FreeBSDGirl.com

sektie: what do you think the purpose of a marriage is?
James: a public statement regarding your intention of loyalty
sektie: oh.
James: s/loyalty/fidelity
sektie: oh dear.
James: yes, you’ll see i’m not married 
James: that or a tax break
sektie: i like the tax break.
sektie: i see a marriage as a way of telling a person that you’ll always be there for them when they need you. it’s not necessarily a definition of fidelity to me. it’s a promise of a lot more than that.
James: i can’t imagine telling a friend more clearly that i’ll always be here for them, then… you know… always being here for them 
James: s/then/than/
sektie: it’s more than friendship, though.
sektie: it involves nakedness.
sektie: it’s sort of an “i’ll always do you, even if you code in java and get fat”
James: well… maybe not java.
James: but i had sex with you when you were heavier and coded perl… doesn’t that count for something?!

The title of this entry is from a song I’ve had looped on my iPod for entirely too long, Spanish Doll from Poe’s album Haunted. Maybe I can blame the funk I’ve been in on it.

I think ‘funk’ is too strong a word. I’m not really depressed, I just have odd moments of blah. It’d be easy to attribute to all the crap I’ve been going through lately, but I’m fairly sure it’s all hormonal. My hormones are fucked. I have no clue what is going on with them. Body, please fix yourself. Ktnx.

I mentioned in a previous post as to how I’m now unemployed. Ready for story time?

A month ago, the company I worked for was doing an upgrade at one of our sites. We had to perform a software update on our server on the site, and firmware update on a network device whose vendor we’d never dealt with before. Somehow, I managed to be the most experienced person with this device, and since it was my code that was being upgraded on our server, I was assigned the task of aiding our installer that was on site.

The entire night was a complete disaster. It started at midnight, and really shouldn’t have taken more than an hour. It took me less than 10 minutes to get the new code on our server and verify that there were no issues. Unfortunately, the firmware update handled by our remote installer didn’t go so well.

I originally asked that I be sent on site with the installer. Only one of our installers has ever done a firmware update on that kind of device before, and he was unavailable. It turns out that the installer they sent had received absolutely no training, so he had no clue what was going on. I ended up doing the firmware update myself, but there were a number of issues that came up due to a misconfiguration on the remote end. The end result was that I worked all day, worked all night, and left around 9:00 AM. The new code on our server was completely operational, as was the network device, although the additional functionality of the server code couldn’t be used until the firmware update on the network device was complete. No big deal, as the site was still up.

A little over an hour after I left work, I got a call to come back in. They were going to perform the firmware update again with the vendor’s support on the phone. I stated that the server update was complete, I’m not sure why they needed me. I was told to come in anyways. I’d been up for nearly 30 hours, and I wanted a shower. Sigh. So I went back to the office, and I ended up standing around doing absolutely nothing. I told the person that manages all of the installers that next time he should send someone that is properly trained. I was lacking a little tact, but at least I wasn’t screaming or cursing. They really should be thankful.

First off, I’m a freaking developer. Not an installer. Not production support. Whatever. I didn’t mind that much, although I was slightly annoyed that they made me come into the office for it. Everything I did I could have done just as easily from home, which is how I’ve managed updates before. I originally asked that I go on site, but for some unknown reason, it got shot down. If I had been on site, I could have had this thing fixed in no time at all. Did I get any thanks or “good job” for putting in all that extra effort, staying up all night, doing something that isn’t my responsibility? Hell, no. I just get bitched at when someone else doesn’t do their job right.

Later that afternoon, I finally managed to go home and get some sleep. I’d been busting ass for weeks trying to get everything in place for the integration of that new vendor. It didn’t help that my back was killing me; I really can’t stay in a chair that long. I was laid up all weekend. When Monday morning came around, I was still hurting quite a bit and I’d had little sleep because of it, so I sent an email to my boss telling him that I wasn’t feeling well, so in lieu of taking a sick day, I was going to work from home just in case anything came up regarding the upgrade from Thursday night/Friday morning. He replied saying that was fine, and to get some rest. I stayed in bed most of the day, working on my laptop. I sent status updates as requested, and had a fairly productive day, considering.

