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Night of the Living Ant

One of the perks of being a big-time celebrity cartoonist involves using a vacuum cleaner to get rid of ants in the kitchen. Before I made it big, I couldn’t afford a vacuum cleaner. I had to shout at the ants to scare them away. In retrospect, I don’t think ants have ears, because yelling never worked. Sometimes I had to keep my snacks in a wooden bowl floating in the bathtub. Eventually, when the ant army built up to the point where they could lift me in my sleep – but before they could get me down the ant hole – I would give notice on my apartment and find another.

Now I can afford high tech vacuum weaponry. It’s sweet. I’m not allowed to use the “good” vacuum cleaner obviously. That one is only for the carpet. I use the one that no longer stays locked in the upright position. So I suck up a few ants, then the vacuum cleaner falls over and impales my thigh. I curse, return the vacuum to its unlocked upright position and repeat. Suck-ow-%$&*#. Suck-ow-%$&*#. Suck-ow-%$&*#. Someday I hope to buy a new vacuum cleaner exclusively for ants.

Eradicating ants in the kitchen is exactly like being attacked by zombies, except the zombies are very small, and the worst thing they can do is walk on your crackers. As you know, when zombies attack, you can kill several hundred of them with your automatic weapons and flame throwers and stabby things, but additional zombies keep on coming as if they hadn’t noticed. Ants are just like that. They really aren’t good at pattern recognition. You can vacuum six hundred ants in a straight line and yet ant 601 won’t see it coming. He’ll be all “Hey, why am I suddenly in this bag full of dust? Carl, is that you?”

I get a perverse pleasure out of every ant that goes down the hose. It would bother me if they screamed in pain or begged for their lives, but they don’t, so it’s all good. Every time a new ant appears on the cabinet door, I delight in sending him to dustbag heaven. Ahhh, good times.

The only other household chore I enjoy as much as ant eradication is cleaning the cat box. It’s like panning for gold, except the gold is cat poop. That inconvenient fact doesn’t detract from the thrill of the find as much as you’d think. There’s something in our basic DNA that likes to find free stuff, even if the stuff is turds. Arguably, I paid for the cat food, so the nuggets aren’t really free. But as long as there’s some time lag between the paying and the prospecting, it’s still a low grade thrill.

What’s your favorite chore that shouldn’t be fun but is?


Personally, I am not a fan of torturing ants. They're too small and the lack of effort I need kind of takes away some perverse pleasure.
Me? I prefer spiders.
I once had an arguement with a spider that, without a shadow of exaggeration, could have picked me up and moved me out of its way. This was no small creature...I've met cows that are less meaty!
However i digress...Being a wussyfemale, alone in a house with another wussy female (interoret as you like), we were quite disheartened by this.
My ingenius plan was to cover this large creature with hairspray, thus sticking its legs otgather (it works for the knots in my hair, why not a spider?) allowing us to get close enough to stomp on it.
Though a sliht flaw in this plan was hairspray does not stick the legs together of spiders...oh no...all it serves to do is piss the animal off to a point that it runs at you. (incidently we hoovered it and it was found clogging up the bottom of the tube a few weeks later (admittdly dead) by my slightly bemused father.)
A newer game i now take on, (since we own an extremely life-like, large metal spider) is to make them fight using the metal one in a large stick. And to my amazement, they do!
Now THAT can amuse me for hours!
I went slighly off topic there and now not remembering what my original point was....I shall wrap it up :)

at work i love taking the trash out. i work in a kitchen (pizza hut) and its usually about 33 degrees in there (celcius mind, thats about 93 farenheit) so its a chance to go outside for about ten minutes. on my last shift i was given it as a punishment for being half an hour late :D

also at work there are two people who love to sweep and mop and fight over who gets to do it, lucky for me because i detest it. i've heard them describe it as a zen like experience.

I actually get a big kick doing laundry, especially when it's really dirty. I feel like a lab technician with all my oxygen stain removers, special white and color laundry powders, softner, and bleach. When it comes out spotless I always feel like I accomplished something.

My husband teases me, but enjoys his pristine whites, nonetheless!

