FreeBSDGirl.com

I wasn’t planning on writing this right now. It’s not exactly the ideal time. I’m lying in my ex-husband’s house (well, soon to be ex-husband) on his new couch in the dark at 12:04 AM when I know I should be sleeping. I was sleeping about 10 minutes ago, or at least on the verges of sleep when everything melts down to the fuzzy and confused place I go when I’m right between sleep and awake. I laid down here with the best of intentions. I was going to write, but my eyes started closing, and my laptop seemed like entirely too much effort to reach for. I’m recovering from being sick; I need my sleep. I’m sure you understand. I went to sleep with my hand just a few inches from my phone. It wasn’t on purpose. I keep my phone near me at all times. It’s a habit of mine, and I’ve been especially neurotic about it the past 2 months, with good reason.

As I was saying, I wasn’t planning on writing this right now, but my phone rang, and I’m awake. 6 minutes and 4 seconds on the phone, and my mind is more active than I wish it was. It’s 12:08 AM now. I really should be asleep.

This story, although it involves a boy, doesn’t revolve around a boy. It’s my story, too, which makes that all the more surprising. If you’ve read this for a while or if you know me at all (and you probably think you do), you know that this is abnormal. Most of my drama centers around a boy. Most of my life decisions have been made based around boys. It’s a fault of mine; I know. I tend to get swept up in the moment. I’m more dramatic than I have any right to be. As much as I plan out every aspect of my life in graphs and charts and bulleted lists, all of it gets thrown to the side when I get caught up in the moment. I’d say I’m getting better, but that line always reminded me of the not-quite-dead man in Monty Python. So let’s just say, I haven’t given up hope yet.

I’m taking a long time to even get started. I think I need to ramble. I need to let myself build up to the point, because I haven’t entirely decided what the point is. I don’t even know what the story is. I’m just typing as I go. I was thinking about this and talking to myself in the drive over here, earlier. Driving has always been one of the most relaxing times of day for me. It was until I broke my car, that is. Driving hella fast on the Interstate singing along with the music of the moment - it’s a great time to puzzle out whatever is on my mind. It’s soothing to me. I just told my Powerbook to ‘Learn Spelling’ of ‘hella’. I feel like I just did something wrong.

I stopped smoking this morning. When Mike was driving me to work, we stopped at the dumpster at my apartment complex, and I made a little ceremony of tossing out my last 2 packs of Djarum Blacks. I might have thought a little longer about doing this if I had realized that I was actually addicted to smoking. On second thought, if I knew I was addicted, I probably would have stopped a long time ago. I deplore the thought of being addicted to something. Really, it’s not as big a deal as you’d think. Quitting smoking was more symbolic to me than anything else. I’ve been bitchy and on edge all day, but I do a good job of keeping it in. People on IRC suffer my +b rage, but the negative energy has to flow somewhere.

While I was driving here, I thought about the reasons I quit smoking. Inconvenience was a part of it. There’s only 4 places I can list off the top of my head that sell my cloves here in Atlanta. I have a hard enough time making it to my mailbox on a regular basis, much less some smoke shop. Money was also no small influence in my decision. Now that I’ve taken such a large pay cut, I really can’t afford the $4-$6/pack that’s charged, regardless of how little I smoke. Health may have been a factor, but I can’t say that it was on my mind when I threw the cigarettes away. I think the main reason I quit was for Mike. He’s working so hard on cleaning up his life and getting rid of all the negative things surrounding him; when I look at him I feel proud of him for trying. He makes me want to be a better person. I won’t say that I want to do these things just for him, because that’s not quite true. I have other reasons that don’t involve him whatsoever that I’m not even going to go into here. I’ve been thinking this for a few days now, and I’m still recovering. Wanting to be a better person because of someone is no small thing, at least not in my book. That said, let’s get on to non-boy-related matters.

The later part of the evening, I was fighting the violent urge I sometimes get. That insane burst of energy where I just want to throw myself against the wall, throw things at people, twirl, scream, dance, whatever. Once again, Alfred’s great all-encompassing word - ‘thrash’. Tonight was definitely a thrash night. I don’t think it was the lack of nicotine. I think it had more to do with the culmination of events. There’s so much going on right now, not just with me but with everyone close to me. I’m trying to be there emotionally for everyone because there’s not much else I can do. It’s taking a lot out of me. I am stressing about little things, I’m crying so easily, I’m being even more unreasonable than usual. The two week unemployment period was no vacation. I should have enjoyed it while it lasted. sigh.

