Dancing

Last night my fiancée and I took a beginner’s dance class as sort of a first step toward not frightening children at our wedding. The instructor began by asking if anyone in the class had NEVER taken a dance class before. I was the only one to raise my hand. This was my first warning sign. Indeed, most of the class had taken THIS beginning class several times.

Luckily the instructor ignored those novices and adjusted his instruction for the one true beginner in the class. And by that I mean he singled me out with hilarious comments about my lack of ability.

For those of you who have never taken a dance class, it goes something like this. First, the instructor demonstrates some footwork a bit too fast for you to have any frickin’ idea what he did. Luckily he repeats the demonstration several times, each time differently as far as you can tell. And often you can’t see the demonstration at all because a big guy named Tim is standing in your way.

Armed with this lack of information, you take your partner and proceed to humiliate yourself by moving randomly and hoping that this flailing somehow turns into dancing over time.

The instructor offers many helpful hints such as “Lean over your foot; don’t just stick it out.” As it turns out, if you don’t know where that foot is supposed to go, the leaning doesn’t help as much as you would hope.

Then you have the issue of “leading.” Apparently that is something that a guy with a tin ear and no frickin’ clue is supposed to be doing. In other words, it’s just like the leaders at your company. But I digress. This dance-leading problem is compounded if your fiancée is an excellent dancer who can hear the beat. The Seeing Eye Dog does not like to be pushed into traffic by the blind guy.

The instructor tried to teach me the beat by repeating 1-2-3 over the music in a way that prevented me from hearing the music because he kept saying 1-2-3 really loudly. Sometimes he would throw in a 4-5-6. Sometimes he said I should move my foot forward on the 1, sometimes the 2, occasionally the 4, all without explanation. Let me tell you, if you start throwing numbers at a guy like me, they better have some &%$@* explanation to go with them. Is the beat on the 1 or the 2 or the 3, or are there three beats and then some silence? And why do you need the 4-5-6 sometimes and not other times? What the hell is the algorithm? I don’t know if rage is what most dance students feel, but my Fist of Death was starting to clench and the instructor had a near death experience without ever realizing it.

Toward the end, the instructor helpfully suggested that this beginner’s class was way over my head. Someday I hope to take a class to raise my level up to beginner.

But first I must find the beat. All I know is that it has something to do with numbers.

Comments

[bob gardner]

one bad experience can't hold you back forever so persuit of dancing is possible if you set your mind to it. Try dancing with your missus in front of the mirror and after a bit of practice you'll be ready for beginner dance lessons without being shamed!

[whoooaaa....]

I had rhythm issues as well... but I was lucky enough to have the punk scene arrive just as I was old enough to get into bars. 'Dancing' at the punk scene was great because basically any movement to the music was okay, including flopping on the ground or jumping up and down in one place. It was this loose atmosphere that shed my inhibitions; it was fun and I started feeling the beat after a while. I think the trick is to stop giving a shit what people think and let loose. I realize this is a stretch from ballroom dancing but it will get you started. Now, thirty years later, I still scare some people on the dance floor but I'm having a great time with my date and that's the point of dancing, right?

[Jenny]

I really enjoyed your blog. I'm good at dancing but I totally get why some folks have problems with it. It's the same reason why I suck at sports - which is that the teachers assume you are coming into it already knowing something.

Generally, when you try to learn a sport, it is assumed that the students have certain fundamental abilities such as hand-eye coordination, for example. In my case, that assumption is wrong. I have zero hand-eye coordination and therefore have great difficulty learning, say, tennis or any other ball sport.

By the same token, even in a beginner's dance class it is assumed that the students understand and can follow the beats of the music. Again, a wrong assumption. If you can't follow, or feel the music and you can't tell the difference between 3/4 time and 4/4 time, then dancing will be next to impossible to learn.

My suggestion is to learn some very basic music theory (time signatures, measures and musical phrasing - and by the way, music theory is totally mathematical in nature so it shouldn't be hard for a techie type). There are plenty of books and websites for this; ideally you want to find a website that has audio clips to demonstrate the concepts. Then listen to your favorite music and practice marching or tapping your feet to the rhythm until you are sure you can feel where the beats and measures are in the music.

When you have that down, then take the dance class again. And I echo the previous suggestions that you should try private lessons where you can be taught at your own pace and get more help.

[David Yates]

I love this article and think it perfectly captures what a lot of new dance students must endure.

My wife and dance partner are addressing the exact same issues on our website and in our dance lessons and classes in Vancouver BC. Partner dancing shouldn't be such a daunting puzzle, and we plan to make it more accessible to all people!

Truly, to start dancing, you don't have to count, you don't necessarily need steps, and you don't have to put yourself through so much embarassment and awkwardness! I can talk all day about this stuff--if you want more details, let me know or check our our website!

David Yates
Vancouver, BC

[Arrrgggggghh...]

YO! I'm with ya. People who DON'T have tin ears, do NOT comprehend. If you got a tin ear, you got a tin ear. Go kayaking. Go sailing. Get a motorcycle. Forget dancing, man. However, if you can't keep your own cyclical, repetitive beat, and you can't feel beat or rhythmic motion in a partner, and your brain delivers orders to your muscles on a delay, then you might qualify for a grant or a scholarship or something. Go for the money; Mmmm, you might not want to take up any of the aforementioned activities either.

[Tim]

Ok, the 1 the 2 and the 3 are all beats. The one is the stressed beat (Like a stressed syllable). It's the most important beat so has a higher salary. The 4 5 and 6 are just another way of saying 1 2 3 (4 is stressed here). You probably noticed that 4 5 6 is three just like 1 2 3.

The reason the instructor occasionally says 4 5 6 is one of a few reasons. Either the melody line seems to continue through the next part (to where the "1" would be or perhaps the instructor just sometimes feels like showing the beat in a different way. Think of beats as a way of helping you know when to move. You move in relation to the beats (Usually on them).

Good Luck

[Jan]

Had similar problems when starting a dance course with my wife some time ago. The links below have good animations showing beats AND steps for both dancers. You can slow down the animation to 1/2 and 1/4.

Some of the dance steps shown are:
Valse, right turn:
http://tanssi.org/fi/tausta/valssi-oikea.swf

Valse, left turn:
http://tanssi.org/fi/tausta/valssi-vasen.swf

Foxtrot, basic:
http://tanssi.org/fi/tausta/foksi-perusaskel.swf

Foxtrot half turn right:
http://tanssi.org/fi/tausta/foksi-oikea.swf

Left: http://tanssi.org/fi/tausta/foksi-vasen.swf

Cha-cha-cha: http://tanssi.org/fi/tausta/cha-cha-cha-perusaskel.swf

The Swedish polka dance actually looks quite fun, but is difficult in practise, the animation at 1/4 speed! helped me get the hang of it:
http://tanssi.org/fi/tausta/polkka-myota.swf

Other dances are listed at:
http://tanssi.org/fi/tausta/index.html
in Finnish, did not try if Babel fish translation can go dancing. After selecting a dance, look for the link "askelanimaatio" (step animation).

[Mary]

Try having a couple glasses of wine before your class.

If you are as bad as you say, it won't matter and alcohol usually will loosen you up enough to ‘find the beat’ (or at least think you have).

I love to dance, wine or no wine, just no whine.

[Tapd260]

I am in a tap-dancing class, which is very advanced. When I was a beginner 6 years ago, there were 10 people in my class. Now there are three.

Dancing came naturally to me. But now I understand why some people quit.

[Jon]

I was going to suggest some form of group dancing but Allison beat me to it:
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2006/04/dancing.html#comment-15948425

I would have recommended Contra (as it's american) initially as it's a LOT less regimented. You change partners so often, you forget who you started with. Also the instructions are often broadcast by the caller while the dance is happening! Another benefit is that all that matters is that you are in the right PLACE at the right time, the step is a walking step (I assume you can walk ;-)) Here's the maths behind it (!!!) http://www.sciencenews.org/pages/sn_arc97/6_14_97/mathland.htm

If you type 'contra dance california' into google it gives you loads of hits. There must be one near you.

Go to http://www.jabadaw.co.uk/ then click on sound samples. Try and see if you feel like tapping your toes or fingers with a fixed amount of time in-between the taps.

This type of dancing is much easier than ballroom as your feet rarely matter. This is why I'm having a ceilidh for my wedding.

[Brian Collecott]

I went to a dance class. The woman said something like 123.. 456... but it was 4/4 time. She meant 123(4) 567(8) just like the silent 'E' in BOCTAOE and the invisible ones in POTATO and TOMATO.

[Mela]

I did practice some dancing before but never very formal style...I always believe that everyone has his or her unique gift given by God which sometimes we just donot know it...I fould out that the love of dancing in my blood till I got into university...though now I can't have time to do dancing class due to my work, the impulse of taking a dancing class is always on my mind...anyway, wish you luck...

[Laila]

I'm a semi-professional Oriental dancer (that means I'm a bellydancer with a day job who doesn't like the term "bellydance")

There's a Turkish rhythm with a 9/8 signature that's usually played like so:

1, 3, 5, 789, 1, 3, 5, 789...etc.

Except that I'm playing zils (finger cymbals) with triplets over the one, the three, and the five. So my hands are doing this:

RLR, RLR, RLR, RLRRR. While I'm dancing, smiling, and remembering to breathe.

Be grateful that the only assymetrical time signature you have to deal with is a 3/4 waltz and you've got someone up there spazzing out with you! The first time I hear 9/8 my brain snapped in half.

Good luck!

[Jean-Marc]

First, the beat is cut into sections. These are called “bars”. For every song, there is a pre-determined number of beats inside of each bar. From the sounds of it, the music you were dancing to in your comment has 3 beats in each bar, hence the 1-2-3, 1-2-3. Sometimes this can be counted 1,2,3,4,5,6 – as long as its in groups divisible by three. The 1-6 count was simply an instance where the instructor counted two bars of music.

Now, a three beat rhythm is a little harder to dance to then a four beat rhythm, because you only have two feet. With the four beat rhythms, 1 and 3 may always be your left foot (depending on what you started with) and 2, and 4 always your right foot (…this is just like walking). With a three beat rhythm, every other bar your footing is going to be on another beat. With the first 1,2,3 set your left foot may be on 1, and on the next 1,2,3 set your right foot might be on 1 (try walking forward counting each step you make).

Now, to create the 3 beat rhythm salsa shuffle, often you move the same foot on the 3rd beat and the 1st beat. Again, try this with walking, except between the 3rd and 1st beat where the same foot is used, start going backwards, then change direction again next 3rd and 1st. Repeat.

