| "Love is like air... it's not important unless it's not there!" |
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Dating Jokes
REJECTION LINES BY WOMEN 1. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that banjo player in "Deliverance.") 2. There’s a silent difference in our ages. (I don’t want to date my Dad.) 3. I’m not attracted to you in ’that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.) 4. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.) 5. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.) 6. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ’solar system,’ much less the same building.) 7. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.) 8. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 9. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.) And the Number One rejection line given by women: 10. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with)
MEN’S AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 - 25 25 - 35 35 - 48 48 - 66 66 - 17
MEN’S AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 - "tongue" 25 - "breakfast" 35 - "She didn’t set back my therapy." 48 - "I didn’t have to meet her kids." 66 - "Got home alive."
MEN’S AGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 - My parents are away for the weekend. 25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 - My fiancée is away for the weekend. 48 - My wife is away for the weekend. 66 - My second wife is dead.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
DATING TIPS FOR MEN There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look. It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.
IDEAL DATE FOR HER 17 years old - He offers to pay 25 years old - He pays 35 years old - He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 years old - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 years old - He can chew his breakfast
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED FOR WOMAN? 17 - 17 25 - 25 35 - 35 48 - 48 66 - 66
WOMEN’S FAVORITE FANTASY 17 years old - tall, dark and handsome 25 years old - tall, dark and handsome with money 35 years old - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 years old - a man with hair 66 years old - a man
WOMEN’S DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 years old - "Burger King" 25 years old - "Free meal" 35 years old - "A diamond" 48 years old - "A bigger diamond" 66 years old - "Home Alone"
WOMEN’S EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 years old - Need to wash my hair 25 years old - Need to wash and condition my hair 35 years old - Need to colour my hair 48 years old - Need to have Francois colour my hair 66 years old - Need to have Francois colour my wig
A WOMAN’S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS A mink in the closet, A Jaguar in the garage, A tiger in the bedroom, And an ass to pay for it all!
- Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? - They already have boyfriends.
- Why are blonde jokes so short? - So men can remember them.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
There’s lots of reason to break-up The best, of course, is for health You’ve gotten sick of the clown
When you meet a man and date Then decide he might make a good husband... You will usually find that he already is
If you buy underwear for your guy Don’t buy any that are too tight... It’ll cut off circulation to his brain
There’s lots of words you can use to describe men Caring, compassionate, etc. -- they’d be wrong... But some people still use them
Women don’t make fools of men We don’t have to... Most are the "Do-it-Yourself" types
Seek out the younger men You might as well... Men never mature anyway
If you want to meet a nice man Look for a for an over-weight bald guy... They try harder
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How’s my car?"
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
A man was speaking to God. "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked. God said: "I did that to make you love them". Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?" God said: "I did that to make you love them". The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?". God said: "I did that to make them love you ! "
Two young women are talking. "I’m going to marry a man I fall in love with." "Me too, if I don’t find anything better."
Women don’t make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
HE: Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.
HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don’t you already have one?
HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
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