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This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 29 September 2020

Zen and the art of being a good pope

Yes, this is another in our series "How to be a good pope," designed to provide useful advice to any of our readers who might suddenly be told "You've just been elected to the Chair of St Peter. Put on this white coat, get out on the balcony, and smile as if you really meant it."

Now sometimes you get pestered by unwanted visitors. Obviously, there are visitors that you welcome with open arms, such as little gnomes writing biographies of you, or LGBT Jesuits wanting to build bridges. But there are others that you definitely mustn't see.

Cardinal Zen

Hide and seek in the Vatican.

One such is Cardinal Tao, the 94-year-old Chinese cardinal, who has walked all the way from Hong Kong to discuss with you the appointment of bishops in his own country. You thought you had it all sewn up: President Xi Jinandtonic was to send you lots of money, and you would let him chooses his pet thugs as bishops. After all, what's wrong with having thugs as bishops, or even cardinals? In the United States it is quite normal.

But Tao refuses to be silent. Luckily he is only going to be around for four days and you have many places you can hide: behind the sofa, under the bed, in the cupboard under the stairs, in the toilet. As Baroness Orczy put it:
They seek him here, they seek him there. 
Those Chinese seek him everywhere. 
Is he in Heaven or is he in Hell? 
That demned elusive Popernel.

Scarlet pimpernel

The scarlet Popernel.

You could even try removing your papal robes, dressing as a gardener, and slipping out unnoticed. A much more important Man than you was once mistaken for a gardener!

But there is another cloud on the horizon. Cardinal Billabong from Australia has escaped from prison, and he's come to check your tax returns! Unlike Tao, he has very good eyesight, and you won't be able to elude him so easily.

Hmm... this one could be tricky. If I get any good ideas I'll let you know.

Saturday, 26 September 2020

Becciu gets the sack

The phone rang. "Headmaster wants to see you, Eminence," said Gonzalo Aemilius, the Pope's personal secretary. "Better stick some books down the back of your cassock, you're in for a caning."

Cardinal Giovanni Becciu, Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, cautiously entered the Pope's study, known colloquially as the Awful Office. Was the Headmaster going to tick him off for recommending Ruth Bader Ginsburg for canonization on the advice of James Martin, Massimo Faggioli, and several others who had the Pope's ear? Or was it something else?

Pope and Becciu

"No, Cardinal, I really can't accept your cheque while people are watching."

"I have here a letter from the Count of Monte Ballarat," said the Pope. "In fact it's really Cardinal Pell, the man imprisoned in the Château Wallaby for fifteen years on trumped-up charges. He has now escaped and is starting to take revenge on the people who betrayed him. I'll Becciu weren't expecting that! (Joke!)"

"But why does he use the alias 'Count of Monte Ballarat'?" asked Becciu.

"He knows very well that my secretary has orders to tear up all letters from cardinals on sight. We don't want any more Dubia slipping through! Now, Pell was looking into the finances of the Vatican before he was sent away, and has laid some very severe charges against you."

Cardinal Pell laughing

Cardinal Pell is deeply grieved by the downfall of Becciu.

"Does he know about my private company Vatican Embezzlement Inc.?"

"More than that. He has been following the money, and knows that it is wholly owned by Becciu Slushfunds, which in turn is a shadow company that sends money to Becciu Investments, and this in turn funnels its profits into Becciu Laundries and Dry Cleaning. It seems that all you launder is money..."

"It's just accounting, Holy Headmaster, you wouldn't understand it."


Suspicious going-on in the Vatican laundry.

"I'll have to do something about this you know. Apparently all the newspapers have been carrying the story for over a year, except the ones I read: La Civiltà Cattolica, The National Catholic Reporter, America, the Tablet and the Beano. You're FIRED!"

"You mean...?"

"Hand over your red hat and your key to the Cardinals' washroom. Cardinal Cocainepusher wants me to tell you that you're not invited to any more Saturday night parties. Gammarelli's will no longer be giving you a staff discount."

"Can I keep my email business, sending messages to gullible people offering them a million euros if they let me use their bank account?"

"Yes, no problem, Giovanni. And don't worry - I'm going to commission a full report on the whole affair, but it's in a queue after the McCarrick report, so you're all right for ten years or so."


