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« Men Versus Women (part II) | Main | Super Lobbyist »

Getting Away with Punching

I used to be incensed over the fact that celebrities could literally kill people, then go to court and get away with murder. Then I became a minor celebrity and my opinion started to change.

I’m not famous enough to get away with premeditated murder, but it’s my ultimate goal. At my current level of fame I figure the most I could get away with is maybe a vigorous bludgeoning, or perhaps some high spirited groping. Those free passes could come in handy someday, but it’s not the same as knowing you can whack someone if you feel like it.

I once considered getting a teardrop tattoo so I’d look like an ex con and people would fear me. But with the Three Strikes law, being an ex con isn’t the panacea it used to be. Celebrities are the new bullies. That’s why I carry around my magazine covers just in case I get in a “situation.” When the shoving starts, I just whip out the January issue of Fortune magazine – the one with Dilbert on the cover – and say something like, “Do you know who drew that? Well DO you, punk?”

Then I go into my cage fighting stance and hope no one notices that my entire body is made of peanut brittle.


"I used to be incensed over the fact that celebrities could literally kill people, then go to court and get away with murder. Then I became a minor celebrity and my opinion started to change.

I’m not famous enough to get away with premeditated murder, but it’s my ultimate goal."

You're probably closer than you think. Would you really call O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and (though I hate to suggest it) William Shatner "major" celebrities? C'mon. Just don't start your career with me, please - remember, they all killed their wives.

Well, except for Clive Davis. But it was still his daughter's boyfriend, wasn't it?

To get away with blatant murder of people you barely know, you have to be a star athlete. I think we can both agree that such status is a pipe dream for you.

There's always the subtle approach - instead of using your fame as a shield, use it as a weapon. Select your target to mediate at a live conference of all the people that comment on Internet blogs and someone will surely kill them for you. Bet them five thousand dollars not to go into a Sony convention and scream 'Microsoft will own you all!' Ask people to prove your social commentary wrong by holding a rally in a city known for hit-and-run accidents.

In short, why get your hands bloody when human stupidity can be used to do the dirty work for you?

Heh, this blog is more humerous then the actual cartoon.

For those who are confused: when the government prosecutes you for a crime, and an adverse judgment would deprive you of your freedom, the government must prove its case against you beyond a reasonable doubt. When a private individual or company sues you, and they can only deprive you of money, then you lose if the plaintiff proves his case by a mere preponderance of the evidence.

So OJ could beat the criminal rap because the DA couldn't meet the high burden of proof, but then OJ could be held liable for money, because his ex-wife's family had a much easier burden to meet.

Oh man, you got a case of CAPTCHA. That really sucks.

Excellent post ;)

I've gotta say that, even though it is pretty ridiculous that OJ was found innocent of murder and was then sued for it in civil court and lost, I'm glad he was at least punished SOMEHOW - what was it, 8 million dollars? I was in elementary school, so I really don't remember very well, but I'm just glad SOMEBODY said he was guilty and that he had to lose SOMETHING for his crime...

Perhaps we should form a roving band of renengade intellectuals under your leadership. We could devote the rest of our lives to quantifying and pillaging the South. :)

Sorry Scott. You not famous enough. No one knows your face. (BOCTAOE) And your name, though somewhat recognizable, isn't a household name.

Now if Dilbert wanted to come into the real world and go around killing people he could get away with it. But that doesn't seem like something an engineer would do.

Dogbert on the other hand, is definitely overdue for a murder spree. And based on the picture of him in the title at the top of this page, he's looking angry enough.

What would make Scott a big enough celebrity to be able to grease people? Maybe a TV show would do it. Oh wait--forget I mentioned that, never mind.

Just kidding, Scott. I loved the animated Dilbert series. I wish it had not been cancelled. My favorite was when Loud Howard sneezed so hard at a guy he blew off not only the guy's clothes but his flesh and internal organs, so there was nothing but a skeleton standing there. Classic!

