90 Days of BzzAgent

• Yes, a new AP/AR person was finally hired. She sits within seed-spitting distance of Aaron Cohen. Not only that, she holds an MBA from Northeastern. So that makes four MBA’s Hive-wide.
• Remember the crazy pitch that Toof made in Montreal? The agency that BzzAgent partnered with didn’t get the job in the end, either. The client brought in a group that hadn’t been in the original bidding and that had no expertise in WOM marketing. Clients do things like that.
• I never followed up on my phony identities as Jennifer at Vocalpoint or Vib at Tremor, but I get exciting!!!! emails from both of them regularly. So I guess I’ve become a ghost.
• I have seen the lay-out for the new offices at 500 Harrison. Although the Troglodytes are still tucked into a distant recess, and the telephone talkers (the sales dept. and client services) are clumped together, the idea of the Hive is not quite so tangible anymore.
• Balter met with Andy Sernovitz (the guy who referred to Dave as a word I’m not going to use because certain agents found it distasteful) and they were civil to each other, but Balter says “this story is far from over.”
• The worst finally happened. There are so many new people at the Hive that every desk space is taken. Last Friday, I had to sit at a rickety table in sales with no lamp, no phone, and no Ethernet connection until I begged a cable from Jake. “Make sure you return it,” he said rather curtly. “We’re very short of cables.” I got the sense that he knew there were only 5 days left of 90 Days.
• Romance: still nothing. (?!?)

The weigh-in took place, appropriately, just before lunch on Monday.

About fifteen Hive denizens, including almost the entire population of the sales department, kicked off their shoes, emptied their pockets, and stepped, one by one, onto a digital scale.

Matt McGlinn, Analytics Chieftain (who weighs about 77 pounds sopping wet), was called in to monitor the proceedings and record the weights — in total confidentiality, of course.

Since then, the “BzzAgent Biggest Loser” competition has blossomed from a simple weight-loss contest into a complex corporate endeavor involving sophisticated analytical techniques, high-stakes handicapping, and motivational and relationship-management tactics worthy of Dr. Phil.

The deciding metric of who is the biggest Big Loser will not be the simple reduction in gross tonnage. No, in order to compensate for each person’s individual deviation from his or her ideal Body Mass Index, the winner will be the one who achieves the highest percentage reduction.

Actually, according to Director of Weight Loss Metrics McGlinn, it’s a little more complicated than that. “We also had to correct for that fact that people who are already fairly close to their BMI norm would have a harder time losing weight than those who were significantly off the ideal,” McGlinn explained to 90 Days. In other words, it’s easier to lose the first fifty pounds of flab than the last five. “So we looked at the average deviance for the entire group of losers and then set a handicap for each contestant.”

To avoid any public embarrassment, McGlinn also converted all body weights from kilograms into an equivalency measured in Take5 candy bars. (Sample size.) Balter, for example, weighs in at 4,071 units of BzzAgent’s favorite sweet ‘n’ salty snack.

And so the race is on. Sara, Toof, Devin, Chernov, Rich, Jake, Scott, Brian, John R., Brady, Greg, Mary-Stuart, and Balter himself have eight weeks — until June 23 — to sweat and starve themselves into a lighter state of being.

Each of them has thrown $20 into the prize pot and the entire stash of cash is being held by McGlinn in a completely insecure location that I cannot divulge.

Many Hive denizens have placed bets on their favorite contestants, and some appear to be trying to influence the outcome. So far, the favorite technique is to place tempting treats, such as Snickers bars and chocolate chunk cookies, in close proximity to certain dieters.

The contestants themselves are engaging in a variety of weight loss methods. Scott, for example, indulged heavily in beer and high-density junk foods prior to the weigh-in on the theory that much of the ballast could easily be jettisoned shortly thereafter. Sara is cutting back on mayonnaise and sour cream-based dips. Toof does not deny himself sweets, which he considers essential to normal functioning, but swims daily and eats only a head of lettuce for dinner. (The use of diet aids or appetite-suppressing pharmaceuticals is strictly prohibited.)

Considering the amount of resource going into the management of the Big Loser event, I became concerned that it might have an adverse effect on Hive productivity. To my relief, I was assured that, although there might be a small short-term dip in personal effectiveness, it would be more than offset by the long-term increase in the winners’ (a.k.a. losers) energy, concentration, and confidence — which, as everybody knows, can result in beefy top-line sales, a buff bottom line, and a rock-hard EBITDA.

