Posted 4:47 AM by snotglass
Liberals Need an Education

You liberals fail to appreciate the intellectual diversity offered by Hillsdale College. The Republican Party is the party of ideas, while you liberals remain mired in your stale ideology.

Hillsdale College exemplifies the current flowering of conservative thought and ideas. From the college’s Charles Ponzi School of Finance to the Albert Packer Dietary Institute, conservative scholars are free explore ideas without the oppressive and stifling mantle of liberal political correctness.

Recent research conducted by celebrated educator and author Jonah Goldberg confirms the free nature of intellectual pursuit at Hillsdale. “Conservative philosophy thrives in an environment where thought is unencumbered by factual assumptions.”

You liberals need an education.

Posted 2:49 PM by snotglass
Help is on the Way

In a bold effort to correct eight years of liberal mismanagement of the US Army under the failed Clinton administration, our popularly elected wartime President’s defense secretary has selected a competent replacement for defeatist liberal and Clinton political appointee General Eric Shinseki.

After an exhaustive search for a competent replacement, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, chief architect of President George W. Bush’s decisive victory in the Battle of Iraq, has selected retired General Peter Shoomaker to bring the Army into the 21st Century. Recent analysis by the Joshua Milton Blahyi Special Warfare Center at the American Enterprise Institute has shown that the Army relies too much on outdated tactics, equipment and personnel policies. Unless radical changes are made quickly, the Army will be unable to meet the security challenges posed by the threat of terrorism.

Independent research by noted author and professor of military science Jonah Goldberg has corroborated these findings. His research has discovered that the Army is mainly prepared to fight conventional conflicts involving tanks, artillery and infantry. “The Army is shockingly unprepared to meet future conflict. Shinseki’s recent statement that ‘hundreds of thousands’ of American troops might be ties down in Iraq for many years just shows that his thinking and training are out of step with the President’s bold vision for the future.”

The President needs generals who share his strategic ideals.

Posted 6:20 PM by snotglass
The President strengthens Iraqi democracy

In a bold demonstration of his intellectual agility, our elected wartime President, George W. Bush, has strengthened the foundations of democracy by terminating the liberal practice of confiscating firearms from law-abiding Iraqi gun owners. Relying on the constitutional guarantee to keep and bear arms, eternally enshrined in the Second Amendment of our sacred Constitution, the President's policy decision brings further freedom to the recently liberated Iraqi people.

It has also become clear that the damage done to our armed forces during by rabidly anti-military Clinton administration has seriously hampered our President's efforts to restore stability to Iraq. Recent analysis by the non-partisan Admiral Byng Center for Military Policy at the Heritage Foundation reveals serious shortcomings in the Army's ability to conduct stabilization operations, which were virtually ignored during the Clinton administration.

You liberals need to start reading history.

Posted 12:45 PM by snotglass
Liberals need to get a grip

Our elected wartime President, George W. Bush, and his experienced team of foreign policy and defense experts, have made spectacular progress in restoring order to the liberated people of Iraq. After a brief period of liberation celebrations by free Iraqis, similar to the spontaneous demonstrations of gratitude expressed by joyous German civilians to the young American GI’s who liberated Aachen in 1945.

But these successes are being cynically and shamelessly distorted by the sensationalist liberal media, shrill leftist academics, leftist Hollywood elites, and desperate Democrat politicians. Seeking to divide the nation when our adversaries have made war on us, their motives are questionable.

Recent studies by the General Jacob Smith Center for Military-Civil Affairs at the American Enterprise Institute show that the President’s team has developed a dynamic roadmap for success in liberation operations. After correcting the military deficiencies of the failed Clinton administration, which corrupted the fighting spirit of our armed forces in fruitless and unsuccessful “peacekeeping” campaigns in Bosnia, Macedonia, Haiti and Kosovo, American soldiers under the bold leadership of President Bush can undertake future regional operations with confidence, especially if the Terrorists of Tehran refuse to come clean about their connections to Al Qaeda, their weapons of mass destruction, or comply with all future United Nations resolutions, if applicable.