I went back to work on Tuesday and worked the rest of the week. The following Monday, my boss calls me into HR’s office and tries to fire me. Seriously, worst firing attempt evar. The reason cited was performance. He didn’t actually do any of the talking, he left it all up to the chick from HR. She went on to tell me that I hadn’t been at work on Monday and no one knew where I was.

Oh, hell no. I grab my laptop and forward her copies of the email I’d sent to my boss on Monday and his replies. Meanwhile, he’s looking extremely uncomfortable and staring at the ground. I almost felt bad for him, but well, he was trying to fire me. What the fuck? Performance issues? Working 60-80 hours a week is considered a performance issue? Obviously, something’s going on here.

When HR read the email, she looked a bit confused, and then almost angry that I fucked up her firing. Cry me a fucking river. So she’s says to me “oh, I guess this is ok. But you can’t wear tank tops or anything sheer anymore.”

WTF??

Considering that I’ve seen people wear pajamas to the office, I can safely say we have a fairly lax dress code, much like many other small IT companies. That day, my outfit was completely acceptable (and much more stylish than hers; pastel sweater sets are so teh rage in her world): abercrombie jeans, and long green sheer shirt that tied up the front with a black gap tank top beneath it. She said she could see my middriff. I almost laughed at that one. Me, show my stomach? Yeah, right. And pigs fly. So I stood up to demonstrate the fact that I wasn’t showing any skin. She started getting a bit snippy, and she told me that my back was showing, and she could see my tattoo.

Once again, WTF??

I don’t even have a tattoo, and my back was not showing. Crazy. So I left her office and ran back to the dev room to tell my coworkers what’s up. They were as shocked and angry about it as I was, if not more. After much discussion, we decided that it had to have been political - I must have pissed someone off.

I cornered my boss the next day, and he refused to tell me what was going on. It seemed kind of suspicious that all of this was happening 2 weeks before I was due to get my sign-on bonus. I mentioned that to him, and he didn’t know anything about it.

Just to clarify, this boss isn’t the same one I had before. My previous boss (seriously, best boss ever) stepped down as manager and became head developer because he didn’t like dealing with the bullshit of management. The new boss had just been brought on, and work had changed a lot since then. Under my old boss, I was working from home at least 3 days a week. I didn’t have to deal with politics, and I didn’t have people bugging me. After the new boss started, morale plummitted. All the things I loved about our group were starting to slowly disintegrate.

I knew that if they were trying to get rid of me, it had to have come from someone fairly high up, and they probably wouldn’t give up, so I started looking for a new job. I hated looking on computerjobs and monster, because I loved my job so much. My coworkers were some of the best people I’ve ever worked with. Despite all the bullshit, there was nowhere else I’d rather be.

Last week, someone decided it would be a good idea to change the office hours, but only for development. I’m still trying to figure out why, but the best I could come up with is that they did it specifically to have a reason to get rid of me. Everyone knows that I carpool with Google Boy, so I couldn’t get there an extra hour early. I told my boss that after I got my bonus - which it looked like they were trying to ignore - I could get a car and I’d come in whenever they wanted, I don’t care. It’s not like I’ve ever had time to sleep after starting this job, anyways. He did his little nodding, sighing, and ignoring the issue thing (man, has he got that down), and work progressed as normal.

Two days later, I was called into the CEO’s office and fired. Wow. That’s hardcore. I mean, my boss couldn’t fire me, apparently his boss didn’t have the balls to fire me, so they sent me to the CEO to be fired. I guess they figured I wouldn’t put up much of a fight. The CEO is fairly intimidating, and I don’t think anyone has ever said no to him. He told me I could finish the day, and to let all my coworkers know what they needed to know before I left. Reason cited for getting rid of me? Performance, once again. Well, considering I’ve only seen him in the office once in the past 2 months, how would he know anything about what was going on with dev? Someone was obviously whispering in his ear. It still pisses me off that I don’t know how to be angry at about this.

