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blogchalk: Andi/Female/21-25. Lives in United States/Los Angeles/North Hollywood and speaks German and English. Spends ~60% of daytime online. Uses a Faster (1M+) connection.

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[wise quote of the week]

"Education's purpose is to replacean empty mind with an open one."
(Malcolm S. Forbes)
January 24, 2003
This is my last entry...

...I love you, guys. I really do. But now the time has come, I am saying my farewells. Take care, it has been great with all of you, but now I have to leave you all.

Love forever,
Q... no wait... I think I have been reading too much of Ke-Ri's Domain today, the extraordinarily funny-in-a-pathetic-way blog, that I have already been talking about sometime earlier here. Remember? There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are "with it" and those who don't? Well, apparently the 80ties-hairstyle-star of Ke-Ri's Domain has gone missing now, accompanied with a letter from her "Dad", crying out for help finding her. The question is still imminent, whether or not this blog is real, but either way it has been tremendously funny to follow it, in a I'm-glad-my-life-is-not-this-screwed-up way. To me, this blog is as fake as can be, especially since, as Ty so sharply pointed out, the "Dad" has pretty much an identical writing style to "Ke-Ri". Wheter or not this joke is actually funny certainly lies in the eyes of the beholder.

I think it is.

NOT fake is the fact that I am saying my farewells for a while. For a week, to be exact. I'll be going to here:

Gastein, Salzburg

which is here:


I haven't been skiing for more than one occasional day per winter since... uh... 1999? This is my b-day present from my parents, how damn cool is that? :)

I'll be going with my parents of course, but also with 14 other people including Little T and Little S, which makes 17 all in all. :) They are my parents' friends but at the same time also mine, which is admittedly a rather weird thing when you think about it, but cool nonetheless.

So I've been walking around the obligatory 10 minutes in my skiing boots at home today, to determine whether or not they still fit me, and tested my ski-bunny hairstyle with the new shoulder long hair (looking cute as ever), got pissed off as hell because I realized I forgot my shades in L.A. (and will now have to ski with my ugly as butt skiing goggles), and tried to pack all my necessities into one rather smallish bag, since we won't be able to get to our hotel by car, but by ski lift, so we'll have to carry all our stuff in as small of a bag as possible.

Also, this year I won't bring my own skis for the first time ever, but rent a pair of carving skis, which should prove an interesting experience, meant to enhance my already godly style of skiing even more. *grins*. Plus, since my room-mate is a passionate snowboarder, I have decided for this year to take snowboard lessons from a pro too, and rent a snowboard for a day or two.

If anyone of you, my dear readers, would like to receive a personal regular mail post card from me relaxing and frolicking in the Alpes, email me with your address before tomorrow morning MY time, and I'll see what I can do. ;)

Other than that, take care, miss me, even though I won't miss you (the online world, that is), and wish me luck that I won't break my leg (or anything else for that matter), for I am not even insured in Austria anymore.

SCHI HEIL (as we say before starting a skiing day), and read you all next week. :)

Brainfart released at 08:06 PM | Comments [1]

Jax, my brother.

At least he was, in my last night's dream.

So imagine a smoky dark Bladerunner-like scenery, and Jax and me as siblings, sharing a small appartment/room somewhere. One night, we just came home from somewhere late at night, we opened the door to this appartment/room, dead tired already as it is. The light wasn't working (I hate dreams where you can flip the light switch as often and as fiercly as you want with no effect), and suddenly the floor flashed up in a bright light, and when it ceased, we could see 2 bright images on the floor, as if made by neon-shining lasers. One of which was a skull, the other a light bulb (lol). We could not figure out from where this light was coming from, there were no light beams or anything like that, the signs were just there, coming from nowhere, silently trying to give us some kind of message that we couldn't understand. Even though it probally doesn't sound like it, this was really spooky.

The same scenary happened the following nights, until we got more and more creeped out. Suddenly, in a flash of understanding, Jax somehow saw the connection between those 2 shining signs on the floor, and a very old and faded tattoo he was having on his arm, which I had never seen before. the tattoo was like a birthmark, Jax knew he had it ever since he can remember, but had no clue who had given it to him, or why, and what it meant. He pulled up his sleeve to show me. It looked like a calendar (like your regular Moveable Type calendar that comes along with standard blogs), the only day marked being Sep 29, 1973, and a bunch of Chinese letters in the middle.

Excitedly, I grabbed Jax's arm in a sudden rush of understanding, exclaiming that this was the birthday of The Great One (- and old handle that Hunny used to go by in the old days... his bday is in reality on May 29), this "incredible man I am now dating online, I am sure you have heard of him, haven't you" (that's what I said to Jax, lol).

Jax raised his eyebrow, wondering on why in the world he would have The Great One's birthday tattooed on his arm since he was a baby, and what it all meant, when we suddenly heard a movement somewhere in the corner of the appartment/room, behind the bed. I jumped towards the door, blocking it, and Jax rushed behind the bed to see who the hell was spying on us, to find a small-ish scared middle-aged Chinese man, who barely spoke any english (or german, dunno what language I was dreaming in), jump up and trying to flee through the door, but with no success, cause I was blocking it successfully.

We eventually managed to calm him down and get him to stop shivering and trembling and stuttering words that made no sense to us. He sat down on the bed, flanked by Jax and me, and we finally got him to tell us that he was a messenger from The Great One, on his mission to let us know that something terrible was going to happen, and that we needed to do something to avert this fate to humankind.

My dream messenger wasn't exactly sure on what it was, but you know how in dreams you sometimes communicate through feelings? Well, after the messenger finished with his cryptic message, I suddenly somehow felt/knew that The Great One was in actuality God (amazing, how I managed to start an online romance with God, over ICQ), planning on revenge for humankind's cruelties, but that Jax and I were somehow special, somehow had the powers to save humankind by doing good. I was special of course, being God's girlfriend, and Jax was special having this weird old faded calendar/chinese/God's birthday tattoo on his arm, which identified him as an arch angel of The Great One.

Unfortunately, I woke up before Jax and I could do any good deeds to humankind in the name of The Great One, but shite, I sometimes enjoy my nightly adventures. *LMAO*

Brainfart released at 10:46 AM | Comments [3]

January 23, 2003
I shouldn't even blog this...

I think being drunk is only reasonably fun when you reach the point of oblivion where you are not AWARE anymore that you are making a fool out of yourself, a grace that has been denied to me last night.

I feel horrible. :(

Brainfart released at 12:06 AM | Comments [3]

January 21, 2003

OH MY! Ren, where do you find all that stuff all the time??? *giggles*

Read in Moron.

Read in Redneck.

CUTE! :)

Brainfart released at 08:03 PM | Comments [3]

Babies Babies Babies...

Yesterday we went swimming. Well, kind of. I couldn't get myself to do my usual 50 lengths and only managed 10, because Little T was there too, and that other little 2 year old girl, Little S, and that was too much cute distraction than was good for my sportive intentions.

I have been entrusted by Yv to take Little T into the kiddie pool with me, since he absolutely loves kicking and splashing in the water.

