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Graboids
The Graboid is a worm-shaped creature approximately 10 meters long and more than two meters across at its widest diameter. An adult specimen weighs approximately 10 to 20 tons, which makes it the largest land (or subterranean) animal on Earth. The Graboid displays linear orientation (its head is different from its tail), and dorsal/ventral orientation (the top of its head is different from the underside). It may also exhibit bilateral symmetry, but determining this conclusively will require a more detailed examination of multiple specimens.
The Graboid's body is covered with a dense, leathery carapace. Twisting spines or spikes up to several inches long protrude in irregular rows, forming rings around the Graboid's tubular body. The Graboid appears to lack limbs or other significant external features apart from its head.
This head consists of an armored or plated external sheath, under which opens a three-part jaw. Concealed within the mouth are three tentacles, which can extend several dozen feet beyond the Graboid's head to seize prey. Each tentacle appears to be bifurcated at its extremity, creating a biting jaw with sharp "teeth." This extremity resembles a serpent's head due to horn-like protrusions on one side of the bifurcation. The armored jaw sections and the tentacles all seem designed to funnel prey into the animal's central gullet.
The Graboid has been documented to swallow large objects whole (for example, in 2001, one specimen swallowed an entire 50-gallon metal drum containing noted Graboid-hunter Burt Gummer). This may indicate that the Graboid lacks a rigid jaw structure. More likely, it seems to indicate that the animal's mouth is an elastic, sphincterlike structure, perhaps lined with shearing and cutting teeth. If the animal does have a rigid jaw structure, then it can likely unhinge its jaw (as can many species of snake) in order to swallow prey as large as humans and cattle.
The Graboid's sensory abilities are well-adapted to its underground environs. It has no external eyes, and therefore, presumably, no vision. It does possess remarkable hearing, or at least remarkable sensitivity to ground vibrations: It tracks prey by following noise and movement. (Whether this is a function of sensitive hearing or merely a sensitivity to vibrations remains unclear.)
Behaviorally, the Graboid is carnivorous. It is essentially an ambush predator like a tiger, preferring to covertly stalk its prey. That said, most adult Graboids can move swiftly through loose soil, faster than a human can run. Although Graboids cannot move through solid rock, they can sense the vibrations of prey that has sought shelter on a large boulder or vehicle, or on an artificial structure such as a house.
When possible, a Graboid will rapidly excavate the soil from beneath such a barrier, causing it to sink into, or closer to the ground, where the Graboid can attack with its three tentacles. In cases where such an assault is not possible, the Graboid has demonstrated a remarkable patience, lying in wait for its trapped prey. There are several documented accounts in Perfection Valley of individuals who died of exposure, thirst or starvation while perched on rock islands or atop utility poles, rather than face death in the maw of a Graboid.
Furthermore, the Graboid seems to be highly intelligent. It appears to possess memory; it learns from its experiences. Confronted with problems, it will try to solve them. And it usually will not be fooled more than once by the same deception.
Observers have documented several instances of Graboids traveling together, revealing a degree of socialization. They appear to act cooperatively for hunting, and may be able to communicate on some level (perhaps through subsonic vibrations, as elephants are known to do).
All these factors combine to make the Graboid a startlingly sophisticated creature, despite its primitive appearance.
The Graboid worm has been known, on occasion, to cannibalize its cousin species, Shriekers and AssBlasters. However, the documented incidents involved a limited degree of deception by human observers, so it is not known whether the Graboid normally preys on Shriekers and AssBlasters.
Shriekers
At the end of its life cycle, a Graboid dies in order to spawn three to six Shriekers. This might be a factor of natural aging, occurring when the creature reaches a certain point in its life span. Alternatively, it might result after a Graboid devours a sufficient amount of prey, or it might be triggered by some other internal metabolic or external environmental cue. (El Blanco, the federally protected "Great White Graboid" of Perfection Valley, is an exception. This albino specimen of the species appears to be incapable of generating Shriekers, though we have not yet been able to determine why.)
 Shriekers are not a metamorphosed form of the parent Graboid. Rather, it appears that Shriekers grow within the Graboid and eventually burst out, killing the parent creature.
The Shrieker is only about two meters in length, but its body shape and head structure are similar to the Graboid's. It is not clear whether the Shrieker possesses mouth tentacles for feeding as the Graboid does. It might be that its mouth tentacles are present but vestigial.
The most striking difference between the Shrieker and its predecessor in the Graboid life cycle is that the Shrieker perches on two legs, allowing it to walk and run. These legs appear to be articulated with three joints, and they end in three-clawed feet. When not on the attack, Shriekers tend to move from place to place in spurts. They move, stop and scan, then move again. When traveling in this mode they make short, low-register grunting noises.
