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Feeding Your Guilt
  (religion and morality)
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by Aaron Kendall

Are you the head of a major charity? And have you experienced the difficulty in raising money? Yes, it just seems that you can't get enough people to feel guilty nowadays for being successful and having money to spend on their own selfish desires. Isn't it enough for you to long for the days of the Dark Ages, when charity wasn't an option but a requirement?

Well, consider your problem solved with the new Rent-A-Retard service. Our professional retards have been trained thoroughly in the art of begging and asking for money, using their most pathetic expressions to draw the money out of the pockets of those more fortunate. In fact, Handicapped Professional Magazine rated our retards as the most successful service-oriented employee body for the new millennium, even above the average employee body of a McDonald's. Paid on an hourly basis, our brain-challenged, thought-impaired employees are deployed by you into the streets, where they will gather hordes of money in the name of your company.

Right now, we expect you're thinking: "That's a great idea - but can we really rely on these retards to bring us the cash that they've gathered from the guilt-ridden masses?"

Say no more, my friend. We can guarantee your success by using our new Pavlov-Sade Method, in which we beat your charity's name and address into the retard. In addition, by applying electric shock, we will guarantee that upon encountering each person, the retard will plead "Please give money to this charity or my death will be your fault." If the retard does not retrieve finances from the victim, then we will be sure to replace that retard with one that operates successfully, all at no extra cost to you. In fact, you are allowed to pick your first retard from our well-stocked catalogue.

Here are just a few samples:

We hope that when you're thinking about ways to improve your charity, Rent-A-Retard will come to mind. Good night, and God bless.

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