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Monday, April 26, 2004
I miss him....

I dont know why...
We're so different but I find him in my actions and in my choices
just something so captivating about him
something that always drove me CRAZY
crazy in a good...and bad way


i dont know why i'm so capture by his personality
by his multipurpose hair
by his random sayings
by his charisma

I just see snapshots...
CRAZY snapshots...
of him spinning while flashing that oh-so-great smile at me
of him too full to drive the car and looking at me with exhaspiration
of him looking into my eyes with his hazels

i get butterflies thinking about it

i shiver as he brushes past
i melt with his touch

i smile with that CRAZINESS i cant escape


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

how can he let me go? how do i let go from this grasp that he doesnt think he has on me?
how can i let go?

Monday, April 26, 2004
Hmmm. . . God is talking to me.

But will I listen? No!

Open your ears, your heart, your soul to the signs God is giving you. Your prayers are being answered, all you have to do is listen.

Monday, April 26, 2004
I know, I know. I said I was giving this up, yet something keeps drawing me back here. I don't know what it is. So here we go again! Let's see how long this spurt lasts shall we?
Monday, April 26, 2004
Thursday, October 16, 2003
I was deleting all my old blogs. Some that never got off the ground, some that hovered a little, some that totally took off like this one, and one that was extremely private, and no one had ever seen other than myself and DJ. And DJ only saw because he violated my trust one night and read it after I had asked him not to. Huh, gee ya think that would have been a big flashing warning sign that I couldn't trust him huh?? LOL. Anyways, I opened my private one and it was nothing but pain. How much I hated DJ, and how much I hated my life, and blah, blah, blah, blah, fucking blah. Very dark, icky emotion. And while I do still feel pain over the whole betrayal and divorce, something inside me (when you just know, God is speaking to you) was telling me that I didn't need to hang onto all that old garbage. Something inside just said, "You've already let go of a huge chunk, just push one little delete button, and another piece will be behind you." So I did it. I panicked for a brief second as the screen flickered back to the blogger homepage, wishing I had that history back, and then the peace returned over me and I physically felt myself let go a little more. It felt so good. I wanted to keep going. I am. This blog is almost 2 years old. It's been great to me, but it has too much history in it, that needs to be let go of. I want to start a new blog, and yeah, I may talk about my frustrations of being a single-divorced mother, and having to deal with DJ. Yes, I may even reminisce over our short-lived marriage once in awhile, but I don't want my old life to be the main focus on my writing anymore. I want peace. Life In Louisiana. It's over. Moving On, I'm working on it, but I can't do it by dwelling on the past. Thank you all for being so faithful and kind to me. I would love to see you in my new place, but there are certain people (ahem, Lousiana people) who aren't part of my new life, so if you're intrested, email me at mommiejoie2@aol.com and I'll fill ya in. I know it won't all happen in one day, or one month, or even one year, but at some time, I WILL be able to look in on myself, and think, "They say the first cut's always the deepest. But my scar is gone."
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
There was a school shooting in MN today. At a school only about 45 min. from my hometown. At a school I used to travel to throughout junior high and high school for speech and debate meets. One student died, two more were injured. Another case of a young boy fed up with being bullied and made fun of. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to all of you who were involved, witnessed, and had family involved. This kind of thing just isn't supposed to happen in my beloved MN. In 2 short years my very own son will be attending a public school. What will I do? How will I ever send him off to school wondering if he'll be coming home at 3:00? God help us.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
I don't know if this entry will make any sense. I just felt the need to start blogging again tonight. That could change by tomorrow. Things are a little rough around here. Beginnning with the cheap, stupid template. And Mikey's blog is ALLLLL messed up. But that's the way things are going to stay for awhile. I'm too busy and too tired, to mess with all of that. I just feel like writing. Call it laziness if you want, it's still not going to get done. The weather is perfect outside. We're finally getting some rain. We've had a drought all summer. Went to the dentist today. Fun stuff. Shopped with my mom, sister and grandma for awhile. Then headed over to my other sister's house to go BACK to Wal-Mart with her. My nephew (her son) Lucas fills my heart everytime I'm around him and it's not so hard to deal with Mikey being gone, but every now and then when I watch Jaime and Lucas playing together, I get that pain deep in my heart again, wishing my little Bean was here for me to chase around and tickle until he giggles helplessly. Siiigh, Bean, Mommie loves you!
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Monday, July 07, 2003
Yesterday was my 4 year wedding anniversary. Today I signed my divorce papers. I was going to sign them today because I thought today was actually my anniversary. For some reason I've always kept thinking that the seventh is the date and not the sixth and everytime I remember that it is actually on the sixth and not the seventh, I'm kind of surprised. Well, whatever, it was a big waste of 4 years and I got to walk away with the best part of it. I didn't cry. I was sad. Not because I want him back. But because I was grieving for the man I married. DJ now is not the man I married. He's changed into someone I don't know and don't care to know. I can't seem to put my thoughts into a coherent paragraph right now. My heart is really aching over the fact that DJ's coming to get Beans next Saturday and he'll be away for 3 months =(
Monday, July 07, 2003
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Um...Wow...when did all of this change??....Weird. Anyway, not a very exciting day today, but I thought "Hey I haven't written something boring and trivial in my blog lately, why not tonight?" Soooo, what did I do today? Mmmm...woke up, we slept at my parent's house last night due to the threatening tornadic weather last night, since we don't have a basement and my parent's is nicely finished and comfortable. It's been awhile since I've slept in my childhood bedroom. It was a good nights sleep. Went home in the morning, cleaned my house, took a shower, bathed the Bean, and got ready for work. Dropped Beans off at Grandma's house and went to work. Came home from work and had to go run an errand for a friend. And now I'm sitting at mom and dad's house watching Cocktail with my little sister Meg, and wishing Amy would answer her phone so I can tell her that I have to work tomorrow.....
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Monday, May 26, 2003
I believe that faith extends beyond the confinement of religion. It merely creates a guideline for us to follow our lives by…to distinguish the difference between right and wrong and gives up a semi-reasonable explanation for those ethical questions that we’ve been curious about our entire lives.