I seem to recall that Hollywood Boulevard can get quite busy. They had some out of work actor dressed as Batman outside Mann's Chinese Theater- he'd be first under the fender of the Hanksmobile


"Tom Hanks could, I'm sure, cheerfully meander along the sidewalks of LA in his convertible, gently mowing down pedestrians with impunity."

I don't think there are any pedestrians in LA.

Sorry Art.

Good for you! It's always great to know you can slap people around without fear of prosecution. But with dilbert printing in over 2,000 newspapers I think murder is not far away.

Good for you! It's always great to know you can slap people around without fear of prosecution. But with dilbert printing in over 2,000 newspapers I think murder is not far away.


"Tom Hanks could, I'm sure, cheerfully meander along the sidewalks of LA in his convertible, gently mowing down pedestrians with impunity."

I don't think there are any pedestrians in LA.

Maybe for now you should stick to influencing others to commit murder via the hidden messages in your daily comic strip.

Or am I the only one recieving those?

I see one flaw in your theory, and that is the celebrities that can get away with murder or slapping people are recognizable. You, on the other hand, only have a name that is recognized. If your name wanted to go around and slap people it could get away with it, but you couldn't. If you do find that you can, there will soon be a large market for counterfeit Scott Adams ID cards, so that other people can get away with slapping.

I have noticed a pattern in America's legal system, and I can't be the only person who has noticed it.

You don't even have to be all that famous famous. All you have to do is be very good-looking and rich. The very good-looking and rich can get away with almost anything. The rich and ordinary-looking can get away with some things, but not everything. If you're rich and ugly, you still have a slight chance over someone who is ugly and not rich, but not as much as the rich and physically attractive.

It's kind of sad that's how our country works, IMHO.

I think the tide is turning on this one. You can't even throw a phone at a desk clerk anymore without it making national news. Then it costs you a fortune to pay off the little snot, when he really deserved far more than a phone chucked at his stupid pin-head. Haven't these people heard of customer service? What's the world coming to?

Well, if all else fails, you can menance people with a sketch for the police if they beat you up. Like the cartoonist in this news story:,7034,17847780%5E1702,00.html

If you don't like the URL appearing directly in the comment, I also posted it as the URL under my name.


The only way you can get away with 'high-spiirited' grouping is to beome an awards show presenter. Remember the incident with Jamie Lee Curtis a few years ago??)

Now, if it is some bludgeoning that you are eager to do AND get away with, paparazzi are fair game these days. If none are to be found, pummeling a tourist will do nicely. You can always claim you THOUGHT it was a paparazzi. Besides, no local would convict you of attacking a tourist. I find most people would secretly like to do that themselves (no matter where you live)

I think the level of crime to which a person can get away with is directly proportional to the persona that their fame creates. So someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger could declare himself ruler of Arnoldia, and that his first act as the ruler of Arnoldia to annex California. Some might protest, but on the whole no one would do anything about it, because he IS after all the "Terminator". The only way to challenge him for dominion of Arnoldia would be through direct one on one confrontation in gladiatorial combat. Again, what are you going to do, I mean were talking about "Conan" here!!!

On the flip side however, I would dare say that there are more people who support Martha Stewart than Arnold, but she couldn't even get away with making a few dollars in the stock market. Despite all her fanfare the persona of household knickknacks and baked goods probably prevents her from getting away with misdemeanors.

So... I think you are out of luck Scott, I mean you might be able to get away with more than Martha, but overall Dilbert is pretty low on the food chain. Arnold however is well poised for world domination. It is just a matter of ensuring that everyone in the world has seen Terminator 1 & 2, and all of the Conan movies. After that any lingering thought of rebellion against Arnoldia's great leader would be utterly destroyed.

I don't know that I agree with you on the celebrity issue...Close but, no cigar. I believe that it is money for instance if I am the worlds most wealthy individual I can buy my innocence. Have someoneelse take the fall, buy the jurrors, buy the prosecution, pay to tamper with evidence hell why not buy the judge its only money...Does this happen...for sure it does right now.