"Just one thing though... the Count of Monte Ballarat says that there are more people he wants to expose, including FATHER BIG, himself. Do you think he knows about that money we've been getting from Soros and Xi Jinping?"

Sunday, 20 September 2020

Death of a Saint

Once in a while someone dies who is instantly recognised as a saintly being by our spiritual leaders. A few months ago it was George Floyd, the violent drug-crazed robber. His virtues were recognised by Fr James Martin, who instantly awarded him a place in Heaven.

Jimbo tweet

Well, I've tried praying to St George the Floyd in Heaven, but I keep getting the "number unobtainable" message. So maybe I am not spiritual enough to appreciate his saintliness.

Then, a day or two ago, we said farewell to top lawyer Ruth Bader Ginsburg, without whom many kids now dead through abortion might have been given a chance to live. Now, there are lots of good reasons why I should not comment adversely on the dear departed.

  1. De mortuis nil nisi bonum, attributed to Chilon of Sparta (600 BC), although he said it in Greek. This rather limits what we can say about anyone in history. Judas Iscariot knew how to make a quick buck (=30 pieces of silver), Henry VIII was a great musician, Hitler a promising painter. Ruth hardly ever tortured kittens.
  2. Judge not that ye be not judged. Awkward this one, as dear Ruth made a living out of judging people. Anyway, we can comment on her activities without judging her.

Chilon of Sparta

Chilon of Sparta - I have nothing but good to say of him.

Now, a lot of people have decided to go for the "Praise Ruth" option. Governor Mike Huckabee, who is an amusing Southern Baptist, and so slightly saved, and whose most irritating habit is to torment people with his electric bass guitar, goes for the "respectful memory" option - but then Baptists don't canonize people - reflecting on her friendship with the late Justice Scalia.

But it is impossible to know the ultimate destination of La Ginsburg until Fr Jim has pronounced. Since she was a Democrat, we know he will support her, as pro-life issues must always come second to party loyalty - except when Republicans do it, eh, Jim?

"May her memory be a blessing."

Apparently dear Ruth was also described a "champion of LGBTQ rights on the bench". There we must draw the line, since if the LGBTQ people wish to exercise their rights, a bed is surely far more appropriate than a park bench. But what do I know?

Anyway, that's enough spiritual nourishment for now. RIP, Ruth, and RIP all the unborn kids being torn to pieces before they have a chance to grow up and become lawyers.

Saturday, 12 September 2020

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 7: The rule of Six

Continued from Chapter 6.

1. In the ninth month of the year, the plague continued to rage, or, more accurately, to be slightly peeved.

2. For, although there were some new sick people, the Angel of Death had dropped his mighty scythe and now slew just one or two with his less mighty sword of cardboard.

"I need a holiday."

3. And Bo-sis spake, saying, "Let us talk once more to the people of EU-gypt about the issue of Brexodus. For, although we have left, there is more to be decided."

4. Thus he ordered his servant David the Frosty to meet with Michael Bar-nier in a form of mortal combat known as negotiation.

5. But Bar-nier was exceeding wrathful, for David the Frosty wished to take away all the fish for which the children of Bri-tain hungered.

6. This would force the Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, to feed her five thousand people on just five loaves and two fishes.

An exclusive picture of the EU-gypt fishing quota.

7. Moreover, Bo-sis was forced to reconsider the Backstab, or the Irishite Question, wherein the trade in milk and honey with the Irishites was to be governed.

8. For, as is recorded elsewhere, whenever Bo-sis was getting close to the answer, the Irishites secretly changed the Question.

9. However, the plague had not gone away, and the Angel of Death spake again unto Bo-sis, saying "Coo-eee, I am still here!"

10. Thus Bo-sis took decisive action, and appointed an army known as the Marshals of Covid, who were to patrol the streets shouting at passers-by the mighty words "KEEP THY DISTANCE!"

"This street ain't big enough for the two of us."

11. Also, because Bo-sis and his servant Matthew, of the trible of Hanoch, liked to speak in slogans, they created a new one: "HANDS - FACE - SPACE - THE FINAL FRONT EAR", although none knew what it meant exactly.