According to available evidence, the Shrieker's most remarkable feature is that it can reproduce asexually by growing offspring within its mouth cavity. Once born or disgorged, an offspring is smaller than its parent but quickly grows to full size. A Shrieker, by consuming enough food, can multiply itself repeatedly; consequently, an initial population of three to six individuals can rapidly multiply into dozens.
A Shrieker's primary sensory apparatus is thermal. Using a natural heat sensor mounted on top of its carapace, a Shrieker can "see" its environment and search for the specific heat signatures of its prey. When no heat sources are detected, these omnivores search for food by dragging their sensitive tongues along the ground. This enables them to find edible flora and fauna whose temperatures would otherwise blend into the ambient.
The Shrieker is named, however, for the high-pitched noises it makes. Because Shriekers do not appear to have auditory nerves, they cannot hear the piercing sounds they make. Rather, the creatures emit the shriek while signaling each other via a rush of heat emitted from their fleshy mouths. This blast of thermal radiation alerts other Shriekers to the presence of food. Current evidence indicates that Shriekers do not open their mouths wide except when attacking or signaling.
Shriekers appear to be social; they move in flocks and have not been observed to prey upon one another. There is evidence suggesting a dominance hierarchy among Shriekers, as well as evidence of learning behavior. These traits, coupled with their reproductive ability and rapid locomotion, make them relentless predators.
 AssBlasters
When a Shrieker experiences a biological, hormonal or environmental cue (the exact trigger is unknown), it sheds its outer husks in much the same manner that a snake sheds its skin. The resulting morphological variation is known colloquially as an "AssBlaster," the third (and possibly final) stage in the Graboid life cycle.
AssBlasters exhibit the same type of carapace and hinged triple jaw found in both the Graboid and the Shrieker forms, except that on the AssBlaster these structures are more slender and elongated. The presence of mouth tentacles seems unlikely, but remains unconfirmed.
The AssBlaster has several traits in common with the Shrieker. It possesses two three-toed legs that allow it to walk, run and jump. Its overall body plan and shape is similar to a Shrieker's, except that the AssBlaster is longer and more fragile in appearance. In addition, it appears to share the Shrieker's thermal-sensory abilities. Like Shriekers they are deaf and, when they spot food, they open their beaks wide to release a loud, heat-emitting shriek to signal other AssBlasters to join the hunt. On the ground, they hunt in a manner similar to that of Shriekers, making the same kinds of low, grunting noises as they pursue their endless quest for food.
Most significant, the AssBlaster has three unique anatomical peculiarities not found in Shriekers or Graboids.
First, the AssBlaster has wings. These are not true wings in the sense of being capable of self-powered flight; they do not resemble birds' or bats' wings (which are modified limbs). By contrast, the musculature behind an AssBlaster's wings is fairly crude. There is no indication that the wings are capable of beating or moving quickly enough to provide lift, or that the wing muscles are well-developed enough to enable sustained flight. Also, though winged, AssBlasters spend the majority of their time on the ground.
Instead, an AssBlaster's wings consist of a membrane of skin suspended between a series of spines radiating straight out from the body. The wings appear to consist of three structures — equivalent to a left wing, a right wing and a fan tail. AssBlaster wings most closely resemble the "wings" of the flying lizard Draco — modified ribs that the lizard unfurls in order to glide. AssBlaster wing struts are most likely modifications of the Graboid skin spikes. The AssBlaster controls its glides by flexing, lifting, lowering and even folding these structures, yielding remarkably precise flight maneuvers.
Because its wings cannot power its flight, the AssBlaster has developed its second unique anatomical aspect: a biological rocket. In the act which has inspired its off-color but highly descriptive name, the AssBlaster releases a propulsive force from its tail end. This fiery expulsion launches the creature skyward. At the apex of its ascent, the AssBlaster opens its wings and glides, sometimes for up to a mile or more. An AssBlaster gives warning of impending take-off via a unique "windup," or revving-up sound.
Cephalopods use a variation on jet propulsion for locomotion, but the AssBlaster has evolved the trait to a radically higher level. This feature is not seen in either the Graboid or the Shrieker, but the remarkably high metabolisms of those forms suggest the early gestation of such a robust biology. (We can only speculate on the specific mechanics of this ability; a more thorough examination will require a detailed autopsy of one or more intact AssBlaster specimens. Unfortunately, the Department of Defense has claimed first priority in the study of all such recovered subjects.)
The third trait that distinguishes the AssBlaster from its other Graboid forms is that the AssBlaster bears eggs. (A more detailed discussion of this can be found later in this report, in section 5.0 – EVOLUTION.)
Even more so than the Shrieker, the AssBlaster is highly verbal, uttering a wide variety of unique cries related to specific desires or reactions to particular stimuli. This strongly implies that, in addition to the AssBlaster's thermal sense, the AssBlaster possesses fully developed auditory senses.
Finally, as with the Shriekers, AssBlasters are ostensibly social animals, at least to the extent of not attacking or eating their siblings. So far, they have not exhibited coordinated hunting behavior.
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