I had a dream that you stood right in front of me
And called to me in black and white
Though I could see you
I couldn’t reach you
You faded into the light
And when the sun turns a dream to reality
I’m left with such an empty space
I feel your spirit
Know that I’m near it
I swear I can see your face

Hear me calling you
Calling you
But you just don’t seem to answer anymore

Am I supposed to pretend I don’t feel the pain
Like it happened only yesterday
No use in trying
To stop the crying
I can’t make it go away

Hear me calling you
Calling you
But you just don’t seem to answer anymore
I’m calling you
Calling you
And I’m afraid you won’t answer anymore

Where is the healing you promised me
Maybe this feeling will burn in me forever

Hear me calling you
Calling you
But you just don’t seem to answer anymore
I’m calling you
Calling you
And I’m afraid you won’t answer anymore
Calling you and I’m afraid that you won’t answer anymore

He also has a few songs about coping with his father's death. I've been crying listening to those songs, too. I don't know a dad-son bond, but from my understanding, they were very close. Just like I was with my mother.

[♪ Listening to: "Calling You" (Live) - Céline Dion]

Posted by Shawn at 10:12 PM in .
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Last night was a night I really needed my mother. I wanted to tell her how my day at school was. I wanted to cry on her when I found out something last night that ended up depressing me. But guess what? She wasn't there. I lost it. I'm am just full of anger right now that I don't want to turn into hate. Really, it's so tough. My mother would let me get it out and show me why I shouldn't hate.

Last night, I ended up calling one of my mother's oldest friends. I hadn't spoken to her in years. I just needed someone to talk to. Actually, all of my mother's friend said if I need anything, to call them. I think they are aware that my mother was my best friend. I love my family, but no one else can do the job of my mother.

Just before I went to sleep, I started thinking. I hope when I get married, my mother-in-law, if she's alive, is a nice woman that is willing to adopt me as her own. My mother and Grandma never got along well. I don't want that for me. I hope I get a mother-in-law that sees the sweet, simple person I really am. I hope she sees a girl that still needs and wants motherly advice. I hope she sees me not as a girl stealing her son, but as a new daughter.

Tonight, I have a date. It's a date with my father. We're planning on watching Apollo 13. He's going to bring in his surround sound system from the trailer, hopefully. Then, we're watching the movie in its IMAX version on the HDTV of his. At least my dad is a good man. There are good men out there, but it seems none interested in me like I wish. Whoever I end up with, he'll need to love all of me. He'll need to be strong enough to help me through my problems. He'll accept me for who I am. To paraphrase Alanis, "[He'll] see all my light and [he'll] love my dark."

Well, I need to be going. I have to see a professor in an hour.

[♪ Listening to: "You Keep Me Hangin' On" - Kim Wilde]

Posted by Shawn at 09:56 AM in General.
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Last night's coloring experiment worked. I didn't get all of my hair. Nicki noticed a bit of hair that was still a bit light. Let's call that chunk a highlight. The rest of my hair is now a dark blond. My roots aren't as noticeable with the coloring. I felt much more like myself after washing the coloring out. I feel like me again. I think with my hair, I'll try to keep it this shade or darker.

Other good news from last night. Beth came home. For those that don't know, she ran away last week to a friend's home. In the time she was gone, she lost her job. But, she applied for other jobs. My father checked up on her at school during this time to make she got there. Nicki was really the only one that kept in contact directly with her. However, she did come last night. She spoke to my dad a bit, took a shower, and then went to bed. She came back with her hair dyed black. I think the most excited person to see her was PupPup.

Have I mentioned PupPup? Well, if I haven't, let me say she's a little Jack Russell-like terrier my mother found just before her death. Beth's claimed the dog as her own. She tried to take the dog when she ran away, but the dog decided to stay home. (Smart dog!) As soon as Beth was in the house, PupPup followed her all around the house.

Okay, time for the Thursday Threesome:

Onesome: "Please-- join us for a light dinner and some conversation." If you were coordinating a group of say, the thirty or so regulars here, where would you like to have them meet in your area to be able to spend some time talking and eating? You know, I'm not sure. Probably Carey Hilliard's, like every other dang event in town is hosted at.

