Wednesday, September 17, 2003

::stories i tell::

i am the same. i am still the sensitive little girl i have always been. and people can still make me cry with one look or one harsh word. such demeanor does not bode well for me in my present job. BBL (big boss lady)lashes out at any given moment without a second thought with Her Thick British Disposition and dim grasp of manners. i break under the pressure so easily that it's almost silly. i have been here nearly one year and given loads more responsibility than i ever intended to take at my unchanging pay scale and job description. i have been happy, frustrated, challenged, disappointed, increasing in knowledge, depressed, stretched, pulled in different directions, wearer of several hats, pushed to my breaking point, criticized, in love with my job, lacking in support, switched around, jumped on, twisted, squeezed, and hung out to dry. and i'm not sure if this means i'm ready to just walk away in desire of something that can make me happier and pay me a little more money. i think i have peaked here and i fear true growth (in position and compensation) lies somewhere outside of another year -- that i might not be willing to stick around for. i hate feeling drained at the end of the day. i want my energy, my earnestness, back. i don't want to fight anymore. i hate arguing. i hate feeling bad. i hate feeling bad because of a situation that i voluntarily subject myself to on a weekly basis. i despise the job that caused my TMJ to flare up, put me on nexium, and guilts me into thinking i can't accomplish anything in management because i am not thick skinned. i do not believe that. i do not believe God would make me a tender, sensitive soul in some desire to frustrate me to the point of tears, but i do think that He has done it so i might have the sense to recognize when i'm in a position that i ought not be in. this is the state i'm in.

i know the waterworks won't help any, but it relieves the tension that tends to build inside my heart. thanks mom & dad (:)