A song on my 49th birthday
I turned 49 today. Or, more precisely, I turned 49 this morning at 7:02am. I’ve reached the age where I’ve lived too long to die and leave a beautiful corpse. The the only other option open to me now is to live long enough to become a burden on society.
In one more year I’ll reach the age of 50, and then all the rules will have changed. I’m heading into a time when chest pain is cause for concern rather than a move to loosen my bra. Gone are the years where I was asked if I had any kids – now the questions drift more towards grandkids then not. I never thought I would miss the good old days when I’d have to to fend off issues of choosing not to have children ("Well, you still have time to change your mind").
The middle years of twixt and tween, of being over 50 but before being old – dying before now is a tragedy but after is a blessing. If I were to die now, I would just die, with nothing much more than: “Well, it’s sad, true, but we all have to go sometime.”
And where is the taut, smooth flesh of yesteryear? Who snuck in and left this old, well, older woman?
I turned 49 today and in exactly one year I’ll turn 50. I will kill the first person to give me a black balloon and consider the time spent in prison worth it.
I woke up with visions of black clouds vaguely resembling balloons and I didn’t _quite_ kick the cat, and I didn’t _quite_ slit my wrists. In fact, my coffee tasted remarkably good this morning as I looked out at the clouds lightening to that silver grey, thinking how lovely they are. I’m not one to look on the down side for long, a trait that I seem to grow into more each year. Yes in a year I’ll turn 50, but what can happen in that year?
I’ll write a million or so words and from these a few will come together that I’ll read again and again and I’ll feel that deep satisfaction a writer gets when they know, regardless of what anyone says, they’re good.
I’ll have more chances to take the kind of photographs that when I look at them later, I break into a smile and I holler out loud regardless of who is around: Look! Look what I have created!
I will have another year to try foods that I’ve turned my nose up at in the past. It may even be raw octopus with suckers still fresh enough to grip the insides of my cheeks. I may not like it – I may absolutely hate it – but I’ll have tried it. There won’t be a moment before the end when I’ll think to myself, “I wish I had tried raw octopus.”
In the next 12 months, I may meet one or two people who will end up being a close friend for the rest of my life – or I may realize that I’ve already met the person and have just not experienced the epiphany of the act. We may be sharing a coffee or a beer and I’ll look at the person and think how lucky I am, how much richer my life is because I had a chance to get to know them.
Within these 52 weeks, I may meet someone who I become fond of, or even fall in love with. We could be sharing a laugh, and I’ll know at the moment when my mouth widens into a smile why the other is laughing, and this knowledge becomes an act of immense sensuality. Or perhaps we’ll be on a couch together, me in his arms, or him in mine, or even just sitting beside each other, watching an old movie and the very air will crack with eroticism more intense than anything generated from a strip tease or edible panties.
Or maybe I’ll watch that movie alone and still feel the sensuality of the moment; and experience the arousal that a good film, or book, or song, can generate when it touches you.
In 365 days, I can redefine who I am in 365 ways.
In 8760 hours, a lot can happen. And if in all those hours and days and weeks and months my dreams have not been met, and I’m lucky to reach 50, then I know I’ll continue to have time to meet them, or to dream new dreams.
Shelley
Comments
BurningBirthday
[H]appy birthday, Shelley (a couple of days late). I hope you maintain that sense of optimism and hope throughout the year.
There Is No Cat — 11/21/2003 @ 2:34 pm
Happy birdday! Hope it’s a good one, weather aside.
one more year and then you can join AARP and start counting the days until you are 55 and can get all them senior specials. No it never ends, and they will probably raise the limit as you get close. I’m 51 and it may be my fault.
In any case happy birthday and many more.
the head lemur — 1:54 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Happy birthday! Thanks for making me look forward to turning 49.
Congratulations on your birthday. You proceed me by two years and eight days, which means I can suppose to expect to feel much the same when I reach that point. Though I rather doubt that was the point you were trying to make :-)
Best wishes and thanks for taking time to write.
Ewan Grantham — 3:51 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Best wishes Shelley. (and hey - the 50’s are nothing to dread.)
Thanks for sharing some of your journeying with us.
They used to say life begins at 40. From my perspective I’d say it begins at 60.
Happy birthday dear friend.
Allan Moult — 4:20 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Shelley: Happy b-day! I had no problem with thirty, and I’m sure I’ll probably cruise past forty without a thought… but I’ll probably cringe at fifty.
So I’m looking to people like you to climb that slope as an emotional advance team and prove that the air isn’t so bad up there. :)
Roger Benningfield — 4:48 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Shelley,
Have a happy, happy birthday. You deserve to.