Twosome: be-- my Valentine? Yes, it's early, but do you have 'traditional" dinner plans for that holiday (or the time around it)? ...or if you don't, where would you like to go? Hey, at this point, it's just another damn day for me. (I know, Misbah!) The holiday means nothing to me at the moment considering how my life is at the moment.

Threesome: Seated-- Hmmm... Table or booth? Do you have a preference when you go out to eat? Just wondering... I'll sit where they sit me, except not in the smoking section, if I can avoid it.

[♪ Listening to: "Partout Je Te Vois" - Céline Dion]

Posted by Shawn at 02:49 PM in General, Thursday Threesome.
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You tell a random stranger something, and they tell you a new perspective. After school today, I had to stop at Food Lion and get some shampoo. I also picked up some hair color, since the application my mother did has since faded. As I was checking out, the girl remarked I was getting all nice and such. I said a negative comment in reply. She turned it into a positive to turn the focus of my life back to myself. So, at the moment, I'm sitting down on the computer waiting for the time to wash the coloring out of my hair. This is my first time ever doing the color application on my own. I don't know how it will turn out. Hopefully, my hair will be darker.

Turn the focus of my life back to myself. Let's see, I did that today. I enjoy Astronomy class. I might take the 3000 version offered in the summer. Between Astronomy and S&D;, I worked on my Astronomy homework, completing the biography I worked on yesterday. After that, I read a chapter of my S&D; book and answered the question on the class's online forum. I figure with all the free time I'll be having at school this semester, I should spend said time on school work. Now, to get into a pattern. I've got to work on one for Oceanography and Economics.

During S&D; class, I started thinking about my schedule. I will be taking summer classes after all. By doing that, I should be ready to graduate by next spring. I am ready to get out of school. I just have to stay focus on that goal now.

Okay, I think it's time to take the color out.

[♪ Listening to: "The Lover After Me" - Savage Garden]

Posted by Shawn at 08:33 PM in General.
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I need a joke, advice, anything cheerful. I need anything to get me through my pain. I just want someone to tell it's going to be okay. I need someone to tell me I'll get everything I've ever wanted. I need rest assurance.

At the moment, one raging question is burning in my mind. What's the matter with me? It's one I can completely answer and not be able to answer at the same time.

Let me tell you, depression sucks! I wish I wasn't a moody person who wears her heart on her sleeve and on her face. At times, I wish I were a stone-cold bitch. Instead, I'm just a person that feels things too intensely.

Well, good news has developed in my family. Nicki found another job, hopefully with stable hours. She's happy. At least someone in our happy is. I wish I was. I honestly believe my depression is only going to get worse before it gets better.

[♪ Listening to: "Where Are You" - Amy Grant]

Posted by Shawn at 12:06 PM in General.
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I'm tired of the external and internal mind games and conflicts in my life. I'm tired of feeling utterly alone. I'm tired of being told if I need anything, just ask, when full well the two things I want, no one can ever just give me. I'm tired of having to act like a strong person. By 3:30 today, I was ready to scream. I wanted to let all my emotions out.

At the moment, I'm coping with 2 distinct and unrelated things. One is the lost of my mother. The other is rejection in general. I went to school today with makeup. I guess dressing up my face is my way of handling the changes and emotions in my life. I don't know I had a good talk with a friend early this afternoon. She thinks I need to get out. I had another conversation with a classmate. I told her I want to run away. I want to run far away and start over again. It's not practical to run away. I have too much invested in schooling. I may get to graduate in a year.

I don't feel like I'm strong. People say I've been. They don't know the truth. I'm not strong. I'm thisclose to a breakdown.

I'm lost. That's all I can say.

[♪ Listening to: "Be The Girl" - Aslyn]

Posted by Shawn at 07:51 PM in General.
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"The Big Guy With The Pony Tail." In all actuality, that term only came into play today after IT class today. A few of us were discussing the Computer Ethics class and the class's different professors. I brought up the fact Mike had Chris, the head of the CSEMS scholarships. It seems he's one of the few in the IT department most of the other students only recognize from his looks, not his name. I have to take the ethics class, too, but not until next fall or summer. I'll need to take it in addition to E-Commerce and Client/Service Systems, which are offered in the fall. Plus, I need to get into UNIX & Secure Web Development. I really want that class as one of my electives. Maybe I'll be on my way to graduation a year from today.