Oh. My. God. That was about the CUTEST thing I have ever seen/done in my whole life. Taking him under the shower with me, to get him wet before dipping him into the pool water, which seemed to be ultimate bliss for the little one. And the bliss even continued when he was in the pool. I held his tiny little head cupped in my palm above the water, and let the rest of his teeny weeny chubby body float around freely, and that sent him kicking and giggling and squeaking, his baby blue eyes sparkling up at me, and the jumps and flips of my heart came back with a vengeance.

He couldn't do much more than 15-20 minutes though, before all the fun ceased and he got cold or hungry or something and started to cry. So I went to play with Little S and her mom instead in the adult pool. We played tickle monster and catch me, and we tossed her around, and she was giggling and laughing and swam back and forth between her mom and me, which was amazing per se, because usually kids avoid getting near me voluntarily like the plague.

I dunno, maybe that's just an old perception of mine, from when I was still way too insecure with babies and children to handle them properly. They surely felt those odd vibes coming from me, hence avoiding me or starting to cry. I don't think I am still insecure and clumsy with babies anymore, so the vibes I am now giving are probally way calmer, making babies and children feel more comfortable around me. :)

All this being around babies lately makes me completely gaga. And I am sure it won't get any better spending a whole week with them next week on the skiing vacation.

And then I had another incident involving electricity. No smoke alarm this time, but Mom's toaster, which, the second I plugged it in, exploded with a bang that almost gave my poor little birdies a heart attack. And me too. I shrieked and jerked back, from the bang as well as the sparks flying, and the fact that I was leaning right above it to get to the plug, so that thing was blowing up right underneath me, made the shock only worse. Well, it wasn't the toaster per se that exploded, but the cable. The circuits in the kitchen broke down and it got dark, and my parents came running to see if I was lifelessy jerking around on the floor.

After I recovered from the shock, Dad examined the bloody thing and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my fault, but the cable's. That's at least something. Heh.

And since this thing from Ren's blog seems to be making its rounds now, I'll do it too, what the heck.

Quantum Unit Intended for Repair and Assassination

Brainfart released at 09:08 AM | Comments [1]

January 20, 2003

Applying a french manicure to one's own nails is easier than I thought it would be, even though I am pretty retarded when it comes to doing my nails. :)

I love it. Very subtle, yet visibly elegant and sophisticated. I don't think I'll ever do anything else with my nails ever again.

Had to share this little tidbit with you, in lack of anything else to talk about, even though I doubt you'll enjoy it as much as I do. Heh.

Brainfart released at 01:25 PM | Comment?

Elaborating on yesterday's blog topic some more..

In my TN's undying and henceforth classic words:

"In the first 3 years they are boring as hell, cause you can't do anything with them and they just scream and shit all over themselves. And then they get all annoying, cause all they do is running around like lunatics and are always after you, cause they always want SOMEthing from you. Then they are nice for about 2 years, but then puberty hits them right in the face, and they become plainly UNBEARABLE, until they are at least 18, or even 20. So why the hell even bother with them?"

I guess that settles the matter for me. *falls over laughing*

Speaking of TN...

You truly know that you are best friends, when you bury your first corpse together at 3am at night, in a dark forest.


Actually, this shot shows TN (in the sexy rain gear on the left) and me (in the sexy rain gear on the right) about 1 and a half years ago, during our one-week field trip that dealt with estimating the local mice population in a certain part of the forest that was reserved for that kinda studenty stuff.

It was one of the last things I did during my biology study, one last twitch of nerve in an already dead body. But it was fun anyway. One of the most interesting weeks of my life, to say the least. During the 3 days and 3 nights our group had to venture out into the forest, we measured 2 area of 100 m2 each, and set out traps every 10 meters. We baited them each time we went out there. We counted the trees in those 2 areas and measured their circumferences, drawing a rough map of the area, including the texture of the forest floor and the distribution of loose lumber and the height of the plants. We slept for 2 hours every 6 hours, cause we had to check the traps regularly and frequently, to make sure that no mouse was dying in there of shock or something like that, which meant walking 2 km back and forth from our rooms into the forest 4 times a day.

It was like... walking... checking traps... freeing mice (marking them first of course to recognize any double-catches)... baiting traps again... walking back... 2 hours lecture or dinner or breakfast or working on our statistics (depending on the time of the day)... 2 hours sleep... walking back to the forest... repeat. And this for 3 days without a break.

Needless to say, after 2 days with barely any sleep, steady and constant rain, and all walking and all physical and mental work, the aggression level within our group was peaking, and I even got into endless fights with TN after a while.

Anyway... TN showed me the pictures of this week today... and the pics of another weekend seminar we went to, which happened about 3 years ago, when I was still all determined to become a master of the biological sciences, and turn into some kind of female version of Jeff Corwin or the Crocodile Hunter one day. Somehow I NEVER saw these pictures before in my life, and looking at them made me go all melancholy. *sniff*

I will scan them all in hopefully tomorrow and put them in my photo album, for those who are interested in my dark past as zoologist. :)

Brainfart released at 02:39 AM | Comments [1]

January 18, 2003
Baby Bliss

OK, first and foremost, I have to say the following:

I am successfully dead. Or at least it feels like it.

I don't remember when I have last been so exhausted from sports, I feel muscles aching where I didn't even knew I had muscles... and I am deathly afraid of waking up tomorrow morning with a sore body all over. I can't raise my arms higher than shoulder level at the moment, and even laughing hurts, cause it takes stomach muscles to laugh. Holy Smokes... my body isn't used to whole days spent on a fistball field anymore. o_O

But anyway, the title of this entry is "Baby Bliss", and not "I feel so sorry for myself cause I actually indulged in some sportive activity for once and now I think I am dying".

Yv brought Little T along, of course. And after 5 sets I could not play any more, because my physical condition is so messed up. And because Yv actually had to play, there was no one there to watch over the baby other than my mom, but she was busy entertaining the 2 year old daughter of another team member, so she wouldn't run into the field or something while the match was going on.

I gladly offered myself as babysitter. :)

Yv gladly accepted. :)

Only, I had to change his diapers. OH MY!

Now I have to say, 1. babies usually cry and throw a tantrum when I hold them, there have only been a few exceptions to this rule so far, 2. Little T was already pretty damn grumpy and screaming around, and 3. I have never in my life changed a baby's diapers yet, and I had no clue what to do and in which order, other than wiping away possible babypoop, and this first before all other things.

So after getting Mom as my moral support, I started to undress him. I have never undressed/dressed a baby in my whole life either. Actually, I haven't done pretty much ANYTHING with babies in my whole life yet, other than holding them and making them scream and cry.

So I worked myself through layers of clothes to reach the actual diapers, figuring out how to open them (turned out it was easy!), relieved to find them pretty much empty, saving me a lot of mess. Little T, delighted at the sudden freedom of his bare legs and other parts, was suddenly giggling and squeaking, laughing when I tickled his tummy, making me fall in love with him even more. Ever alert, ready to dodge possible sudden streams of pee (you never know, with naked baby boys, or so I heard), I was doing the cleaning and the creaming under the supervision of Mom, and then put on fresh diapers. I was a bit clumsy at first, fearing I could hurt the baby if I was too rough, but that part turned out to be surprisingly easy too. :) I dressed him again, a fact that made him quite the grump and pissyhead again, and he started to cry.