Regardless of what religion one believes in, I feel that it’s important to have faith in something in life only because it gives us hope when cloudy days comes along when nothing works out the way we planned it. Faith drives us and motivates us when we believe that there is an exterior greater force that guides us and watches over us….whether it be God, Buddha, or your golden cow….or even love. Without faith in our lives, we tend to stray from our hopes and dreams for the fear of failure and disappointment….remain on the ground after falling off our bikes simply because we’re terrified of falling again. We neither have faith in ourselves or that force that keeps us afloat on the high sea of life. In attesting to one’s faith in a particular religion, one is expected to believe in all doctrines taught by the rules of that religion…and yet I’ve always been a drifter….in every aspect of life. Never completely believing fully in the teachings of the church nor believing that any particular religion is significantly better than another….just whatever ideals works for me and I feel pushed and driven by that particular teaching….I live by those ideals. And yet when you take away all the differences of each religion, it all boils down to living a good life in how one deals with oneself and others. Stripping the ornaments off the surface, it basically all are guidelines for one to live one’s life in morally and ethically.

Maybe I’m not the person to teach anyone about faith and especially religion but I feel that so many of us are alluded into believing that our religion is the right one for us simply because we’ve been so comfortable growing up as whatever denomination we are because our parents has set that path for us…and their parents before that…and so we continue a tradition that’s been passed on from generation to generation. It’s true that many of the traditions and rigidity has been relieved over the years to adapt to our way of live. But whatever you chose to believe in, remember that it’s your choice on what you have faith in…and in having such faith, we must live our lives based on what our convictions are….whether or not we end up being persecuted for it. Even when the only faith we have in is the faith in ourselves, it gives us something to believe in…something to have hope it when we’re on the verge of giving up. No matter how often I go to mass sometimes to please my parents, the only times that matters to me are the ones when I chose to go because I need to show my gratitude for what God has given me or when I need guidance. Most of the other times, I am usually in never, never land and it completely defeats the purpose to even being there. Sometimes, I just feel an urge to go to remind myself that there is some higher being watching out for me…or at least that’s what I like to believe…whether it be God, fate, or just love that keeps me waking up every morning knowing that today might be a better day.

Faith extends beyond religion...it is our hope and our guide in life...it's what keeps us striving for better and pushing ourselves to search for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it's in believing that we are bound to find that ONE person who completes us, it's children's belief that Santa Clause will come down the chimney and bring them their desired wants, it's the guiding star that leads us in our lives. It's faith that drives us and motivates us....