12. Then Matthew of Hanoch counted up the number of his friends, and it came to five (if he counted the ones who did not really like him).

13. Thus he gave an order, known as the Rule of Six, saying that no party should consist of more than six people.

14. And all the people were angered by this, except for the Libdemites, who said "A party of six people? We have been practising this for years!"

To be continued.

Saturday, 5 September 2020

How to be a good pagan pope

This is of course the latest instalment in our series "How to be a good pope", providing essential advice for anyone expecting to be launched into the Chair of St Peter. (However, be warned, Pope Francis is taking the 93+ years of Leo XIII and Benedict XVI as a challenge, and has lots of exciting plans for making the Catholic Church unrecognizable in the next ten years...)

Pope Leo XIII

"Thank you for sending me the idol of Pachamama. I have thrown it into the Tiber."

It's been a frustrating summer, and you haven't been able to hold your usual audiences in front of great crowds, nor to take aeroplane trips (your usual opportunity for inventing new doctrine). True, you had another chat with Scalfari, who at 96 is even older than Benedict and Leo, even if he does make everything up from memory. But it turned out to be a bit of a non-event.

You were so desperate for company that you were reduced to allowing Austen Ivereigh to interview you - somehow he misunderstood your groans of "Let me sleep!" when he phoned you up at 3 a.m., and he is going to call the resulting book "Let us dream!" (Memo: remind Austen to brush up his Italian.) More on that some other time.

Francis/Ivereigh drivel

No, seriously...

Well, you amused yourself a little by tinkering with the Italian liturgy. The bits quoted from the Bible always looked wrong to you, so you were happy to rewrite them in the way Jesus would have put things if he'd been as wise as you. But this is merely trolling the traditionalists, so you need something bigger to keep yourself in the public eye.

Got it! For the next month we're going to celebrate the Jubilee for the Earth, the Season of Creation. That is, paganism. Here are a couple of wise things you might preach. Don't mention Jesus, sin, redemption, Heaven, Hell, or any of that stuff. It just confuses people.

Francis tweet 1

What's that strange voice I hear?

Listen carefully, folks, that's the voice of creation speaking. Forget all that nonsense about being masters of creation - rewriting Genesis is next on your list - and remember that we are all spiders in a web, not just your friend Tony Spidero.

Francis tweet 2

I got rhythm...

Speak out about the rhythms of creation. You may go down in history as the rhythmical pope, which is better than the web-bound pope. However, be warned: one of your likely successors, Cardinal Taggle-Waggle, is already putting in a claim to be the most rhythmical pope, and his dance moves are better than yours.

Tagle and Francis

"I got rhythm AND I got music."

Anyway, keep muttering about the Rhythms of the Earth, the Jubilee of Creation, the Season of the Voice, the Voice of the Season, the Creation of Rhythm, and the Jubilee of the Season of Creation of the Rhythms of the Voice of the Earth... and that will keep people in a state of confusion until your next encyclical gets written.

Friday, 28 August 2020

It's Supernun!

In a previous post we asked Sister Judy Piranha of the Nuns of Herod to explain why voting Democrat was the only reasonable possibility for an American Catholic. Now, to redress the balance, we present Supernun!

Sr Deirdre Byrne

Supernun! (Real name Deirdre Byrne.)

Sr Deirdre (a.k.a. Dede) is no ordinary nun. Trained as an army surgeon, she can strangle heretics with her bare hands and kill them with a single blow - medical knowledge comes in handy! According to Wikipedia she is also a world-class distance runner, but that could be someone else.

Anyway, her super-powers include flying, X-ray vision, and laser-like eyes which can melt steel (making her stare the most piercing since Mother Angelica's). She also has breath that can freeze a Jesuit at ten paces.

Horan has a hissy fit

The Horan of Babylon is not amused.

You can tell that Supernun is making an impact - Daniel Horan of Babylon, a well-known opponent of pro-life activities, threw a hissy fit and played the Nazi card. If his picture is anything to judge by, he has already had his hair vaporized by the piercing glare of Supernun!

Horan is also very worried about the weaponised rosary of Supernun! It seems that he doesn't mind rosaries as a fashion accessory, to go with that lovely Chanel robe he wears, but woe betide you if you use them as a way of fighting evil!