These findings have been verified by veteran combat journalist and celebrated author Jonah Goldberg, embedded with the lead elements of the Heritage Foundation’s elite Balangiga Brigade. “With a few exceptions of vandalism and petty theft,” said Goldberg, “the Battle of Iraq is over.” Goldberg also reported that his unit is spoiling for its next mission.

You liberals better get ready for the next mission, too.

Posted 2:37 PM by snotglass
Liberals better start praying

Our elected wartime President has proclaimed today, Memorial Day, as a national Day of Prayer. Across America, at 11:00 local, inspired by the example of our President, partiotic Americans will remember the sacrifices of our soldiers and sailors by devoting a thankful moment of prayer to the Almighty.

Research by the Beverly Russell School of Divinity at the Heritage Foundation has demonstrated the beneficial effects of public piety in developing a healthy and prosperous society. Independent study by noted theologian Jonah Goldberg supports these findings. "Scripture teaches us that prayer coupled with tax cuts will stimulate the American economy and deter international terrorism."

You liberals need some real divine inspiration.

Posted 1:28 PM by snotglass
Liberals are out of touch

Patriotic Americans have overwhelmingly demonstrated their unqualified support of our popular elected wartime President, George W. Bush. President Bush has achieved stunning and historic victories through the successful liberation of Iraq and diplomatic triumph over the corrupt socialist regimes of France and Germany. Domestically, the President has ensured full recovery from the Clinton recession through his bold Jobs and Growth Tax Reconciliation Act of 2003, which will stimulate the great American economy by providing carefully targeted tax relief to those working Americans who can create consumer demand As our President explained his visionary policy, “When people have extra take-home pay, there's greater demand for goods and services. And employers will need more workers to meet that demand.”

In the War on Terror, the terrorists are on the run and President Bush and our fine soldiers are on the hunt. The discovery of mass graves proves the necessity of invading Iraq, and completely discredits those weak liberals who demanded endless inspections just as they whined for endless and unconstitutional recounts after President Bush’s decisive election in 2000.

Now liberals and the media elites are complaining about the administration of liberated Iraq. But recent research by the prestigious Francois Bigot Institute for Civil Administration at the American Enterprise Institute proves that by entrusting the post-war future of Iraq to the proven skills of America’s top corporate institutions and business leaders, President Bush has demonstrated a firm commitment to America’s security and the profitable future of the Iraqi people.

Independent analysis by noted economist Jonah Goldberg fully supports these findings. “The President is bringing his vast experience as a successful businessman, as well as a honorable military veteran, directly to the war front,” said Goldberg. “This administration has wisely deployed the strategic assets of the corporate community in support of a vigorous American foreign policy.”

Liberals can redeem themselves and demonstrate their patriotism here like other good Americans.

Posted 7:20 PM by snotglass
Liberals hate our troops

Several malcontent retired generals, exploited in their dotage by the sensationalist liberal media and failing to understand the fundamentals of modern warfare, have recently criticized the bold strategy of our elected President, George W. Bush, in securing the safety of the United States and the liberation of the oppressed people of Iraq. These media grubbing armchair experts are actively assisting the unpatriotic socialist defeatists who support the tyranny of Saddam Hussein and his terrorist allies.

However, recent research conducted by conservative scholars at the prestigious George Charles Bingham Center for Strategic Studies at the American Enterprise Institute confirm the compassionate wisdom of our popular wartime President’s historic roll into Baghdad. “The goal is to help win the hearts and minds of the people. For the average Iraqi citizen, life is pretty much normal other than the sirens going off and the occasional torture building disintegrating in a flash like the French army in 1940,” said one respected analyst.

According to independent research conducted by noted military strategist and battle-hardened veteran Jonah Goldberg, the President and his elite foreign policy team have achieved another significant victory, bringing the war within measurable distance of its end.

You liberals should support our troops.