The beautiful and weird thing about blogging is that you never know who your audience is. With 90 Days, I’ve learned that certain topics catch the attention of specific audiences. Only a few posts have cross-over appeal. One way to tell which audience is reading the blog is by who posts comments — agents, employees, friends, surfers, strangers.

But comments can be misleading. Plenty of people have told me they read the blog or love a particular post, but never make a comment. (One guy admitted to me that he was “afraid” to do so.) And there also are people who comment a lot, but who may not be representative of any audience at all.

Which brings me to Laraelo.

Laraelo, as even the most occasional reader of 90 Days should know, is a constant commenter. She has been known to add as many as six comments to a single post. Sometimes she carries on a dialogue with herself, posting one thought after another. She has even made a public vow to try to curb her commenting appetites, without much success.

As a result, I’ve learned more about Laraelo than I have about any other member of the audience. I know that she is an agent, that she has an eighteen-year-old son who will be moving out of the house the first week of June (Thank God), that she’s gonna miss 90 Days when we’re history, and that she seems to live in ND, which I think is North Dakota, but could be Non-Disclosure or some other state of being.

I, too, have shared quite a bit about myself and what I think in the 102 pieces (this one makes 103) I’ve posted since February 7th. Now I’d like to know more about everybody else out there. What brought you to the site? What else do you do with your time? What has interested or annoyed you about 90 Days?

Go ahead, be open and honest and transparent. Everything you say will be kept strictly off the record.

It’s a nasty question, but Dave himself posed it.

First, let’s talk etymology. The Oxford English Dictionary lists six definitions for the word “dick” including a riding whip, a leather apron, a ditch and, of course, a policeman.

However, I think we all know the meaning that Andy Sernovitz, CEO of the Word of Mouth Marketing Association (WOMMA), had in mind when he rashly applied it to Balter in a conversation with BzzAgent PR maestro, Joe Chernov. The discussion had to do with BzzAgent’s allegedly suffocating overexposure in the WOM industry. (See Dave’s post in the BeeLog for full details.)

Seeking an answer to this fundamental question, I conducted an informal, unscientific, random sampling of Hive denizens. They responded thusly:

Only one person answered with an unqualified, “Yes.” But s/he said it with a kind of knowing smirk, as if to suggest that Balter’s particular version of dickdom (if that’s indeed what it is) is essentially an admirable state of being.

I received at least ten “No” answers, some of them quite emphatic, as in “absolutely not.”

There were at least two, “No, although he is a pain in the ass.” But this description, I was assured, was meant in a positive way, as in, “he sweats the details and gets things done.”

Or as another denizen put it, “Sometimes you have to be a dick to be on top.”

Others variously characterized Dave as challenging, intense, a goof, open and blunt, a Tourette’s sufferer, and “looking like a beaver.”

One said that asking the question was similar to asking, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

Many echoed the sentiment of another of their colleagues who described Dave as “enthusiastic, empathetic, visionary.”

My opinion is that Dave is just dicky enough to make people suspect he could have stirred up this controversy just to get people talking even more about the company he loves and the industry he has helped to shape — but not so dicky that he actually would.

Aaron Cohen is responsible for buying the fruit that goes into the snack basket in the main room of the Hive.

He purchases twice-monthly deliveries from Boston Organics, at $25 for 10-12 pounds of “handfruit” — oranges, bananas, grapefruit, pears, but nothing exotic like kiwis.

It’s very disturbing to Aaron when fruit goes bad and has to be thrown away. Just this week, three oranges bit the dust. Balter’s solution is to put the fruit in a bowl at reception, on the theory that people like fruit presented in a nice bowl as opposed to a shabby wire basket on a shelf [or maybe he thinks they will always take free stuff no matter how rotten it is, something he knows a lot about].

But Aaron does not like the idea of giving the fruit away. I suggest that he could get Analytics to track fruit popularity so Aaron could customize his orders, optimize consumption, and reduce the percentage of throw-aways by a few points.

But Aaron has a better idea: a smoothie machine for the new office.

This afternoon, Balter burst out of his office and made a noise like a party horn.