Another well-known Democrat, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ BOTA (Beast of the Apocalypse) is also throwing a wobbly at the special powers of Supernun! His argument is that religious people should not endorse politicians. Of course, he has praised Biden and attacked Trump on many occasions - he threw a memorable tantrum when Donald was elected - but nobody could possibly deduce anything about his political views from that!

But enough - in fact too much - of Jimbo the Clown.

Long live Supernun!

Mother Angelica

Coming soon, the adventures of Supermother!

Sunday, 23 August 2020

Pay nuns more so that they can make moral judgements!!??

Today, a guest post from Sister Judy Piranha, of the Nuns for Herod, who led prayers at the Democrat National Convention.

Coo-ee everyone!!?? It was a great privilege to be a guest of honour at the Democratic Convention, especially since we of the Nuns for Herod are the least conventional sisters you'll ever meet!!??

Sr Simone Campbell

No rude comments about my habits, please!!??

Ever since the days of President Barack Aborter, we in the Nuns for Herod have been keen Democrats!!?? It's all part and parcel of being one of the "Fat Nuns in the Limousine"!!?? I was delighted when Joe Biden came up to me, stroked my hair, and said, "What's it like being a naughty nun, sister??!!" I replied, "Well, it's not to be sniffed at"!!?? Oddly, he replied, "That's a shame," and moved away!!??

Now, many of you have asked me, "Do you really support abortion??!!" Well, that's above my pay grade!!?? If you want nuns to make moral judgements, you must pay them more!!?? 30 pieces of silver will buy you a moral judgement, dearie!!?? And we're not dogmatic - you can have any answer you like!!??

Of course Abortercare is not universally popular with nuns!!?? Think of the Little Sisters of the Poor, who don't think nuns should send out baby-killing drugs!!?? Well, you can see that they're losers, can't you!!?? Otherwise they'd be the Big Sisters of the Rich, and get lots of juicy grants from rich companies!!??


The Big Sisters of the Rich (not losers!!??)

But enough of that!!?? Sister Kamala* is organizing an auction today!!?? Who wants to buy a nun's conscience, totally unused??!! Send your bids in!!??

*Originally Mary, but that wouldn't do!!??

Friday, 21 August 2020

The World Cup of Ugly Churches - nominations requested

Time for another World Cup. We've done Bad hymns (Lord of the Dance), Bad cardinals (Cupich), Bad Catholic journalists (James Martin), and Liturgical abuses (Idols).

So let's have a World Cup of Ugly Churches. They can be Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox - any Christian denomination. We'll exclude mosques, Buddhist temples, etc. (which tend to be quite attractive anyway, although not spiritually nourishing).

To nominate something please provide a URL that links to information about the church in question*, so that I can get a picture and be sure that it really is a church and not a warehouse or nuclear bunker. The photo can be taken outside or inside, whichever you prefer.

*either by replying to this post, or by replying to my Twitter advert.

Voting will be by Twitter polls, and will start when I have enough entrants.

To get us started, here are three strong-looking contenders.

Parroquia Santa Monica

Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid, Spain.


Wotrubakirche, Vienna, Austria.

Eglise Sainte Bernadette

Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay, France.

Remember that all these were built in order to glorify God. Or at least to make the architect rich.

Monday, 17 August 2020

Jim Wrong-un to address Democratic People's Convention

As reported by North Korea, the North Korean Jesuit magazine (editor Jim Wrong-un), Father Jim Wrong-un SJ has been invited to address the Democratic People's Republic Workers' Party Convention, which will be choosing their candidate for Supreme Leader.

James Martin

Jim Wrong-un.

In fact the way in which the new leader is chosen is very simple. The current leader, coincidentally named Kim Jong-un, is nominated, and anyone who disagrees is shot.

Fr Jim, described by his own magazine as a "faith leader" (no, don't laugh, he has many followers), is a long-term supporter of the Workers' Party, maintaining that the "seamless garbage" approach to theology means that their unfortunate habit of killing anyone who gets in their way doesn't invalidate their credentials as a strongly pro-life party; indeed, Supreme Leader Kim is a good Catholic who fully believes in bridge-building to the LGBT community - or would if it actually existed.


