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"Not a Virus!"

Discovered by Jason Roth

Subject: Not a Virus!

This e-mail does not contain a virus. At this very moment, a virus is not infesting your hard drive. Absolutely no files on your computer are being deleted, one after another.

This is not one of those new viruses which can spread without the use of attachments. If this were such a virus, most of your documents and applications would already be destroyed.

At no time will pornographic images be sent to your friends, family, and coworkers in your name. Files containing the words "diary", "journal", and "personal" have not been posted to all newsgroups and sent to all mailing lists.

A copy of your resume, with the word "experience" replaced by the words "fuck you and the horse you rode in on", has not been sent to all companies that compete with the company for which you now work.

The virus contained in this e-mail, if it existed (which it doesn't), is not ruining your chances of finding new employment by deleting all records of your social security number, medical information, and government data. You will not be a complete non-person.

The virus not contained in this e-mail is not capable of evolutionary behavior, such as writing into its own program code your name, your computer's unique IP address, and that special nickname only you and your intimate partner are aware of (had it not been for the hidden microphones not placed under your bed). The authorities will not have every reason to believe that you created this virus and you will not be spending the rest of your life in prison.

This non-virus will not be contacting hospitals via the Internet and identifying all of your relatives connected to life support. No electricity will be shut off in those hospitals, and none of your relatives will die due to hospital personnel not being not aware of a power failure due to their not not being sent false data from this non-virus, which has no such ability to do so.

Falsified proof of your previous knowledge of this virus, had this e-mail actually been a virus, and your complete awareness of the danger of opening this e-mail, will not be sent to the parents of all the children who will not be killed when the networked computer chips of the world's school bus engines simultaneously do not cause fatal accidents all over the world's highways.

Your finger prints, not optically scanned from the keyboard on which you are typing, will not be teleported via quantum-mechanical technology to the world's nuclear missile launch facilities and will not be replicated on launch buttons. No nuclear missiles will be launched, and no complete annihilation of the planet will take place.

This e-mail was simply sent to you as a courtesy from a reader of to let you know that everything is fine.

Have a nice day.

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