When I told my coworkers, we all went on a walk and cornered my boss. He wouldn’t really tell us much, other than that it was a political situation that predated him. Ok, yeah, whatever. Everyone’s angry and scared. If they could get rid of me for such a bullshit reason, who is next?

Monday, that question was answered. They fired my ex-boss’ wife. She had been working there a number of years. I think their reason for firing her was something about not needing her anymore. Yeah, obviously training isn’t a priority at that company. Way to go, guys.

All of this happened just a few days after I left Mike. It’s been kind of rough, but I’m not too upset about it. I found out that Chad is moving back to Oklahoma with Nathan later this summer, and that’s been weighing on me much more than anything else. It’s a lot to get hit with all at once. I’m staying pretty optimistic, my default mode. I think I’m almost done here. After Nathan is gone, I no longer have a reason to stay in Atlanta. I’ll probably end up in San Francisco or New York, my two favorite cities. We’ll see.

For now, I’m working a few small consultant jobs, and Google Boy just put my resume in at Google. Mike’s boss just told him that they wanted to take me on at what I consider exorbitant rate. If it was temporary, I guess that’d be ok, but that’ll be kind of awkward. I miss him at the oddest times. It’s difficult, but I can handle it. I’m doing ok.

Google Boy and I were discussing the concept of SLA’s (service level agreements for those not in the know) in regards of significant others. We were just joking, but it’s an interesting idea nonetheless.

Imagine going into a new relationship with an Acceptable Usage Policy. What is a prenump if not a ToS/AUP, and why not enter into such an agreement early on? One of the downfalls of many relationships is the failure to meet unspoken expectations. Why are we so scared of stating what it is that we need from a significant other? How many disappointments could have been avoided by a simple discussion of a relationship SLA?

Don’t take me too seriously; I’m not stating that we need to bring our lawyer and a pound of paperwork along with us on a first date.

I’m fairly confident that no one will argue with me when I denounce first dates as being stressful, annoying, and often disappointing. I often go into one worrying more about what my date thinks about me than vice versa. It’s hard to be completely open about your ToS when you’re so critical of yourself. What would happen, though, if both parties came to a date prepared with a list of what they wanted out of a relationship?

I spoke with Mike a little yesterday over AIM, but for the most part I tried to avoid conversation. Why bother? Everything I would say, I’ve said before - even if he didn’t listen. I told him to go to Charlotte. He needs to get his shit together, and I’d give him 6 months to do it. I didn’t want him to talk to me until 6 months from that day, because I could wait for him, I just couldn’t wait with him. At first, he agreed.

Later that night, I went to his house to pick up my stuff and give him back the ring. I can’t say that I’m surprised at the outcome. He was sitting outside waiting for me, smoking and looking so very angry. The words he said - well, I won’t repeat them. They were vile. But I wasn’t surprised, not at all. It’s so typical of him. He gets angry and he loses control. I’m no one’s verbal punching bag. He said he never wanted to talk to me again; I told him that was his choice. It’s amazing how he can change his mind so quickly. One moment he wants to try to make things work, the next he’d rather see me dead. Nathan’s mood swings are more predictable than Michael’s.

It kills me because he had so much potential. I miss him, but he destroyed any chance of … anything. I can’t let myself be sad; there’s too much at stake. I’ll settle for bitter. Or maybe just apathetic.

Fuck everyone.

Fuck you, friends, for telling me to marry Mike. Fuck you for asking me what the fuck I was doing with my life when I broke up with him the first time.

Fuck you, mom, for telling me to get “back on the medication” after he called you and told you what happened this weekend. Don’t call me. Don’t email me. Don’t leave me messages on my blog. Fuck you for thinking that I don’t know what’s best for me. I realize that you have a lot more experience regarding how many times you’ve been married, and that your policy regarding marriage is “Marry first, ask questions later” - but that’s not mine.