Lovely. Me and crying babies... what to do, what to do... I picked him up and was carrying him around, gently rocking him and patting him, and about 5 minutes later... he fell asleep! In my arms! A baby fell asleep in my arms! I couldn't believe it, and it was so cute, looking down on his peaceful little face all asleep, his tiny hands and fingers all curled up, wrapped in his little blanket in my arms.

MY arms!

NO crying!

Delighted and awestruck, I sat down with him on a chair, watching some of the ongoing fistball match, but being more occupied with that little bundle human sleeping peacefully in my arms. What a feeling.

At one point, he woke up again and started crying really loudly again, and I got up and walked around with him some more, and then he fell asleep again. So that makes... TWICE!!!

My heart jumped with bliss, when I looked down on him sleeping like that in my arms. Made me wonder... it's someone else's baby, and it already awoke feelings in me that were awkwardly strange and natural at the same time, making my heart do little jumps and flips in my chest just looking at all the cuteness and loveliness. How must such a thing then be like for an actual parent? To see and feel your own child peacefully sleeping in your arms? To see it looking at you out of baby blue bright little eyes, giving you a toothless little innocent grin and maybe a giggle, knowing that this child is part you and part the one you love, yet still a personality of its own, knowing that it is completely and totally dependant on you as its parent, knowing that you and the one you love have created this little human being?

It is something I can't wait to experience. One day, hopefully not too far away.

Looking at AL and Yv, I am really envious. This is a life I want, truly. Being married to someone who pursues the EXACT same goals in life, sets the same priorities. To work together to achieve those goals and follow those priorities and principles. Building a good and secure future together. Working as a team, living as a team, and eventually coming to the decision that it's time to found a family as a team.

They are happily married, they both have kick-ass jobs, they have a kick-ass appartment, they just changed their 2 little city cars into one big new family van, and now they have the cutest baby I have ever seen, and they seem even happier together now than ever before.

How soon in life do you have to start planning and working towards these things? Shit, I am 24 already and won't even be done with my education before I am 26. Then finding a job afterwards... trying to work on a smallish career of my own. Then I am bloody 30, and too old to start with this whole founding a family thing, at least in my book. And then of course all those other factors that are influencing the planning, that are so many that I don't even care to list them.

So is it even a good think to even try to plan those kinda things?

All I know is that I know what I eventually want in my life, that I feel that I am old enough and mature enough, but also that I am as far away from actually planning such things as I am from the moon, or even the sun. My life is such bloody chaos right now, but I feel it isn't supposed to be, being my age and all.

Ah whatever... I am going way too deep as is good for this time of the day. Here, have a snapshot:

Oh, and today my blog is exactly 1 year old. Happy birthday, blog.

Brainfart released at 11:53 PM | Comments [7]

January 17, 2003
New Hobby!

So I turned out to be too retarded to produce a halfways decent doll in the traditional sense, so I have fiddled around a bit with other techniques, and this is the outcome:

Brainfart released at 01:33 PM | Comments [3]

Lookie what I ordered!

Click here for ultimate geeky bliss.

I can't wait. :) That's what my b-day money is good for. :) It actually will be shipped within 1-2 work days, but I won't get it before going back to Los Angeles, because I ordered it to there. I can't believe that (Germany) (which I wanted to buy it from to have it mailed to Vienna) sells the VERY SAME STUFF for $149. Go look at the price at the above link, from I don't get it, I understand that friggen' Germany has to import all that stuff, but the reasons to increase the price by almost DOUBLE are beyond me. Go figure.

To me it doesn't matter... I will soon have more toys to play with! YAYNESS!

Brainfart released at 02:33 AM | Comments [1]

January 16, 2003
Viennese charm

I am back in Vienna alright. The "charm" and "friendly attitude" of random people in the streets is unbeatable by any other folk in the world. Viennese are the unchallenged kings and queens of grumps. I happened to come upon one such queen yesterday on my way to my aunt's and uncle's place, where I was invited for dinner.

It happened in the subway, I was carrying a bag with rather fragile eggs from my grandma for my aunt with me (don't ask), taking hella care not to bump into anyone/-thing or let anyone/-thing bump into the bag. So before I had to get out of the subway I got up and moved towards the door, maneuvering the eggs through the few people that were standing around, and had to stop next to a woman, about 35, who was sitting on a single seat. Next to her, mind you. Between myself and her were about 2 feet distance, and between her and my bag of eggs about 3 feet, cause I was holding it carefully up and away from the people. So I was about as far away from her as I could, in the narrow aisle of the subway train. I didn't even notice that woman because I was rather busy not to bump into anyone, and just when I was about to pass her by, I suddenly heard (in a voice so loud that I was sure the whole train heard it too) something that roughly translated would sound like:

"If yer hitting me with that bag, I'll smack ya in yer piehole, ye [enter extremely unmetionable and degratory expression here, that, translated, would come closest to 'stupid cunt', but is even a bit stronger than that]."

Shocked speechless at that expression said out loud in public (which is something I wouldn't say out loud or even to myself even if hell froze over, and I otherwise have no quirks about swearing), I first looked down at the woman to see what kind of person would use such a word, but her eyes were hidden beneath black shades, and she wasn't looking up at anyone in particular, just kept arrogantly staring straight ahead, not gracing the offender with as much as a gaze, so then I was looking behind me and to my side, to see who that [enter extremely unmentionable and degratory expression here] was who offended her in a way to justify such harsh words, if someone may have been standing really close to her, threatening to accidently hit her over her head with a backpack or something, or maybe brawling little boys that came a bit too close to her and she was fearing one of them would bump into her, but there was no one around me. No one standing even close to her, other than me, and not even I was remotely in a range for my bag to even touch her, even if the train would have made a sharp left turn all of a sudden, or hit the breaks really hard.

When I realized that she meant me, that I was being addressed as [enter extremely unmentionable and degratory expression here], and that by someone who looked like her IQ wouldn't exceed the one of your average cucumber by much, I was stunned speechless to a point where my jaws literally dropped, an "Ex-cuse ME?" stuck in my throat before I could mutter it, and then the train reached it's stop and I had to get out anyway.

Makes me wonder what in the world happens to people like that throughout their day, that makes them so grumpy and pissy, extremely hostile at random people in the streets who have done nothing to them and weren't even planning on doing anything to them. How shitty must your every day routine be, to end up THIS hostile towards random targets on your way home from work? To degrade random people in the streets... to make you feel better about yourself? To feel "strong" and "in charge" for once, when your day working your pathetic little white-trash-ass off for others who are in charge ends, to compensate for your own feelings of incompetence and degradation in your every day shitty-ass life?

Holy cow, I am offended.