The US flags were later replaced by rainbow flags.

Some people have criticised Jim's invitation, but he says that he will deliver a simple prayer with a message of love, peace, justice, mercy, and a wish that all the Supreme Leader's remaining enemies are humiliated.

"And if I am given a similar invitation by the Leader of the Opposition*, I shall of course attend and say the same prayer," he explained.

*a title awarded posthumously.

Sunday, 16 August 2020

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 6: How to avoid Qu'ran'tain

Continued from Chapter 5.

1. After forty days and forty nights the people of BALM ceased to wage war on statues, and the children of Bri-tain became anxious about the plague once more.

2. So there was a great rejoicing in the land when Bosis told them that more freedom would be granted to them.

3. The houses of public could reopen, but those who entered must at all times remain at a distance of four cubits from their drinks.

4. The cutters of hair could work as before, but only on those who were bald, such as Elisha the prophet.


Elisha waiteth for his haircut.

5. So that those who were hairy men, like unto Esau, must remain forever unshorn.

6. Also, the eating-houses were open, but only for those who were fasting.

7. But finally Bosis agreed that everyone who wished to eat, drink, or be shorn could now do so, but must wear masks at all times.

8. Finally, even the churches were allowed to open, although the faithful were told to obey the new commandments of Bosis.

9. For it is written, "Shun thy neighbour. Receive the Lord in thy sanitized hands. Do not sing unto the Lord a new song. Worship ye the Lord by booking ahead on the web that is wide."

10. Now, it being summer time, many left the land of Bri-tain to seek sunshine, the wine that is cheap, and the companionship of the mosquito. Yeah, even in the land of EU-gypt.

11. But Bosis was angry, for the people were enjoying themselves at last. And many were seen without masks.

Boris and grumpy cat

The anger of Bosis.

12. So Bosis sent out a decree, that those who returned from EU-gypt must go to a place called Qu'ran'tain for fourteen days and fourteen nights.

13. In Qu'ran'tain they might not leave their houses.

14. If they wished to eat, they should pray, and manna would be dropped from Heaven. If they wished to walk their dogs, they should march round the room seventy times seven times. If they fell sick, they were told to die quietly.

15. For Bosis had discovered that the Service of Health worked very well when nobody tried to use it.

16. Meanwhile, there were many who wished to enter Bri-tain without passing through Qu'ran'tain. So they rode across the sea in the boats of rubber, and no man attempted to block their way.


The makers of holiday hurry back to work.

Continued in Chapter 7.

Friday, 14 August 2020

Day of Judgement marks downgraded

August 14th 2021

Religious leaders have complained that the results of the Day of Judgement are "a complete fiasco" and "unfair and unfathomable", after the marks for many candidates were downgraded from the predictions given by their spiritual leaders.

C of E jumpers

"We're going to Heaven!" Or are they?

Worshippers from a variety of religions have discovered that the heavenly places they expected have been refused to them.

Said Pastor Noodle of the Calvary Chapel, "I awarded Mr Bosco three A* grades, and was expecting him to take up his place in the University of Heaven. After regrading, he was awarded F-, F-, F-, and will be forced to go to a much less prestigious place."

Similarly, Imam Oran complained: "I awarded grades to my class which would have granted them each 72 virgins in the afterlife; after re-assessment, they ended up with 72 sturgeons each, and most of them don't even like fish."

Nicola Sturgeon

Or maybe it wasn't fish.

Problems in the Catholic Church too, where Headmaster Francis's assessment of his star pupils Blase Cupich, James Martin, and Austen Ivereigh turned out to be wildly optimistic. We are still waiting for the end-of-term report on Ted McCarrick, but it seems that his predicted grades of F-----, F----- and F----- are more-or-less accurate.


"I'm appealing!" (Oh no you're not!)

Thursday, 13 August 2020

How to be a Catholic

Many readers have written to me, saying, "I'm just an ordinary sort of guy, who would quite like to be a priest/Pope/President of the USA/lion-tamer/serial killer/celebrity chef and I feel it would improve my career possibilities if I were a Catholic. Can you help me?"