I have a question to pose to the blog...If I am found innocent of murder tell me how I can be found criminally responsible for someones death. and please look no further than O.J Simpson for an example...guilty or innocent he was found by the court innocent of murder but in a civil case found responsible for the death??? US justice...brilliant.

Our deputy Prime Minister here in the UK was filmed punching someone in the mouth, and they arrested the guy who got punched. Perhaps you should try politics.

you could give somebody a bizzare and comic beating, like with a bag of muffins or a rolled up issue of fortune magazine. You could get away with that and end up more famous working your way up to murder.
And I don´t think I´l ever be able to eat peanut brittle again if I begin equating it with your body. You just ruined a wonderful christmas treat for me.

Ha ha, yes! nice goal. I want to be a celebrity someday... but honestly, I just want more money than I know what to do with.

Exoskeleton of Peanut Brittle, Soft Gooey Center of Peanut Butter. You don't happen to wear a Synthetic Chocolate Clothing do you? I see a new type of candy bar, The Scott Adams(tm).

I thought the whole point of being a celebrity was to be able to sleep on top of a big pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Scott, you're not quite famous enough. Well it's true! You're semi-famous. You're quasi-famous. You're the margarine of famous. You're the Diet Coke of famous. Just one cartoon, not famous enough!

Just kidding. You're my hero. Can I have some money?

George "Superman Reeves" last words, "I'm tired, I think I'll go to bed."

Scott- that's a terrible legacy.

But dunning someone with a Fortune Magazine cover? Pitiful. Just Pitiful.

Now Time or Sports Illustrated, on the other hand...

You could probably get away with it if you killed yourself.

however you would be famous for a whole diffrent reason.

I think the crimes you could get away with would depend on the circumstances. I wouldn't start a shoving match with Jay-Z at a gentlemens club, but you could probably start a riot at a cartoonist convention and walk away scot free. Add another best seller to the list and you could probably deck the cartoonist of your choice.


Hey, I resent that.


Don't diss getting away with punching before you try it.

Have you ever slapped someone for no particular reason? I can tell you, it's very refreshing.

Maybe you could start a Celebrity League, Oscar Winners etc. in the premier leauge, contestants on reality shows five leagues below. Level of violence allowed depends on which league you are in. Killing, no problem league one. Pushing roughly on the subway, reality show contestant league 5...


You ARE a nut. Since you have gone this far with blogging, why don't you get serious and put an extra 5 minutes into this blog and put up some serious topics for discussion. I mean to say, state your position more clearly instead of just hinting or making a joke. You are probably going to be Governor of California (or Elbonia) one day, so take a position. It does not seem like you would be afraid to. Does anyone else get the sense that Scott is holding back?

I don't think celebrity has anything to do with it. If you audit someone and find they have over $10 million in assets, they are immune to conviction for physical crimes BOCTAOE. However, if they commit a fiscal crime, they'll be in trouble. The courts don't find favor in rich people gaming the system. See Marhta Stewart and Ken Lay (YSLE) as examples BOCTAOE.

Danville, California, USA?

I'll be there sometime soon.

Perhaps you could tattoo the front cover of the Fortune magazine on your chest. That way, you could have a tattoo AND not have to carry the magazine around. Also, perhaps you could have the tattoo artist make the edges of the magazine cover look a little ragged or roughed up. That way, people would think, "Wow. He must be famous. Ooh, but look at the edges. I bet he could really do some damage in a cage fight."

I'm interested in who you wish to kill. I have a friend who would like to murder the man in the white house. I personally am content with simply doing away my maths teacher.
Do you know youths like people in my school must probably contribute to the youth violence statistics because we spend a lot of our free time thinking up murders and tortures for evil and sadistic teachers? But it's fun too... heheh...
If you want suggestions, I'm sure we can provide you with loads...

