This Page About Cycling Humor and Tales

Cycling Humor and Tales

Considering what a crazy, illogical, mixed-up world we live in, it's a good trait to have a well-developed sense of humor. For instance, if you're riding your bicycle peacefully along and someone yells, it's much better to laugh it off than to 1) worry about it, 2) attack his car with your air pump, 3) wait for him to get out of the car and then run him down on the sidewalk, 4) hijack an airplane to Cuba or Holland (where everyone supposedly rides bicycles, but where you'll actually get the same crude remark, this time in Spanish or Dutch), 5) go on a hunger strike in which you refuse to eat until every automobile is on the sidewalk, 6) make a secret agreement with exterrestials to body-swap famous cyclists for powerful political leaders, or 7) sell your soul to the devil for a few years of cycling peace, which will result in your spending eternity cycling in a fake, underworld New York City with real NYC taxi drivers (devils can't even come close).

If we are really truthful about the matter, life is a joke. I think it's essential that people find serious answers to our endless problems, but I think it's even more essential that we retain a sense of humor about it. Often humor reveals more truth than careful analysis; to me the most penetrating analysis of the cold war was Dr. Strangelove. Mark Twain, in discussing his forgotten fellow humorists, said that his humor lasted where theirs did not because he always told the truth. Henry Thoreau, my other favorite humorist, is never recognized for his humor because he 1) always told the truth and 2) engaged in insider humor. I'm very much afraid that I'm guilty of the second fault here. Cyclists like me are going to have a lot of fun; other kinds of cyclists and non-cyclists are going to be scratching their heads.

I've found it necessary to make a distinction between humor and tales for two reasons: 1) some of the tales are amusing but not funny and 2) my bottom bar was getting too long (you can decide which was the real reason). Continue to learn more about cycling, please visit Ken Kifer.

Why Do Tires Lose Pressure?

This challenge racked us in wreck.bikes.mischievous. We did our very best to solve the following problem, but we could not come to an agreement. However, we feel that one of these solutions must be correct!

Years ago, a few tube manufacturers, under pressure to reduce the weight of their inner tubes began looking for ways to make a lighter tube. First they did a little market use analysis and determined that the worst time for a tube to lose air is when it's being used. As a tube is being spun while in use, they realized that due to the laws of centripetal acceleration, the air presents the greatest pressure on the outer wall of the tube. This lead to the obvious answer, they could shave the thickness of the inner wall!

By doing this, they've created tubes that are lighter, and yet, just as effective at holding air while being used. When the tube is not spinning, it of course, loses air at a faster rate, as the air is no longer constrained by centripetal forces, and presents more pressure to the inner wall (the thinner one).

For racers, this was no big deal. They fastidiously check their tire pressure before every ride anyway.

Under pressure from racer wannabes, the tube manufacturers eventually had to make all of their tubes to match the higher performance racing tubes and so through market forces now sell the multi-thickness tubes exclusively.

Some Useful Cycling Devices

As a touring cyclist, I am well acquainted with the fact that almost all cycling advice and almost all cycling equipment is made for the high-tech, high-speed, ultra-light, streamlined cyclist. We hear of the need for cyclometers, cadence monitors, altimeters, heart-rate monitors, and combination devices that can record and print back the entire trip. But did you know that touring cyclists have their own high-tech devices? Here are some of them:

The Realometer was invented by H. Thoreau (a former pencil manufacturer) and is designed to measure the truth behind appearances. In 1968, Postman and Weingartner called this "an instant, built-in, crap detector." This device is useful for measuring the truths of statements such as the following: "This back road here's too dangerous, but that main road over there is very safe." "My dog snarls, but he don't bite." "It's downhill the rest of the way." "Turn left at the second light, go several blocks, and turn right. You can't miss it."

Just as you can conveniently record your speed, cadence, altitude, and resting, pacing, climbing, and maximum heart rates, now, with the Meteorological Max Kit, you can record all the meteorological data at the same time, maximum and minimum temperature, precipitation, barometric pressure, and solar intensity. The company will even sell a program to allow you to statistically correlate all these events. Does a hot sun really slow you down or speed you up?

The Sunrise, Sunset, and Rainbow Recorder was designed to measure and record daylight phenomena the cadence-conscious cyclist can now without guilt ignore. The same company produces a Moonbeam, Starlight, and Falling-Star Recorder that measures and records evening phenomena the same way. Soon to be marketed is a wild animal counter for the Nature lover as well. This last device will keep up with the individual species for you, so you don't have to bother. It even has a roadkill switch allowing you the option of counting or not counting these animals (some people consider counting roadkill to be cheating; with others, that's all they've got).

The Automatic Panorama Device detects any scenes that could be described as beautiful, scenic, or panoramic. This device has three switchable options: Alarm sets off a buzzer, so you can lift your eyes off the cyclometer and glance around; Record does not disturb you, but makes a record of the occurrence for a later trip report; Camera will work with an attached wide-angle camera or video recorder to capture the scene without disturbing your concentration.

The Blood, Guts, and Awful Flames Detector will set off a loud buzzer whenever you near a fatal traffic wreck, burning gasoline truck, or spilled train tank car. This was the one device I found to be unsatisfactory. I found I could pass two or three cadavers before it would finally go off. Definitely, the device needs to work before you get to the accident.

The Instant Poetic Inspiration Device is not as instant as the makers claim. Before it will produce a single poem, you have to hook it up to a PC or a Mac, and you must have a 233 processor and 32 megabytes of RAM. Nonetheless, the device did produce poetry that was judged as good and as understandable as anyone else's and did so without requiring one moment's reflection.

The final device is the Prevaricator. Certainly, no device was ever needed more by a cyclist. This device helps you expand your mind set, so you are equal to cyclists who are older and more experienced than you. If one says, "I have ridden to the top of Mt. Evans (14,100 ft.) in the summer," you can reply, "Well, I have ridden to the top of Mt. McKinley (20,300 ft.) in the winter," and what is he going to say to top that?

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