T o x i c
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F e a t u r e s
All those niggling questions you've always
wondered about Australia...
See the Doctor do battle with the deadly
Unrealistatrons from the planet Mothball 6!
All the sights from our USA holiday... find out
how miserable air travel can be when Richard and
Oliver are in the seats behind you..
Probably the world's silliest reference work.
What if Romeo had gone to the wrong balcony?
Backspace (n.) - the most used key on the
Follow slobs at large Ron & Jeff as they
struggle to come to terms with life, religion,
charity and daytime television.
How did your desk get that messy?
The entire history of human civilisation - warts
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five years of Toxic Custard, in all their pre-Web
plain text glory!
||Just about every
Due to unavoidable and
reasonably embarrassing circumstances, RADIO
CUSTARD is off the air while some vital
equipment is repaired... Only the service department at
Billy Guyatt's knows how long it will take. But you can
listen to previous weeks' broadcasts.
Diary - Fri 21st March
With the accommodation and hardware situation not
resolved at work, I've been working at home most of this
week. Haven't done this since last year when I
sprained my ankle. It's got its bad and good points.
- Less interaction with my fellow deskless
sufferers and others. It's probable that if I
were locked in a room with a computer and no
means of real time communication for the rest of
my working life, I would go stark raving mad. But
there's always the email and phone.
- No hot chocolate from the bistro. Okay, it's a
good way to blow $1.20 in a hurry, but to miss
out on regular chocolate drinks is wrong.
- Have to fit in with the surrounding family chaos.
Even a door can only block out so much noise.
- It's costing me extra in electricity and net
connection fees! And a 14.4Kbps modem seems just
a tad pathetic compared to your average corporate
"our staff can surf at any cost"
- Can dress any way I want. Hey, if I want to sit
at the computer in my underwear, I can. (Not that
I do, but I could if I wanted to.)
- Can work any hours I want. As it happens, I've
been working reasonably "normal" hours.
I haven't yet got into the habit of waking up
late, working until past midnight. I can have
long lunches, read the paper, watch some TV...
- No commuting. Saves me about an hour a day, and
it'd save me money too, if I hadn't just bought
that monthly ticket.
- If you're facing a deadline and being grilled by
your boss over the phone, you can use all those
excuses that off-site graphic designers always
seem to use (not that I would, of
off-site graphic designers use...
|What they say
||What they mean
|there was a power
||I haven't done it yet
|my hard disk crashed
||I haven't done it yet
|I'll email it to you
first thing tomorrow morning
||I'll email it to you
some time tomorrow afternoon
|I'll email it to you
before close of business
||That's my close of
business - around 4am.
|I'm working on a number
of things right now
||You're the lowest
- I can swear as much as I want when I make a
- I can safely go into one of my "thinking
sessions" without members of senior
management walking past and thinking I'm not
doing any work.
- It's not a ten minute walk to the Coke supply.
Might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully
they'll have got us all desks and PCs by... well,
hopefully sometime this century.
For more from
Daniel's diary, see the Diary
of an Average Australian.
TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA
Scott McLellan wrote: Why is
there such a big controversy over hunting ducks? We
do it in the states all the time and there's only a
few people who complain.
Every year at about this time in Victoria the Men With
Big Guns get government approval to go into the wetlands
and blow the crap out of some ducks who are quite
innocently flying around.
The Animal Rights Activists turn up too, to confront
the Men With Big Guns and generally cause a fuss and get
on the TV news. The activists take the position, which
has some merit, that the ducks themselves would prefer to
just fly around, and not have the crap blown out of them
by the Men With Big Guns. Which seems fair enough to me.
The other thing the Animal Rights Activists do is to
collect some of the shot birds that are plainly not ducks
- swans, for example. I'm not sure how on earth the Men
With Big Guns can confuse a duck with a swan, but most
years a few of them manage it.
Maybe the solution is for someone to engineer robot
ducks, that don't mind having the crap blown out of them.
But the Men With Big Guns wouldn't think it was so much
fun, so it probably wouldn't work.
This year, most of the ducks have actually flown to
other states (where duck shooting is not allowed). Maybe
someone explained the different laws to them. With a bit
of luck the Men With Big Guns and the Animal Rights
Activists will all go home and take up gardening or
ballroom dancing instead.
To ask your
question about Australia and read the question archive,
see the Toxic Custard Guide To