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STEVE'S RETIRED USELESS WWW PAGES
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Part IX: Starship Uselessness
- Potato-Lantern
Another Halloween, another great site from those wacky folks
at Zug.
- Suicide Poll
Insert your own Sanford Wallace joke here, please.
- Virtual Snipe Hunt
I've given money to the Save the Snipe people.
- Viva La Pine Tree
A step or two worse than "treehugging."
- The Weather Channel's Music
They'd get much better ratings if they used Smashing Pumpkins
and Nine Inch Nails.
- Words made out of Abe's name in The Simpson
Including "Xerox," "Velcro," and "Lunch Bucket."
- All of Nora's Babysitters
In about 10 or 15 years I expect to see an "All of Nora's Analysts" page.
- Carbonite Freezing Chamber
Ooh, someone learned the "Emboss" command in Photoshop!
- Clog Poll
Remember, these links I present to you are for entertainment value only - no messing other people's polls with fake answers!
- Ella the Cyber Psychic Dog
Several million bonus points for the annoying juke box border.
- Emergency Internet Broadcast System
I mostly put this one in to prove that I DO link to Geocities sites.
- Five Lifestyles of Man
Not really that useless, but I haven't made a Firesign Theater reference in MONTHS.
- Pictures of Faisal
The best example yet of why you should browse the Web
with images turned off.
- Who's the Bitch?
No, it's not a wacky new sitcom with Delta Burke.
- Internet World's Largest Waste of Space
Actually, Geocities itself takes that honor.
- Joseph Enterprises
Offical home of the Chia Pet AND the Clapper! Is this a great time to be alive or what?
- Kitty Litter Page
Tastes like chicken!
- Art Institute of Boston
Why is it the folks who supposedly know most about design always make the most butt-ugly pages?
- www.mofo.com
Submitted by my co-worker Parker, who was trolling for funny domain names rather than repairing computers like he was supposed to be doing.
- What Do Cowboys Do All Day?
When you think about it, this is actually much less psychotic than most children's books.
- Subjective Quiz
I managed to get all the questions wrong.
- Stuartizer
Yet another argument in favor of using Lynx.
- Spot the Fascist Dictator
There's either a bug on this site, or I'm wrong and Mr. Rogers is
NOT a fascist dictator.
- Spud's Travels
Hey, Spud, if you're ever in the Bay Area, look me up and I'll get you a vodka martini.
- Poot Poot
Hey! Someone discovered a good use for Frames!
- Domains still available
Hot damn! I'm registering "Turgid.com"!
- Cap'n Crunch's Stupid Statements
I know Cap'n Crunch.
Cap'n Crunch is a friend of mine. And you are no Cap'n Crunch.
- Cat Whisker Collecting
I'll trade you two Mittens for one Snowball!
- Famous Haircuts
Odd. They're neither famous nor are they haircuts.
- Names for Testes
I wouldn't know, Mr. T ate mine.
- Random Numbers
Click on this just before going to lunch.
- Starship Titantic: The Novel
Mostly harmless.
- Study of Shoe Sizes
What does that make Imelda Marcos? But wait! these
folks claim to have done this first, as if that's something to brag
about!
- World's Largest Lutefisk
This was submitted to go under the food page, but of course Lutefisk is NOT food.
- Things sold in vending machines
I want a vending machine that sells vending machines!
- Toilets.nyc.com
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere...
- Search Engine Games
I guess they ARE experienced!
- Operating Systems that Suck
I put this here since the Geek Site of the Day is no more.
- Guess the Computer
I am using a VIC-20 just like that right now!
- I have a piece of Danny Bonaduce
I wonder if they ever saw "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert".
- Get a Date with Cindy Crawford
With just a few modifications it will also work on Marv Albert.
- ACSI Abuse Violations
Quiz time. Finish the sentence - This page proves "Zero" is:
A) The number of people kicked off ACSI for spamming.
B) The interest ACSI shows in stopping Internet abuse.
C) A pretty good description of your average ACSI customer.
D) All of the above.
- Casey's Head
How many times a day do YOU, oh faithful reader of The Useless
Pages, use the phrase "Spinning dog head"?
- Pallava Socks and Incense
If you're selling one, it's not a good idea to sell the other.
- Shutups
Since we've been mentioned in The New Yorker, I thought I should
highlight a page of droll, sophisticated cartoons.
- Sporkitsu
Almost as much fun a gymkata!
- Stupid Hairstyles
I may need to start a "Uselessness of Hair" page, if only to
justify my lack of it.