Later, he blasted down the hallway and squawked kind of like a frustrated, but essentially benign, chicken.

Then he yelled after Aaron as he was exiting Dave’s office, “Aaron, better keep that under your hat!”

I told him that when he yells “Keep it under your hat!” everybody wonders what’s sitting on Aaron’s head.

Balter said, “Really?”

He doesn’t fully grasp that every animal noise and tossed-off comment he makes is likely to be interpreted as a signal of something. Even if it isn’t, it probably is.

“Pop Quiz”, posted last Thursday, April 6th, was meant to bring attention to two minor but intriguing facts about BzzAgent:

1. The number of people who work at the Hive who hold an MBA. (Two, we thought.)
2. The number of Hive denizens who may be involved in a romantic relationship. (None. We still think.)

Only a few people responded to the quiz. On Sunday morning, to stimulate some excitement, we added the missing ingredient: free stuff. As many Take5 candy bars as the winner could eat in three, maybe five, sittings. That certainly upped the stakes.

Responses poured in. A person identified as “Chatita” was the first to post the correct answer, Sunday evening at precisely 9:09 pm. (Does 09-09-09 mean anything numerologically I wonder?)

Monday morning, we announced that “Chatita” was the winner of the grand prize of all-she-can-eat-within-reason Take5 candy bars.

That afternoon came a dramatic turn of events, with this post from Evan, BzzAgent’s vigilante-sleuth:

Evan Says:
April 10th, 2006 at 1:48 pm

Chatita is most likely Mary, a hive resident.

Gasp! We had just declared that Hive residents and persons residing outside the United States were ineligible to win.

Seven minutes later we learned the truth — and more. Much more.

Chatita Says:
April 10th, 2006 at 1:55 pm

Yes, I am a BzzAgent employee indeed.

AND I also have an MBA, so that makes us 3. So the answer is wrong. =)

Astonishment! Chatita is, in fact, Mary Delaguila, BzzAgent Producer. AND she holds an MBA from Clark University. With that single comment, Mary invalidated both the quiz and herself from winning it.

What to do?

Balter set aside weighty issues of finance, technology, and organizational structure, to manage the crisis that the Pop Quiz had become. Within seconds, he had a solution: “Maybe we give Take 5’s to everyone who played?”

That’s the kind of crisp decision-making that will take BzzAgent to the top of the WOM heap.
And so, that’s that. Contest closed. Everyone who posted an answer to the quiz as of midnight Monday, April 10, please contact Jono for your ration of Take 5’s [jono at bzzagent dot com].

Now, let’s get back to the important stuff. For example, how many people do you think are involved in office pool betting at the Hive?

Four people answered both questions in the Pop Quiz correctly, but there is only one BIG WINNER. (See below.)

First, the correct answers:

b. There are two MBA’s currently working at the Hive. (That is, they’re employed by BzzAgent. I don’t know what they’re doing at this exact moment.) They are:

Matt McGlinn, Director of Analytics, who earned his MBA from the Zicklin School of Business at Baruch College, which is part of the City University of New York (CUNY) system, in 2003.

Sam Clemens, Director of Network Optimization, who got his MBA from Harvard Business School in ‘04. (And, yes, he is related to Samuel Clemens, a.k.a. Mark Twain. Rather distantly, a nephew with several “greats” in front of it.)

a. Hard to believe, but, according to many sources, there are no (0) romantic entanglements at the Hive at this moment. Early in my investigations, I received a tip that one might exist, but my source had no eyewitnesses or any material evidence. Further exhaustive inquiries, carried out by a special 90 Days operative, revealed that the rumor was false.

As to why there are no budding romances among 42 reasonably healthy and presentable people, I received the following explanations:

1. We are just good friends and don’t want to mess things up.

2. No one has time for that #@*!!*

3. Everybody in the Hive already has a significant other outside the Hive.

4. The selection is not so hot.

Now for the three people with the correct answers, but who did not win. Here are their comments to the post:

1. George Nimeh Says:
April 10th, 2006 at 10:04 am

Hi,

A couple advanced degrees are flying around the hive, but not a lot of MBAs … Matt McGlinn has an MBA. Kristin has a Masters in Design Theory - not an MBA. David Wagner has a JD - not an MBA. Dave Balter lectures to MBA students, but he doesn’t have a degree. I wonder if he tells them that it is overrated.