Brainfart released at 10:22 AM | Comments [1]

January 14, 2003
Not too bad. :)

Hermann Maier just reached the goal... he's 3.34 seconds behind the leader, which would be inacceptable and pathetic, if he would be on his physical heights (where he was usually 1.5 seconds faster than the second fastest one), but since he is not, this was pretty damn remarkable. :) He made a secure race, he didn't take too many risks, and he came through, the people in the goal area going wild when they saw him. :)

Makes me proud. :) I admire people who have enough determination and ambition to try and get back to whatever they were doing before, even when all odds are working against them. I mean shit... his lower leg was pretty much dangling off his body after the crash... it is awesome how he even got himself back to this point again. :)

Brainfart released at 10:24 AM | Comment?

Random things I found out:

a) Austria is a Federation. Just like the US. Ahem. *clears throat* How embarrassing to live 24 years in a country (well, 23 and 4 months that is), and never to know what kind of a bloody governmental system we are having? I want to vanish into a hole that shall open in front of me right now.
I came across this not-so-unimportant piece of information by watching the news last night, where they talked about how they want to change/update/adapt our constitution that has remained unchanged since 80 years, or something like that. But what REALLY urks me about this discovery, is that I know a helluva lot more about the US political system than I do about my own bloody country. But since it is always easier to blame others for our own shortcomings, I want to take this opportunity to blame my high school history/polisci teacher, who couldn't keep me awake for longer than 10 minutes during his lectures. I vaguely remember him talking about our ways of doing politics, but then I was never really interested in that kinda thing, so when I didn't doze off during his lectures I rather spent that time productively writing secret little letters back and forth with my friends, who didn't give much about Austrian politics either.
Looking back, I think I was a bit too young to concern myself with such complex a matter, but it is certainly my own damn fault that I didn't correct that mistake later on. Not like I would be overly interested in politics now, but knowing more about a foreign country's system than about my own is just so... wrong.

b) Hermann Maier is back! Eh... who? Well, my dear ignorant readers, Hermann Maier was Austria's pride and joy in the world of alpine skiing... he was unbeatable, 3 times world champion and multiple gold medal winner during the winter olympics in Nagano. He was affectionately referred to as the "Herminator", and pictures of the "Herminator" and the "Terminator" Arnold Schwarzenegger together in Austria and in Hollywood were putting us glamor-deprived Austrians into a hysterical frenzy. That was, until Maier got into a terrible accident with his motor bike almost 2 years ago. They almost had to cut off his leg to save him, and, surprisingly enough, in about 10 minutes the world cup Super-G in Adelboden, Switzerland is starting, featuring Hermann Maier's glorious comeback.
Well... glorious... the media is putting so much pressure on the poor guy, expecting him to pretty much continue where he left off, which is close to impossible, considering his terrible accident. Personally, I hope he won't let the pressure and the high expectations get to him too much, and that he gets down that mountain without too much pain, or anything like that. Good luck, either way. :)

c) The Club. Good thing that I didn't let anyone convince me to go to the club on Sunday. My sis called me yesterday, turned out that it was "kiddie day" on sunday, and that they didn't even let adults in. LOL. I would have been SO pissed if I went there, and then be denied entry by the bully security guys. LOL.

d) Drew Barrymore stole my features! "Never been kissed" was on TV just now, and I have noticed something that is either true, or comes out of some kind of weird subconscious desire to see my own optical faults reflected in someone else, who is actually considered beautiful and is a famous person in the glamorous world: Drew Barrymore's facial profile looks just like mine, I think. The line of her nose to her chin forms the same ugly shape than my nose and my chin do... well, not exactly the same, but pretty damn close. Or maybe that's just my imagination. I should be beyond comparing myself to Hollywood personalities now, shouldn't I? LOL

e) Ren is on ICQ! YAY! Got her authorization request this morning. Groovy.

f) I am now a manga character too! Thanks Mert! It's so cute! :) To anyone else... this picture is copyrighted by Mertonius, so the same thing applies as with every picture that others have made for me: keep your fingers off, it belongs to someone else.

Brainfart released at 09:03 AM | Comments [2]

January 12, 2003
Birthday Blues

Enthusiasm on your birthday? Yeh, right... when you are still a teenager and can't wait to grow up. And for some reason this birthday sucks even more than usual. It's like... seems like yesterday when I was 20, an early-twen. Now I am a mid-twen. And faster than I can blink, I will be frickin' 30. And then 40. And then my life's over. The candles on my birthday cake/pie slowly start to resemble a bloody torch, rather than a bunch of candles.

But that is besides the point, actually. The point is: why do I have to feel bad that I just don't want to do anything today? Just cause it's my b-day, it seems like I am expected to go out and go wild, or something. Well, breaking news, I won't. At least not if things go my way for once.

According to Dad, I sit around at home too much, and should go out, especially on my birthday. Well, there are many reasons why I prefer to spend my time at home these days, one of which being this insane cold outside, and another the fact that I actually ENJOY staying at home, and not having to run around like a kender on crack, rushing from one friend/event/party to another.

I want to just sit here today, feel sorry for myself for various reasons (one of which being that I got a phone call from my good friend KL, not to congratulate me to my birthday, which she didn't even remember, but to bitch because her friggen car, which is also my ex-car, broke down, and we couldn't offer her any help), and read a book, or do my online thing, or whatever.

Ah yes, the presents. The good stuff about this day (aside from the yummy trout and apple pie that Mom made). That skiing vacation in Gastein that's coming up in 2 weeks turned out to be present from my parents(YAYNESS!), and Sis got me a huge-ass wall calendar that shows pictures of my very favorite artist in the world, Gustav Klimt, something I just LOVE TO PIECES and can't wait to have on a wall at home, but also something that Hunny will HATE WITH A PASSION, which is probally why it will end up hanging nowhere at home.

Got phone calls from my grandparents already, YV and AL, and just now one of my uncles called. I just love these forced conversations that take place once a year between me and my less close family members, when their phone calls trickle in over the day, to wish me a happy birthday, and then I never hear from any of them again until the next big forced family-gathering-act at the next big event, such as Christmas.

But at least they DO call me.

Jeez, how petty is it to make a fuss about how sucky my birthday is? I feel like a stupid littly hysterical teeny bopper, bitching and moaning about how the world hates me... no shit.

Brainfart released at 04:50 AM | Comments [6]

January 11, 2003

Since I've received part of my b-day money yesterday already from my grandparents, I just grabbed Mom and took her with me to the city to go shopping. :)

New stuff!!!! Heh.

I got me a book about techniques to drawing humans, the LOTR:TTT soundtrack and my own D&D; Player's Handbook. Well, it was fucking expensive (in comparison to the US), and Jax told me that a revised version would come out in July... but it's still 7 months until then, and I haven't been able to buy me ANYTHING for such a long time without feeling bad about it, that I figured what the hell... a girl's gotta spend some money on herself once in a while. And since I don't give a damn about new fancy clothes and make-up and girly crap like that, and since it's my birthday money after all... I just had to get it. :)

Now the only thing left for me to buy is one of these guys

to satisfy my artsy needs for a while. I got so frustrated today trying to draw my newest character in a crouched position, that I almost tore my sketch book apart, I just couldn't get it right, no matter how hard I tried. Bleh. One of those should greatly help, but I am not so sure yet where I can find 'em. :/

Brainfart released at 04:03 PM | Comments [6]

White splendor.