- Worst Quilt in the World
I didn't know Joel Schumacher made quilts!
- Banner Modem Tester
Looks like another banner year...
- Diary of Mr. Gall's Class
I am NOT picking on second graders here. I am highlighting the
fact that I am overjoyed to finally find someone who spells worse
than I do.
- Linux Penguins
I would love to see them get in a fight with BSD Demons.
- One Word Poetry
The odd thing is most of the words I can think to describe this aren't approved by Senator Exon.
- The Belching Page
It's a gas, gas gas!
- NOIC
*Sigh* When will they learn? For bonus points, you'll never guess in a million, zillion years who hosts them! ACSI!
- Nuke of the Week
I vote for New Jersey.
- Vice Grip page
I personally know the guy who made this page, so I can guess what
he DOES with those vice grips!
- Virtual Pet Funeral
I swore I would not pick something just because of a Shockwave applet -
that would be too easy - but this one can be an exception.
- Worst dressed cartoons
Of course I usually dress like Shaggy so I shouldn't talk.
- You Are Stupid
I know you are but what am I?
- Starcraft CWAL Archives
Is there such a thing as a geek who DOESN'T have too much free time?
- Shop At Bob's
Ah, proof that commerce on the Internet really works.
- Rob Liefeld Criticism
The unspoken funny part of this is the creator of this page STILL spends money on this crap!
- Pron four Ewe
I'd love to see what "Net Nanny" makes of THIS.
- Lesbiots
I confess, this page got me excited.
- Diane Witt Home Page
For once I'm proud to be follicly-challenged!
- Books Dave has Read
Yeah, I've featured pages like this before. And if I see another,
I'll feature it, too.
- Ate My Balls Screen Saver
I'm not sure which is sadder, the fact that someone
made this or the fact they actually think they'll make
money with it.
- Chicks Suck
Some people will never get a clue. This guy doesn't
WANT to get a clue.
- DNA-o-gram
Warning! Using this site outside the U.S. is considered a munitions.
- Potties of Disneyland
Are the potties in Cinderella's Castle a royal flush?
- Thewology
If I weren't the nice guy I am, I'd call him a cking hole.
- Works Well Together
Puts a whole new meaning to the phrase "lord of the flies."
- Useless Site of the Week
That's the trouble with these copycats - no stamina!
- Send Astrid Money
This is the first "send me a buck" pages I've been tempted to send money to. Unfortunately, he(?)'s in Brazil, so I'm not going to.
- My Adventures
I think this is a fascinating tale. Of course, I have been drinking
heavily.
- Answers from the Cologne Guy
If there's a site out there more snobby than this one, I've yet to see it.
- Best 404's
This isn't the first 404 collection I've seen, but it's definately
the most serious.
- Butt On Head
I'm just wondering how he can levitate like that!
- Commons Tray Registry
I've used this pun before and I'll use it again without
shame: This site - tray chic!
- Gandalf's This Page has Moved
Hey, I think I've seen this somewhere before!
- Jimbo's Clean Laundry Pile
What kind of loser would put a list of his T-shirts on the Net? Oh, nevermind...
- Page of Controversy
Hey! It's just like Usenet!
- Pycckuu
Gesundheit.
- Shiver Me Chickens
I put it on the list for the name alone if nothing else.
- The Belch Page
It's a gas, gas, gas!
- Official Radiohead Site
I'm a fan of Radiohead, but whoever made this site is a creep, is a weirdo...
- Send a message to dev/null
Isn't he that guy on The Site?
- That Wacky Millennium
Me? I'm gonna party like it's 1999.
- Useless and Unwanted Magical Items
I'll try and work the phrase "Manna from Hell" somewhere here.
- World's Strongest Morons
Actually it's not much any more useless than the site it parodies.
- What Evan Could See on March 19th, 1998.
What? No real time update?
- Model Horse Photo Show
I can see having model horses. I can see having horse shows. I can even see having model shows. But this is where I draw the line!
- National Pastime Consultants
Folks who took "Take me out to the ballgame" a bit too literally.
- The Nothing Page
I do the satire, he does the Satre.
- Juno Link License
I got your rule number four right here, buddy!
- High-Five
You see? Jock sites are as stupid as geek sites!
- Alladin's Lamp
This site rubs me the wrong way.
- Celebrity Decapitation
Anyone got a good .gif of Kenneth Starr they can send this guy?
See Steve's ninth 100 retired pages
or Steve's eleventh 100 retired pages
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