Today was the first day of Systems Analysis and Design, and it went over well. The professor knew just about all of us. I've never had him before, but he's seen me around campus and had my brother in one of his classes last semester. So, as he was going down the roll, he recognized me, too. We're to have a group assignment in this class. I think the professor is going to assign the groups. I hope I don't get stuck with one of the members of the IT department's own Frat Pack. There's only one member of the group I just can't like, because, well, he's always been a jerk. He has never shown a redeeming quality in the 3 or so classes we've been in together. The other members of the Frat Pack aren't too bad once you get them away from each other. I have interacted with them in other capacities. They aren't that bad, really. Also in this class is another student I've only heard horror stories about. Seems he's very lazy. He made a remark tonight that he was upset another classmate sat in the front, since it made it harder for him to cheat off her. I hope I'm not in his group, either.

Today was also the first day for Wesley lunch. I'm surprised I got through it without crying. Today's sermon was about "Pay Attention." Earlier in the day, I went through my "Christmas Vacation Was Hell, But I'm Fine" story twice. The head of the IT department commended me on my holding it all together earlier that morning. Yes, word got around to the head of the IT department. Today would have been my parents' 30th anniversary. I think I did enough crying yesterday to get me through today. Other than that, lunch was fine.

I also had my first full day of Astronomy class. My first homework assignment is a one-page biography on an astronaut that's due Friday. Maybe I can write the biography on Barbara R. Morgan. In class, we went over the electromagnetic spectrum. It amazed me not many in the class knew that green light waves are hotter than a simple microwave.

I'm off to finish today's work on the Richard Marx Discography.

[♪ Listening to: "Hands Clean" - Alanis Morissette]

Posted by Shawn at 09:26 PM in General, Schooling.
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That Michael Jackson song has been in my mind a lot lately. I know people are meaning well with their e-mails and phone calls, but at the moment, I'm just ready to scream! I don't know how much longer I can take it all! When do I recover my self? When do I go back to being just Shawn? I'm not getting after anyone for contacting me. I will reply to the e-mails and answer the phone calls. I guess I just want some space to be myself again.

In other news, today is my first day of Systems Analysis and Design. The WebCT for the class is already posted online, so I checked the roster for the class. I've been in class with about 15 of the 25 students. The others I have no clue who they are. Maybe I've been in class with them, or maybe I haven't. I also have my first day of Astronomy class. The first Wesley lunch begins, so I'll be going to that.

Well, I guess I need to reply to my e-mails I have backed up at the moment. I finally have time to do so.

[♪ Listening to: "Don't Turn Around" - Ace Of Base]

Posted by Shawn at 09:23 AM in General, Schooling.
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Yesterday, I spent most of my dad catching up with old Internet friends. It felt good. This morning, I'm feeling lost again. I'm not feeling lost from finding the old friends; I feel lost because I'm uncertain about my life. I know I have college and the fact I will complete it. Other than that, I don't know.

Will I ever be loved for who I am? Will someone ever appreciate me? Am I meant to be alone my whole life? Why is it we have trouble getting over the things that hurt us the most? Why do I always feel vulnerable?

Hey, at least I don't have a 7 foot boa constrictor stuck in the dashboard of my 1991 Subaru Loyale.

[♪ Listening to: "Sailing" - *NSYNC]

Posted by Shawn at 01:50 PM in General.
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The Richard Marx Discography has been updated today. Another fan sent me a bunch of scans of singles and promos I don't have in my collection. I took the scans, resized them and added them to the list. The main object of the whole discography is that I want one central location for Richard's discography. There are several on the web, but most of them only list the albums, not the singles and other albums he's appeared on. This discography has that stuff listed. Believe it or not, I've only mentioned it on the board and my site. It's the number one result for Richard Marx Discography on Yahoo. It's 4^th on Google.

In addition to updating that discography, I need to update my personal CD collection list. I finally got Child Of The Promise yesterday. Amazon Marketplace is my friend. It's a Christmas CD with Richard singing a bit part. It mainly contains Christian artists, like Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith, but there are names that are big outside of the Christian market, like Donna Summer and Vince Gill. Now, I just have to wait on my other two Marketplace purchases.

[♪ Listening to: "The Distance" - Evan and Jaron]

Posted by Shawn at 02:22 PM in General.
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