Fuck you, Mike, for telling me you could change. Fuck all of your apologies. Sorry doesn’t mean shit when you keep doing the same things over and over again. Yes, I love you. No, I will not let you hurt me. You are not an asset. You are a liability. Do not call me until that changes.

I know I’ve been impossible to reach the past 4 days. Don’t think that wasn’t by design. I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for doing what everyone else thought I should be doing. I’m angry at everyone else for thinking they know what’s best for me. I’ve been ignoring the panic that’s been slowly eating away at me. I have hidden under a blanket, coding and sleeping and feeling like shit.

To reiterate, and this applies to everyone, do not contact me if it’s just to tell me how much better off I’d be with Mike. Just shove it up your ass. Thanks.

Mike: haha. so i was on the phone with this company in Cali named iXsystems, and the guy mentioned he was involved with the freebsd documentation project, blah blah blah, got to chatting, mentioned i was getting married, he asked who, i said freebsdgirl, and since he had me on speaker, some guy pipes up in the background “HE’S MARRYING SEKTIE??”

The ring has been on my finger a while, but I’ve been waiting to announce it until all plans were worked out. Well, here goes…

Mike and I are getting married. Even better, it’s happening at BSDCan 2006. I’ll announce the exact date and time later, but at the moment it’s looking like Saturday, May 13th.

My family isn’t going to be able to come, so Alfred Perlstein will be giving me away. The person from the conversation posted previously is Matt Olander, and he told Mike he’s going to be there as well. This is quickly turning into quite an A-list event, geek style. (Oh god. Did I just say that?)

Every year, I post about BSDCan and tell my readers they should hit it up. The speakers are definitely worth it, but now you’ve got yet another reason to be there - our wedding. I’ll be wearing my daemon horns, much to Mike’s chagrin. Well, what did he expect? I am, after all, FreeBSDGirl.

PS: By the way, Matt, a commit bit to docs would be the *perfect* wedding present. Just kidding! No, really…

Life has been too busy and complicated to write about lately. Have I been wanting to blog what’s going on? Sure. But there’s too many others involved, and when I write, I tend to say more than I probably should.

It occurred to me a few weeks ago that my life is as close as possible to how I dreamed it should be. I had this idea of how I wanted things to be back when I was in high school. It was a fairly simplistic image, but I was just a farm girl, so my imagination was a bit limited. I wanted to live in a big city, in a fabulous loft. I even imagined one that looks very similar to the one I’m living in now, all concrete and stainless steel with huge floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city skyline. I wanted to have a closet full of great clothes and shoes. I wanted to be able to go shopping at expensive stores and induldge myself. I saw myself having a job with coworkers that I respected and loved. I wanted people to notice me. I wanted to be comfortable with myself, and I wanted to actually like my body. The one part of my life I never really thought about - and maybe I should have - was the boys part.

I don’t really know what I want anymore. Actually, no, I do know what I want; I don’t know if anyone can give it to me. When will I find a guy that can make me stay? It always starts out so well, but I end up being the one in control, and we all can see the pattern now as to how that one ends. The past 3 months were a bit eye-opening, to say the least. It didn’t work out. Now, Mike decided to fight for me…and I’m lost. How do you change the way you look at someone? If you go through 2 years of a relationship thinking a certain way of a person, how can you just make yourself view them differently? I can’t find a way, and I’m trying. Desperately lost.

At least work is doing its part to keep me busy. I was mostly working from home, and that was getting kind of boring, even if it was helping my back immensely. My boss decided he didn’t want to be my boss anymore, so he demoted himself to developer, and the CTO took over. My work-from-home rights were completely revoked. Then the shit hit the fan with a company we are partnering with, and I made the mistake of stepping up, so it’s all on me. I’m a project manager now, although I’m supposedly still a developer. I haven’t had time to write a single line of code in the past 2 weeks. I’ve been too busy trying to explain to this company why their SNMP implimentation just ain’t gonna cut it. More on that some other time. The CTO managed to completely disregard all the work I’ve done for this company, claiming I have to “earn” working from home. Apparently, sleeping 4 hours a week so I can meet the asinine deadlines set by upper management doesn’t count for much. This is the third time I’ve been hit with retarded “omg now now now now” projects here. I didn’t mind so much until last week. After that drama, I’m just pissed.