[azwildcat88]

You should audition for that reality show, Dancing with the Stars! It would increase your exposure (not enough folks know what you really look like) and give us all some serious belly-laughs to boot!

[Meredith Gentry]

Learning to dance has been a 'bit at a time' at home away from prying eyes experience for me. Try having a gander at: http://www.dancetv.com/tutorial/index.html and http://www.thedancestoreonline.com/ballroom-dance-instruction/

Down on the right side of the 2nd link is a list of dances you can learn. Under each are various tips as well as a video or two you can play over and over and over(unless they're particularly satanic and swap the movie while you're learning, the steps will always be the same).

[Chris]

Navin R. Johnson

[Clive]

Are the pennies dropping Scott?
Why were so many others at the Beginners dance class several times over?
Because they are still trying to learn enough to come up to beginner level.
Sounds like this guy's dance class is getting repeat business when he should be giving refunds!

[Squigs]

I think you went to the wrong dance class.

I have a tin ear, no clue, and no idea of rhythm (If god had meant man to use timing he wouldn't have given us quartz!). To add to this, I don't know left from right. I went along to a modern jive class.

Firstly, this is an easy form of dance, and highly recommended for beginners. We were asked who havdn't beeen to any dance class at all before. Quite a few of us. There are also some people who have talent. We swapped partners around every few moves so we had a number of partners.

Rather than explain the moves and expect us to do the same, we wnet through them very slowly one step at a time. The first part of the first move was to step back and together. So we went through that several times before going on to the next step. Only after we all had some idea of the moves did we actually worry about timing.

Swapping partners around helped a lot. There were a lot of capable dancers, but everyone had been a total beginner once, and they were all very understanding. I was given some specialised advice from various people I partnered with, who had experience with people as inept as me. "Go under your arm" was a lot more useful than turn to the left when it takes me about 5 seconds to work out which is left.

These days I'm still clumsy and have no rhythm, but I'm, competent enough to help the total newcomers along.

[kage]

I lauged out really loud on this one. It's a fine thing to read your blogs on your inability to do something that is non-technical related to "art" or requires not thinking but feeling. : ). I hope by the time you read this, you actually get some steps in..

[A.]

Oh man!! I just took a swing dance class and that is exactly what it was like... with the too-fast footwork that changes every time... There weren't enough guys in the class so I was a leader... and I was clueless and also short. I learned to be obnoxious in order to get in front of the big guy named Tim... but it didn't help as much as I'd hoped.

[bob]

"1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3
^____ ^____ ^____ ^
L R L R L R L R L R L R"...

and the rest of the post.

Please, mommy, make the craziness stop.

[sung]

Congratulations on getting married!
Send me an invitation, won't you?

Here's some information I know will help your dance moves.

Neben der Klassifizierung nach Anzahl der Tanzenden in Einzel-, Paar- und Gruppentanz kann auch der Anlass oder Rahmen des Tanzens zur Unterscheidung von Volkstanz, Gesellschaftstanz und Tanzsport verwendet werden. Die folgende Tabelle stellt das zweidimensionale Kategorienschema beispielhaft dar, sie erhebt keinen Anspruch auf Vollständigkeit:
Einige Tänze lassen sich mehreren Kategorien zuordnen, während andere Sonderformen darstellen, die sich nicht vollständig in dieses System einfügen lassen, z.B. Ballett und Ausdruckstanz als rein künstlerische Formen, meditatives Tanzen als Selbsterfahrung, Striptease als erotische Selbstdarstellung oder Bandaloop als Fusion aus Tanz und der Sportart Klettern. Gelegentlich werden Tänze aufgrund spezieller Merkmale nicht als Teil des Systems empfunden obwohl sie gut einordenbar sind, so z.B. der Stepptanz, der durch den perkussiven Einsatz der Fußtechnik das Tanzen mit dem Spielen eines Rhythmusinstrumentes verbindet.

[Leora]

I second the vote for lots of open bar time for everyone before the dancing. Lots of booze for you means fewer inhibitions and a greater likelihood of actually relaxing enough to look like you're enjoying yourself. And lots of booze for your new wife and many guests also means a greater likelihood of nobody noticing whether you're doing a waltz or the Turbo Dork.

And maybe mention to the photographer that you want only close-up headshots of your first dance, just in case. And maybe steel toes for the wife's shoes...

Good luck!

[Cynthia Tieri]

Dear Scott, Please do not exercise the Shame Thing. You have the Smart Thing, you have the Creativity Thing, you have the Number Thing. You have the Good to Cats Thing. You do not have the Dance Thing, so, no one has every Thing.

[Jo-y_ful]

For my aunties wedding none of us knew the bridal waltz... they introduced it at the reception we all got up and did the chicken dance instead

[Len]

Scott, you seem to be rhythmically rotten, and co-ordinatedly crappy. But things might not be as bad as you think. Take a real world example – have you ever tapped your foot to a song? Nodded your head with the music? That’s basic dancing.

Listen to a real band, playing real music. For example, listen to the Boss and the E-Street band – that music can teach you rhythm, teach you how to hear the beat. How? Max uses a pretty simple drum set – not with ten little drums set to different pitches so you can run the scales (doh, tee, lah, soh, fah, me, rae, doh – they generally run downwards in rock music, not upwards) – but with big drums and big noises. And he keeps the beat loudly, clearly audible, and as a part of the music, not buried under masses of irrelevant noise. The Boss plays to that sound, expects it to be very up front and not just somewhere as an afterthought. Listen to the recording of “Born in the USA”, followed by “Seeds” on the “Live 75-85” set. Follow the beat. Tap your foot. Nod your head. Practice. (Being English, I should probably suggest you listen to the Rolling Stones, but they’re often more guitar oriented for the beat).

At the very least, when the day comes, enjoy dancing with your new wife (and until then, enjoy dancing with your fiancée). You don’t have to emulate Fred & Ginger (as someone else here said). Just have fun - with her. I’m sure she’d prefer to have you enjoy dancing with her (so she can enjoy dancing with you), rather than worrying about what other (in this sense, unimportant) people think. And ask the band to play a slow, smoochy number, rather than a real waltz (why not? It’s your wedding). You get to hold her very close, for a couple of minutes, in front of everybody. Enjoy!

[aj]

have you ever noticed that when you are told to be careful about something it usally happens

[andrew]

"the Star Spangled Banner is a waltz."

Ron Hardin

That is cool i did not know that thanks ron

[cyber_rigger]

In the old days you could play your 45 records at 33 1/3.

You could practice dancing in slow motion then speed it up later.

I'm sure there is some equivalent technology today.

[Richard]

I don't even attempt to dance anymore. Once upon a time I was informed that when I dance I look like an ape in heat.

[David Kimball]

What's worse is if you know music but not dancing. They will tell you to go one-two-three, but the music is in four/four timing. So one measure you're on the down-beat, the next on the two-beat, and so on until you get to be on the downbeat again. If you're used to emphasizing the downbeat, the dance won't make any sense. And they won't tell you. It's that way, I understand, so that it doesn't matter when you start. Almost all the music is four/four so you need to count with the "and" and the "and - ah" and not listen to the beat. That's hard to do when you're trained to listen for the downbeat.

[CH]

Say your vows while bungee jumping, then claim that you pulled a muscle when it's time to dance.

[Jayne Marie]

Hi Scott,
You're not alone...
I was the only one in the history of my college who had to have a tutor for PE...yes...it was a dance class. For the first several lessons, I stood there twitching, trying to get the smae body part moving as the instructor--by the time my brain figured out what body part was required for activation, she was onto something else; hence, the twitching. We won't mention the further humiliation of giving myself whiplash whilst tossing my hair hair back in my disco twitching phase...

Anyway, this IS a case where the thought counts...and everyone will admire you for trying--especially if your 'handicap' remains obvious.

P.S. The tutor helped, I still love dancing, my husband loves me and is okay with my advanced twitching, and it is a great way to embarrass one's children!

[Eric]

Hahahahahaahahahaha. This was your best story in a while, Scott. I smell a come back.

[Eric]

Hahahahahaahahahaha. This was your best story in a while, Scott. I smell a come back.

[Shawn Yarbrough]

[ Scott should have linked to his past blog entry about dancing: ]

http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2005/12/how_to_dance.html

[ Here's the part containing one of my favorite phrases of all time (the last two words): ]

I wanted to know the tricks and techniques involved. Predictably, the selfish dancing bastards would give me useless suggestions such as “Try to feel the rhythm” or “Just do what comes naturally.” This advice, plus large amounts of Grey Goose, produced in me a movement that could only be described as Turbo-Dork.

[Eric]

Hahahahahaahahahaha. This was your best story in a while, Scott. I smell a come back.

[Bob]

I never learned to dance and I am good at many things, but when it comes to dancing I've got two left feet. But since dancing is basically a human mating ritual, there is no doubt that a guy who can come across like John Travolta at a night club is going to have far more success with the opposite sex. An inability to dance is like a peacock without feathers.

Better sign one up for one of those classes myself I guess...

[amar]

Engineers sientists and other odd people are just computers that know how to swear. They don't do true 'arty' stuff they just compres it till you get a pixelated/cliped distoriton of the true thing

[invoice factoring]

Poor guy. My wife and I took a salsa dancing class some years ago. She totally got it. I did not. What is worse, I was born in south america - and as you know - we have salsa instead of blood.

Just remeber one thing. At a wedding, everyone looks at the bride. The groom just stands there.

[SpotOn]

Just do the "White Man Overbite" on the dance floor and be done with it. I can't believe you're even TAKING lessons. Save the effort for the inevitable Lamaze class, dude.

[Aleksandar]

Wow, Scott, you really know how to squesse the fun out of everything... I was just planning to give in and take dancing lessons with my girlfrieng... BUt now that seems like a bad idea, us both studying engineering...
Thank you very much!!

[tuba guy]

gah!!!

the blog software took out all the space repeats and destroyed the vertical alignment of the count sheets I made.

so it goes

here's a corrected version from the first post
The layers of sets and subsets look like this:

I was dancing with my darling to the tennesee waltz
3 & 1 2 3 & 1 2 3 & 1 2 3& 1 2
____I ______II_____ III___ IV
first sub phrase - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

when something and something and more (not actual lyrics)
3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2
__I____ II____III__ IV (4 5 )
second sub phrase - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Now try combining the musical and logical skills by moving your feet, still while sitting at your computer. Just tap your big toe in your shoe. (L=Left, R=Right)

I was dancing with my darling to the tennesee waltz
3 & 1 2 3 & 1 2 3 & 1 2 3& 1 2
wait L R L R L R L R L R L etc.
_____^____ ^____ ^____ ^

and the second one

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3
^____ ^____ ^____ ^
L R L R L R L R L R L R

[Dmitry Z]

Simple advice from someone who does not have a built-in beat and mixes his two only legs: I was able to learn dancing because the beginning class only had two pairs. When the third pair joined once, it was clear the class was barely progressing. Even more radical - take dancing lessons being the ONLY student of that instructor, then you don't even have a problem with your partner not understanding something. Costs more but works well.