Ruling out prior false answers, the fact that “research indicates that the number of MBA’s exceeds the number of in-house couples” and my hunch that there is no way the company has hired 5 MBAs, my best guess is:

B (2 MBAs)
A (no office snogging)

~G~

Very taut reasoning, George. Unfortunately, you are not the winner, because we have reason to believe you are located in the United Kingdom, which, although we forgot to mention it, disqualifies you.

Aaron Says:
April 9th, 2006 at 11:37 am
B
A

Very succinct, Aaron. Unfortunately, you are not eligible either because you are a BzzAgent employee and a Hive resident.

Sarah Says:
April 10th, 2006 at 10:00 am

b and a

Right you are, Sarah. Sorry to say, however, that when I said “Act Now” I meant it. You were beaten to the punch by:

Chatita Says:
April 9th, 2006 at 9:09 pm

B & A

CHATITA, whoever and wherever (but not in the UK) you are, please contact Jono (itsmejono@) to receive your free prize of all the Take5 sample size candy bars you can eat in five sittings! (This calculation is based on Dave Balter’s estimation of healthy and safe portion size.)

Congratulations, Chatita, and thanks to all the rest of you who submitted (wrong or late) answers.

P.S. If anyone knows of a previously-undetected office romance, or would like to start one (not with me, see reasons #1-3 above), please let me know.

Only four responses to the Pop Quiz so far, and none of them right.

In order to stimulate a little more response, Mr. Dave Balter, Founder and CEO of BzzAgent, has officially authorized the awarding of a special prize to the first person who comes up with the correct answer to both questions.

What is the prize?

In Balter’s words: “More Take5 candy bars than a candy-fanatic winner can eat in 5 sittings.”

Contest might close Tuesday at 5 pm, but it could be sooner or later.

Act now!

BzzAgent has never had a formal performance review process, but now they do.

Over the last few weeks, input about each employee has been gathered from her/his manager as well as from several of the employee’s peers. The peer input is anonymous, but it’s pretty hard not to know who your peers are in a company of 40-some people.

The input has been boiled down into numerical ratings in twenty categories. Categories 1-3 have to do with collaboration, 4 & 5 are about communication, 7-12 are related to professionalism, and 13-20 are about workproduct. The ratings are from 0-5, and are weighted toward positivity — 5 is superb, 4 is excellent, 3 is very good, 2 is good, 1 is adequate, and 0 is inadequate. The bias of the review, obviously, is toward success. On page 2 of the review form there is room for verbatim comments from the input reviews, which are also anonymous.

Each person’s manager will meet individually with the employee, go over the numerical scores, discuss the comments, and then get down to the nitty-gritty: the compensation. Money, stock options, benefits, etc.

I talked with several Hive denizens and got a sense that people are both a little nervous about the meetings and also generally supportive of the process. Jovan Hsu meets with his manager, Robert Pehlke, this afternoon. He was smiling before it. I asked him if I could sit in on the review. “That would be interesting,” he said, with some seriousness. “But no.” He promised to talk with me after.

Val Alderson and all of the folks in Analytics have their review meetings tomorrow. When I asked Val how she felt she gave me one of those no-comment smiles before actually saying, “No comment.” Michele Hanson looked pretty cool about it all. But she’s been through the Myers-Briggs typology test, which gets down to personal preferences and basic personality types, which can leave you feeling pretty naked.

Anyway, there is already enough nerviness around the Hive because of the performance reviews, so that my post about the open AP/AR position, the salary offering, and the general tension about “new” salaries versus “old” salaries, didn’t help matters. According to Dave, the management team wants to “smash him.”

To make matters just a little more complicated, HR Director Suzan Doucette, who joined BzzAgent in January, gave two weeks’ notice. It’s not easy looking for an HR Director without an HR Director to do the search, while also conducting the first-ever performance review.

Meanwhile, Robert Toof nailed a sale for a 5,000 agent national campaign for a new client in the world of food, Balter charmed (and, in one case, neutralized) an audience at the National Consumer Protection Week 2006 Conference at the Federal Reserve Bank of all places, and the fruit in the 25-cent food basket had gone over the hill once again — one mushy plum, a rock-hard orange, and a flabby grapefruit.