This weekend is a weekend of leather and corsets. I need to get out.

Merry Christmas, or something. It’s been a stressful holiday, and I’m glad it’s almost over with.

The haul? A new computer. A yixing teapot. The coolest computer goddess ever. Little knick knacks and brik-a-brak, stuff I’m oddly big into. I got Nathan two bunnies - POSIX and ANSI. He flipped when he saw them. I thought about getting him a ferret, but bunnies just seem to be better pets for a little kid.

Google boy and I broke up. It was hard. I tried to give him back the Christmas present he gave me, but he wouldn’t take it. I keep staring at the computer he gave me (gorgeous Antec case in piano black with internal blue lights, Asus A8N SLI Deluxe, AMD64, 2GB DDR400) and thinking that I don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t have it. Maybe breaking up with him wasn’t something my heart was completely happy with, but I had a choice to make. I made it. I think I chose correctly. Shit is going to fly when the word spreads. I think I’m going to keep this one secret to myself for a bit longer, just don’t look too hard at my fingers. People think I make my life unnecessarily complicated, but at least I never get bored.

A small fortune was spent at Teavana at Lennox Mall by a special someone. Mmmm, tea. My dragon yixing teapot is filled with Jasmine pearl leaves, and I can smell it from here. I’ve wanted one for ages. The history of yixing teapots is fascinating.

I made a quick stop by the Vicrtoria’s Secret and found out my boobs shrank. Yeah, well, I’ve been saying that they’re smaller. It was bound to happen. I just wish I could have lost that weight off my ass or something instead. I have a serious bootie problem. Speaking of which, I was going to the movie theatre last night with someone, and we ran to get to the building to escape the frigid weather. By the time we arrived at the ticket box, I was a little out of breathe, so I grinned at my partner and muttered something like “this is why I’m on bottom”. Unfortunately, I was later informed that I wasn’t as quiet as I originally thought - the woman working the ticket counter as well as the couple behind us had heard and were trying to restrain their laughter. Mmm Hmm.

What’s on my iPod? Muse, Garbage, PJ Harvey, Jenny Labow.

I think I’m coming down with something. No, scratch that - I thought I was coming down with something 2 days ago. Now I’m certain I have. My throat feels like I’ve been drinking gasoline (mmm, tasty), and every muscle in my body is aching. This isn’t exactly the best time to be ill. I committed to attending the Google Christmas party, so Jason will be doing my hair tomorrow after work. Jason <3. The party is on Thursday, so I know I’m cutting it a bit close. A coworker and I went shopping on Friday at Perimeter, and I got the perfect dress from Bloomingdales. The Laundry line by Shelli Segal is so pretty; I always feel like I’m a princess when I wear her dresses. This dress is so tiny and perfect, and 2 sizes smaller than the last one I bought. Woot! I was at home trying it on to show Google Boy when the strap went *pop* and beads went flying everywhere. Well, fuck. I knew that was going to happen. The straps are tiny wires with little purple beads, so I am just going to do a little modification and put in purple sheer ribbons I think. At least the strap-poppage happened at home, and not at the party. Further proof that my chest needs to shrink more. At least the rest of the dress fits well. I look taller and thinner and fabulously pale. No one ever really says “fabulously pale”. Puh-lease. In this industry, the only acceptable tan is off your CRT. Yet another reason to love IT.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been working from home a lot. I usually get a lot more done, but mostly it’s been because of my back. Things have been a bit easier since I can lay down while coding, or if I’m feeling up for it, I can even go for a quick jog down to the internet cafe to get some exercise and a yummy muffin. I’ve been heading up to the office twice a week, but I think I’m going to try to increase my time there slowly, seeing how well my body can take it. It’s so very frustrating.