[Ron Hardin]

If he's saying 1-2-3 then it's a waltz.

A lot of people don't realize that the Star Spangled Banner is a waltz. Just copy what marching bands do.

[shorttricky]

"The Seeing Eye Dog does not like to be pushed into traffic by the blind guy."

This made me cough soda out of my nose.

My keyboard is not an attractive sight now.

[cMAD]

Private lessons sound like a good plan.

Of course, it's essential that you identify dance as what it really is, and then pick the appropriate expert.

That big guy Tim - was he an Enchanter?

[Jeeves Melchington]

I'm 6'3", so for some reason when I did dancing at school all the girls wanted to dance with me. Of course being a gay guy this really gave me no excitement whatsoever. But I did learn to waltz. Sadly I will never get married (I don't believe in it, and even if I did presently it's not legal where I live anyway).

I'd be happy to donate my skill to you Scott but I don't think there's presently any method of doing so. Live Long and Prosper :)

[David]

Allison is spot on. The SCD dancing world is full of engineers, maths professors, accountants and other "numerally orientated" folk. The cerebral challenge of SCD does tend to allow guys like you to become good dancers.

Then on the topic of 2 blogs ago you could innocently ask Allison if she enjoys Balls...

Keep Up The Great Work, David

[Ballroom Dancer]

The best two words for learning wedding dances:

ARTHUR MURRAY!!!!

...and just enjoy yourself at your wedding. Nobody really expects you two to be Fred and Ginger, just newlyweds!

[Mr Pink Eyes]

I remember having to do dancing in high school, it sucked arse. For a start I was one of the geeky guys that girls refused to in any way participate with, and of course the teachers choose to assume it was me who was causing all the trouble. They're a bright bunch them PE teachers!

Oh well years have passed, I'm now moving up the ladder within a major organisation and they all work at my local supermarket, so I get to have the last laugh as they pack my groceries!

The other bad thing is they kept playing this one song we had to dance to and the teacher on her microphone would keep going "in two three four, back two three together" now whenever that song is on the radio I keep hearing that in my head!

I hate dancing!

[femmebot]

God. I'm really bad at organized dance moves, too. Must be an engineering thing. You have no IDEA how it feels to take aerobic classes and be the only woman to repeatedly collide with both her own feet and the mirror.

I did get the hang of two or three standard dance steps, though. So I suppose there is a light at the end of the tunnel, if you can find an instructor who can explain to you - with WORDS, not feet - what you're supposed to be doing.

[Conks]

Funny, the number of comments posted as I write this right now is exactly 123.

[Guy]

Don't feel bad Scott, I'm sure plenty of your loyal readers, myself included, can't dance.

And you have the Fist of Death? That's awesome!

[EB]

The beat is often what makes you effortlessly tap a finger or foot or nod your head to when listening to music that you are familiar with.

When I first tried listening to my hubby's fav CD's it sounded like repetitive noise. Now I like them, can groove to the beat and can hear the variety that overlays the repetitive noise.

Assuming that its because you're not used to the music, maybe get copies of the dance tunes and go for long drives with your intended. You might start picking up on the beat naturally and you'll still be romancing your fiance at the same time.

[WCE]

I once had a girlfriend who'd lived in Greece for a while.

Over my objections, she insisted on teaching me how the Greeks dance.

"Always start out on your left foot.", she said, and then counted out an odd number of steps that I was supposed to dance to.

I asked her if there was some sort of skip or hop, something that would make it possible for me to follow the instructions, but she just looked at me funny.

No skips or hops, alternate each foot with each count, and alway start out with the left foot.

With an odd number of steps...

She never understood my objection, but eventually she gave up.

[Jesús Pérez]

That sounds as martial arts to me.

First, the sensei performs some movement really fast. Then he repeats it several times, completely different ways each time. "Don't repeat what I do. Just try to get the essence of what I'm doing", he says. Finally the class members make couples to practise the exercsise, and you find yourself clueless beside a ex-con alike black belt who smiles at you.

Just an advcice. Get a gun!

[NEP]

Any mention of dancing, and I'm out of there faster than you can say "breadsticks".

[Linda the goose]

If you were a physicist, you'd go to Amazon and buy a book on dancing, and read and think and practice and read and think and practice....
But dancing is about love and romance (I know, I'm such a sap). Break out the good wine, put on some music like they were playing in class, and practice with your squeeze until you get the hang of it. She will LOVE you for it :)
It might always seem lame to you, but it's one of those things where we really appreciate a sincere effort (and the ABSOLUTE absence of any eye-rolling whatsoever at all)

[xphys]

lol, you really nailed it! Personally, I think that dance was invented by non-engineering/science types as a form of revenge. As in "sure, you can build a rocket to get to the moon and/or understand quantum mechanics, but can you do *this* (cue dance music). Hah, I thought not and laugh at your lack of coordination... vengence is mine (cue evil laugth)."

ps. nightclubs are worse than dance lessons imho. Not are you made to spasm in an embarrassing fashion in front of others (ie. dance), but because there are no "right" steps there is zero chance of avoiding humiliation.

[Terriful]

My goodness. I really DO live in my own little world, I guess. I have never thought of myself as a backward bumpkin...But now I wonder.

I grew up in beautiful Boulder, Colorado. Was married on Flagstaff Mountain at the Halfway House. (for those that don't get it..a halfway house means a resting stop not a drug rehab or what have you.) Went to school in Northern CA. Raised my kid in Southern CA.

I still LIVE in the boonies..but I work in town. I still drive a soft top Jeep and have hair past my waist. The only reason I never take off my top (JEEP, GUYS) is because the wind would knock my grand kids heads clean off!

And I don't know what the heck you folks are talking about! To me, dancing is simply...well, dancing! Oh Gosh, I really am stuck in the 60's aren't I.

I'm really, REALLY NOT the POMP kind of woman. Give me simple and relaxed.

Would anybody like to see my poppies? Oh..they're so pretty right now. And the red tailed hawks on my hill just killed a rabbit and I'm watching them eat it. Is that cool or what? I'm with ya Scott...I am! Take my advice..find a mountain and your closest friends and family ONLY and do it..either that or LOS VEGAS is fun. We renewed our vows there and had a ball. No family, no friends...just us. That pomp crap just sounds expensive and stressful.

Be happy and remember... Married couples should never fight. But if you must fight, fight to win. ;-D

[Amethyst]

There's gotta be a "Dancing for Dummies" DVD or book you can order from someplace. I mean, if they have Sex for Dummies, there's gotta be a "Dancing" book.

Wait a sec, I'll quick do a search.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0028643453/sr=1-1/qid=1144457637/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-3745060-7647165?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s;=books

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Ballroom Dancing" exists.

And there is a "Ballet for Dummies" book. I doubt that would go over big at your wedding, though.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0764525689/sr=1-3/qid=1144457637/ref=pd_bbs_3/104-3745060-7647165?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s;=books

However, there is a Wedding Kit for Dummies:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0764552635/sr=1-226/qid=1144457872/ref=sr_1_226/104-3745060-7647165?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s;=books

[Crushed]

Uncle Scott,

Didn't you post a blog entry a few months ago that taught us all how to dance? Does this mean that you really don't know what you're talking about after all?

[Kira Golden]

As a dancer, i simply cannot understand how it is difficult, but it seems to be for some people. apparently it is for you. by the way, the 1-2-3 is the rhythm, darling, not the beat. they're somewhat different. but believe me, for people who actually have a bit of control over the movement of their bodies and who understand the music, dance is awesome. the best.

[Survivor Nate]

Scott. Give up on the fast stuff, especially salsa which is the rage these days in dancing schools. It takes too long to learn if you hadn't started young. Last thing you want is a load of guests taking videos of your efforts that will manage to find their way to the internet. Actually a waltz isn't too hard to learn which is why so many people can dance it. It's very romantic, the wife will love it, and it stands the test of time. Best of all, no one on the internet will be interested.

[allison]

Dance Help from Engineers?

When I first started contemplating dance, it was painful to watch, because I was so embarrassed by how foolish I thought they looked, not to mention their close resemblance to turkeys or cranes in a mating dance from one of those nature films.

When I finally started to learn, it was because I loved the music so much (that's pretty good incentive). I started in Scottish Country dance, a bit regimented for some people, but they counted out loud, and all but gave you a map -- at the end of 12, be HERE, on this 'X'! At first, you only fret about getting HERE at the right time, soon, you begin to make getting from there to HERE look a bit more graceful, and next, the music is INDEED telling you, helpfully, what to do.

The other helpful thing for beginners in SCD (and related dance, English country, contra, Playford, etc.) is they don't leave you alone, they stick you in with 3 or 4 or 5 others, and drag you along like the new dog on a sled team. Two beginners together is NOT helpful.

And the last thing about SCD (and it's ilk) is that a lot of ENGINEERS seem to like it -- precise, mathematical, predictable, repeating patterns and measures. The kilt and bagpipes are optional. In fact, through dance, I learned to appreciate (some) engineers.

Good luck.
Allison

[Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson the Great]

Heh. Yeah. I took swing dancing lessons once and it was HARD! I got maybe one of the steps down.

[Minister of Silly People in Green]

It's like learning to ride a bike. You'll crash and burn numerous times until you finally get it. The best part is, you won't be able to explain how you got it.

[Kim]

You will never find the beat, Scott.

Some people can't, and it isn't a character flaw.

My husband, whom I met in the middle of the disco craze, couldn't find a beat if it was presented by Elmo himself. He still can't.

But he sure looked cute in Angel Flights and silk shirts! With gold chains!!! : )

[Minister of Silly People in Green]

Hey John,
Please use English.

[tuba guy]

Multiple Intelligence Dance Instructions
Lesson Two

To proceed you should be able to do the following -
Feel the beat of a waltz, including the 3 beat pattern
(Strong weak weak)
Hear how the groups of three beats are combined into
sets of eight with subsets of two and four groups
Understand, hear, and feel how the three beat pattern
creates alternating foot placement on the strong
beat. With the left foot starting on the strong
beat coming back to it after six counts. You
should be able to move your feet to the beat
following the pattern below.