How many 'whack's do celebrities get?
If rumour holds, Fran Sinatra is responsible for 3,
although he didn't perform them personally - does it count if performed by hired thugs?

Great expression from PHB today. Awesome.

Killing people is wrong. Even if you are famous.

I prefer to use my imagination and dream up different ways for killing famous people. You can spend many an hour sitting in work coming up with scenarios. My current favourite involves guillotining the English Soccer Coach at a live, televised news conference.

So you want to get away with premeditated murder, go to court and get an attaboy for it?

I read the news about what just happened at the other end of the Richmond-San Rafael bridge tonight, so I have a suggestion to you:

Run for Governor of the State of California.

A fish (according to Hyman G. Rickover's definition)

If you’re really looking to commit top-drawer criminal impishness you probably need to cosy up to a genuine A-lister. Tom Hanks could, I'm sure, cheerfully meander along the sidewalks of LA in his convertible, gently mowing down pedestrians with impunity. You could take along, oh I don’t know, Judge Reinhold or Corey Haim - they can be the patsy if Hanks pulls his Forrest Gump routine and it all turns a bit ugly.

It gets better.

The Ultimate Celebrity can get away with murdering another Celebrity.

That's when you know you've reached the top.

Even if I was extremely famous I would consider it to be a great advantage to be anonymous when murdering someone.

The best way to get away with punching is to make it seem like a good natured act of friendship rather than assault.

Just accompany the punch with a joshing, "Hey Mate, How's it going?" > and you'll be fine.

Of course, if you want to punch people that you don't actually know then you'll need to do one of two things after the above: Either add a "Oh, sorry, thought you were someone else!" on the end or, if you want to add emotional pain and embarrassment to the physical pain you've inflicted, add a "You don't recognise me do you?" and act really hurt. With luck you might even get them apologising to you.

Thanks again Mr Adams!

How famous do you think you'd have to be to be able to go up to people and just tickle them? I'm not famous, but I've been told I'm charismatic, and I feel as though I'm close to being able to tickle whomever I please through sheer force of personality, but I'm not confident enough to test this.

Killing people is just a matter of timing. Fr' instance: Walk up to someone in Berlin today and shoot them; result = life imprisonment. Fly over it fifty years ago and drop a bomb; get a medal.

Over time war must come to every inhabited spot on the planet eventually, so if we wait lobng enough, we all get a turn.

Well, isn't it enough you get away with this entry?

In the same line of thoughts: If you get a nobel prize for peace, you can commit a genocide for "free"...

Dogbert can be your lawyer... He can beat the rap, take all your money and mock the legal system of USA all in one sitting.

All hail the genius that is Dogbert...

Please hit me, then i can sell my sorry story to the tabloids. A picture of me with a head bandage looking sorry for myself would do my bank ballance a world of good, plus it would help your Kudos, as people would say "That fat ginger nerd deserved a good kicking by the looks of him".

So effectively, Russel Crowe would be your mentor? Not very wise considering how 95% of the general population consider him to be an arrogant twat!

Actually, you have enough celebrity to get away with maliciously shaving dirty words on cats and dogs, kill a koala with your bare hands in front of several onlookers at the local zoo and perhaps mount a horse in a not so traditional fashion. Blame you abhorrent behaviour on your D*** C*** withdrawal, internet blogging and major depression brought on by the recent downturn in the weather, and Larry King and Oprah and Doctor Phil will be eating out of your hands. Turn that into an SNL or Tonight Show appearance and BAM!, you'll be inducted in to the ranks of psychokiller celebrities in no time at all. Minus fifty points for appearing in Surreal House.

So who is it going to be? If you see leonardo DiCaprio give him one for me. Or does his fame trump yours? (no offense).

My current level of fame only allows me to cut people off on the interstate.

It could backfire you see.

Before you could even whip out the Fortune magazine, the dude whack and accidentally kills you.