Mike and I have been getting on surprisingly well. It was easier to be angry, before. I had to hold on to it and think of everything hateful he’s ever done to keep my rage in check when he told me he wanted me back. I tried to tell him…hell, I tried to tell google boy. Dating me is like signing your life away to the devil. I’m a good person at heart. I try not to do mean things. I try to keep anyone from getting hurt. Somehow, in the end, any boy I’m with ends up utterly destroyed. Well, they can’t say I didn’t warn them. I miss Mike, maybe a little. Maybe more than a little. Every time I feel like picking up the phone, I read over my blog entries. I make myself remember all of the bad things. Why is it that after a breakup, we only want to remember the good? It’s scary to say, this is the most normal breakup I’ve ever experienced, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Why can’t he move to Texas, or decide he’s gay, or grow a HUGE mole in the center of his nose? Better yet, a combination of the three.

I love my new loft. Love, love, love. I get the best view of the city from the balcony off my bedroom. Mmm, balcony. I wish it would warm up a bit so I could go outside and enjoy it.

It’s been hectic here. My mom called me last night to inquire as to if I was still alive, so I suppose it’s time for a few updates:

Mike and I are getting along “ok” now. It’s still awkward. After the last post, he began to act a bit more sane. We’re working on being friends, but it’s harder than I originally thought it would be.

Google boy got kicked out by his psycho roommate. It turns out she’s that kind of girl that doesn’t really like having other girls around (as they take attention away from her), so she told him to get out if he was going to insist upon dating me. Ok, whatever. I’ve only had like 3 conversations with her, during all of which I was quite nice. I suppose that’s just her perrogative. Since I needed a place to live too, Google boy and I got a loft in the same building he used to live in. The loft is gorgeous. It’s got 12′ ceilings, all concrete and stainless steel, top floor, 1500sq ft. My bedroom is facing the city, and 3/4 of the wall is glass with sliding doors out to the balcony. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I see is a fabulous view of the Atlanta skyline. I love living downtown. It is beyond awesome. Having a roommate isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it’d be. We’ve got quite a bit in common, right down to our shared preference of skim milk - a habit I couldn’t ever get anyone else into.

I went to Ikea this weekend because I don’t have much in the way of furniture. I hate Ikea. It’s ghetto cheap, which is kind of nice, but I feel like a dirty hippy college student shopping there. There’s way too many people there. I did get a really neat chaise/couch thingie for my room though. It’s the first piece of furniture I’ve ever really bought all by myself, other than small tables and bookcases and such. It’s an odd feeling.

I finally finished my first project at work. For the past 3 weeks, I’d been putting in well over 110+ hrs a week. It’s almost like I’m making up for the lack of work I’ve always managed to get by with at previous jobs. Being a developer requires such a different mindset from being a sysadmin. I’m used being smart enough to be lazy, but now it’s all work, work, work. I don’t think I mind it that much. I’m finally not bored. I got a break on Thursday/Friday last week, and I realized I didn’t like being bored anymore. Bah.

I’ve been working on rewriting iwi(4) in FreeBSD 5, as WPA is broken. Bunches of other fun odd little problems with that driver too. I’ve never done this level of coding before, so I’m learning quite a bit. It’s also been totally (not) fun working on figuring out how to debug ACPI on the Inspiron 9300. I may be able to find some help with Darius, but he’s never done work like this either. It’s code to keep me from thinking about work code. I am such a nerd.

My warlock finally hit lvl 40. Actually, I’m 42 now. I *love* my felsteed. Not having to walk makes the game much less of a grind.

Nathan was over this past weekend. It was his first look at my new place. We had the windows open, and when we weren’t looking he apparently amused himself by throwing socks and waffles (???) out the window at people. Good going, Nathan. You are so grounded.

I wore my Google shirt and my daemon horns to work today. Too fun. I hope the horns aren’t over the top.