kay. Happy Anniversary whenever it is. Not unlike the Seahawks, you too beat the odds.

Dear Jed and Lindsey,

Today I was in the bathroom plucking my eyebrows and I started to wonder if
men even notice my eyebrows? I then started to think about getting a nose
ring and wondered if men like nose rings on women. I guess I am just
curious what you guys think about little facial quirks on men and women. Do
you prefer a woman to have plucked versus natural eyebrows? Do you think
women with facial piercings are sexy? What about if women who wear big earrings?
Do you think its cool for men to wear makeup? What kind of facial style do
you think is hot for both men and women?

--Celeste

After reading your letter I started to wonder if girls really think this way. I guess they do.

The simple answer is that as long as you have two eyebrows there is a guy out there who will date you.

Of course all of this is a matter of opinion but since you asked I'll tell you what I think. First you don't have to try that hard to attract a guy's attention. If all you're looking to do is hook up then go ahead and dress or look however you want. There are lots of guys into piercings and tattoos and earrings or whatever.

I suspect however that you're asking about attracting men for long term relationships. That may be a little tougher because generally we're not really looking for that when we go out. What it basically boils down is thatin the long run most men want a woman who is nice looking in public and wild at home.

Girls you can take home to your parents but that also let you do whatever you want to them is basically what I'm talking about. If your parents happen to still be together you can trust that your mom is super dirty in bed.

As far as eyebrows and piercings and all that, I myself prefer a woman that just takes care of herself. If your eyebrows are bushy then pluck them. Or go to the beauty salon. Whatever it is that girls do to make themselves look pretty then do that and then do it again when it wears off.
If you really need to get a facial piercing because you're this really cool outsider that nobody undertstands then get something small like a stud through your eyebrow or nose. Don't get one of those hog ring septum piecing deals or some giant hoop through your eyeball. They leave gross holes when you take 'em out anyway.

The other thing about guys is we like it when our friends are jealous of us. That's why we like really hot chicks. We'd pretty much fuck anything as long as our friends don't make fun of us for it. If I saw my friend out with some girl and she had a face full of metal then I'm gonna give him a hard time about it.

As for dudes in make up obviously I don't think it's ever a good idea. Again this is my opinion, but it's like .0000025 percent of the male population that can actually pull this off. Guys don't even know how to dress so how are we supposed to apply make up? Unless it's cool Halloween makeup like a gnarly scar or you're a soldier with some sweet camoflauge then I say no to make up. If you like dudes in makeup then you're a lesbian. If you want a straight guy that will stay with you and treat you well, learn how to give a really good blow job.