Snow. I like snow. No, I LOVE snow. And I can't remember the last time we had so much snow in Vienna. It has a good 2 feet out there, which is nothing for our countryside, but REMARKABLE for Vienna. :)

It is so bad (for Viennese terms), that today even the pay-for-parking zones (pretty much 80% of all Vienna) have been lifted, because most cars are so snowed in that they have no chance in hell of getting out of their time-limited parking spots in time without having to pay a fortune. And when they let go of SUCH a thing (losing a lucrative source of income), you can be sure that we DO have a lot of snow. Heh.

And it's so beautiful... driving is so much fun... when you can slide into curves by just jerking the steering wheel a little bit and then pulling the hand breaks... heh. When you can't see the markings on the streets because, well, you can't even see the streets, and everyone is driving slower than an old lady walking with crutches.

Everything's so peaceful... the noises are dimmed by the snow, the children are playing in the little park with the little children's toboggan(sp) hill in front of our building... the house keepers grumpily shoveling snow that just doesn't seem to get any less, no matter how hard they are laboring... the nights are brighter than usual, with the snow glowing and sparkling... I just wish Hunny could be here to share all this beauty with me. *sighs*

I hope it stays that way a bit longer... this is my season, this is when I was born, this is how it is supposed to be this time of the year. I LOVE it. It is perfect. It is beautiful.

Brainfart released at 12:33 AM | Comment?

January 10, 2003
Haven't done any of those for a while...

There you have it, officially confirmed.

Brainfart released at 07:20 AM | Comment?

If my life would have been that busy...

...before I left my home, I probally wouldn't have been so bored and hellishly frustrated with my sorry-ass life, that I felt the need to escape it. And an escape it sure was... at least partly. A new chance mostly... a new life, a new love... the once-in-a-lifetime chance to start over all anew and make it all better this time without majorly fucking up... or at least to try to. But an escape? From too many things I care count. And one of these things was this nagging feeling of boredom, of having nothing to do, no matter what I did, or tried to do.

But jeez... I get no single calm minute since I am back here, it seems. I am trying to juggle all kinds of appointments, and there are so many, that I have to do 2 or 3 all on one day... something that pretty much never happened before. Before, I was happy when I had something to do maybe once every 2 weeks, or so, at best. If at all.

So today I planned to go see my grandparents for lunch, then I got a phone call from one of my cousins, who was having the same destination today, and living in the same area as I do, he offered to pick me up and give me a ride. Saved me a 1 hour ride of the subway through the cold and the snow. We all had lunch together, and in the late afternoon, I took the subway to the complete other end of Vienna, to see TN, as per her request.

Watched Dirty Dancing together... as cheesy a movie as it might be... but there's nothing like watching it together with a girlfriend. Totally brought the teenagers within us back out again, and we were like puberting little girlies drooling over an (at that time) yummy Patrick Swayze... or more over the character of the all big and strong, good looking, yet romantic and sensible, danceable and loving Johnny Castle, in fact. And the love scene in Dirty Dancing is one of the most romantic of all times, in movies. We were hanging in front of the TV, sobbing and sighing, setting off an avalanche of girly talk about boyfriends and the likes. You know... the oestrogene kinda stuff. We topped off Dirty Dancing with Interview with a Vampire, which had us put buckets next to the couch, to catch all the drool. The girly talk ensued. It was quite the mood setter. 2 dream-archetypes of men... the all stunning looking, big and strong, sexually self-confident and demanding and experienced, yet sensible and tender and loving type of impossible guy... and the mysterious, cynical, self-confidence-radiating, criminally good looking, evilly powerful yet inwardly tormented and to-the-core-when-it-comes-down-to-it good to the heart impossible guy.

Ah, the glory that are movies. The glory that are real life men. All this drooling over impossibly perfect men led to a very painful and stinging rip-my-heart-out-of-my-chest-and-crush-it-on-the-floor-with-dirty-boots feeling of missing MY impossibly-perfect-with-minor-flaws man. 2 weeks? Yeah, right... feels like eternity already. :/

Still, I don't always want to be the one getting all sappy and emotional... well, I AM... but always being the one admitting it and trying to set the mood ain't a lot of fun either. :/

Ah, at least I know now that I haven't lost it all for men yet... got horribly hit on by some old farts, who looked like they just came from tennis practise or something, and who haven't talked to a young woman in ages... probally getting a kick out of actually getting a repsonse from one.
You see, I was standing in the biting cold, my scarf covering about half of my face, my hair doing the job for my ears, my fingers packed into gloves, reading my book in the little light of a street lamp, waiting for the tram, which was indicated to arrive in about 10 minutes. Hell, I am not standing around in this cold idly for 10 minutes, so I figured I'd get out my book despite the dark, in an attempt to distract myself from the cold chills that were running up and down my entire body. And it worked just fine, until I felt myself being stared at by these 2 farts, one of them trying to start conversation by asking me "Can you even read, in this cold".

In this cold? What kinda stupid weird question is that, anyway? Like... my eyes freezing so I can't move them along the lines anymore? What? If he would have said "Can you even read, in this dark?", I might have taking him a tad bit more seriously, and might have replied in a less snappier manner than I did. What the hell is it HIS business anyway?

So I had to listen to them elaborating on how their own eyes start to tear when they read in the cold, and how their momma told them once when they were little how bad it is for their eyes to read in the dark and shit, which just moved me to ignore them, which in turn moved them to just stare at me some more, when they realized I wasn't going to reply anymore. Thankfully, the tram came right then... unfortunately they left it at the same stop I had to. I was moving around them to get to the subway entrance, and I heard them say something about me, that I didn't quite hear... it was something about me reading that book again, and then "Well, and she has beautiful hair too!" Then they were following me to the subway entrance, and whereas I didn't feel threatened at all (Vienna is a very safe city, even late at night), I was annoyed enough to accelerate my steps in an attempt to get out of their sight... which was easier planned than done, cause the rather smooth soles on my boots coupled with the ice and snow on the ground didn't make those attempts exactly graceful ones.

Hmm... reading this great story again... it doesn't even sound as great anymore. Jeezus. Not even when I am being hit on it makes for a remotely interesting story. It kinda misses a pointe, completely. *rolls eyes*

No, actually... the pointe is that I am now a popsicle... having travelled 1 1/2 hours through the cold, instead of only 45 minutes, cause I was taking the WARMEST way home (subway) as opposed to the SHORTEST (tram), cause I didn't want to stand out on the cold street to wait for a tram to arrive, but I think in the end the effect was the same. I hope I can go back to moving my mouth normally soon, when the ice on my face is melting. GAH.

Brainfart released at 12:53 AM | Comments [1]

January 9, 2003
Sometimes understanding comes unexpected...