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3
^ ^ ^ ^
L R L R L R L R L R L R

You should be able to rock back and forth to the beat in the correct time, while counting sets of three and/or six. You can count "123456 or 123223," or simultaneously in layers, whichever helps you most.

You now have a musical, logical, and body/kinesthetic understanding of waltz time.

Now you need to understand how it moves through space. The pattern is a box. The box pattern is six counts long.

^ count 1 is a small left foot step forward,
count 2 is brings the right foot forward and to the side
so that the feet are slightly spread
count 3 brings the left foot across so both feet touch

^ count 4 brings the right foot straight back
count 5 brings the left foot back to its original
position
count 6 brings the right foot back to its original
position

An animated diagram of the box can be found at this URL
http://www.eriksummers.com/dance/dance_waltz.shtml

Now, without the music, move your feet in the box pattern until you can do it without thinking about the pattern. You might find a natural rythm. You might not.

Once you have the pattern, count threes and say the strong beats strong. When that is easy, add the numbers.

When all of that is easy, add the music.

You really need to do all these learning steps by yourself. Then, when they're second nature, try holding onto your girl the way the dance master showed you. I suggest you practice on plush carpet in stocking feet. Be patient with each other and remember that it's supposed to be fun.

Eventually it might be.

There's also a thing about turning 90 degrees every six counts so that each set of six moves the box in a different cardinal direction. That way the eight sets of three, or four sets of six, bring you in a big pattern back to the beginning at the end of the musical phrase. Your dance teacher can show you that.

Now my rant - does it occur to anyone that all those people who are taking the beginning class a second or third time failed to learn to dance the first time because of the teacher? So why do the students with whom he failed return?

Maybe he has good hip sway when he dances.

[Jay.W]

Don't worry, all rational thinking is lost at weddings.

You could be John Travolta or Johnny Clubfoot, either way everyone older than you will cry, everyone younger than you will also cry, but for mercy, and your wife will cry, thinking it's the romantic thing in the world.

[Sally Hemmings]

Thomas Jefferson stated the seminal observaton;"Any man who likes to dance is either drunk or a fool"

[Stan Smith]

Scott, how much weight can you pack on before the wedding? If you're obese, no one expects you to be able to dance.

It's like the story of the dog walking on his hind legs: he doesn't do it very well, but everyone's amazed that he can do it at all.

[Albert York]

Scott, I had an experience that was almost identical with my first wife. Halfway through the first lesson she suggested that I let her lead until I got the hang of it. Since this didn't happen after 3 lessons we both decided it was a waste of time. We solved the problem by having our reception on a river boat with no dance floor. However, it did have an open bar which lead to an impromtue demonstration of our dancing abilities. So now I associate dancing with humiliation. I think people who dance well don't understand that engineers have to learn things intellectually and just "doing it" doesn't lead to positive results.

[Grant Glewwe]

Perhaps you are completely overloaded by now Scott. I suggest you remember that the main reason for dancing is to have fun. Then I suggest you tap the San Francisco Branch of the RSCDS (Royal Scottish Country Dance Society) on the shoulder, and attend some of their weekly dance classes.

Find classes at: http://www.intercityscot.org/classList.php#California

[For information about San Francisco Branch-RSCDS classes, contact Susie Langdon Kass 415-333-9372 susielk@cls.ucsf.edu. Web site: http://www.rscds-sf.org .]

You have some amazing teachers out there, and while it won't help you at your wedding, you are bound to have fun, and I'm sure you would look great in a kilt. I got married in mine. If you wear a kilt to your wedding, I doubt anyone will notice whether or not you can dance.

[Gene]

Marcus wrote:

> Son you gots to FEEL it.
>
> it's usually best to just feel the music, let loose and
> not worry about counting. Music/dancing is not matth.

Come on Marcus, the man's an ENGINEER. What you wrote means NOTHING to him! Not dissing on engineers too much, some of my best friends are engineers; including the woman who had me as her man of honor at her wedding.

[Sparks]

You were lucky to have a real instructor. My girlfriend and I signed up for lessons only to find out that all the teachers were just students who had taken the class so many times they got asked to teach. Sort of like telephone...

[Azhure]

Am I correct then, in assuming that you won't be taking up that offer to appear on the next season of Dancing With The Stars?

[Dan R]

Two words: Box Step

[John Coffee]

I know exactly how you feel Scott. I once took part in a class where this genius instructor reckoned he could teach us all to salsa. His technique was to start everyone walking round in a circle with music on in the background and gradually turn walking into dancing, one easy stage at a time. Within fifteen minutes I had forgotten how to walk.

[The Almighty Blog]

Maybe work on a dance with Dilbert ala Gene Kelly and Tom and Jerry?

[tuba guy]

Scott,

I'm a band director who specializes in marching band choreography. One of my special skills is helping geeks become "marching band geeks."

First of all, don't panic. Dancing is more and less than a mystic social ritual. It also has well defined rules. The better the dance form, the more complicated the rules, but EVERYONE who can walk can do a simple dance like the waltz, if they are taught in a reasonable way.

There is an easy way for techies to learn choreography. You just can't learn it all at once. Each dance style has a different routine that has to be learned as a set of subroutines.

The research of Dr. Howard Gardner (http://www.pz.harvard.edu/PIs/HG.htm) tells us that everyone learns a variety of ways, and that all human activities require the use of multiple intelligences.

To learn to waltz, you have to use at least the following:
musical intelligence - to feel the beat of the tune and
hear the long sequential patterns
logical/mathmatical intelligence - to count the steps
and coordinate them with the beat of the music
body/kinesthetic intelligence - to make the right steps
in the right order
spatial intelligence - to know where the steps are
taking you and your partner.

That's four of eight possible intelligences. Then to actually ENJOY dancing, you'll need -
interpersonal intelligence - to empathize with your
partner and
intrapersonal - to understand how dancing makes you
happy

I suggest you forget about enjoying it for now, and just work on acquiring the skills. Enjoyment will come with well earned accomplishment. blah blah blah

So, enough rationale, here's a very simple sequence to learn to waltz.

Download this recording of the Tennesee Waltz from the Hal Leonard demo site. It's got annoying beeps so you can't use it for enjoyment, but they happen on the counts, so you'll tune them out after a while.

http://halleonard.com/audio/04626232.mp3

MUSICAL
Sit in your chair and listen to it as many times as you need to in order to hear and feel the beat. This will be different for each person but it could take a lot of time. Try gently tapping your hand against your chest above your heart in time to the music. When that feels good, proceed to the next step.

LOGICAL/MATHMATICAL
Waltz has a "form." That means all waltzes are basically the same. Once you understand one, the rest are really easy.

You should be able to notice that the waltz is organized into small groups of three beats (STRONG weak weak,) and that the small groups of three are organized into long sets of eight groups. Each long set can also be divided into sub sets of two groups and sub sets of four groups. The words of the song (linguistic intelligence) can help you find the sets and sub sets.

The layers of sets and subsets look like this:

I was dancing with my darling to the tennesee waltz
3 & 1 2 3 & 1 2 3 & 1 2 3& 1 2
I II III IV
first sub phrase - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

when something and something and more (not actual lyrics)
3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2
I II III IV (4 5 )
second sub phrase - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Now try combining the musical and logical skills by moving your feet, still while sitting at your computer. Just tap your big toe in your shoe. (L=Left, R=Right)

I was dancing with my darling to the tennesee waltz
3 & 1 2 3 & 1 2 3 & 1 2 3& 1 2
wait L R L R L R L R L R L etc.
^ ^ ^ ^

You'll notice that because the Waltz is in 3 but you only have two feet, each group of three starts on alternating feet. Listen to the waltz and feel how the strong beat shifts from left to right and back. Repeat the movement in your feet over and over until you can move your feet to the beat without thinking about the beat.

That's lesson one - and now I have to run an errand, but I'll post lesson two when I get back.

[Mike Houle]

The way I see it "Fancy Dancin" is phony. So long as you dont appear to be having a siezure you should dance how you feel. If that happens to be off beat, great. Having to dance the way someone else tells me too kinda takes the fun out of it for me.
Take line dancing for instance...that's just something girls thought up so they can get cowboys to bump into them on the dance floor.
.........I have an intense feeling that I should vote now.

[Drew]

Two words: Mosh. Pit.

1-2-3
1-2-3
Shove-bang head-shove

[bcammack]

This reminds me of the time my ex-wife tried to explain how to play Texas 42, a bidding game with dominos. She knows how to play Bridge, Hearts, and other forms of bidding games whereas I'd only played forms of Poker all my life. Naturally, she starts talking about "bidding" and "tricks" and "slams" and I have no frickin' clue what the Hell those are.

As I continued to protest that I didn't understand, she simply repeated the same explanation, using the same foreign terminology until I finally repeated it back to her verbatim (I had memorized it by that point) only subtituting nonsense words like "Glark", "Frip", and "Prang" for "Bid", "Trick", and "Slam". At that point she shut up and went away for a while until she finally figured out how to define and explain the terminology before trying to explain the game itself.

Some people suck as teachers even though they stubbornly continue in the profession. Ask yourself, "Why, if this guy is a good teacher, are all of these people here again for the same Beginning class? If he was any damned good, they'd all be in the Intermediate class after taking this one once, no?"

Do yourself a favor; get a refund and find another class with a good teacher or get one-on-one tutoring. Somehow I suspect that you might be able to afford it. :) Unless she's invited the Swiss Army to your nuptuals...

[Sam Reich]

Scott Adams once did a brilliant cartoon of my father, former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, that still hangs in his office.

Please visit www.robertreich.blogspot.com.

[Jason]

That is so true. I took my first dance class last Friday with a girl who actually knows how to dance. I had essentially the same problem. Beginner was way too advanced since everybody there had already taken the class for at least a month. In the end, I learned what the Texas Two Step is supposed to look like, but the odds of me being able to duplicate it are near zero.

Of course, it didn't help that the spinning globe in the middle of the room practically gave me a seizure. Also, the beat of the music was WAY to fast. The instructor was counting to a beat that, to me, sounded like it was in no way coordinated with the music. But, I figure it had to be since every time the song changed, the rate at which he counted changed.

In the end, I decided to go pack to drinking alone and finding women who don’t like to dance. I'm one week in today, and it seems to be going well. I haven't made a total ass out of myself since last week.

[Tim]

Some big guy named Tim? As a medium guy named Tim, that's a first for me. Most people just preface my name with "There are some who call you...".

