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Page 1

Subhead - July 2000

by Jason Roth

  • (Associated Press, June 8, 2000)

    EPA To Ban Common Pesticide

    Disappointed gardeners no longer permitted to use 44 Magnums against environmentalists.

  • (Reuters, June 7, 2000)

    Laser Shoots Down Rocket for First Time

    Liberals won't stop laughing at SDI until a missile is shot down from literally above their own heads.

  • (Associated Press, June 12, 2000)

    Los Alamos Nuclear Secrets Missing

    Situation tense as President Clinton considers replacement housewarming gift for his next meeting with new Russian president Vladimir Putin.

  • (Associated Press, June 13, 2000)

    Man Charged in Barrel Deaths

    Burial at sea proved disappointing when barrels failed to sink, barrel friend lamented.

  • (Associated Press, June 14, 2000)

    Koreas Pledge To Talk Reunification

    In what is being referred to as the "Sloppy Seconds" foreign policy, President Kim Dae-Jung of South Korea is looking forward to "suffering the consequences of Communism without actually having to institute Communism". Dae-Jung's supporters claim that the plan will be "just as good as the reunification of abused wives with their abusive ex-husbands".

  • (Reuters, June 14, 2000)

    Retired U.S. Officer Charged With Spying for USSR

    Unfortunately for him, he did his spying in the days before the offering of national security secrets to U.S. enemies was officially endorsed by the president of the United States.

  • (Reuters, June 15, 2000)

    Gates Tops List of World's Billionaires

    Gates says he's sorry and "it won't happen again".

  • (New York Times, June 19, 2000)

    North Korea Accuses U.S. of Raising the Danger of War

    U.S. President Clinton swiftly and bravely counters verbal assault by immediately easing trade sanctions against the tyrannical nation.

  • (Reuters, June 20, 2000)

    Riot Erupts in L.A. After Lakers Win NBA Title

    "Obviously, they needed to express themselves," Reverend Al Sharpton commented, "God damned crackers have to get used that. It's no different than the Rodney King riots or us talking at the movies."

  • (Boston Globe, June 21, 2000)

    Senate OK's expansion of hate laws

    Ronald Waters, the black man who was the victim of last Thursday's mugging/sodomy perpetrated by his own brother, commented, "I just wish my brother was white so I could take advantage of the hate laws. I'll have to stick with plan B, which is to take up male fellatio and exploit the anti-gay angle."

  • (CNN, June 28, 2000)

    Supreme Court strikes down controversial Nebraska abortion law

    Decides concept of "partial birth" abortion is no different than "partial pregnancy".

  • (Reuters, June 28, 2000)

    Supreme Court Allows Elian to Go Back to Cuba

    The Court cites two important precedents: "U.S. South allows blacks to pick cotton" and "Third Reich allows Jews to enter gas chambers."

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