The Darkness
http://www.thedarknessrock.com
styles: hard rock, joke rock, hair metal revival
others: Poison, Quiet Riot, Queen, Iron Maiden, AC/DC
 One
Way Ticket To Hell...And Back
Atlantic, 2005
rating: 0/5
reviewer: filmore mescalito holmes
Why, Gawd...why? First my whole family is suicide-bombed by a radical
faction of Nickelback fans, now this. And as I gaze upon the cover of
One Way Ticket and cringe at the accidental sighting of the retards in
leotards responsible for it therein, I can't help but envision the
upcoming apocalypse with an unnerving sense of justification. You don't
have to look far to see that stupidity runs deep in The Darkness. The
title of the self-proclaimed hardest working band in the world's second
album alone should send a chill through your spine like the icy hand of
death. A one way ticket anywhere and back is not a one way ticket,
geniuses... but will their even more hardworking fans notice? Watch the
sales figures swell and see the confirmation of Nostradamus' nightmares.
As such, the true success of The Darkness is directly hinged on Western
society's glorification of stupidity at any cost (hence "Jackass," Tom
Green, Paris Hilton, "Big Brother," President Bush, etc.). How else could
it be possible that a band who would write a song called "Knockers" could
win a "songwriters of the year" award (Ivor Novello)? Jesus, people.
I'm often explained that the justification for The Darkness' existence is
because people are tired of such-and-such genre or whatever shite
corporate-made rock/pop fad. So why is shit a good excuse for more shit?
Is this why Bush got his second term? What is it with humankind's inborn
socio-political masochistic tendencies?
To answer the many claims that lead squealer Justin Hawkins is just a bad
Freddie Mercury rip-off, The Darkness hired Queen producer Roy Thomas
Baker to further sharpen their sound beyond mere plagiaristic hackery to
pristine "Weird" Al parody perfection. So the mission statement of this CD
is clear; this is a product made by the emotionally and culturally sterile
for people who either have no conception of love, depression, or any other
emotional state outside of pop culture cliché, or those so desperate for
entertainment that they would deceive themselves into thinking the
feckless chicanery of this masturbatory ensemble resembles soulful
expression in any way. This is not even really "rock." While "rock" is a
music genre, The Darkness is, always has been, and will always be
consumable entertainment first, a misunderstood joke second, and clever
never.
This whole thing is the brainchild of the previously mentioned Justin
"Crotch Burn" Hawkins, a horrible, leg-humping twit who (in the Christmas
2005 issue of Spin) blames his record label for his debut selling
less than half of the copies sold in his native UK in the larger US
market. There he's quoted as saying, in true Michael Jackson versus Sony
fashion, "[Atlantic] dropped the ball on us completely, stopped promoting
us. I've got nothing against them, but they cocked it up." Since he claims
The Darkness is the best band in the world at every photo opportunity, if
that was remotely true, you'd think even modest promotion would prove it
so instead of the exact opposite. Hawkins never was one to make
connections like this, visible in how the page where he discusses not
recording with Shania Twain producer Mutt Lange because he thought Hawkins
"was gay, or camp" faces a picture of the flaming pubes tattooed Hawkins
riding a stuffed Siegfried & Roy royal white tiger over the audience while
wearing a skin-tight one-piece jumpsuit... which, at least from an image
standpoint, is about as gay and camp as you can possibly get,
post-Liberace. As such, The Darkness are to music what the WWE is to
wrestling.
Hawkins, reputed to be the best looking lead singer since Mick Jagger, is
right to hold reservations about Americans confusing the message of the
opening title track, though, and understandably so. It's supposed to be a
"music: my anti-drug" type of song. But, after the Ricola pan flute intro,
there's a really keen stereophonic straw sniffing medley which dissolves
into the typically derivative hair metal guitars, all too eerily
remembering that late '80s era of spectacular coke use and the fashion,
intelligence, and music that discharged out of it. The cover itself
depicts a train that seems to be heading out of Meatloaf's Bat Out Of
Hell II: Back Into Hell, so this project is next to impossible to take
seriously. When you think about the likes of 50 Cent, you can see that The
Darkness probably are just a bit of harmless fun; but so is jerking off,
and that won't cost you fifteen bucks. Either way, just make sure we can't
hear you.
1. One Way Ticket
2. Knockers
3. Is It Just Me?
4. Dinner Lady Arms
5. Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time
6. Hazel Eyes
7. Bald
8. Girlfriend
9. English Country Garden
10. Blind Man
 Permission
To Land
Atlantic, 2003
rating: 4.5/5
reviewer: jean-pierre
You will hear a lot about The Darkness over the coming weeks and months. You
will undoubtedly read about the spandex, the irony, the falsetto vocals and the
massive production. If there’s any justice, you’ll hear a song of theirs on the
radio with a title like "Get Your Hands Off Of My Woman" or "Love On The Rocks
(With No Ice)," and you’ll ask yourself if this is a joke.
I’ve had over a month to digest Permission To Land, the debut album from
England’s biggest band of the moment, The Darkness and what I’ve come to realize
is that it is for real and unlike nearly all albums from this year, it’s
the first I’ve heard in ages that I’ve been overwhelmed by. Lead singer Justin
Hawkins and his brother Dan along with bassist Frankie Poullain and drummer Ed
Graham have come up with a monster of an album. This is not cheesy hair metal.
This is Queen. This is Iron Maiden. This is AC/DC.
Permission To Land has one of the biggest rock sounds recorded in nearly a
decade. Huge riffs and two (TWO) guitar solos are not uncommon on ballads such
as "Love Is Only A Feeling" and the epic closer, "Holding My Own." The full-on
rock songs are all capable of being singles which in the UK has propelled this
album to numero one for the past four weeks. Back in January, the band was
playing to empty barstools.
"Epic" is indeed the key word of this review. This album is big and despite what
you may think, The Darkness are sincere and for real. Listen to Permission To
Land several times before you make up your mind...and pray this doesn’t spawn
imitators.
1. Black Shuck
2. Get Your Hands Off My Woman
3. Growing on Me
4. I Believe in a Thing Called Love
5. Love Is Only a Feeling
6. Givin' Up
7. Stuck in a Rut
8. Friday Night
9. Love on the Rocks With No Ice
10. Holding My Own
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