I've had the measure and beat thing explained, my daughter and son get it, but I don't. I made it through my reception, danced with my wife, mother, and mother-in-law (fortunately they frowned on dancing with my father-in-law). It was also in New Orleans, where it is apparently illegal to have a reception WITHOUT an open bar and line dancing. I still get to tell people the marriage license application asked if I was related to the person I wished to marry.

[Ben]

Sounds very like my experience
http://bensaunders.blogspot.com/2006/02/dancing.html

Our instructor kept doing 1-2-3, 2-2-3, 3-2-3, 4-2-3, 5-2-3, 6-2-3. Took me a while to work that one out (each step, and the beat)

[montypython]

"Oh...No, it's 'Being Hit on the Head' lessons in here. You want the room next door"

[Elisa]

Actually, you are already at the beginner level. I am certain of this because my best friend is a bartender at a Moose Lodge. Picture Friday Night Karaoke with 70 and 80 year olds doing a conga line, the "electric slide" and the "boot scootin boogie", while some of the members actually attempt in vain to carry a tune in a rusty tin pail shot full o' holes. You push your beautiful seeing eye dog and tap your red-tipped cane on your blue suede shoes, and by the way have a wonderful life together. I wish you much happiness.

[trackzero]

Scott,

Lamaze" isn't a dance style. I had the same misunderstanding a couple years back.

Minor edits, and your post is still valid:

Replace "dance" with "Lamaze" (6 replacements)
replace "Dancing" with "child birth" (2)
replace both "leading" and "music" with "breathing" (2 each)
replace "hear" with "feel" (2)

Search-and-replace as directed, and the post still pretty much makes sense.

[Don]

The only problem with learning how to dance from DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) is that you look very stupid doing it anywhere else besides in front of the game.

Stick with basic slow dancing. All you have to do is hold her tight and kind of sway side to side, shifting your weight from foot to foot, while slowly turning in a circle. Or, you could instead focus all your energy into learning the lyrics to "Ice, Ice Baby." You only need to know the words, not the dance. If you can pull that off at the reception everyone will forget how bad you danced the rest of the night.

[Todd]

The beat is what the cowbell plays. If the music doesn't have a cowbell, you have to imagine one, and that will tell you where the beat is. For example, suppose you are dancing to the waltz Der Rosenkavalier. Just imagine the cowbell going "CLANK Clank Clank CLANK Clank Clank" in the way that fits in so, so nicely with the song, and you've got it!

[Tom Davis]

=== The Music Doesn't Matter ===

The key here is in your statement "in a way that prevented me from hearing the music." That was the point, you see. He was -- somewhat ineptly -- trying to emphasize that you didn't need to hear the music. That's right. The music is not important.

When people dance in movies while some characters are talking, there was no music actually playing when the actors were dancing. The music was put in later. Really.

I used to tend bar in a dance club. We were close to Galludet University, the nation's only university for the deaf. We had a large contingent of deaf clients who danced. They got as much out of dancing as hearing people because The Music Doesn't Matter.

=== DOM dee dee ===

The way the beat thing goes is, usually the first beat of the measure is a special beat when you can make the biggest moves.

What do I mean by usually? It's like GOTO. Everyone knows you don't use GOTO statements, but sometimes really good programmers who understand that at Assembly level GOTO statements are being generated, will use them anyway (or more ususally things that behave like them like labels in perl). Beginners may not be able to easily see when it's okay, so they should never do it. Likewise begining dancers should always do the big move on the first beat of the measure. In the case of 4,5,6, the instructor made a mistake. He knew the numbers were not actually important, so they didn't make a difference to him, but he never explained that to you. In this case 1 and 4 were aliases for the same thing, the first beat of the measure. A better way to get that across might be to use DOM dee dee instead of 1,2,3.

If you can't tell which is the DOM and which are the dees when you hear music, but your fiancee can, just have her tap out the beat on your shoulder or whisper it in your ear. And don't worry about the music. Maybe some day you will be able to 'hear the beat', maybe not. But it doesn't really matter. Knowing that your wife is the only person you can dance with is kind of romantic.

=== A better instructor ===

The fact that many people had taken that particular class before and are returning might be a clue that if you actually want to learn to dance, you might want to try some other class with some other instructor. Ask people you know who have had to learn about their experiences.

[Zaz]

You have my sympathy. My first dance lesson -and my last if I can help it- was Tango. The other couples were moving around in a circle, as instructed, while my gf and I just broke through the lines going all over the place under my 'leadership'. I've decided to stick to beer sponsored free style dancing.

[Jon]

Think fractels. A "measure" is Important and is the basis for bootstrapping the rhythm into something usable. Then, twice as fast as that is Less Important, but more important than twice as fast as that. Somebody decided that you couldn't do anything interesting without at least 4 beats, so these pulses became 1,2,3, and 4. 1 is most important, 3 is slightly less important, 2 is even less important, and 4 is frequently left out completely. Twice as slow as the measure pulse starts the first measure and the third measure, so you have two measure phrases, twice as slow as that is that pulse is on the first measure and the 5th measure, so you have 4 measure phrases and so on. But it's all sequences of 2. These are the "stuffy" dances.

Then, somebody decided that everybody knew that pattern, so they changed only one part of it: the measure would have 3 beats, where 2 and 3 are the same importance. But everything else is the same. These are the "pretty" dances, like a waltz, which is why it's the dance at your wedding.

Then, somebody decided that was too easy. African music tradition put a lot of emphasis on this sort of thing, but they liked layering rhythms on top of each other so that the rhythms would align, descend into almost chaos, and then realign if everybody did everything correctly. Like sequences of 2's and sequences of 3's realign on 0, 6, 12, 18, and so on, but 2,4,,8,10,,14,16,, etc., just miss lining up with 3,,9,,15,, etc. So, when that tradition was combined with Western musical tradition in the Carribean and in New Orleans, they started doing things like dancing a three step sequence of 4 bean Western music so that each repetition was different because each repetition lined up with differently Important beats. These are the "fun" dances, because every so often somebody gets "turned around" and lets the music confuse them, they step wrong and, if we're lucky, they fall down and everybody gets a good laugh.

Here's the trouble: you have to lead. I don't really care how liberated the woman is, men are still activated sexually by vision and so women want to be pretty. Your job is to make all the decisions for her in the dance so that she can focus on being graceful and pretty and making everybody look at her. There's no getting around that; that's the whole point.

[daveb]

Didn't you once have a series in Dilbert that touched on somebody's ego or manhood manifesting itself as some sort of shrivled up rasin with arms and an attitude?

Why am I reminded of that series when I read this post?

[Lazy Boy]

Unfortunately that's the way it goes, you either have rhythm or you don't. I was lucky; I did get the boogie gene from my parents so that stuff comes naturally to me. It's like spatial perception, you either have it or you don't.

Have you ever tried giving directions to someone who doesn't have spatial perception? It's useless, their brain cannot translate the instructions you give them. They probably feel the same way you did at you dance class.

My girlfriend has that problem. What I've learned from her is that people without spatial perception use cow paths. Ways of getting around, ways that are familiar to them, it's nowhere close to efficient but it works for them. So if she knows how to get to point X and point A is on the way, I can explain it to her, otherwise I have to drive her several times. The funniest thing is when they cannot connect dots on the map... Err, yeah, right, dancing...

If you really want to fight this uphill battle, you’ll need some serious rhythm to engineering translation. You must accept the fact that your dancing will unlikely be up to par with someone with rhythm no matter how much you practice but these few tips might prevent injuries and public humiliation. So, here it goes:

1) You must disconnect your hips from your central nervous system or allocate independent cerebellum resources to the hips.
2) You must study dancing diagrams showing you the steps in the order they must be performed. (Practice on your own that will prevent the wedding from being cancelled)
3) Once you have memorized the steps, attempt to execute the steps while listening to music. Should this step prove to be too difficult, you’ll need to purchase a metronome and match the steps to the tic toc of the metronome.
4) At this point you can ask your victim… err, dance partner to dance with you.
5) If you can dance with your partner for more than five minutes without inflicting pain, you can now lead. To do so, you must apply very little pressure to your partner’s hip to signal your intent to change direction.

Once you master all these steps you can sign up for dance class. :)

[ThreeCrackedCheeks]

I can tear down a lawn mower or snow thrower engine and put it back together. I can run CAT-5 cable for phones and LAN connections and keep the connections straight. I can dig up a garden and grow reasonable looking, living plants. I can dig into the ugliest Windows code you've ever seen, crush the bugs and get it up and running before the department head's head explodes. I can ride a horse. I can cook a good meal from scratch. I can carry on a conversation with almost anyone about almost anything. But if I have to dance, you'll see me running to find a panic room from which I won't emerge until the music stops. To me the worst thing about a wedding isn't the church part or the dry food or the drawn out speeches or the drunks - it's the obligatory dancing! I just shrug and say, "Sorry, I'm a guy - I can't dance!" Good luck!!

[Tim Andrews]

I just wanted to say that I am Tim..... and I'm not THAT big!

[PigleT]

Dan P writes: "and you will (hopefully) be compelled to lead to keep her from crashing into the wall."

Ssshhh. Don't tell the ladies but the whole secret *point* of a Shetland _Strip the Willow_ *is* to send the females flying off centripetally, into the walls ;)

[Fuzznsmoo]

The hips - what happened to the hips? Vic Braden would be very dissapointed.

[2leftfeet]

I'm thinking fake leg/ankle injury right before the wedding .. unless you're honeymooning in Aspen

[John S.]

It's easy. Waltz 3-step to 3-beat, first beat is downbeat: 1-2-3. Cha-cha is a 4-step to 4-beat, but the downbeat is the 2nd beat: 2-3-cha-cha-cha etc. Foxtrot is a 3-beat dance to a 4-beat time, so it's 1-2-3-and 4-1-2-and 3-4-1-and 2-3-4-and etc. Triple-swing is the same (rock-step triple-step triple-step rock-step), unless you add a grapevine or a promenade which adds a fourth beat. Tango is a 3-1/2 step dance to a 4-beat, unless you omit the toe-tap, in which case it's a 2-step, unless you add a twirl, in which case it's a 5 3/8-step. Rhumba is a 4-beat, pi/2-step dance if your shoe size is odd, or sqrt(-3) if your shoe size is even. See? Nothing to it.

[disappointed]

How wonderful. For you. And here I thought I would be able to get you for myself. Oh well, I guess my search continues. Wish you the best on your new merger.