He could be the one night celebrity when the world found out he murdered Dilbert's creator. With all the attention he's getting, no peanut brittle should be efficient enough to save the day.

Wait, the nurse is bringing me medication.

There is no other way to measure fame except bank balance. Looking at number of adds on your web site, I am sure you can kill somebody (Without joining army).

This was just a plug for the Fortune magazine cover hey :)

PS. Good job on that!

I have long thought that the greatest proof that Martha Stewart was innocent is that she got convicted; no one as famous as her gets convicted if they are actually guilty.

While Scott is more accomplished (best selling author and humongo-popular cartoonist) his creation, Dilbert, owns the greater celebrity. We see and relate to Dilbert every day.

Therefore, it is Dilbert who could get away with murder.

I’m not condoning this behavior. But if Dilbert were to get a little bloodthirsty, I’d say he should quench it by:

* Shoving the left-over doughnuts from the office meeting down the gullet of The Born Loser until his toe-tag reads The Dead Loser.

* Lucy is just a child. And no child deserves to be strangled with Linus’ blanket and told to “keep the advice” while flicking a nickel on her horrified blue face.

* Is it wrong if a certain popular bible-thumping one-panel comic strip about a Family is now outlined with a “police chalk” circle?

* For years, Garfield has perpetuated the stereotype that cats are smart and dogs are dumb. But who’s dumb now? Dogbert laced your lasagna with rat poison. Oh, stop feigning disgust! Garfield will finally get his wish... to nap uninterrupted... forever.

When life gives you peanuts...

Wow. And here I was thinking that the Monty Python self defense class was a total waste of time. Little did I know I'd be up against peanut brittle!

You give yourself less credit than you're worth. I could see you getting away with at least vehicular manslaughter; possibly while drunk. Think about it: with you in prison there would be a lot less Dilbert in the comics. Very quickly the thoughts of the dead victim would fade while the lack of Dilbert would haunt the people each and every morning. During the appeal the verdict would be overturned and you'd be given a slap-on-the-wrist for sure.

Um... remind me not to get on your bad side, Uncle Scott...

Roy January 16, 2006 at 11:52 AM : The way you worded your idea contrasted Mr. Adams and a real man. Do you realize how high you just moved yourself up on his "will hit" list?

Truth be told though, the two most famous celbrity killers were both has-beens. OJ was doing Naked Gun movies, and Blake was doing nothing but living off of Beretta and Little Rascals residuals.
So to get that kind of free ride, Dilbert would have to tank, and I think the cost would be too high.
Of course maybe a pseudo famous cartoonist could probably get away with whacking a has been celebrity, I haven't seen any of the BeeGees for awhile.

Peanut Brittle broke one of my teeth once.

I'D stay out of your way.

Not too bad of an idea; hurting people is fun.

On an unrelated note, I rather like peanut brittle. But Gordon's idea of 'cucumber stuble' sounds both bad tasting and overly stupid. It just doesn't sound like a 'samrt' idea.

And to Aki: I live in Texas, and I'd never heard of him either.

If you went with the tear drop tattoo get one under each eye.
Then with your pale complextion you'd resemble a mime.
Then you could attract more animosity.
Then you could get away with anything in the name of Art.

Did you just invent a new phrase by sticking peanut and brittle together? Well i can do that too...cucumber stuble, there samrt guy!

Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but I had never heard of the actor guy who killed his wife (not O.J., the other one). That means that you are a bigger celebrity than he is (at least in a very small target population of 1). If he could get away with, you could too. Although, I live in Finland, so that might be the reason I've never heard of him.

If it's any consolation, I do believe peanut brittle could beat me up.

>I’m not famous enough to get away with premeditated murder, but it’s my ultimate goal.

