Product: Miss Cleo's Psychic Phone Line Host: Drew Expert: "Miss Cleo" Price: $0.99 a minute Airdate Circa: July 2001 Sponsor: Mind and Spirit Quotes“You know her. You love her. You worship her like we do.”The host “You are definitely the most captivating personality to hit television.”The host “There is a woman around you, I'm tellin' you. She kind of top heavy.” “Go for the one with the large chest.” “You cannot cut off a man and not expect him to go find food up somewhere else.” “You got your heart step on. Correct? OK. And they took their nice little stiletto heels, 'cause you know you're a freaky-deaky one.” “Believe it or not, he is not doing as much dancing around in bed sheets as you are hearing about...You are more active than he is, honey.” “If you tink of a question you'd like to ask me, remember: not much me haven't seen and not much me haven't heard. So don't be shy.” “You could charm the bloomers right off of the the queen of Englandthe king too fee that fact. I mean no disrespect to the crown.” “I've seen some of the plants in your old apartment and of course they died.” “When you fall in love first tree weeks everything is lovely. Until you find out that she picks her nose and you pick your toes.” “Outside the bedroom we have no conversation fee each other.” “Me always say, 'Finish your food on your first plate before you get a second plate of food.'” “Cleo can see into your heart and into your life.”The announcer “'Nuff respect to the spirits for all their guidance and information.” “That's OK. It amazes me every time I do it too.”
These websites will hand you $2630 in deposit bonusesjust for playing poker games online! Funny Novels.com: A showcase for the best in humorous fiction. Are you bored? DigYourOwnGrave.com features things to keep you happy when you are bored. Interesting websites, neat art, funny videos, flash games, reviews of music. Whatever floats your boat. Ridiculous Infomercial Review |
Miss CleoIn the course of her career Youree Dell Harris of Los Angeles, California has been known by some as "Ree Perris," by others as "Youree Cleomili," but it is as Miss Cleo, a Jamaican peddling pay-by-the-minute psychic advice that she will forever be remembered by a generation of American channel surfers. That's because in the years 2000 and 2001 a person could hardly turn on a TV without seeing a grinning Miss Cleo urging people to "Call me now" or "Call for your free readin'." Miss Cleo's pop culture caché far surpassed that of Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Networkthe previous queens of infomercial soothsaying. Then, just as Miss Cleo's fame approached its pinnacle, everything suddenly fell apart. State attorneys-general and the FTC put legal pressure on Miss Cleo's employers for their fraudulent advertising claimsthey didn't, of course, go after "Miss Cleo" herself since that would have been about as pointless as indicting Mayor McCheese or slapping a restraining order on Count Chocula. The real blow, however, came when the Florida attorney general's office publicly released a birth certificate revealing the real name and all-American pedigree of Miss Cleo. At that point the game was up and the phones went dead. But in the days when she was still riding high, Cleo went to Orlando to tape an infomercial during an appearance on some lame radio program called "The Drew Show." This infomercial provides a case study as to why the name "Miss Cleo" will for decades to come be synonymous with "phone-in psychic." Ya Mon, Her a Real Jamaican PsychicEssential to the Miss Cleo mystique was her supposed Caribbean origin. The poor schlubs in Akron and Boise might know that premonitions are thin on the ground where they live, but they imagine in faraway and tropical locales that preternatural powers are as common as sand and piña coladas. So to evoke that exotic island feel, most of Miss Cleo's infomercials featured her on a set surrounded by wicker furniture, candles, fake palm trees, and other mystical-seeming crap. And although real-life Jamaicans are more likely to wear flip-flops and old Vanilla Ice T-shirts they got from Goodwill, it's hard to imagine Miss Cleo without her trademark headdress, colorful robe, and chunky jewelry. When the radio host does mention that she's from Jamaica, Miss Cleo quickly clarifies that she is "from Trelawny. From a small place called Duncan Falls, which is about 20 minutes outside of Falmouth" and this PROVES that she is really Jamaican (or has access to a decent atlas). But it was her "Jamaican" accent that was the most important tool Cleo used to persuade viewers that she wasn't from around here. So now the Ridiculous Infomercial Review presents: De Unofficial Guide to Talkin' Like Miss Cleo, Babies * For the "th" sound in words like "thing" use "t." Example: "Tank you." * For the "th" sound in words like "this" use "d." Example: "You know dat." * Drop the "g" in "ing" words. Example: "He is not comin' back dis time." * For "I" use "me," for "he" use "him," and just randomly use objective pronouns for subjective ones. Example: "Me know what me talkin' about." * Leave out the "is" verb. Example: "Him a little bit overpriced." * For "going" use "go." Example: "Hi, baby, what go on?" * For "doesn't" use "not." * For "for" use "fee." Example: "Are you waitin' fee that letter in the mail?" * Occasionally use "tee" instead of "to." Example: "Nobody wants tee give way." * Call people "baby," "sweetness," and "young lady." * Make up convoluted expressions that sound homespun. Example: "Whenever we go back second time for second helpin', lot harder fee get out of it." (sic) * Toss in an occasional "Ya, mon." Don't worry about following any of these rules consistently: Miss Cleo certainly didn't. So just how did "Miss Cleo" pick-up her accent? One clue might have come when a caller laughed and Miss Cleo commented, "Dat's an Uncola laugh." Huh? The reference is to an old series of soda commercials featuring Geoffrey Holder, a Caribbean actor with a trademark sonorous laugh. Why would Miss Cleo make such an arcane reference? I strongly suspect that it was from watching those 7UP commercials back in the 1980s that Youree Dell Harris first learned her "accent." The Art and Science of Miss Cleo's Psychic TechniqueOnce she has gotten her "exotic" Caribbean credentials established, Miss Cleo can get to work. It would appear that Miss Cleo is a fortune-telling triple-threat: a psychic, astrologer, and tarot reader. The three methods somehow let her see into the future with some help from "the spirits," whom she occasionally refers to. And just who are these "spirits?" Angels? Ghosts? Gods? Demons? The stench from a three day old cheese sandwich? Miss Cleo never tells us. Nor do the callers ask. If these people really believed that the veil separating the visible, material world and the unseen spiritual realm had been pierced through Miss Cleo, one would think that they would be eager to know all about these "spirits" and how the psychic powers work; that they would use these amazing truths to build an entire metaphysical philosophy or even start a new religion. Instead the callers are mostly interested in finding out if their boyfriends are cheating on them. In any case, listening to how Miss Cleo interacts with the callers reveals the technique behind her "readings:"
Otherwise, Miss Cleo's counsel is largely indistinguishable from the self-indulgent, pop-psych drivel peddled by Oprah Winfrey. Get a load of these gems:
Cleo certainly wouldn't win any awards from traditional family values groups, as when she advises a woman who wants to hump "the man with the nice legs" to "Give yourself permission to leave the marriage if you are tired about it." Like Oprah, Miss Cleo is harder on men than women, especially the caller whom she insults as a "mamma's boy" before accusing him of killing a cactus. Don't think that you have to sell your soul to get such pearls of wisdom either: "Why pay $4.99 a minute fee psychic advice when we'll give it to you fee less than $1 a minute? That's right, less than $1 a minute." That's good to know, because a bargain-basement price should be the most important consideration for anyone seeking life guidance from creatures inhabiting another dimension. Dialup UsersThe video clips on this page are best viewed with a Broadband connection such as DSL.
Infomercials Home
Infomercials 2
Infomercials 3 Comments? Suggestions? Copyright Paul A. Lucas 2005 |