AL (*points at cast*) got me into talking about my stay in the USA and my experiences last night. Well, initially I was a bit reserved, just saying what I usually say when people ask me.... a little litany that I have prepared, which usually suffices for the random inquirer, who is mostly asking for no other reason than mere courtesy anyways, and who is mentally drifting away, as soon as I get more into detail.

But obviously, it was NOT enough this time. AL was sitting down next to me on the couch, where I was lying reading a book, with a facial expression serious enough to imply genuine interest. At first it startled me, and I got a bit nervous, cause for some reason I felt I had to answer to an interrogation, and to justify my replies. But it wasn't so. Not at all.

Well, I must say that AL is around our family for well over 10 years now, and he has been everything to me, from emergency math-tutor throughout high school, to teenage crush, to skillfull mediator between generations, to role model, to big brother. I have settled on the big brother version now, as I have always wanted one, and never had one, and he has behaved brotherly just too many times for NOT to see him this way.

However, I ALWAYS felt inferior to him... not because of his age (he's 10 years older than me, but I have friends even OLDER than that...), but because of his immensely high IQ and his PhD. I always felt like my own experiences and my own knowledge was insufficient next to his... something that may have its reason in him knowing me since I was 10 years old, and him pretty much watching me growing up... all my puberty escapades, everything. I guess I never quite feel as an adult in his eyes because of this, even though he doesn't give me that feeling at all, by no means.

But last night, when he was sitting there on the couch with me, asking me about my experiences and life in the USA in general, I got a feeling I never quite had with him before: I could tell him something he didn't know anything about, I knew more about something than he did... I could impress him with something I did. I am not sure if the latter was really the case, but it certainly felt that way. He remarked what great of an accomplishment it was to actually get through with my plans, against all the resistance I felt from everyone around me, instead of just giving in, something that wouldn't have been a surprise, considering the opposition I had to fight. And for some odd reason... when AL says something like that, it counts double and threesome, in my book.

I then just started to spill out everything that was on my mind, all the things that make my existance so hard these days... and for the first time ever the person I was babbling at didn't drift off, didn't look bored, didn't try to make me stop, didn't fret and look hurt when I expressed how much I love living in the USA, but encouraged me to go on! I was talking about how ripped in two I am, having those 2 separate lives that just won't allow for themselves to be bound together, I was talking about how badly I wanted for Hunny to be here, so he would understand me better, I was talking about our financial problems, I was talking about how some of my friends just can't relate to me anymore... and through all this he sat, listening, encouraging me to go on by popping in more questions... and not making me feel insufficient or inferior at all (not like he ever consciously would), but actually telling episodes from his own life, where he has experienced similar things.

For the first time now since I am here, I could REALLY talk. Not having to be considerate of my opposite's feelings or watching like a hawk whether or not that person's attention is still mine... and boy, that felt so good. :)

Brainfart released at 09:30 AM | Comments [1]

January 7, 2003
Walking in a Winter Wonderland...

52 lengths today! I am so proud of myself. :)

When we left the swimming hall (?), it was snowing like there was no tomorrow. So beautiful! Just like it's supposed to be, in January. :) I can't remember when it last was like this. Everything is blanketed with snow... and the snow is crunching underneath my soles when I walk... the light is really soft... if it wouldn't be so biting cold outside, I'd go for a long walk right now... but then, why would I... Hunny's not here to enjoy the romance of this with me. :(

Brainfart released at 08:07 PM | Comments [1]


It's on TV right now.

First off... I am NOT a Baywatch fan, by no means, but if nothing else is on TV (as is the case right now), I consider it a nice pastime, especially if it is the older seasons (as is the case right now).

Upon yelling "Home, sweet home!" when I heard the title song of Baywatch, I gained a really ill-mannered look from Mom... LOL. I didn't even mean it that way, but the annoyed reaction was worth it at any rate. *giggles*

But it is weird, in a weird kinda way. Before, I watched Baywatch, and I was all like.... oooooh.... California..... would be sooooo great if I could only live there one day *sigh* (even before I knew that I had chances to REALLY live there one day)..... and NOW I'm like..... oooh... California.... I live there... how damn cool is that?


Brainfart released at 03:18 PM | Comments [1]


Not so cheerful anymore. Long distance relationships suck. I know, this is just a vacation and not exactly a LDR... but just how I managed to go through this for almost a year is beyond me.

I wish he could be here, I really do. My family was so eager to meet him, to get to know the man their daughter/grandchild/sister is now living with on the far side of the world, and I was so eager to show him the place I grew up in, and just what makes my home so special. I was eager to show him around, and to introduce him to the people that are so important in my life. I want him to know just who exactly I am talking about when I tell him about my best friend. I want for him to have an actual picture and actual memories in mind, when I talk about members of my family. I want them to be more to him than words on a screen, voices on a telephone, or characters in the stories I tell him. I want them to be more real to him.

He would get so much of a better idea of who I really am, and why I am the why I am. Shaped for a big part by my home and the people who are most important to me. One can never fully understand and know a person until one has seen that person in his or her "natural habitat", their usual surroundings, their living circumstances.

Or even pictures from my past... you know... just the whole deal. The things that over time made me ME.

I wish I could stand with him at the window right now in the dark room, arm in arm, with a cup of steaming hot tea, and watch the snow silently fall in the streets.

I wish I could talk with my best friend about my boyfriend, and she would actually know him, and have something to say about him herself, instead of just listening to my ramblings and nodding, cause in actuality she has no idea of how he really is, or how he and I are together.

I wish my parents would have gotten the chance to shake his hand, to look into his eyes, to see the man that he is, instead of having to let me leave into the arms of a complete stranger yet again very soon.

I wish he would know what I am talking about when I say "home", cause he has been there, and has experienced it himself, and it would make it more genuine when he holds me when I - yet again - cry on his shoulder, shaken by that horrible feeling of homesickness.

I wish he would know the beauty that is my homeland.

I wish he would know how much fun my friends are.

I wish he could stand in the room I spent my childhood in, just because I think it would be another piece that would make our understanding of each other and therefore our relationship more complete.

I wish he could be here, so I wouldn't have to bother him with all the "things home" I am telling him online, and telling him how badly I miss him and how much I wish he could be here with me, because then he wouldn't be so buried in work and not so stressed out, and not so incapable to reply to the things I say to him in the way that I wish he would.

Wishes... like dreams... nothing but soap bubbles anyway. Even when he will finally be able to legally travel along with me, we still won't be able to afford for him to go, and even if we could, there would be no way for him to leave his work behind. So I will be the one who is forevermore ripped apart in half, belonging to two entirely different worlds, incapable of even partly melting the one into the other, connecting them aside from me being the only fragile link between them. One world not entirely understanding my connection to the other, two different lives for me that are as different and separate from each other as night and day, and me not being able to share the life I have here with the world that is there.

All this makes me look oh so cheerfully into my future life, indeed.

Brainfart released at 12:35 AM | Comments [2]

January 6, 2003
Cheer with me!