[Dave Child]

Heh, sounds all too familiar. I get married two weeks tomorrow, and can't dance. Fortunately, neither can the missus. We're going for the "swaying hug".

[Dan P]

As a part time dance instructor, I can tell you that being able to lead is the hardest thing for men to figure out. And being able to follow is the hardest thing for women to get. If you want, try dancing with her eyes closed. She will learn to rely on you, and you will (hopefully) be compelled to lead to keep her from crashing into the wall.
Also, if the instructor is trying to force you to match the beat of the music, he is an idiot. As long as you and your partner are together, no one will notice if you are not in sync with the music. Keep trying, and you will get it.

[Heather]

Poor Scott. Just remember, the only thing more frustrating than being the confused guy is being the woman trying to follow the confused guy. Your analogy of the guide dog being shoved into traffic by the blind guy is a good one.

Just remember, it's about you enjoying your time with your fiancee. Even if you don't know what the hell is going on. You're not on Dancing With the Stars. No one is holding up numbers and judging you.

And if all else fails, have an open bar at your wedding. I guarantee no one will remember your dancing. :)

[Big Chris]

Did they make you wear name tags? My instructors (think 80 year old purveyors of pain and embarassment) insisted we wear name tags. That way they can call you by name when you screw up. That way everyone else knows your name when you screw up. That way they know whose name to give to the police...just kidding.

My wife is a dance instructor (not ball room dance) and is graceful and skilled. I'm more of a lumbering and bumbling clod. Put us on the dance floor together and it's beauty and the beast.

Time to prominade.

Big Chris

[Borjan]

Go to Vegas and be over in three minutes.

[Stan]

The 4-5-6's are structural: they signal the end of a period of 1-2-3's. 1-2-3 is a 'bar', most musical ideas last 4 bars. When dancing, these are often paired, so you have an '8-count'. The "4-5-6" is really "1-2-3" of the 8th bar. With a little practice at counting sets of 8 bars, you may have no idea of where you're supposed to be going, but you will at least feel grounded in the music instead of off-balance.
If you're really interested in musical structure as algorithm, open the sheet music to any classical piece labelled "sonata": you'll find a 4-bar theme answered by 4-bars (your 8-count), that set repeated (16), a different 8-bar diversion (24), and the opening theme modulating up a 5th over 8 bars (32). Then repeat (=64). On the second page (facing), you'll find a series of 'variations', which are generally 4-8 bar flashes (like your complicated dance moves). They will last 24 bars, then you'll take the last 8 bars to reach the final cadence (32 for second half).
Thus you find that even if you do not know the music, you can base your understanding of the song on your position in its structure, and dance your way through to Bach or Jay-Z. A western musicologist would explain this by saying that the rules were established by composers after ~1350, and our cultural ears have been so-trained ever since.

[jC]

You should know better than to take dancing lessons from Dogbert.

[LP]

I once was under the delusion that everyone had the ability to dance. Then I took my first irish dancing lesson.

Let me tell you, nothing says humiliating like wobbling around in a circle, attempting to understand an 8-beat rhythm with a few "aaand, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7! 1-2-3! and 1-2-3!"s thrown in there, all the while attempting to hold your arms poker-straight at your sides.

I'm sure irish dance is an extremely beautiful and graceful form of art...just not when I try to do it. The phrase "dying pigeon" tends to come to mind.

[Archana]

Good luck with your dance classes! I think you will improve with time - hopefully your fiancee's feet won't be sore with all the stamping you do till then though!!

Er...what is a class which beginners must take to get to beginners level? But don't you call classes which beginners go to as beginner's class? So are there such things as "pre-beginners" classes *tap tap tap*?

[Radioactive Jam]

Gaah! My wife signed us up for classes (starting soon) and I was FINE with that, because I didn't know what to expect. Now?! *Sigh* Guess the first thing will be to not stand near Tim...

[Dr. Doug]

Scott,
There was so much tension in your blog that I could see your shoulders were up by your ears. How about flipping the bucks for a private lesson. That way you can yell at him/her in private and release that tension -- you need catharsis.

[Mike Purvis]

One other thing: Google Video is a great resource for when you just can't figure out how a step goes. There's dozens of videos there of every style imaginable, you just have to watch one until you see the move you're looking for. Then frame step through it until you catch whatever the trick is to it.

[Marcus]

Son you gots to FEEL it.

What kind of music/dancing was it? Unless it was ballroom (which I know very little about), it's usually best to just feel the music, let loose and not worry about counting. Music/dancing is not matth.

And take your own advice: thrust those hips. Do it.

[T]

I hate dancing. thanks for reminding me why I will never take a dance class with my wife.

[Ian Ferguson]

Yup, that sounds like my experiences with dancing. I've never been able to find a 'Beginners' class which ACTUALLY teaches beginners.

How about you hire a man who looks like you (with a combination of low light / distance / drink) and can dance well to dance with your new wife? That way, nobody's disappointed or embarressed!

[CaliCapp]

This only just proves that white guys can't dance. Sorry Scott. At least, tell me that this was your fiancee's idea and not yours.

[ballroomdancer]

Your experience is typical for most beginners. I had the same problems and my wife and I ended up competition dancing several years later. It's just a question of practice. If you have problems hearing the beat, you may want to buy some dance CDs (your teacher will offer advice) and play them in your car very often.

You may also decide to take a private lesson every now and then to have the teacher deal more with your needs.

What I like about ballroom dancing:

1.) Once you hear the beat, it's basically an intellectual exercise.

2.) With a woman you like it is great fun.

Keep dancing and good luck !

[Lady M]

This may be a bit of a drive for you, but Richard Powers at Stanford has terrific beginning classes. His Thursday night classes are full right now, but you could contact him for a private lesson. He has lots of non-dancer beginning folks (including lots of engineers who aren't remarkable coordinated) and has a way of explaining things that makes sense. :)

http://dance.stanford.edu/Thursday/index.html

or you can reach him at vintage (at) stanford.edu

[grepthis]

There is apparently a large segment of the population, members of which are capable of absorbing the rules and skills required for certain activities almost instantaneously by some sort of osmosis. When one of these 'idiot savants' attempts to coerce an engineer into participating in any of these activities, a lack of communication of basic information results, with the engineer being mocked as a clueless boob incapable of performing even simple acts.

An engineer wants to have the rules clearly explained, the necessary skill set identified (preferrably with diagrams), and the core algorithm defined.

What we get is generally a disjointed and incomplete recital of the basic information, sometimes with several people speaking at once and contradicting each other, and an encouraging "...just try it. You'll pick it up as you go along." Despite protests you are coerced into participation against your better judgement, which results in universal laughter at your ineptness.

Dancing is one such activity. Just what is this 'beat' others claim to hear?

Horseback riding is another challenge. Just get on and ride. Don't just sit in the saddle, you have to "post". What is this posting crap, and where are the accelarator and the brake?

And card games, forget about those. Stupid names, incomprehensible rules, endless exceptions and gotchas, with strategies which are obvious to everyone else but no one can explain in a logical or ordered fashion to the retard (you).

The same people who mock your lack of standard skills are the first to ask the "techie nerd" to hook up the VCR to the cable box and the TV because "Video In" and "Video Out" are incomprehensible and almost magical concepts.

[Jeezus, you nailed me. Don't get me started about my inability to learn card games with random rules. -- Scott]

[tlylect]

Some people have rhythm, some don't. Sounds like you fall into the second group. Having just gone through this experience, here are my tips.
1) Have your fiancée teach you a simple waltz (left-right-side-together)
2) Practice this without music, but with even, slow timing. Practice this until you start running into walls.
3) Next, have your fiancée teach you how to turn (left-leanback-side-together)
4) Practice this until you get dizzy.
5) Choose "At Last" by Etta James as your first song. The tempo is so slow that if you wait for the beat, you’ll look stupid. Your best bet is to keep slow even timing. Which is what you’ve been practicing.
6) Tell the DJ that you only want to be on the floor alone for about a minute, before he encourages everyone else to join you.
Good luck big guy!

[katy]

lol, so you'll have to take a remedial dance class then, oh man...

I hate dance classes. As a young upstart trouble maker, me and my friends would go to our local Eagles club for the Tuesday night dances. (The Eagles, if you're not aware, is similar to the Elks, but less cool (and believe me, it really means something to be less cool than the Elks)). A couple hours before the actual "dance," there would be a dance instructer there to teach a certain dance that would be featured that evening, (ie the samba). The classes were always fifteen middle aged balding men named Bob, three elderly women, and then us three teenage girls.

If you're a teenage girl in a dance class full of middle aged Bobs, it's impossible to dance badly. They put their hands hungrily around your tender waist, look desperately into your eyes and say "My GOD! You're such a natural! This can't be the first time you've learned the samba! You're too good!" as you stomp on their toes with both your left feet.

Ah, those carefree days of my wild and crazy, misspent youth...

[Katie]

So if you're just wanting to find the beat, I'd suggest Dance Dance Revolution. You can even do it at home where no one can see you look silly.

Just be warned, though, that DDR skills are NOT synonomous to dance skills.

[John]

Scott- You realize that you refered to your fiancee as your seeing eye dog.

[imladris]

Since shortly before the renaissance, western music has been arranged in measures. Usually there are 3 or 4 beats to a measure. The reason for this organization is that it provides a structure that makes it easier for multiple musicians to cooperate. (In prior times most music was played by a single minstrel, and so the issue did not arise).

So, in your case, the music was, evidently, playing with three beats to a measure. The only way I can think of describing how to hear this for yourself in the music is to try and pick out what the drums are doing. Drums signal the rhythm of the music, and dancing is connected to the rhythm of the music. Most of the time, what you hear from the drums is the bass and the snare. The bass is often hard to hear, and easy to confuse with the bass guitar which serves a similar function. The snare hits are usually quite easy to pick out.

In a three quarter tune (three quarter notes (each lasting 1 beat) per measure) the drums will normally play 1 bass and 2 snare hits. It will go with the same kind of rhythm as Oom-pah-pah in German polka music. The Oom corresponds to 1, and the pah's to 2 and 3.
Infinite variations are, of course, possible. The bass almost always hits on the 1 beat. It signals the start of the measure. In a 3/4 (three quarter) tune the snare is also commonly only on the 2 or only on the 3.