Monday, May 26, 2003
People lie tooooo many times. I lie too many times... but so do you. I wish it could all stop.
Monday, May 26, 2003
Life is not measured by the number of breaths u take but by the number of moments that take your breath away


Monday, May 26, 2003
No one in life is a true virgin; life screws us all

Monday, May 26, 2003
Girl nature:

We want what we cannot have the most. It doesn't matter if it changes over night. If we didn't have the red shirt yesterday and we have it today, we want the yellow shirt that we don't have today. Once we have the yellow shirt tomorrow, we'll want the blue one the next day. Once we have the blue one, we are gonna look back and realize that we want the red one again. We want what we cannot have the most. We want what we "used" to have but no longer have anymore. We want what we do not see in front of us. We want what is not tangible to us. We want things that we cannot have.. that's us girls.

Monday, May 26, 2003
This whole thing is just not working...


Monday, May 26, 2003
Living on thoughts of possiblity is no way of living at all... You cannot be that which you observe.


Monday, May 26, 2003
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."


Monday, May 26, 2003
"Obsession. Someone you can`t live without. Someone you fall head over heels for. Find someone you can love like crazy and will love you the same way back. Listen to your heart. No sense in life without this. To make the journey without falling deeply in love, you haven`t lived a life at all. You have to try, because if you haven`t tried, then you haven`t lived." -meet joe black
joined

Monday, May 26, 2003
"Obsession. Someone you can`t live without. Someone you fall head over heels for. Find someone you can love like crazy and will love you the same way back. Listen to your heart. No sense in life without this. To make the journey without falling deeply in love, you haven`t lived a life at all. You have to try, because if you haven`t tried, then you haven`t lived." -meet joe black
joined

Monday, May 26, 2003
All this blabbing due to the fact that I have no washer and dryer as they are currently sitting usless in a storage unit down in Louisiana. Therefore, I am sitting at my parent's house. Blame it on their slow dryer.
Monday, May 26, 2003
Look at Me! Look at Me! I hate it when people label me in any way! I'm not some product! I'm me, and I choose to be me! You don't pave the roads I choose! I hate it when people say I'm not normal! That's a judging word! I hate it when they say things just because they feel obligated to! And lastly, I hate slow drivers!
joined

Monday, May 26, 2003
Every face has it's own story. Every broken heart wants to be mended....everyone wants to tell their story...just waiting for their voice to be heard.


Monday, May 26, 2003
Ugh. "The Boy Is Mine" playing on the kitchen radio. A song that I used to dedicate to DJ's ex-girlfriend. Dumb song. Dumb boy. Dumb girl. How annoying.
Monday, May 26, 2003
I burnt my tongue on a piece of pizza at my friend's house today and now I have one of those little annoying blisters right on the tip. How annoying.
Monday, May 26, 2003
Surprise, surprise. She comes back once in a great while. This post there will be no mention of you-know-who or the you-know-what because this post is going to be pretty much about Paul Bunyan Land. Today was the Bean's first visit ever. If you don't count the time we went when he was still a Bean in the oven. He was fascinated by the fact that Paul knew his name and quite scared of Paul's large size at first. We had a marvelous time and I was saddend by the fact that this will be the one and only summer my child will ever have to build memories at Paul Bunyan Land. Unfourtantely next summer the park will be one big Kohl's department store. So sad. It was a little disconcerting to see alot of the changes there too. No more mushroom picnic tables, gone is the mini-golf course, bye-bye Moccasin Shop, no House Of Mirrors, The Old Tyme Photo Shop no longer uses an actual old time camera, they have gone digital, immensly improving the quality of the photos, yet at the same time taking away the whole point. Of course I still had Mikey's done! He was a cowboy and just the most adorable little cowboy you could ever meet! And I took his picture in the same little turtle that I had my picture taken in when I was little. And of course, of course we got a picture of him sitting on Paul's boot, just like when I was little 20 some years ago. Same boot too, the left one. Mikey rode every ride except the swings, some with me, some all by himself, some with the other people we were with. A terrific day minus the fit he threw all the way home to go back. Not to worry dear Bean, I suspect we'll be spending lots of time with good Ol' Paul before the summer ends, and we'll definately go visit him in his new home!
Monday, May 26, 2003



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