4lbs!!! 4lbs!!! 4lbs!!! 4lbs!!!

Minus, not plus! *grins in delight*

4 down... 32 more to go to reach my dream figure... although 22 sound a wee bit more realistic.................. *sigh*

Brainfart released at 07:01 PM | Comments [3]

Ah, the night life...

Looking back, I am happy that TN made me go with her to that club, when I said I was too... ummm... tired to go after hanging out with Sis and T, and didn't feel much like it. Just hanging on the couch and chatting seemed like so much of a better idea, but then she made me, and I had one hell of a blast. :)

First of all, we just caught the hour where the entry was free (always a good thing), and met another friend of ours there (a former study colleague of mine). Then, after meeting one horribly drunk girl friend of TN, who immediately hugged me and kissed me like she knew me forever (I hate these affectionate assaults from completely drunk strangers in random locations such as this club with a passion), and letting some men know that I "like women" to keep them away (*giggles*), I was dancing the night away. :)

And how I missed dancing the night away. :) Loud music that forces your heart into a new beat cause it goes all through your body in a rather persistent rhythm, sweaty people bumping into you wherever you are, yelling your lungs out to the songs, dodging burning cigarettes, and TN and I in ever so experienced double dance all over the place.

Sure, I don't do this kinda thing a LOT (cause it loses its interest for me after a few times, and then I don't need it again anymore for months and months), but when I do... I DO. :D

And all of a sudden TN got all emotional and teary eyed, looking at me while dancing, and suddenly hugging me like there was no tomorow, sobbing how great and wonderful it is that nothing has changed between us, that everything is still the same, and still the same fun, as if I had never left home for such a long time. :) Made me go all sobby too... and we hugged and hugged, two best friends, with all the people bumping into us and the music beating down on us, in the middle of the dance floor. :) (*gets all emotional all over again in reminiscence* *sob*)

However, I knew it was time to go, when my burning thighs almost gave way beneath me, while doing the Lambada with TN. I am exhausted. I am so burnt out. My ears are singing and my head feels like it is filled with cotton, from the loud beat and the flashing lights... I think I will sleep the whole day tomorrow.

But... IT WAS FUN!!!!! :D

Brainfart released at 03:02 AM | Comment?

January 5, 2003
I never knew HOW much I missed it...

...until last night. Going out on a Saturday night, that is.

Well, first off I met with good ol' PM earlier in the afternoon, and he took me out to dinner, and I had Vietnamese! Well, harmless stuff, that is... I only had fried noodles with vegetables, and it was quite delicious, I must say. I am also very proud of myself, as I was eating exclusively with chopsticks... and while I am still assuming a rather cramped finger position, it still worked wonderfully with the rather slippery vegetables and noodles. :)

Meeting PM was great... and not, but that's usually the case with him. He holds a very bipolar position as a friend: I like him as much as I hate him. Makes for very interesting meetings, most of the time. Heh. I can't even explain it very well... he just has a way of knowing me inside out, without me ever telling him much about myself. This gift/talent to look at people and KNOW them in the way he does both repells me and makes me like him a lot, cause you don't usually meet people like that very often. With me, he works like a mirror that he holds in front of myself... and as we all know, mirrors are not always gentle, but always very educating, if you decide to really look. lol

Afterwards I went to the inner city to meet Sis and her boyfriend T. PM was supposed to join us, but then he turned kinda grumpy after dinner, so I just brought him home instead.

We went to a bar, called "Casablanca", in the middle of the city, with live music unplugged, and I was simply enjoying the hell outta myself. I really like Sis' BF too (for a change... lol), I just wished Hunny could have been there too. I am sure he would have enjoyed this a lot too. :/

So I ended up coming home around 1.30am, driving through heavy yummy snowfall. :)

This afternoon I am invited at Sis' place, and afterwards at TN's, who is dragging me along into a club that we like tonight. Haven't been dancing in ages either. :)

This is so amazing... I am running from one friend to the next, and relatives... and I just don't get a break these days. I have never been this busy EVER before I left to California. I am not complaining... I like being the one the world revolves around... but I am actually more than a little tired today... and I'd prefer to just veg around at home instead. Oh well, tomorrow, I am sure. :)

OH! And just for the record... yesterday I did 30 lengths.... ;)

Brainfart released at 12:56 PM | Comment?

January 3, 2003
For mah Ren...

As per request:

Here ya go. :)

Brainfart released at 02:59 PM | Comments [8]

Swim, Forest, swim!!!

See? I am serious about this losing-weight-thing. I didn't eat junk today at all, and in the evening Mom and I went swimming. I did 50 lengths of an almost olympic sized pool. 50!!!

Ya hear?


That's 8202.5 feet!!! 8202.5!!!

They say that only after about 1/2 hour of physical activity actual fat is burnt in the body. Before that, it's only carbs. So I swam like I never swam in my life before, and I sure did burn some fat today. A little... but hey, gotta start somewhere, right?

I like swimming, cause it doesn't get me out of breath as, say, every other kind of sport, but I still feel my arms and legs burn - and of course it doesn't make me sweat (one of the major turn-offs about doing sports in general). lol. It also involves movement of the whole body equally... so now I feel pain in my upper arms, thighs, buttocks and chest - the latter of which is much appreciated, cause it will eventually give my... unmentionables... some better shape too. Heh.

Tonight I was more active than I was in the past 8 months. o_O

But, I will be a good girl and do this EVERY DAY from now on, until I leave. With exception of when I am on skiing vacation, but that means 1 week of hardcore all-day-long physical activity anyways.

Brainfart released at 01:37 PM | Comments [1]

Orgasmic! Minus the sexual component.

I don't think that there are many things in the world better and more relaxing than going to a hairdresser. Well, there are... but this is a child- and parent-proof blog, so don't even go there. ;)

Today, I gave myself the full treat(ment). The hairdresser I go to is the same for at least 10 years now... and there is literally no one else armed with scissors, who I let within a 1 mile radius of my hair. While this must sound rather conservative and boring, I must say that I am rather comfortable with this. She (the hairdresser) knows my hair and how to treat it exactly (which is a rather difficult task, considering my donkey's mane, and she has my eternal respect for this), and she knows my whole hair history... my weird times when I demanded for half of my volume to be thinned out everytime I went there, cause I couldn't stand having so much hair as I do... my 1/2 inch short hair times as a pimply teenager... my blueish-black phases... and over time she has developed a rather sharp sense of what I like and dislike, and what kinda treatments are appreciated, and which ones aren't... with one word, she is like my personal walking encyclopedia of all things hair.