This rhythm (Oom-pah-pah) is the basis for the foot work. In a waltz (a standard type of music and dance for a 3/4 tune) you have three foot movements for each measure. In a simple box waltz, you would start by putting your right foot forward on 1, then your left foot to the left on 2, and close your right foot towards your left on 3. Now, the tricky bit is that the fluid thing to do next is to move your *left* foot (since you just put your right foot down). So to make it move nicely you can't do the same thing over again. What you do instead is a mirror image. This time you move your left foot forward on the 1. Then you move your right foot sideways on the 2, and then close your left foot to your right on the 3. Now, you can start over from the beginning.

This is also the explanation for why one could count the beats as 1-2-3, 4-5-6. It's because your doing something different on the second measure.

As a final note, in a 4/4 tune (4 quarter notes (beats) to a measure), which is what most rock and roll is written in, the drums would normally go bass, snare, bass, snare. Again, there are of course thousands of variations. But the snare hits are often there and easy to hear.

[dude]

Off-topic: does anyone understand the current streak of Get Fuzzy's? What's up with saying "booger"? I feel I can ask this on a Dilbert blog, since Scott first pointed me to Get Fuzzy as having the best art work of today's comics.

[amberchyrseis]

hey. don't feel bad. i took a beginner's sewing class so that i could impress a boy with my homemaker skills and I ended up turning an apron into a 2-D chuckie doll.

and this was all to the soundtrack of the instructor's, "sweetheart" "honey" "poor thing" and "sweetie." accompanied by light laughter from the entire class, which was composed of women who although were "beginnners" obviously built their own sewing machines.

it was all so inpsiring that I almost ripped apart my sewing machine with my bare hands. instead i donated it and chunked the boy.

[Shan Siddiqi]

A couple of months ago, Scott Adams taught me how to dance. I did my best to incorporate his advice into my dancing repertoire, but my hopes to use this advice in my ongoing quest to get laid have just been thwarted.

...it turns out that my mentor is not even capable of classifying s beginner...

[Neil]

Try this:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000068LAE/ref=sr_11_1/104-7423458-0997504?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v;=glance&n;=130

They're great teachers (they really focus on the process of learning, not just dancing), and it's a DVD. Watch the feet as many times as you like, with or without your partner, and nobody named Tim will be in the room.

[Keith]

I'm not an excellent musician, but I have a pretty good sense of rhythm. I've played in bands for years, and it's amazing how many people just don't get it when it comes to the beat. I've actually heard a band leader start a song that had a 3/4 time signature with a "1-2-3-4" count. I think you're either born with it or you aren't. I wouldn't sweat it too much if I were you. Just dance like the guy in Hitch and you'll be fine.

[Mike Purvis]

I just have to say, I've recently gotten into social dance with the club at University of Waterloo, and it is totally fun. I'm not sure what style you were trying to learn, but Lindy Hop is the most popular Swing dance, and it can be a little overwhelming at first. After a short while, though, the basic steps become as natural as driving... it's just getting your follow(s) to tolerate your crappiness long enough that you acheive that level.

But yeah, like for most things, the guy is at a disadvantage. Follows can pick up new moves just by dancing with other leaders, but leads have learn new ones by carefully watching each other and then casually asking at the bar how it was done.

That "Seeing Eye Dog" line is solid gold.

[skadoo]

Don't worry, no one "gets it" on their first dance lesson.

For best results sit comfortably at home and listen to the music. After a while tap your foot along with the music, when you feel like it. Don't push. Just enjoy. After a while you will be finding the beat with no problem.

Then you are ready to sit and watch a dance class. Why watch? So you can see that everyone else struggles with learning to dance as much as you do. And you would be amazed at how much you can pick up just by watching the class without performance pressure. Keep tapping your foot to the beat.

When you feel you're ready, go to a beginner dance class without your fiance. Trying to learn to dance with the extra added pressure of your girl friend is more than you need at this point. And she doesn't need the lessons. After a few lessons with a friend and you've got the basics, then you can bring your fiance back to class with you. Your results will be much better by then.

If you feel the pressing need to get up to speed much more quickly, inquire about private lessons.

Good Luck!

Formerly with two left feet, now a dancing star.

[RD]

First of all, Scott 'ol buddy 'ol pal, you need a paradigm shift. You are NOT there to actually learn how to dance. You are there with your fiancée, your future wife, the love of your life to share an experience with her. You are there as an expression of your love and devotion, you are there because Mama Adams didn't raise no dummy. So chill out there, clumsy boy. And, in this day and age, who cares who's leading. Defer to the experience of your partner. Show your manliness by letting her lead, let her soar and allow her to share her strength with your weakness - which is only a temporary lack of experience. You get your turn when you finally get to consummate your wedding vows. So any sacrifice you make to share this fleeting setback of dancing will be paid back in spades with the prowess you will be allowed to display when you truly become man and wife. You go boy!

[Keith]

I can't dance at all, but it is something women seem to enjoy. They also seem to really appreciate a guy who can dance. So I told my girlfriend we could take a dance class together, possibly this summer. After hearing of your experience I'm starting to hope she doesn't remember anything about it when summer arrives.

[Laurence Payne]

If dancing was something you wanted to do, you'd have learnt before now. Your wedding guests won't judge your token attempt, and the bandleader (it IS a band, not a disco I hope?) is expert in inviting the throng to join the inexperienced couple VERY quickly. So why this urge for convention?

[David Learmonth]

Yes, especially ballroom dance is difficult at first. That whole combination of following an unusual beat, and having to think enough to lead, is tricky.

As for the crazy number system, as far as I can tell, it sort of follows the phrasing of the music. Some people hear this more than others. It is easier in most music on the radio today, as quite a bit has sets of 4 beats, instead of groups of 3 (and possibly 2 groups of 3 together as 6). The 6 usually helps when you know that you are doing one set of steps forward, and another back right after (I am assuming that you are doing a waltz).

My best suggestion is to forget about the rules of who leads. If your fiancee is a much better dancer, then get her to lead You for the moment, until you get a better feel for it. Although the ability to Follow is also a practiced skill, it is somewhat less thought than having to lead through complex movements.

Also, just get really used to the basic step for each dance. Don't worry as much about all the spins and such. If you have the basic step, then at least you can fake something at the wedding.

Now if you are looking at all for an easier form of dance (one more for the mathematical mind), I could recommend various Medieval dances. English Country Dance is an earlier form of Square Dance. It is nice because there is next to no footwork involved (just walking), and it is usually to a 4 count, which is easier to follow. The complexity of the dance is more in the overall pattern of people moving, but if you ever get lost, you just look over at the next guy to figure out where you should be. Works great, lots of fun.

Thanks for the blog. I enjoy reading it.

[Amber]

Scott, I feel your pain. Or, at least my boyfriend does. I have prior dance experience, so I can easily tell you two things: get a new instructor (it is his fault you didn't learn it, not yours) and take private lessons. In my opinion it's worth the money, you get the individual attention you need to learn the steps correctly, and you only have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of an expert and a Seeing Eye Dog. Definietly takes a little pressure off, wouldn't you say?

[iowaslovak]

you are in the wrong class. When my daughter got married, my wife and I took the introductory 4 classes at arthur murray. (which allows you to go to a couple of the "group" gatherings.) We had an individual instructor, who did not worry about the beat,(actually he gave up after two minutes and decided we had bigger problems) He gave us the instruction we needed to go through with a couple of dances at the wedding. So quit the group thing, get individual attention designed for your three to ten minutes of performance. (brides dance, relative dance, dancing with young kids... )

[Thatt Guy]

oops... forgot my BOCTAOE at the end.

[dude]

If time permits, maybe take beginner music lessons first. No you don't have to play piano or flute. Music appreciation or understanding would, at most, require mastering a block of wood, or hitting two drum sticks together. It's all about hearing the beat. Is it 1-2-3 or 1-2-3-4? Why and how are rock, blues and waltz different?It's not fun to think it would take time to move up to a beginner dance class, but I don't see how you can dance without understanding rhythm.

[jarad]

your expeirence reminds me of a great some by limp bizkit...After my dance lesson that went something like yours I gleefully listen....here goes hope it helps...
Sometimes you don't wanna wake up, you don't give a fuck everybody sucks...you don't know why, but, you wanna justify, rippin someones head off...
this song fits almost any point of rage

[Ryan]

Reading this, I was reminded of my high school experience, when a dance teacher would come in during gym class for a few days each year. A guy named Alfredo (I wish I had made that up) would talk in a funny accent and shake his hips while doing essentially exactly what you described with the numbers and indiscernable footwork.

I'm a political science major and a smart-ass (you might see where this is going), and I had a friend who was really into computers (meaning he managed to figure out a password for the school network and could access files that were supposed to be restricted to teachers). We used the faculty handbook and my pocket constitution to try and craft a case that being required to dance with Alfredo amounted to cruel and unusual treatment and violated mandated respect for students and their rights as outlined in the handbook. We didn't get very far with it (the gym teachers mostly just chuckled), but it was a lot more fun trying to mess with the gym teachers than to just shut up and dance.

[Tim]

It is always 1-2-3 repeating. If you are doing a waltz. The 4-5-6 thrown in there was his way of trying to confuse you. In other dances it could be something like 1-2-3-4 repeating or some other multiple, but the way music works is the rythem always starts over at 1.

[wright1411]

You should know by now that engineers cannot dance. Yes the wedding will be embarrassing, but what you lack in coordination is made up by high disposable income. BOCTAOE

[Jürgen Prochnow]

Don't worry. You could always plan for a well-timed lower body injury to get out of dancing at your wedding. Just remember that torn ligaments are generally better than broken bones - they take longer to heal and carry less chance of permanent handicap or bleeding to death. Of course, torn ligaments are more painful, but then again it seems like you really didn't like dance class.

[Rick Gutbrod]

Have you stood downwind of a fire? The smoke blocks your vision, burns your eyes, and makes you want to move upwind.

Smokers in cars open windows to be upwind of the smoke. In fact, it should be REQUIRED that the windows be open on all smoking drivers, for safety issues. :) Even when its raining, snowing, going past cattle trucks, etc ;)

[cs]

This is your most hilarious blog in a long long time. Of course, I'm a techie too. And I'm an avid anti-dancer. I've got a wedding coming up. I'm already thinking about how to call in sick for the first dance. Maybe I can drink a lot and just be in the bathroom hurling instead. I can't hear the beat with almost any music. I recently discovered (thanks to my gf) that it's pretty easy to hear the beat in trance music. Of course, even knowing the beat, I still have no idea what to do.

[Brian]

I feel your pain!
Good for you learning to dance. Every guy should learn. Women love it, and love guys who can. It is great for the marrage.
My own dance instruction was simular. That beat thing is rough. I would listen to the radio while driving and tap out the beat untill I could hear it easily. I even remember practicing at a club and having trouble getting the beat, when a friend ran onto the dance floor to tell me "It's a Waltz!". Oops!.
Don't give up!
It also sounds like your instructor sucks! There are lots of those.

