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Jesus' General
An 11 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

 


Saturday, June 24, 2006

OK, one more. I can't help myself.  

A homosexual pushes his agenda in the Heartland.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 9:28 PM  
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Here's another  

Deputy Leader Dick's hunting buddies.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 8:30 AM  
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God's Own Party  

On the campaign trail with James Broadwater.


posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 5:08 AM  
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I was a Negro for the FBI  

Alberto Gonzales
Inquisitor General of the United States

Dear General Gonzales,

You're doing a heck of a job, Alberto. It ain't an easy thing to keep the nation's fear level up at the levels required to convince voters to re-elect free-market congressman like Jerry Lewis, Denny Hastert, and Bob Ney. Rants about Muslim devils in the media and on the internet just don't scare people as much as they use to.

But you've changed that with the arrest of the Miami Seven. You've picked a target that scares the living daylights out of the average resident of the suburbs and the heartland. You've added young, black, impoverished, urban males to the terrorist profile. Nobody scares suburbia more than an angry black man.

It was a brilliant move. Catching them is easy. Certainly, there is no shortage of anger in the inner-cities against the system, a system in which young black men are denied the opportunities shared by the rest of society. The hopelessness that pervades ghettos like Liberty City makes it easy for an agent of the State Security Apparatus to find people who are eager to discuss their dreams of committing violence against what they see as their oppressors. The hard part is finding the resources needed to sweep them all up. There are just too many of them.

Perhaps you should get together with Michelle Malkin and create a plan to beef up security around our urban ghettos. You know, make them look more like old school ghettos like the one our ideological predecessors built in Warsaw about 65 years ago. All of the work she's done advocating concentration camps would be very helpful, don't you think?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Taylor Marsh provides more evidence that terrorists dig ninja outfits. It's a theory I've written about before:

State Security Apparatus nabs ninja-clad possible terrorist

American tourists report ninja-costumed terrorist mimes to Scotland Yard

Coast Guard warns public to look out for ninja-clad beach-going terrorists.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 1:28 AM  
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Friday, June 23, 2006

Jam It In Your Craw  

My favorite lyricist, mortaljive, teamed up with my favorite songwriter, Mentata, to create this new conservative anthem.

Damn, I have talented readers. This song is great.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 3:23 AM  
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MySpace guy loves Our Leader inappropriately  

Who is this JokeLine at MySpace, anyway? He seems to love Our Leader a little too much.



His "body language—let's call it the full jaunty...he seemed downright frothy...He called the new Iraqi Defense Minister an "interesting cat" and Abu Mousab al-Zarqawi, the deceased al-Qaeda leader, "a dangerous dude." Bush had reason, finally, to strut."





The Others
I know he hates G. Gordon and Tweety. They are slutty whoreboys.

And don't visit Jesus' General. I don't think he really loves Arbusto.

Who I'd like to meet:
him in the alcove next to the Oval Office. I'd wear a blue dress. He'd bring cigars.


Read the rest of his profile.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 3:01 AM  
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Thursday, June 22, 2006

Anschluss II: The Sequel  

Susan R. McCaw
US Ambassador to Austria

Dear Ambassador McCaw,

I know you're very busy with Our Leader's visit and the summit and all, but I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated how you introduced the President at yesterday's "Meet and Greet" with the embassy staff*. I'm sure that by calling him "Our Leader" (Unser Führer in German), you brought a few nostalgic smiles to some of the older, more conservative Austrian staffers even if it did shock most everyone else in attendance.

I hope you taped it so you could see who gasped and who came to attention by clicking their heels together. That'll be very helpful when you're considering things like bonuses and promotions.

I assume that you contracted with Haliburton to create little mementos of this historic visit. If not, I'm enclosing a graphic that you could use on postcards. It's an homage to a famous pre-war era photograph from Germany. I hope you like it.

Heterosexually yours in a way of which my wife, Ofjoshua, would approve,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot



*I received this information from someone who was at the meeting. I've known this person for quite awhile and I trust him or her. I emailed the embassy hoping to get written confirmation. They haven't replied.

For those of you who don't recognize the name. Susan R. McCaw is the wife of cellular mogul Craig McCaw.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 12:54 AM  
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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Proud to live in Our Leader's America  

So Our Leader ordered the CIA to torture a mentally ill man in order to "save face." And perhaps the psychotic rantings we beat out of him sent our state security apparatus out on fruitless (unless you count the election year political value) goose chases. We should remember that often, Our Leader's holy inquisitors plied their trade in ways that should fill us with pride:

Two young sons of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the September 11 attacks, are being used by the CIA to force their father to talk.

Yousef al-Khalid, 9, and his brother, Abed al-Khalid, 7, were taken into custody in Pakistan in September when intelligence officers raided a flat in Karachi where their father had been hiding.

Mohammed fled just hours before the raid but his sons and another senior al-Qaeda member were found cowering behind a wardrobe in the apartment.

[...]