I was fighting this feeling as I was driving home. I kept thinking that even though I threw away all my cigarettes, I have booze, I have other forms of entertainment and intoxication. I resisted, though. This little internal war made me realize something I’d been refusing to face.

Back in 7th grade English AP class, our teacher used to draw the plot of a novel on the white-board, representing the timeline with little mountains. Each big event would have a peak (climax), and you’d of course have the sloping line with supporting events coming down on both sides. I feel like I’m nearing one of those peaks, but I’ve got two lines to choose from when I get to the top. One is going to end in stability; the other in violence and bloodshed. Violence is generally how most things in my life end. Let’s face it: no one gets out of my life until someone gets seriously hurt. Usually the someone is me, although there’s been a notable exception or two.

I feel like I’m headed towards the more positive ending. Especially with Mike around, I think I’m starting to straighten things out. I just want to stand on my own two feet. I want to be stable. I want to have all my shit fixed. I want to be devoid of issues (but then, what will I write about?). I want to be proud of the situation in which I have worked to put myself in. I can’t really say that I have cared that much before about the big picture, but I’m certainly thinking about it now.

I’ve been drug/alcohol free for 13 days. I’ve not had a cigarette in 28 hours. I’m still a shadow of my former self after that bug hit me this weekend, but I’m recovering. I think after it goes away, I might feel pretty good about being me.

Mike just called to wish me good night. Hearing his voice gave me butterflies in my stomach and made me smile. The new-relationship shine (similar to new-car smell) is mostly gone, but I adore him and his voice effects me powerfully bad. I think I can sleep. It’s 12:44 AM now. I lack internet here, so I’ll post this in the morning. It’s nice having a blog to dump things on. It’s like having a shrink, except you don’t have to pay the $200/hour - only the $129/month fee for hosting the server. Next on the agenda, see if Blue Cross/Blue Shield P.P.O. can cover my hosting fees. Rock.

21:30.green__: pf is like a good firewall
21:30.green__: but minus all the good stuff
21:30.green__: but hey
21:30.green__: at least it’s got Theo
21:30.green__: instead of Darren Reed

22:47.sektie: i have found a question that is even better than ‘does this make me look fat?’
22:47.sektie: ‘if i was a guy, would you still love me?’
22:48.illusion: sektie: what’s the response?
22:48.sektie: it’s a good line.
22:48.Kurin: This is why guys don’t like it when girls talk.
22:48.Kurin: Dangerous.
22:49.NeoV: sektie: the correct answer would be: “Yes, but as a friend”
22:49.NeoV:
22:50.Mammut: or
22:50.Mammut: fuck no
22:50.sektie: neov: but that means he doesn’t love me for the person i am
22:50.sektie: he just loves me for my girlparts.
22:50.illusion nods

<jaymz> god, if he exists, which he doesn’t, is clearly a sadistic motherfucker.

<poxy> you freaks are like the penises swarming around a dead woman-carcass

<HexGhost> im going to have to inject cocaine into my dick and masturbate to illegal porn to clear the taste of this local news from my mouth.

Well, to top off a freakishly sucky day, I did somehow manage to get to work at a reasonable time. yay! I was here before the shift lead was, so at least I have that going for me. I’m tired, the night is going slow, and there’s only so many times I can listen to Bjork looping.

IRC is a great place to release angst.

Dad came over to take a look at my car today, but he had no tools. Heh. Well, I guess it’s the thought that counts. We still dont’ know what the problem is, and chances are it’ll be either free or hella expensive to fix. I don’t think there’s going to be a middle ground there.

I did manage to accomplish a few things today. I set up haircut appointments for both Mike and myself. Mike is going to get highlights. hehehehe. Maybe I can talk him into letting me dye them something neat, like purple? Probably not. I don’t really think punkish colors suit him. He’s kind of pacsun/alloy (pre2k). The highlights will look nice though. I was thinking maybe chunky streaks, but he has really pretty hair, so maybe something more subtle will suit him better. Ah, well, I’ll get him to Evolutions and have Lisa take a look at him to figure out what to do. Previous to that, I called Comcast and ordered cable TV. I already have the internet service (way fast, btw. totally recommend them, if you can get past the horrible customer service).