Pope and Biden

How many Catholics can you count in this photo?

Now, it is surprisingly easy to be a cradle Catholic, as Fr James Martin points out. First, your parents must own a cradle, and put you in it. Next, you are taken along to a church, and baptised in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. You can sleep through the whole sacrament, if you wish to.

Also, even some non-Catholic baptisms are valid (e.g. the Anglican version): the important thing is to get the form of words right, so that, for example, the following are invalid:

  • Welcome to the Calumny Chapel, brother Bosco! You is now saved.
  • We baptise you in the name of the great Pachamama.
  • I bap... oh dear I've dropped little Jorge in the river. Watch out for those piranha fish!
Anyway, if you want to be a Catholic, and not have to worry about it again, then it's best to get a Catholic baptism. Otherwise you have to convert later, and Austen Ivereigh will describe you as "neurotic".

Martin v Tobin

See? That was easy.

But how do I stop being a Catholic?

This is not as easy as it sounds. You can do almost anything you like, and nobody will turn a hair. Yes, yes, there is excommunication latae sententiae, and that even includes apostates, heretics, and schismatics, but nobody important is going to speak out and say you are no longer a Catholic (except for special cases such as Queen Elizabeth I).

Other things you can do to be excommunicated l.s. include hitting the Pope (so that Chinese girl was wise not to retaliate when he slapped her), and procuring an abortion (on the other hand, facilitating thousands of abortions is permitted). Watch out, if you are a bishop, as ordaining someone without permission is also an offence. It's not clear whether laymen can ordain people without permission.

Nicholas v Arius

Slapping heretics is allowed.

But let's be realistic, if Fr James Martin LGBTSJ and the blessed Joseph Biden are in no danger of excommunication, you can be Catholic in any way you like. Strictly speaking, Catholics should do saved person stuff once in a while - prayers, Mass, Confession, reading this blog, ... but you'd be surprised how many Top Catholics simply don't bother!

Wednesday, 12 August 2020

Bi-elzebub appoints Ka-Moloch as his running mate

As the battle of Armageddon draws closer, the demon candidate Joe Bi-elzebub has finally nominated Ka-Moloch as his running-mate. He had a rich field to choose from, although he had already stipulated that the successful candidate should be female, black-hearted and infinitely evil. Would it be Elizabeth Apollyon, Susan Baal, or even the joke candidate, Alexandria Occasional-Serpent?


"Small lives don't matter" Ka-Moloch, with her lunch.

In the end, it is Ka-Moloch who gets the job, possibly because she agrees with Joe Bi-elzebub on the main Catholic issues: they are both great fans of the family organization Planned Dismemberment, and they both believe that marriage can be between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or - for the real eccentrics - a man and a woman.

Thomas Tobin tweet

POW! The bishop tells it as it is.

The battle of Armageddon is expected to be a close-run thing. St Maga and his angels have some faults too (saints are allowed to) - although for them the trend is probably heavenward rather than in the opposite direction - and so many pious Catholics (St James the LGBTSJ, St Massimo the Bean, and St Colbert the Jokeless) are still backing Joe.


I promised not to comment on Camela's Botox injections.

Anyway, now that Joe has got his sidekick sorted out, his only problem is to get elected before his wits fade away entirely put forward a positive Catholic agenda for Armageddon, containing lots of imaginative plans for the slaughter of innocents. Should be fun!

Author's note: If Joe was simply a psychopathic baby-killer, I wouldn't mind, but being a Catholic psychopathic baby-killer is too much.

Addendum: an improved picture from @eoros1012.


Sunday, 9 August 2020

The Dark Lord Bauron calls a meeting

So it came to pass that the Dark Lord (Bishop) Bauron called a secret conference of his allies: there came unto his online DOOM meeting a host of wizards, witches, orcs, trolls, balrogs, wargs, giant spiders, Jesuits, and many others.

Bishop Barron on fire

Mordor on Fire!

And Bauron addressed his troops as follows:

"Friends, before we start may I just mention that I have a new book out, the Sellamillion, which you will all want to recommend to your flocks? If you have a book tolkien to spend, then you cannot do better.