Definitely wrong I know but I like cleaning the fluff out of my girlfriend's belly button. With Zen like concentration I can focus on this task for hours. And it sends her into a prozac-like induced trance. The only downside is it takes weeks to culture another batch of prime fluff. And I don't think i could live with the shame of being caught cleaning the fluff out of another woman's belly button.

My Dad used to vacuum ants. He would be wearing a white coat while turning over logs to vacuum the ants up from underneath them. Apparently people used to detour widely to avoid him.

At the time, Dad was studying some little dragon lizards that live in the Mallee (lots of spinifex and red dirt) and they ate ants for dinner. So his is actually sane but the people in the carpark didn't know.

I have heard of people hating ants but apart from you and some of your posters, nobody other than Dad had sucked them up.

I lived in India for a few months. We had little red ants that would congregate under your pillow or in your shoe and
wait, lurking in the darkness, for the opportunity to attack. Somehow they would manage to swarm all over you and then ALL BITE AT ONCE.

This has no relevance to your post, except that it also involves ants.

I like to wash my dog, but my dog does not like to be washed. I am, fortunately, larger than my dog.

Whoa. Scott? I had the -exact- same thought this past week. Only I phrased it in my mind, "it's like panning for gold, only the prize is butt nuggets." Uncanny.

I'm terrified of ants. They can get anywhere and you wouldn't know till you saw them. I like cleaning up after dinner parties. No messy food to attract bugs or mess up cute clothes, plus my parents are incredibly thankful for it.

I also have giant ants (almost an inch long) at my house that I often kill by punching them.

I practice my tai chi moves and massage body mechanics while vacuuming. It's really fun to glide across the floor pushing the vacuum and imagine I'm pushing on knots in someone's back or destroying their kidneys (tai chi is the most deadly martial art; it's just marketed to Americans as a slow thing for old people).

I love to cook. Was a good Chef, for a period, at a fancy restaurant long ago. Now my favorite delight is food coloring. No flavor but adds a unique look to dinner. Example: Black broccoli, green mashed potatos, yellow milk, spotted pork chops, red butter, you get the idea. Green eggs and ham? I'm your man! It's so fun to watch dinner guests eat one of my meals... We all need a bit more color in our lives, don't you agree? Best to ya Scott! Dave :^)

Used coffe ground spread around the outside edges of your house. Got rid of my ant problem.
And also, they do sell a vacuum just for bugs (I got my son one for his birthday)
My chore that I shouldn't like but I do? Cleaning the animal's stalls.

I like defrosting the freezer. I love to put big chunks of ice in the sink and run hot water on them, making 'abstract art'. I love the way the freezer looks when it's all clean and shiny, and I always find some frozen thing that I had forgotten about, ice cream, T-bones, choc-bananas...

I also hate all cleaning, but especially my office. I clean it once a year whether I need to or not...

But if you have a insect problem (including ants), get a pitcher plant. We used to have a knat problem in my office until I got my "little shop of horrors". They can be a pain, as you need to use distilled water and keep them watered well.
But it is worth it, as there is nothing like watching a knat or ant crawl up into a pitcher, knowing it won't bother you again.

The hooded pitcher plants are the best. They are quite ravenous, and one plant can litterly eat thousands of insects. Mine has gotten rather large in the office, but we don't seem to have a knat problem anymore.

Once when I was small my balconey had ALOT of ants and my mother had a pretty hard time getting rid of them and then finally gave up, because they kept coming. Funny thing was they kept there and didn't venture much into the house.

So one day I was clipping my nails over the floor of the balconey but also very careful not to sit on the actual balconey, I noticed a couple of ants carrying my nails away.

Really suprised AND excited, I called for my younger sister. She too, was amazed and we both sat down to clip more nails! and more and more ants came over to pick them up and carry them away.

Some went up the wall.

And the weird part was that they stopped invading my balconey after that. I guess you could(?!?!)try that too.

You're in luck...Sharper Image sells a vaccum just for this purpose...sucking bugs! It's so cool! I am going to get one next time I have some money to burn. Let me know how it works out.

I HATE Ants.