I hate TV. I really do. I think it’s a waste of time and braincells. I mean, I’m not exactly accomplishing anything sitting at home and talking on IRC either, but at least my brain is functioning at some level. I do miss having HBO and MTV2 for background noise though. I ordered the uber-super-mega-cool package with all the channels. And I’m probably only going to watch two. sigh.

I signed up for Netflix today as well. My first movies? Tank Girl, Demolition Man, and Mad Love. Old movies, yes, but some of my favorites. I have Tank Girl and Mad Love on VHS, but I don’t have a VCR, and I left them at Chad’s anyways. I must pick up the HaXXXor DVD as well. I doubt netflix carries that.

My back has been fantabulous all night. I am very happy about that. It is only like 5:20ish so I shouldn’t be speaking so soon, but tonight has been a happy night for me. I wish my freaking work email worked. Sent an email off to MIS telling them ‘plz be reseting my password’, although not so much in those words.

Mike kind of scares me. He’s really social. He knows lots of people. He’s like, the grownup version of popular. wtf? It’s amusing that James turned out to be useful for something, after all. Hm. Note to self: must pay back James the money I owe him. $200? Something like that.

I absolutely must remember to charge my cell phone battery when I get home. I need to find my digital camera as well, because I want to take pictures this Saturday night. Mike and I are going to some roller skating rink that is going to be playing electronica or something. There was a link to it on lunarmagazine. Finally! An excuse to strap on my Salomons and get my skating on. word. I just hope my back does ok that night. I would be hella pissed if that was another bad back night because then I wouldn’t be able to skate and I SO TOTALLY WANT TO SKATE. omg. You really have no idea. Skating is all I’ve been able to think about lately. Well, when I have time to think about random things.

I need to make a list of all the fucked up things about my life and then go through them very systematically and try to fix them. I think I’m losing sight of the end goal and fucking my priorities up. I did make iCal sync with my phone though. That’s step one. Get organized.

I haven’t drank any alcohol in like…a long time. 5 days? more? Something crazy. I am starting to feel scatterbrained. I hope I remembered to turn the stovetop off before I left home. I think I did. Shoot.

15:42.HexGhost: i give up
15:43.sektie: give up?
15:43.sektie: on me?
15:43.sektie: don’t.
15:43.sektie: *sniffle*
15:43.HexGhost: i have no choice
15:44.HexGhost: you’re not my type
15:44.HexGhost: well
15:44.HexGhost: more like, i’m not your type
15:44.sektie: this relationship is over before it even began.
15:44.sektie: how sad.

.: aricon has changed the topic on channel #atlrave to happy b-day to aricon
.: aricon has changed the topic on channel #atlrave to happy b-day to aricon he is 24
.: aricon has changed the topic on channel #atlrave to happy b-day to aricon he is 24and most likely drunl
.: aricon has changed the topic on channel #atlrave to happy b-day to aricon he is 24and most likely drunk
.: aricon has changed the topic on channel #atlrave to happy b-day to aricon he is 24 and most likely drunk
02:39.aricon:

10:44.PopeMike: sektie where you been ime been up all night holy moses beer
and makefiles
10:44.PopeMike: oh out of it
10:44.sektie: popemike: 42 jesus red bookcase cat marker plate window broken?
10:45.PopeMike: sektie: 42.75
10:45.sektie: my apologies.
10:45.nez: PopeMike, that explains a lot

.: part(DeadCatz)
05:47.sektie: omg
05:47.sektie: so that reminded me
05:47.frame: …
05:47.sektie: today my cat was being a complete whore
05:48.sektie: like i was laying on the floor watching tv, and he kept coming over trying to get me to pet him. shoving his entire freaking body in my face.
05:48.sektie: and i started to wonder what the cat would be like if it was on irc
05:48.sektie: and it hit me
05:48.sektie: deadcatz
05:48.sektie: amazing how well the nick fits.
05:48.sektie: isn’t that great?

This is somewhat belated, but everyone wave at br1an as he runs off to join the military. I think he was supposed to start yesterday. I hope he still finds time to IRC, or I might just have to take over #openbsd^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hmiss him VERY MUCH.

I think I’ve fallen in love with Lord Byron. He seems so incredibly human, it’s almost like you could sense what was going on in his mind when reading his work. I don’t often feel like I can connect with early 19th century authors like that. I find it amusing that he was born in England, but has such an Americanized sentiment in one of his more famous quotes:

They say that knowledge is power. I used to think so, but now I know they mean money.