"He has said very little so far," a CIA official said on Saturday. "He sits in a trance-like state and recites verses from the Koran. But while he may claim to be a devout Muslim, we know he is fond of the Western-style fast life. His sons are important to him. The promise of their release and their return to Pakistan may be the psychological lever we need to break him."


posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 1:20 AM  
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My head is swollen like a casaba melon  

I've wanted to say that ever since I first heard some long forgotten Catskill comic say it on the Ed Sullivan show. It sounded very exotic and New York to my young rural Utah ears. That was really the miracle of television. It brought the Catskills to Tremonton.

Now that I can truthfully say that my head is swollen like a casaba melon, I'm very disappointed to learn from Ofjoshua that it isn't some kind of mystical Jewish fruit. But, at least I have the vicodin.

And as long as I'm rambling, think about sending Taylor Marsh a few bucks.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 1:04 AM  
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Democratunists live in foreign places  

I can't believe it. The Democratunists are encouraging Americans who live overseas--people contaminated with alien ideas--to register and vote.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 12:11 AM  
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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Fox is Down with the Death Squads  

Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel

Dear Mr. Ailes,

I know you're working very hard to get the good news out about Iraq, but it seems like fewer and fewer people are buying it. Perhaps you're using the wrong approach. After all, stories about captured or killed #2 Al Qaeda leaders are becoming the cable news equivalent of emailed schemes to share Nigerian fortunes, and your positive coverage of the newly minted government can't seem to compete with the ever increasing indications that Iraq is the grips of a civil war.

And it's that last part that is the most troubling. Nearly all of the pundits, no matter where they fall in the cable news ideological spectrum, from right-wing conservative to hard-right ultra-conservative, bloviate about civil war as if it is a bad thing, when, in reality, it's the only part of Our Leader's Iraq plan that is performing as expected.

Fox News should be touting sectarian violence as the huge policy success it is. It's only been a couple of years since John Negroponte first began applying everything he learned in the Reagan-era killing fields of Central America to Iraq, arming and training quasi-official Shia militia groups with names like the Scorpion Brigade, the Wolf Brigade, and the Fearless Warriors just as he had armed and trained the ARENA death squads of El Salvador two decades earlier. Before long, the "Salvador Option," as he called it, started to bear fruit. Morgues throughout the country began to overflow with the bodies of the disappeared, each bearing marks of torture and execution. Now that it is evolving into full fledged ethnic cleansing and civil war, it is only a matter of time until the troublesome Sunnis, like the Mayans of Guatemala, are no longer a problem.

But how do we tell this success story? Years of indoctrination by bleeding heart leftists have soured the public's opinion regarding death squads and genocide. We need to turn that around, and who better than Fox News to do it.

I'm thinking of an extended news/reality series in which Fox personalities are embedded with the Wolf Brigade. We could call it Down with the Death Squads. I love that title. It has ironic value in that it means the opposite of the old commie chant, "Down with imperialism." It's also very hip--the kids use "down" to mean "supportive of" these days. It provides another dimension to the hipness Bill O'Reilly already brings to Fox.

Anyway, in each episode, cameras would follow one of your personalities from his or her first day of training to the moment he or she tortures and executes some unfortunate taxi driver. Picture Brit Hume applying electrodes to his captive's nipples or a bare-chested Bill O'Reilly beating a guy to death. That's compelling television, but more importantly, it tell's the story of our greatest success, the triumph of American values in the war to bring freedom and democracy to the brown people.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 12:08 AM  
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Monday, June 19, 2006

The time of tribulation has begun  



Corrente explains.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 6:49 PM  
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Victory: The Week in Pictures  

June 11-18, 2006













posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 1:05 AM  
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Turning the corner  

Just as Our Leader's Iraq policy is bringing peace to Land of Abraham, so is my immune system turning the tide against the Islamivirus invaders who are ravaging my body. As Dr. Dick might say just before shooting me in the face, I have turned the corner despite the way I may look and feel. In other words, I feel like shit.

That's about all I'm up to writing tonight and the General left the building after reading this:

A PDF copy of the cable shows that it was sent to the SecState in Washington, D.C. from "AMEmbassy Baghdad" on June 6. The typed name at the very bottom is Khalilzad -- the name of the U.S. Ambassador, though it is not known if this means he wrote the memo or merely approved it.

The subject of the memo is: "Snapshots from the Office -- Public Affairs Staff Show Strains of Social Discord."

As a footnote in one of the 23 sections, the embassy relates, "An Arab newspaper editor told us he is preparing an extensive survey of ethnic cleansing, which he said is taking place in almost every Iraqi province, as political parties and their militiast are seemingly engaged in tit-for-tat reprisals all over Iraq."

Among the other troubling reports:

-- "Personal safety depends on good relations with the 'neighborhood' governments, who barricade streets and ward off outsiders. The central government, our staff says, is not relevant; even local mukhtars have been displaced or coopted by militias. People no longer trust most neighbors."

-- One embassy employee had a brother-in-law kidnapped. Another received a death threat, and then fled the country with her family.

-- Iraqi staff at the embassy, beginning in March and picking up in May, report "pervasive" harassment from Islamist and/or militia groups. Cuts in power and rising fuel prices "have diminished the quality of life." Conditions vary but even upscale neighborhoods "have visibly deteriorated" and one of them is now described as a "ghost town."


Go read the rest of it. Then follow it up with these posts by Digby and Larry Johnson.

posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot | 12:40 AM  
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