Now, we are here today to declare war on the forces of tradition, led by my arch-enemy Radtradagast the Grey, Marshal of the tailors.

For too long have the Rad Trads criticised our ways, and refused to serve in my Mordor on Fire Empire. They shout out incantations in the old language of Latin, refusing to worship in Orcish, as agreed by the 2nd Council of the Vat Orthanc. They preach ancient doctrines, such as the existence of Hell, and they believe in the literal truth of scripture. They insult my good servant Father James Sarumartin the rainbow-coloured, builder of the Bridge of Elbigat and author of much fine new teaching.



Worse of all, they report on all are we are doing, with tabloid-style journalism, using the book of faces, the elvish twitters, the tubes of You, and the great web of the world."

"What shall we do, Master?" asked a young orc, with more courage than wisdom.

Vapourising the unhappy creature instantly for its impertinence, Bauron spake out in a voice of Doom: "FRIENDS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE A GOOD CRY ABOUT IT. But if Cardinal Gollan turns up, ask him to give me a ring, would you?"

Friday, 31 July 2020

How not to break the Ten Commandments in church

Following the well-deserved triumph of "IDOLS" in the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses, perhaps because their use is so obviously a breach of the First Commandment, it seems only right to see which other commandments you (or your priest/bishop/cardinal/pope) may break during a standard service.


This one needs no introduction.


Yes, we've just done that one. They don't come much stranger than Pachamama, even if Austen Ivereigh told us that she should be identified with the Blessed Virgin Mary.


I don't think I've ever heard priests swear in church. One of the tests they make seminarians go through is to drop a heavy weight on their feet and see what swear words they come out with. If it's the F-word or the J-word (the name of our Lord), they're out and can only become Jesuits. If it's a more restrained "Thump! Blinking Heck!" then they are allowed to graduate. You will NEVER hear a bishop say worse than "Chase my Aunt Fanny up a gum tree!" even if someone puts tin tacks on his Cathedra. Try it and see whether I'm right.

brass tacks

Getting down to brass tacks, bishop?


Well, round here they have suspended the Day of Obligation aspect to Sundays. Indeed, as part of social distancing or whatever, we are encouraged to go to Mass on a different day if possible ("keep Tuesday holy"). So now there is not the smallest sense of obligation about Sundays - you can if you wish watch a livestreamed Mass, or (for light relief) one of Bishop Barron's videos; but you don't need to.


It's fairly easy to keep this one in Mass, except for the occasional "Shut up, Gran!" when the old dear is talking during the homily. Or you may prefer "Speak up, Gran!" if it's Deacon M. preaching.


Human sacrifices are not normally part of Mass, even in the Amazon. However, we have not yet seen Cardinal Marx's full plans for the German church.


Well, since Amoris Laetitia, this commandment has more-or-less been abolished. Still, adulterous unions are not an intrinsic part of the liturgy. You might count a general condemnation of immorality here, so banners celebrating LGBT relationships, polygamy, or three-in-a-vat-of-custard nude wrestling are also out.

Custard pride flag

Fly this flag or you will be guilty of Custardophobia!


As Cardinals Becciu, Versaldi and Maradiaga are at pains to point out, they just borrowed the collection bags and took them home for safe keeping.


This really depends on the sort of Mass you go to. In a Novus Ordo Mass everyone is silently praying before the service. The Extraordinary Form people are gossiping away like nobody's business - in Latin of course.


I think there's a footnote in Amoris Laetitia saying that this is now allowed (after accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps an evening out in an expensive restaurant). Still, it's really more trouble than it's worth.


Originally this included male or female servants, oxen or donkeys, or anything that belonged to your neighbour. This is why most people do not bring their servants or animals to Mass, to avoid giving temptation to others who might covet them. Likewise, if someone sits down next to you and puts an ox or donkey within coveting range, then we advise you to go and sit somewhere else.

Palm Sunday donkey

Avoid Palm Sunday processions if you are a donkey-coveter.

Tuesday, 28 July 2020

AOC is the future of the Catholic Church

In a brilliant piece of writing, it has been revealed that Alexandria Occasional-Cortex (the woman with the part-time brain), alias AOC, is the future of the Catholic Church. Many readers (my aunt and my cat) have asked me to explain this in more detail for those who find the original article by Comrade Heidi Schlumpf too difficult to digest.