San Francisco is just a series of ant hills with houses on top. Bernal Heights? Giant ant hill. Twin Peaks? Giant double-wide ant hill. Lombard Street? Ant Luge. Vacuuming ants is satisfying but very, very temporary. I prefer squirting their ant-asses with Orange Guard. Orange Guard is pretty cool and non-toxic. Now don't go drinking it and blame me, but check it out.

Yeah, they're harmless. Yeah, other critters are worse. Blah, blah, blah. They need to stay OUTSIDE. They don't just come in when it's wet, they'll come in when it's hot, too. They come in just to piss me off. I don't go burrowing around the foundation of the house when the weather changes, screw up THEIR house and have orgies in the cat food or sugar bowl!

I do truly love organizing my music collection. Sometimes it's in straight alpha order. Other times it's by genre or if I really want to mess up my head -- chronologically.

Also, I love moving in. Unpacking and organizing in a pristine space? Heaven!

I love organizing my cd collection. I will put them in alphabetical order, latest release to earliest release. I also tend to color scheme my clothes in my closet. Damn the OCD.

I'm way ahead of you there, Richard. I have one of those bug-zappers already! And yes it is fun to hear them sizzle, but the racquet is a little flimsy for an all out attack. Mine started to break after a few rigorous swats, so I went back to the badminton racquet. When I REALLY want to sharpen my skills, I go after them with a yardstick. Now THAT'S a challenge!

Dusting and polishing the bathroom counters. Somehow I like the way the sun shines on furniture just after the thin film of dust is removed. Vacuuming just doesn't have the same advantage because carpet isn't shiny.

We once had a bee's nest in our garage and had the bee man come and poison them all. The fun part was climbing into the crawl space in July heat and picking up seven million dead bees...there was honey EVERYWHERE. It was dripping down from the ceiling and filling buckets for weeks afterwards.

I tried a little bit of honey on the tip of the finger thinking that a little bit of bee poison probably wouldn't hurt me. It was THE BEST HONEY EVER - kinda spicy. I had a little bit more telling myself you probably needed a lot of bee poison to kill a grown man. Then I started scoffing down great gobs of the stuff - what are the chances they would use dangerous poisons around humans?

MMmmm mmmmm. Better than having ant infestations anyway.

I love demolition work. I know...for a chick it sounds weird, but my husband loves that I like to do this. We have a 900 square foot house that we are currently remodelling, and I found that after a hard day working with exceptionally "special special" people, this is rather relaxing. There is nothing better than hammering a wall down to smithereens or taking a crowbar to the floor. Call me odd.

Other than that, I like to speed clean through the whole house in 2 hours or less. My husband takes the kids to the park, I blare my techno music, and race to finish. I love it! It's invigorating, and I don't have to do housework for a week! :D
(With the exception of laundry...there is ALWAYS laundry to do!)

--Ron - wash your roses with soap water. That should keep spiders away. Works all over the place.

--If you have cockroaches in your house, mix up some borax and peanut butter. Smear it into the crevices of your walls, or whatever (if you don't have kids or pets, all the better), and it will kill the little buggers. :D
Have a great day!

Dee - About the gnats - they are probably coming from a houseplant...

I have the scene from "Curse of the Were-rabbit" where he sucks up the rabbits into his machine in my head. Of course it's probably cruel for a vegetarian to suck up rabbits even if ants are OK.

Personally I like cleaning my computer. Cleansweeping and defragmenting, it's neat to see how much room you can free up. It's also fun to run anti spyware software. When it's been a while I can look at the results and say, "Ah ha! You thought you won! Now you will die!" as I hit delete. I just have to be sure I don't get to excited doing these things at work.

I like cleaning the dishes. Seriously, I do. Having worked on cars my whole life, my friends and I (who share a house) have a few extra pneumatic tools than we needed in the garage, plus a large stationary air compressor.

One day we started arguing whose turn it was to do the dishes. We only did it once a month (whether it needed it or not *eyeroll*) and there was a sizable stack of flatware that needed de-gunking. It ended up with us running to the hardware store and plumbing a compressed air line into the kitchen, then retrofitting your usual kitchen cleaning items to work with things like pneumatic drills, angle grinders and blow off nozzles for drying. Now the dishes get done every day. Almost.