[BBC]

It’s a trap, if you learn how to dance well she will always be dragging you off for dancing, and you will be taking lessons for new dance steps for the rest of your life. Just stick with the basic vertical foreplay and let it go at that or you will be on a dance floor instead of the bedroom where you want to be. At least this is what my observation is from watching the couples at the dance on Friday nights. That is okay but many of them are out four or five nights a week. Well, dancing at home is okay cuz you can……. BBC

[Donnie]

Hey I hear you brother. My wife has signed the both of us - plus another couple we know - for an intro Ball Room Dancing (BRD) class tonight. Being the guys we are we thought about how to weasel out of BRD. Since that idea was futile and would result in the female "no sex this weekend, pal" pouting, we decided to formulate a plan such that we guys could have some morsel of fun out of the evening. See WE have a plan (which you obviously DID NOT).

THE MASTER PLAN: Plan on having several (ok - 4-5) very stiff drinks before arriving at dance studio. The goal here is to become pretty inebriated to the point where you don't care if people are pointing and laughing at you. Careful not to overdo it with the drinks or your brain might shift into "hey I'll kick your ass for laughing at me" mode.

People love to dance when they've been drinking, right? I might even smuggle a beer into dance studio to cover the breath-smell of the whiskey. Wifeys are happy, guys are stoned. Weekend sex is still a go. It's a win-win.

Honestly Scott, sometimes I have to think of EVERYTHING for you.....

[Bob Baddeley]

What a wonderful story. I remember experiencing some of those frustrations too when I started. Some (hopefully helpful) hints for you:

The counting thing is indeed the beats. Music is divided into measures. Most music has 4 beats per measure, but waltz is 3. When you listen to music, try to listen to the counts and figure out how many beats there are per measure and which is beat one. Pop music is so formulaic that this is a good place to start. When he's counting 1 2 3 those are the beats in that measure. Sometimes you'll do a move that takes longer than one measure. Usually when this is the case it'll take 2 measures so that you don't get offset, so if he was counting 1 2 3, for this move he'll count 1 2 3 4 5 6.

Some instructors are real pains. Most people in dance classes are willing to help you out, so ask someone else for help. Get the basic step down perfectly. Don't move on until you do. Once you understand the basic step, everything else is variations.

Leading is hard. Not only do you have to know what you're doing, you have to communicate what you're doing to the follow, AND you have to be thinking about what you're going to do next, AND you have to make sure you're not piloting your partner into the sweaty back of some behemoth. I wish I could give you more pointers here, but it really just takes practice until it's as natural as walking, or maybe stumbling.

The good news is that once you get over the initial hump, it gets a lot easier. You start to make up moves as you go, or turn mistakes into moves that look good at least. Eventually you get over the unsure flatfootedness and start to add some style. It takes time, and you have to accept that you'll be embarassed a little at first, but everyone else started off just as awkward.

Good luck!

[Kristian]

Scott,

Do not worry. I moved over to the USA in like 5th grade, and didn't take those "intro dancing classes" your parents forced you to take until like 7th grade....2 years later than everybody else my age had taken them. So let's just say I was 1 foot taller and about 1,000 times more awkward than anybody else.

Down with dancing classes you stupid lemon eaters!!

- Kristian

[MSL]

I commiserate with you. My first aerobics class (years ago) was taught by a dancer. Finally I had her show me where exactly the feet should be (in a box type step) and I just ignored the arms till my feet learned the pattern. You sometime feel so dorky you want to slink out or into the shadows, but everyone starts there. No one is born dancing. Get a different teacher. Maybe one-on-one. Without your fiancee. Don't embarass yourself in front of her. And suprise her with your skill in a couple of months. Good luck.

[Rachel]

What the heck? How can you go to a class that is lower than beginner? Take Pre-school tap dancing?
I am not sure who I feel worse for.

[lipilee]

no no no... beat has to do something with the dance instructor's head. look near those premises.

[Mystella]

This is off-topic, but I loved the story line you just ended with Asok in the desert. To quote Larry the Cable Guy: "I don't care who you are, that's funny right there."

Now back to the subject at hand: Don't give yourself too hard a time, Uncle Scott. My husband can't dance for sour apples but still made a heroic effort at our wedding reception. If you're trying your best, your wife will know that and will love you all the more for publicly humiliating yourself just to make her happy. I hope.

[Maura]

Might I refer you to: http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2005/12/how_to_dance.html#comments

[andy.s]

I take it you were doing the waltz.

This is in 3/4 time, so each 1-2-3 represents one measure with three beats.

You know the Blue Danube, right? It goes
"Daa da da DA DUM, DA DUM, DA DUM, Daa da da DA DUM, DA DUM, DA DUM".

Follow closely as I interlineate the beats:

"Daa(1) da(2) da(3) DA(1) DUM(2),(3) DA(1) DUM(2),(3) DA(1) DUM(2),(3)"

See? It's easy!!

[OldGuy (Sw)]

I can se it in front of me...Did anyone bring a videocamera?...Reminds me of a strip made by a cartoonist you know with engineers doing aerobics...

[lnoonan]

Your story sounds familiar, had the same problem for our wedding. In the end they had to get me go through the steps on my own and few times then practice with my fiance.

[Richard]

The beat is why they invented drums.

[BBC]

Slow dancing at its most basic level is just vertical lovemaking. You just wander around to the beat of the music and any woman that can dance can follow you. Just hold her close and let things heat up, it’s always worked for me without lessons.

Classic Bloom County was a hoot this morning, was the knee drawn up to make it look like he had a hard on? That’s how I saw it. BBC

[Chris Kankiewicz]

I have a couple of friends who have taken dancin glessons since they were like six. A few years ago, around the age of 16, they had me and a few other friends do a tango with them in one of their shows. Let me tell you, no matter how hard they pushed, or how much we practiced, I could never look like I was doing anything more than walking gracefully. At least I was to the beat...

[Scott 2]

You taught us how to dance a few months back. Why don't you just go back and have a look at your own advice?

[coglethorpe]

Glad I'm not the only one out there who can't dance.

[BigEd]

What dance were you trying to learn??? Sounds like Waltz.. If so, he was messing with you on the count....

[John B.]

If it is such a chore, why subject yourself to it? As a demonstration of love for your betrothed? I'm sure the experience was almost as traumatic for her as it was for you. If not, given your difficulty in getting with the programe, physical pain will probably become a significant factor at some point. Dancing is a social skill, not a survival skill. You're not good at it. Get over it.

[Raybert]

Good for you for moving out of your comfort zone and taking a risk. Try a few personal lessons. Even if it doesn't help, you'll have fewer witnesses in case you need to clock the instructor.

[Sara]

I've taught friends how to dance and for those who are really struggling I tell them to first buy the type of music they will be dancing to like swing or salsa and go home and listen to the music over and over again. It sounds like a cliche but you must feel the music deep down before you can dance to it. Example; my friend wanted me to teach him to salsa, he tried hard but it seemed he was fighting it. Later he tells me that he doesn't actually enjoy salsa music, those beats just didn't grab him. So, there ya go.

[Dave]

At least you dance like a white guy. I dance like a bleached albino. It's all relative. Invite me to your wedding, I promise no one will watch you dance with me on the floor. That's our biggest fear, that someone is watching.

[annika]

"In other words, it’s just like the leaders at your company...All I know is that it has something to do with numbers."

as the old saying goes, the world is your office.

[Diana W]

Perhaps you should start with drum lessons to get the beat part down. Then you'll be armed with some sticks when you try going back to dance class.

[Tracylee]

Buy Dance Revolution, ours is for the Xbox, but they probably make it for all systems because our Karaoke Revolution by the same maker is for our Game Cube (My husband buys me this stuff) anywho, in Dance Revolution you can go under training mode, pick the song you want and slow it down as much as you want until you learn the dance steps, then speed it up a little at a time.

I did this repeatedly until I now know over half the songs and can do them all with A or AA grades :)

[Annon-y-mous Lewser]

There's a solution to all dancing problems, get drunk. When drunk all dance moves are the best move ever invented.

This tip especially works at weddings.

Cheers.

[Ken]

"The Seeing Eye Dog does not like to be pushed into traffic by the blind guy."

Gold!

[Astro Boy]

"In other words, it’s just like the leaders at your company."

A-frickin'-men!

[CLB]

**Laughing out loud - with you, not at you**

I seem to be tone deaf and can't dance to save my life. Very frustrating for my husband, who sounds a bit like your fiancée when it comes to music and dancing!

Best thing you can do is hope for lots of slow dances. There's no counting for those!

Kudos to you for trying. Hope your fiancée appreciates it!

[crunchy_frog]

Rather than start with a class, have your fiance teach you some basics, just the two of you, after a nice candlelit dinner. Whenever you get frustrated, switch to slow dancing for a song, and then try again. The key is muscle memory, and it takes alot of repitition to get the steps into that kind of memory. It's really important in the early stages of a marriage to know that the two of you can approach this potential problem together, and have fun. If you keep a loving attitude, you can look back and laugh at how clumsy you were. If you get mad, it may end up being used as evidence years later that you are a control freak, or insensitive, or some other character fault. Oh, and don't expect to ever be a great dancer, just one who enjoys holding your wife and having fun!

[Keith]

I would have ended up in traction. Stupid dancing....

[BigDon714]

Yeah, I took the class. I thought it would be easy because all you have to do is count. Count and move your foot. Count, move your foot, and turn. Count, move your foot, turn and move your other foot. Count, move your foot, turn, move your other foot... Oh yes, you should have your partner with you.

You know, that I became an engineer because I don't have the coordination to be a jock. you know that, don't you?!

[Thatt Guy]

Lol love the entry today Scott. I think dancing (and dance classes subsequently)was a conspiracy created by women to make men feel like stupid inferiors. I say so what if you can't put your feet in the right place according to the right numbers (I've tried to do the math too, and the numbers never added up)? I can reach stuff off the top of the fridge and open pickle jars without running it under the tap. Where are the mocking lessons for the women who can't do that or other things that actually serve a purpose?

[Playtah]

I had similar problems, but with aerobics. Aerobics are like dancing, but without the "fun". My aerobics experience basically consisted of watching a shapely instructor and experienced "steppers" improve their heart health, while I sustained bruises and dented the back wall falling off my low-impact stair step. That's when I thought, "Screw health, I'm going into entertainment."

--Playtah