Comrade AOC, or "Big Sister" as she wishes to be known.

With the backing of Pope Francis, whose political views are very similar, and his likely successor Cardinal Cupich, AOC proposes to reform the Catholic Church in her own image.

Out goes the Pontifical Academy for Life, which was never very active anyway, and in comes the Pontifical Academy for Death, confirming once and for all that pro-life issues are no longer worth taking seriously. After all, as Fr James Martin LGBTSJ believes, you cannot be pro-life if you don't believe in gay marriage; or as St Greta of Thunderbird puts it, how DARE you try and save people's lives when the world is literally burning away into ashes. (How many polar bears have YOU seen today? Well, that proves it.) That great statesman and pious Catholic, Joe Biden, backs the Pontifical Academy for Death all the way.

Your new-look Vatican (St Lubyanka's Square)

So it's time to remodel the Vatican on socialist principles. The CDF will be closed down and replaced by the KGB (the Kongregation for Good Belief), which will punish all those who criticise our supreme leader Francis or the blessed Alexandria. Cells are already being built for Viganò, Schneider, Burke, Brandmüller, Zen, Sarah, Festing, and other dissidents, and these people will not be released until they have undergone a sacrament known as Cerebellum Mundabitur (washing of the brain); they will then sign a letter saying that they love Big Brother (the new more comradely title for the Holy Father).

Just what I've always wanted!

All churches will be closed down, and our subsidiary organization, BLM-Antifa-Extinction, or Soros-Gates Enterprises for short, will be responsible for setting fire to them. Catholic worship will be conducted by means of a two-way telescreen in every Catholic's house, which will check that all Catholic worship is compliant with socialist doctrine.

Every day the liturgy will include a two-minute hate, although the object of the hatred will change daily. Some times it will be the hated Trump, but it may also be the hated far-right Johnson, the hated Orbán, the hated Salvini, or whoever else our chief theological adviser (Comrade Massimo Faggioli) deems suitable for attack.

Finally, the Catholic Church's major shareholder, the Chinese People's Catholic Church, will be contributing ideas for the best way to control rebel Catholics - locking them in a dungeon and feeding them on bat soup is just one new idea that is being explored.

Comrade Schlumpf is right: the future of the Catholic Church is definitely Occasional-Cortex!

Monday, 20 July 2020

Receiving in the hand or on the tongue?

And there came unto the prophet Eccles a holy priest who asked the following question:

Longenecker asks a question

A real toughie!

So Eccles consulted a few friends, each of whom received Communion in a different way, and this is what they said:

Fay Risee, receiver in the hand.

I thank God that I am not like that wretched publican over there, who is kneeling down and hoping to receive on the tongue. My bishop really hates anything that smacks of "traditionalism", "believing in the Real Presence", "reverence", etc., and he has given instructions to all his priests that if they attempt to offer the sacrament on the tongue, they will be cast into the outer darkness, where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth. Or perhaps the SSPX. Who cares whether it is safer to receive on the tongue or in the hand? My bishop is the only God I believe in!

"Nervous" Odo, worshipper at St Daryl the Apostate's.

In ordinary times, Fr Phil would consecrate bread that he had bought from Tesco's on the way to Mass. Sometimes he couldn't get bread and used Eccles cakes! No way could they be delivered on the tongue. But now for safety reasons, we have individually packaged hosts in little envelopes, which we can take home and consume at our leisure. Or give them to friends!

self service Communion

Self service!

Telly Addict, watcher of livestream masses.

For me it is not an issue, as I no longer attend Church, but watch all my masses by livestream. Unless there is something better on. That Ed Stewpot with his semi-religious BBC show "Sunday" is very good, isn't he? Last week he had the Dalai Lama, George Soros, and the Chief Satanist all commenting on climate change. Anyway, when I do listen the priest encourages us to make a "spiritual communion" instead. Of course, I don't always manage to do this - last time, the man from Amazon rang the doorbell, delivering my copy of the best-selling Bumper Book of Bishop Barron Burbles - but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

Ivereigh lays down the law

Chairman Ivereigh has spoken.