1 - In the Beginning...

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Most psychologists would probably have a field day over this, if they were aware that such a thing as a sneeze fetish actually exists. It is different, exciting, and decidedly bizarre. Before coming onto the Internet, I never even knew I wasn't the only people on God's green earth to be fascinated by sneezing. Let's just say that to find others with this strange and wonderful condition was something akin to a revelation. I do not for one moment think that having this fetish is a bad thing; quite the opposite! It's something that, as far as I know, I developed in early childhood and something I will probably carry with me to my grave. Just like my love of chocolate and appreciation for St-Bernards.

Writing this, I'm trying to think back to where this fetish actually began. This is actually quite embarrassing to think about, really - there are so many possibilities, and so many things of which I now feel ashamed of, looking back. I DO know that my first love of sneezing came from the Smurfs. I doubt anyone else ever looked twice at a little blue sneezing midget (aptly named "Allergic Smurf), but I remember seeing him in a few episodes of my then-favourite cartoon (I must have been what, all of four or five years old) and thinking he was the best Smurf ever. I remember how he had a huge scarf around his neck to distinguish him from all the other identical Smurfs, and how he had a perpetual cold that kept him sneezing every five seconds throughout every episode where he appeared, to the point of preventing him from talking when things got dangerous.

"Papa... Achoo! Papa Smurf, there's... Achoo! Achoo! There's... Achoo! Gargamel... Achoo! Behind... Achoo! Achoo! Behind you! Achoo!"

Poor Allergic Smurf. Life was so hard for him. I loved every bit of his misery. And I mean every bit. I remember wondering why they didn't feature him in every episode; he was the most interesting of the lot! Why didn't every single kid out there agree with me, I wonder?

Then, there was that scene in Disney's Alice in Wonderland - the one where Alice is trapped inside White Rabbit's house and has her nose tickled by smoke. I remember sitting entranced in front of the television set, watching that scene over and over and over again. My parents must have wondered why the 'rewind' button on their remote control was getting so used up so fast. I cringe in embarrassment now to think of them in the next room, wondering why on earth their kid kept on playing a scene with Alice sneezing in it at top volume over and over again. Hopefully, they'll never read this!

There were others of course, but Alice and Allergic Smurf, I think, are the main protagonists in this budding fetish. Let's not mention one-time episodes of cartoons where characters had colds, got their noses tickled or had allergies. They were all fascinating to me and I remember sitting in front of the television on Saturday mornings praying for reruns with those episodes just so I could watch those fascinating sneezes again. Man, was I a weird kid or what?

I wonder if any other sneeze fetishists out there did such embarrassing things with their budding fetish as I did. I really, really hope my parents don't remember what I put them through with my obsession when I was such a young child. Like most children, I used to like bedtime stories. Like most children, I suggested stories for my ever obliging parents to tell me. What were my favourite stories like? I think you can easily guess.

"Daddy, tell me a story about Allergic Smurf. Tell me a story where he meets Alice in Wonderland and is reeeeeeally allergic to her! Please daddy?"

I remember my father would always groan, roll his eyes, laugh and agree. And the magic would begin: he'd sit on the side of my bed and tell me sneeze-filled stories which I, of course, absolutely adored. I really do find this excruciatingly embarrassing now, and I think if my dad DID bring up this strange chapter in my life, I would probably run out of the house, slam the door and sink into a big hole somewhere, never to emerge.

I didn't quite find these stories sexually exciting at that age. Or maybe I did. To tell the truth, I don't quite remember. What I DO remember, however, is that as I grew older, I kept on watching out for sneezes on television shows. If I happened to see one, I would rush over to where the blank cassettes in our house lay and whip one out for the express purpose of taping the sneezes. Most of the time, I was too late. Sometimes though, I was lucky and caught the tail end of a show or segment where sneezes appeared. I'd then play them over and over, not understanding exactly what it was about it that appealed to me so much about it, but knowing I grew more and more excited. And it felt sort of good, down there, to be watching these things.

Please understand: I was quite young. I really didn't understand that I was feeling the first inklings of encroaching sexual arousal. Still innocent, I had no idea that sneezing was actually getting me completely, amazingly and unabashedly hot.