Once (about 3 months ago?) I made the mistake of letting someone else do things to my head decoration. This rather horrid experience only confirmed my obsession with my own hairdresser. And when I told her about my "cheating" experience, and concluded with "Well, I knew I shouldn't have let anyone else cut my hair.", she was beaming and grinning from one ear to the other. :)

It were WONDERFUL 3 hours. Her apprentice boy started off with washing my hair, and getting my hair washed by a hairdressing apprentice has always been one of my favorite pastimes ever. Nothing as relaxing as getting your head skin gently massaged by skillfull fingers, under a warm and soft stream of water, with the good fragrances of the hairdresser's shampoos, that are unavailable in regular stores. He treated my hair as tenderly as a skilled lover would treat the object of his passions, and the skin on my head started to tingle and crawl with relaxation. I almost fell asleep there with my head in that basin, it was so good. Then, following an order of my hairdresser, he treated my hair with a "power mask" for damaged hair, a procedure that took another 30 minutes during which I had the pleasure of feeling professional fingers working my head.
After hearing the usual (ego-boosting) comments about the incredible amount of hair sticking to my head from my hairdresser, the apprentice boy and another male client whose bald spot on the back of his head was shining like a mirror, and who was jealously wondering about scalp transplantations, the cutting began. And when it ended, I was euphoric. :)

My hair is about shoulder length right now, shorter around my face, and I can actually wear it long again, because it actually stays in place now, and doesn't fly annoyingly all over the place, even without gel and all that kinda crap.

A wisely invested $35. *grins*

Brainfart released at 05:06 AM | Comments [2]

January 2, 2003
The horror that is my reflection in the mirror...

Okay, to start this post off... one of the things I plan for the new year is (and you all are witnesses to this) to lose some weight and to move that body of mine in a sportive manner a bit more, instead of sitting at my holy shrine AKA computer all day long and munching on (from a dietary point of view) crap.

Well, yesterday I dared to step on the scale again, for the first time since... uh... May. What I saw there, shocked the living shit out of me. During my time in the USA, I have gained... ahem... ({[(42876683-238571387)*(-467)]-1389426768}/1000000000)-70 lbs.

This is more than I have ever weighed in my whole life. I have a big advantage though, which is being insanely tall, having long limbs and good proportions, therefore my fat is distributed in a way that it is very easy to purposely overlook a beginning body fat invasion, until it is really not denieable anymore, meaning: you go buy a bathing suit, and end up not buying the one you really like, but the only one you can squeeze yourself into without looking like a sausage, which also happens to be the biggest size available in that store.

Also, why is it that those mirrors in changing cubicles always seem to be more cruel than your own mirror at home? Is it the light? Or maybe the fact that there are 3 mirrors placed in a way that it is possible to see yourself from every possible angle, no matter in which direction you look?

I guess everybody needs a certain trigger to accept the sad truth, and to decide to do something about it. Mine was the experience of buying a bathing suit today.

Now my plan is to go swimming every day until I fly back, and DRAMATICALLY cutting down on junk food and unnecessary "treats"... Mom's all with me, having a bit of the same problem. And I better do something NOW, before I continue this journey to absolute shapelessness any further, because with every pound gained, it gets harder to lose them again.

Brainfart released at 08:31 AM | Comment?

January 1, 2003
Oh, the unbelievableness.

I have a car! Well... not really HAVE a car as in I own a car... but Opa has revealed to me today that I am free to use his car whenever I want to during the time I am here, since he doesn't really need it anyways... so after a really nice and long afternoon with my grandparents, I went home with 4 motorized wheels under my ass. *grins*


2002? Let's talk a bit about 2002. My blog is now just about 1 year old... time to look back, time to wrap up the happenings.

January - I came home from a wonderful Christmas vacation with Hunny. At home, I had a very good job and lots of money, my own appartment and a lovely and loving babycat sharing this appartment with me.

February - I applied for admission at college, then times got rougher, as I had to let my immediate family into the know of my plans, which were not really what any of them had ever in mind for me.

March - I got accepted at college, and as a result danced through my now ex-soon-to-be appartment and sang and jirped in glee. Then the times just got outwardly horrible after telling my immediate family I was going to leave very soon.

April - The preparations for the big move started and were finished in time. I had a hard time calming the family, emptying out my appartment, and quitting my job - a very emotional time.

May - The big month. I left my appartment, packed 2 suitcases and my cat, said a very hard and emotional goodbye to my home, and left for another home... a home that was in its essence yet completely unknown to me. I moved in with the man who I loved enough to leave everything for, and tried to get accustomed to this new and strange new life of mine, so different from everything I have known so far.

June - College started. So far, the best academic experience I have made in my whole life. I also met some of the bestest people, and most certainly the most wicked and vile person I will probally ever meet in my life.

July to November - A period of time that was both the best and worst time in my life. Best, because I intensified my friendship with the people mentioned above, and I have never felt so loved and accepted by other people ever before. School was awesome, living with Hunny was awesome. I felt like I finally was where I was supposed to be, and did the things I was supposed to do. And worst, because I had to learn and experience the ruthless evil that can exist in people, that damaged too many of the ones I love in too many ways I care count.

December - Back to my old home again... changed? Maybe. I sure have changed too. But it's still home. It's recharging my batteries, it's resting, it's relaxing, it's spending time with the family I have left behind, before I return to the family I have gained on the far side of the world.

Why am I writing this? I dunno... those who have been reading my blog over the last year know these things en detail anyways... those who haven't, well, this is what it was all about so far. 2002 was a good year... I can sure say that the good things way outweigh the bad, no matter HOW BAD the bad things were. And being able to say this, I certainly hope the same for 2003. I want for the good to outweigh the bad... and as long as Hunny and I are having each other, and as long as I have the emotional and otherwise support of my friends, 2003 can only turn out to be a very good year indeed. :)

PROSIT NEUJAHR! (as we say in Austria)

Brainfart released at 12:14 PM | Comments [3]


Lotsa food... lotsa games... lotsa fun... lotsa babies... lotsa fireworks... lotsa missing Hunny, especially when I caught a glimpse of Little T's parents, holding Little T in their arms, a glass of champaign in the other, slowly moving to the Danube Waltz at midnight, celebrating their first New Year's as a family together. It was about the most tender and romantic thing I have ever seen in my life. Have you seen "Nine Months"? In the end, when he gets up to calm the baby in the middle of the night, and then she gets out and then they end up dancing all 3 of them? That made me cry when I saw it, and it was just like last night... minus the crying.

Me? I got quite emotional when midnight came around. I sorta separated myself from the general merry cheering and giggling, and went to the window to watch the fireworks go off above the roofs of the houses to the sounds of the bell of Stephansdome in the radio, that only rings once a year to this occasion. New Year's always makes me reflect on my past life and past New Year's Eves... I dunno, it just has that effect on me. It always does. And usually it leaves me quite melancholy and sentimental. And of course, I missed Hunny so much... tried to give him a call, but I couldn't reach him, so I couldn't talk with him at all. :(

This morning, I am quite your morning grouch. Stayed awake until 4am, and at 10am I got a phone call from Opa, telling me he's on his way to come pick me up, after I told them yesterday I would spend the afternoon with them, and give them a call when I am awake. Seems like he missed that part though. ACK. I could delay the process by about another hour... but now I need to go an get ready.

If anyone of you get the chance, watch the Vienna New Year's Concert... starting now. I think this is a world-wide thing on television already... and it's really worth watching. It's just part of New Year's Day for me. :)

Brainfart released at 01:50 AM | Comment?


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