I dont suppose you could pre-meditate to the extent of blogging the name of your target for discussion first? You know, so we have time to a)Hide b)Call the Police c)Turn up with, you know, whatever it is that kills peanuts

This could help reduce your legal fees by giving your lawyers a free excuse. eg "It is not Mr Adams fault that Mr O Bin-Laden turned up for a beating after reading his name on the Dilbert-Blog. Why the victim was practically begging for it. And look at his beard. Tell me you wouldnt like to just grab that thing and yank"

That's because Bill Watterson's a pansy. Don't you think there's a darker side to the man who draw's Dogbert and Catbert?

I bet Lake Michigan has a few PHB's on the bottom courtesy of the world's favorite Lemon Eater.

Scott, just get famous enough before someone fishes them up.

Give it up, Scott, you can't even get away with a wall violation without the blog getting pulled. Stick to prancing in the semi-privacy of your home.

Bring back Ray Mebert.

I think you should go for the teardrop tattoo. It would totally work with your image.
There was a lady with a teardrop tattoo that came into the downtown coffee shop I used to work at (at which I used to work?). She'd gruffly say, "Thanks, hon," if she liked you and give you the stink eye if she didn't. She drank a large black coffee con panna (with whipped cream).

Perhaps with your current level of celebrity you could get away with poking someone in the eye. That's about it.

> Should your chosen victim be anaphylectic, the peanut
> brittle just may be your most powerful weapon. Unless they
> choose to stab you with their little epinepherin needles.
> Then things could get risky. Ooo! I sense a death match!

Wouldn't this give us a Scott "Super Peanut Brittle Power" Adams? Ooo, I'm weak at the knees...

I like peanut brittle!

Maybe you should wear a Dilbert costume, go out and do the OJ.

I advocate the hitting of general citzenry by celebrities, possibly even murder. For celebrities are clearly a higher form of life (hello, Star Jones and Matt LeBlanc) and their bloodthirsty judgment should be absolute and final. Now cartoonsits don't really qualify as celebrities, perhaps "persons of note" or "people that should theoretically be better than you and me, but are not," so they should only be able to give mean looks or throw water balloons.

It's hard to imagine Bill Watterson saying he'd like to go around killing people.

Peanut brittle...
That could be very dangerous if your victim has a peanut allergy.

Now you need to get special magazine covers so that when you whip them out you leve a good gouge in the other person. :-)

I wonder if uncle Scott ever made an appearance in MTV's Celebrity Death Match. That autta be a good start for ya

Don't you pretty much have to whack an ex-wife though? I mean, doesn't that sort of narrow the whole scope of allowable whacking?

Should your chosen victim be anaphylectic, the peanut brittle just may be your most powerful weapon. Unless they choose to stab you with their little epinepherin needles. Then things could get risky. Ooo! I sense a death match!

Just pick on people with peanut allergies!

what if you killed other celebrities? such as...oh i dunno, britney spear's husband....if you can even consider him to be a celebrity.

Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll have a peanut allergy. Then you can develope a mean reputation among the allergin world. It's something.

I see signs that your ‘status’ is turning your brain into peanut brittle also. :-)

Killing people must be really tiring...
Maybe that's why some celebrities (and some priests) prefer to enjoy only the thrill of "getting away with child molesting".


The follows the theory of "everything has a price"... .even a "not guilty" verdict when a guilty one is legitimately earned. With fame comes fortune... with fortune comes the ability to hire the best man-eating shark lawyers on the planet. Best of luck in your future whack attempt.

Peanut brittle is dangerous stuff. Your attacker might not mind the busted ribs or dislocated shoulder he'd get from a real man, but can he handle severe gum laceration?

Mmmmm peanut brittle... your fiancee is one lucky lady:)

If you want to hit me remember - I DO hit back. Can you take as good as you give???

Mmm...peanut brittle...yummy!!

Will you be taking requests when the requisite fame level arrives?

Perhaps, in order to acheive the level you could write, star in and direct a live action Hollywood financed Dilbert movie?

Hey, it worked for other cartoon characters.

Or maybe it didn't........

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