Best
GT
Gary Turner — 4:58 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Hey Congrats!
btw: I tried to send you an email from work but it appears that your new hosts also use the SPEWS database (that’s not very professional given how SPEWS runs their database - there are better ones to use) and it was rejected. Just so you know - and I’m sorry to post it here but I can’t get it to by email - make certain you log into the CSC to cancel your server - it’s the only way to do it.
The Dynamic Driveler — 5:11 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Congratulations, Shelley, keep walking and if you’re lucky, you won’t feel a day older next year than you feel today.
My best years came when I first retired at 56 and spent three to four days a week hiking in the mountains. Never hiked further or felt better at any time in my life.
I figure at the very least I’m going to make old age run damn fast to catch me.;;
Hey - happy almost-middle-aged (less of the “old” thank you). And thanks for your gift - the smile at the writing, the holler at the pictures - for what you create.
Happy birthday, Shelley!
Just remember, we only have moments to live.
Kind of puts that whole age thing in a different perspective. But I think you already know that.
dave rogers — 9:06 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Congratulations and happy birthday! And thank you for this lovely post – we’d all do well to face the future with such optimism and acceptance.
Jonathon Delacour — 10:16 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
49 is your last chance to look down on the geezers, kid! Next year we’ll expect you to wear purple and finally feel comfortable in your skin.
My first husband said I’d be an outrageous old lady but he was suffering through my youth.
I hope you’ve done something special today, and bought yourself a present. I know you’ve already imagined how you’d like this year to unfold.
Here’s to your happiness.
sheila
Sheila Lennon — 10:48 pm 11/18/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
I thought I’d pinged you, but it didn’t take I guess. Happy b’day, Shell!
stavrosthewonderchicken — 6:35 am 11/19/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
In Vietnam, one is born already a year old, so if you were Vietnamese you’d already be 50. Cheer up!
Congratulations Shelley - you are now in your 50th year! I am 50 and know of a few people who are fit and well at 98 and 101…makes one wonder if they know twice as much as a fifty year old… imagine if you reach that age, you may end up knowing double the amount of stuff that you know now! Wow eh? Best wishes for a very happy birthday.
Happy Birthday, Shelley!
Hope there was some Godiva involved in the festivities!
Happy Birthday! You are moving into the realm of the Elders. :-)
Dave Seidel — 10:52 am 11/19/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Happy birthday Shelley!
I hope it was a good one and that there’ll be many more!
Sheet.
It was here all thuh time (wrote last night, day late and dollar short)-, t’ain’t muchuva card, but place is such a wreck that I couldn’t find it ’till now:
Happy Belated Bb-day card:
November 19, 2003
http://www.nytimes.com/indexes/2003/11/10/science/text/index.html
Science
(1) Does Science Matter?
Does Science Energy? Of course they do!
(2) Is War Our Biological Destiny?
No. It is our cultural destiny, until the culture changes to become stable.
(3) Will Humans Ever Visit Mars?
More likely to live there, than visit. Daggone travel time to and from the airport, and all.
(4) How Does the Brain Work?
Most take it pretty easy. Blame Gutenberg and the calculator.
(5) What Is Gravity, Really?
As Phoebe on “Friends” stated, factually: “Sometimes it feels like I’m pulled (towards “center").. but sometimes it feels like (like.. you know…) I’m [being] pushed".
(6) Will We Ever Find Atlantis?
Dunno.
(7) How Much of the Body is Replaceable?
All of it. Billions of cells sloughed off and replaced every day. We are replaced every X days, at cellular level, every X picoseconds at the atomic level, and every now-and-again, at the psycho-conscious-cognitive level.
(8) What Should We Eat?
For many, a little less of everything. For most in the world, anything you can get your hands on at a reasonable price-percentage-of-income.
(9) When Will the Next Ice Age Begin?
Not in the next 25 years, unless you guys REALLY screw up.
(10) What Happened Before the Big Bang?
There wasn’t anything TO happen.
There wasn’t anything for 2 things to happen with, so nothing happened before THE Big Bang. Now, still wonder how many Big Bangs there have been, and can there be another Big Bang will [sic: “while"] the Universe is still expanding? Can the Universe expand far enough so there could be a Bang within this Bang??
Hafta think on that fer a bit, especially if all these ‘r gonna be solved in the next 25 years!
(11) Could We Live Forever?
According to some, We do.
Some see cloning and mechanical as best means to “live forever", but even if a soul actually doesn’t end up surviving forever, our progeny will and always have. (Thinking/feeling/intuiting from the optimistic pov.)
So, again, we already DO live forever, whether or not a soul does.
(12) Are Men Necessary? …
Only to WoMen and other Men.
… Are Women Necessary?
Only to Men and other WoMen.
