It's beginning to look a lot like X-mas
December 24, 2003
Well, it's that time of year again... you know, the time when all Americans come together in the spirit of secularism to celebrate the ideals of non-spiritual, humanist enlightenment. Yes indeed, soon we'll all be joining hands and singing non-threatening, non-religious songs like "We wish you a merry vacation" and "I'll be home for the festivities."
The traditional tofu-nog will flow liberally as families, both conventional and non-conventional alike, unite in the spirit of some largely purposeless, yet wholly innocuous occasion, while the virtues of atheism are extolled as a more inclusive alternative to the divisive religious ideologies of the past.
Department store Santa Clauses everywhere will, predictably, be besieged by tiny tots of every shape and size. However, the fat, bearded, white man in red will be replaced by the healthier looking, more politically correct persona of a slender, brown woman wearing a unisex jumpsuit and a French shacko.
The otherwise bleak, December streets of anytown USA will suddenly be aglow with colorful lights, representing nothing in particular as the good townspeople thereof prepare for the coming of a holiday void of any real meaning to anyone. Town squares across the nation will be embellished with a variety of seasonal adornments, except for the ones which might possibly be construed as exemplifying Judeo-Christian beliefs.
Ah, the good cheer and camaraderie... the delight and delectation! Children will look forward, with breathless anticipation, to that joyous morning when they'll awake to find decoratively wrapped packages stacked neatly in a corner of the living room where a large evergreen would have been standing had Greenpeace not successfully lobbied to have the gratuitous harvesting of pine and fur trees outlawed.
Bedecked in burkas and quetzal feathered headdresses, which the public schools have provided in order to impress upon them the importance of identifying with people of alternative cultures, bright-eyed little tikes everywhere will gleefully partake in this most wondrous of days.
Television networks will broadcast the most extraordinarily faith-neutral productions for this holiday season, beholden to no one but their sponsors and illustrative of no belief system in particular, as gangsta rappers on MTV chortle "ho ho ho, yo mamma's a ho" well into the new year.
Newscasters and journalists across the fruited plain will dutifully report on the most horrifying acts of violence and depravity committed in the name of religion and/or God, stopping from time to time to ask important philosophical questions like "was Jesus a liberal or a conservative."
Politicians of every stripe will avoid the potential consequences of taking a stand either for or against the national holiday once commonly referred to as Christmas, and refrain from even mentioning the word for fear of seeming non-inclusive or, far worse, anti-Muslim.
Military chaplains will be required to perform non-denominational ceremonies for our troops around the world wherein the word God will be replaced by the phrase "a higher power than your commanding officers."
And as the bells on our clocks toll twelve midnight on December the 25th, wherever in the world each of us may be when that happens, we all will pause in silent reflection, and thank... anyone who happens to be in the room at the time, or the ACLU, or the government, or the UN... whoever... for the irreplaceable gifts of family, friendship, cheese-balls, tofu-nog, those cool new video-phones... whatever...
Anyway, have a safe and inoffensive year-end holiday, don't forget to recycle your wrapping paper and greeting cards, and please put a little extra into the IRS collection plate this tax season in the spirit of giving and governmentally manipulated economic parity.
Oh, and happy Kwanzaa to all!
Edward Daley was born to American parents on a U.S. military base in Stephenville, Newfoundland, Canada, and moved to the United States as an infant. He became active in politics in 1984
© Copyright 2003 by Edward Daley
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