
	by Bruce Tinsley


			Mallard Fillmore A seasoned, rumpled ex-newspaper reporter, Mallard now works for WFDR-TV in Washington, D.C. The fact that he's a duck doesn't stand out at Channel 3 nearly as much as that his politics are a lot more like yours and mine than Peter Jennings' and Jane Fonda's. He thinks we average, hardworking Americans need a break instead of a lecture. Mallard thinks taxes are too high, educational standards are too low, and that the "radicals" of the '60s and '70s now set the establishment's politically correct media agenda. He's gonna shake 'em up a little.


			Mr. Noseworthy Mallard's boss at WFDR. A "child of the '60s," Mr. Noseworthy is still adjusting to being a grownup of the '90s. He longs for the days spent listening to records that criticized his parents' materialism (on the $1,500 stereo his parents bought him). However, his privileged background didn't dull his "social conscience"; he'd give someone the shirt off your back.


			Congressman Veneer No chin, and a backbone to match. Veneer never met a tax hike he didn't like. All of his kids go to private school, but he opposes vouchers for the rest of us. (What if his daughter started dating one of the "Voucher Kids"?) While the congressman doesn't visit his district often, he remembers that it's in "one of those big, rectangular states." He keeps getting re-elected because he's from a "safe" district. Of course, when you live in Washington, D.C., almost anywhere else seems safe.


			Chantel Co-anchor at WFDR, Chantel has a dilemma: she likes Mallard but hates his politics. Smart, aggressive and liberal, she once had all the makings of a first-class journalist. Instead she became a TV reporter. Chantel and Mallard can't even have lunch together without fighting. He can tolerate her politics, but not the fact that her idea of a deli is someplace that serves sprouts on a croissant. And if she says "self-esteem" one more time, he's gonna commit Chantelicide.


			Dave Mallard's best friend whose life's savings are invested in Dave's Diner, the burger joint where Mallard has breakfast every afternoon. Dave is one of those rare Americans who still believes in the American work ethic and can quote our Founding Fathers. This may be because he's from Vietnam.


			Rush Dave's little boy. Lives to play basketball. Wants to forgo his 4th-grade eligibility and go straight to the pros. His teacher, Ms. Carp (pronounced Mizzzzzz Carp), is also president of the local NEA chapter. She started disliking Rush immediately upon finding out he was named after the talk-show host, not the band. Other kids want to know where babies come from; Rush wants to know why there are no Asian-Americans in the NBA.


			Eddie Mallard’s allergic to cats and dogs. He wanted a pet that was good with kids, but had to settle for one that would be good with hush puppies. Eddie isn’t crazy about his situation, either…surveying his shabby living-room furnished with a tacky castle, a windmill and a deep-sea diver who blows bubbles, he wonders why there’s never an animal-rights activist around when you need one.


			Chet Last and clearly least, Chet is Chantel's co-anchor at WFDR. He knows all of Dan Rather's outfits by heart. Although he wasn't born when President Kennedy was assassinated, he can tell you exactly where he was when Barbara Walters launched “The View.” Chet believes in “giving back to the community,” so he’s endowed a scholarship to give aspiring young anchorpersons the same opportunity he had - to get a chin transplant. Chet is forever looking for that special something that sets him apart from other TV anchors. Mallard suggests he try subject-verb agreement.