Children (from 6 to 60) these days, apparently, have no need for such inconveniences.
(13) What Is the Next Plague?
Looking around for the Next Plague. The current Plague seems sufficient… Arrogance caused by Scientists not feeling they need to do Science, Journalists having no need to do Journalism, Artists going for glory instead of Art… Compassionate people believe there are other people who don’t deserve compassion… People believing in Fool’s Gold and Ponce de Leon and ignoring the perpetual motion machine (which is life, itself). These kinds of arrogance IS the current Plague.
[Errata: Do exaggerate some, to say “no” or “not".]
(14) Can Robots Become Conscious?
Not in the sense a living creature can become conscious. Biggest arrogance of all time, this one.
(15) Why Do We Sleep?
Ever try not sleeping??
(16) Are Animals Smarter Than We Think?
Ah… They’re probably not as smart as THEY think, (just like Hominids aren’t near as smart as we think,) but yeah.
Talk to Sally somebody at OSU who was on a panel about 2 years ago on PBS. Her group noted that “all the criteria we used to delineate between Man and “lower animals” (tool-builder, communicate through language, etc..) have been FOUND in “lower” animals.
(17) Can Science Prove the Existence of God?
Science?? The Science, as I was taught it, can only disprove with certainty. Same as can only prove that a program does NOT work, because you can never prove EVERY POSSIBLE condition of data that the program might end up having to process.
Can Science prove the existence of mu? Less than nothing…?? If Science can create the Absolute Vacuum (presumably by colliding the unstoppable Force with the immovable Object), and THEN actually OBSERVE what is left in the wake of this creation of an Absolute Vaccuum…
(Well, I’m not sure what would be left TO observe anything, in a Perfectly Absolute Vaccuum…???)
[And if there was something left to observe this Perfectly Absolute Vaccuum, wouldn’t Heisenberg’s Law of Uncertainly still apply, thus altering the original Absolute Vaccuum??]
(18) Is Evolution Truly Random?
Sheet. Heard-a Darwin?? Evolution don’t allus work out well (look at Hominids!!..;-) but Evolution tends towards greater Entropy and Tighter Organization in order to survive.
(19) How Did Life Begin?
Physics begat Chemistry which begat Biology, fer as I know. [Biology begat Cognition, eventually, out of the famed Garden of Eden, afaik.]
(20) Can Drugs Make Us Happier? Smarter?
They can give these appearances, short term.
(21) Should We Improve Our Genome?
Should improve our cultural genome before considering this. (See Einstein on needing solutions which don’t create a problem on another level.)
(22) How Much Nature Is Enough?
When She says it’s enough, it’s enough.
(23) What Is the Most Important Problem in Math Today?
I just found out today that people are pretty worked up over this apparent Symmetric SuperString math problem. What appears to go up must appear to go down, ["to go West one mile IS to go East one mile", in space-time-virtual/cognition,] so not sure WHY this is so important. [???] Play the animation on this page http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/elegant/dimensions.html and watch the apparently-6-sided sphere BREATHE in and out, when viewed from two dimensions (which are apparently 4 dimensions we live in).
(24) Where Are Those Aliens?
If they were smart with a sense of humor, they’d be watching us like an ant colony and chuckling.
(25) Do Paranormal Phenomena Exist?
Sure.
All the time. Things that aren’t normal.
When do normal phenomena exist, would be my question???
Five hundred years ago it took a paranormal phenomena for a ship to go so far outta sight for so long, that it “fell off the edge", and yet returned!!!
(And just goes to show how viewing the Earth as flat WAS Truth (see Jeff Ward) of that age, not ignorance, because so many ship-captains HAD gone out past the edge and not returned!! Course, some just settled down on the continent they ended up in, so weren’t ‘zactly lost, either.)
Hope ya have/had/do/will a good ‘un, Bird.
(Hey! Lynnette!! (iirc?))
What a beautiful entry – Happy birthday Shelley, and yeah, I like that comment of Ingrid’s about doubling your scope by the time you hit 98 or 100. Wow! Something to look forward to! ;~)
Yule Heibel — 6:08 pm 11/19/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Belated happiness, Shelley. I turned 45 5 days before you, so your post certainly resonates with me.
Happy 49th Shelley. My best wishes for the coming year and many, many more - each happier than the one before it.
Love and Peace,
Frank
Belated Happy Birthday Shelley - Carpe Diem!
Julian
Happy Birthday, Shelley! I’m sorry I missed the exact day, but it’s always a good thing to celebrate the fact that a person was born…
Many many happy returns of the day to you.
Pascale Soleil — 9:57 am 11/20/2003 Talkback: By name By URL
Sorry, comments are closed at this time.
