There's nothing like going to the theater to watch a movie. The dark mystery. Comfortable seats (if you're at the AMC), smell of butter popcorn, and nice warm body next to you...nothing in the world. Well, except if that movie is Titanic. The whole Titanic theater experience sucks. Everyone is crying because they're fools. So, what better way than to experience Titanic than on video? I say either get it on video or don't get it at all. If this doesn't convince you, nothing will.
* You can rewind it and watch Jack die over and over.
* You can pause still where the guy hits the propeller and cheer!
* No one will curse at you when you cheer at Jack’s death.
* It comes on two tapes. You can record other shows on the first tape since the first 2 hours of the movie are pointless anyway.
* Deface the box.
* You can find out if they guy that hit the propeller actually had a name…hmmm…NO! NO! See! That’s their scam! That made me actually want to watch Titanic!
* Fast forward over the Kate WinSLUT nude scene.
* When the Celine Dion song comes on you can hit mute.
* Hell, you can hit mute the entire movie and make up your own script. It will be better than the original one.
* You can get drunk while you watch it on video therefore making it more interesting.
* You can get the full effect of ever single inaccuracy in the movie.
* Get two VCR’s and watch Waterworld and Titanic simultaneously. Note vast similarities.
* Cut and edit your Titanic tape to make one of the best and most hilarious movies yet!
* Splice your Titanic tape with B-grade pornos. See if anyone notices the difference.
* Invite your significant other over and pop in Titanic. It is so boring and long you’ll have extended make-out time.
* Play a bastardized version of the Star Wars Drinking Game with Titanic. That must have been a vision from God. I think I shall make one.
* Just be as obnoxious as hell and boo the movie without anyone to shun you.
* Invite over other people who hate Titanic and bash it.
* Invite over people who love Titanic and bash it.
* Stand on your head while you watch it and gain a whole new perspective.
* Mess with the tint on your TV until Jack and Rose are a nice shade of purple.
* Pretend it is one huge Greenpeace infommercial on conditions in the Arctic.
* Try to find a good soundtrack for the movie (i.e. Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon for The Wizard of Oz). I recommend anything other than the original.
* Watch it about 1,000 times a gloat that you're ripping James Cameron off by not paying $7.50 each time.
* It makes a nifty coaster for your beer.
* The box is also a swell Frisbee for your dog.
* The tape is amazingly like a clay pigeon and can be hurled very far in the air with amazing results when struck by a round of shells. Coincidence? I think not.
© 1998 Jennifer