Anyone Growing up in Florida will know about this. Catching Love Bugs (Plecia Nearctica) "in flagrante delecto" and separating them from their mate. One of those irresistable urges, like popping bubble wrap.

Oh and BTW:

“Hey, why am I suddenly in this bag full of dust? Carl, is that you?”

It seems that Diet Coke is a great CRT cleaner.

Best post and comments for quite a while.

My favorite household chore is cooking. I'm a great cook and I love making something new.

I recently got a new Wusthof chef's knife and I love it. Just used it to make fresh guacamole and it slices ripe tomatoes like a straight razor. That is pure joy. When I purchased it my girlfriend showed me a holster for it and I laughed. Now I wish I had bought it. I want to walk around the house with my Wusthof Classic 8" on my hip.

"You want paper thin? I got your paper thin right here, bitch!"

Sorry... Got a bit carried away there.

Helpful hint -- if you are using your vacuum to suck up tiny pests, either on purpose or accidentally, it helps to cut up an old flea collar and vacuum that in, too. It keeps the vacuum from becoming one more breeding ground. (for fleas, anyway; that won't be a problem with ants unless you happen to suck up the queen).

The problem is that we don't use flea collars on our pets any more because Frontline works so well. Our original supply of obsolete flea collars has run out. I'd try vacuuming in a FrontLine, but they're so darned expensive. But then, we haven't had fleas for years now.

I enjoy any household chore involving either fire or the chain saw; if it's both, it's a bonus. Also love to cut the grass, even after 15 years of homeownership -- a constant reminder after years of apartments that I actually OWN the unmortgaged portion of that land. (The bank never shows up to mow their part, so I do that too; that's the kind of guy I am).

Absolutely ANY chore on the boat is fun, even this past weekend when I removed the old poorly-fitted holding tank and replaced it with a new one molded to fit the shape of the hull. This was fun even though it was "holding" several gallons of, uh, leftovers from the previous owners, which could not be pumped out effectively because of the poor fit. I wore rubber gloves and had extra beer.


Using pesticides is irresponsible. Do some research on pesticides, the internet is right in front of you.
To kill ants, wipe them up with water mixed with dish liquid. Then sprinkle talcum powder, cream of tartar or coffee powder along the baseboards and outside if you see where they're coming in.
Keep wiping them up with the soap solution. If you're diligent they'll be gone in a week.
My husband can catch flies in the air with one hand. That's why I married him.

I take it your cat isn't named Schrödinger. Otherwise:

"Schrödinger's cat-litter box. If you don't observe it, you won't have to change it."

Sorting through piles of crap or alphabetizing my library. We can go for months making piles, stacks, and drawerfuls, and one day I just reach my limit and sit there and sort. And organize. And afterwards start fresh, knowing that someday I'll be looking forward to getting my hands on another pile.

And I thought I was the only one. The family and I went on a short vacation and when we got back the kitchen was full of these little annoying flies. Bunches of them. We could not figure out where they came from, but there they were. A search of the house yielded no flyswatter, so off to the store I trudged to get one. Once at home with the swatter, I tore after the little buggers. Only problem is, these little guys are fast. Too fast for the swatter. I'd reach back to give one a good swat, and boom, he'd take off.

Next step - fly strips. So I trudged back to the store and purchased a whole pack of them. By now, the flies were literally taking over the kitchen. So I put up the fly strips before I went to bed, and in the morning I had a whole mess of them on the strips. Only problem was, there were still more of them flying around than there were before I put the strips up.

So I cleaned out all of the cupboards, throwing out everything I thought they could possibly be getting into, put up more fly strips. Next morning, the same thing.

This is where I got the idea that gave me the same sadistic pleasure that Uncle Scott had. The vacuum. With the wand and an extension, I started sucking them up like mad. Every time I got one, I got this little thrill, like I was a big game hunter and was felling elephants right and left. I would wield the wand like a machine gun, sneaking up on my prey and feeling this sense of glee and sadism as I got the little bastards. Then I pretended I was Rambo, crouching behind counters and stealthily picking off the flies one by one.

I'm a fully grown man, but I felt like an eight year old playing war. It was a very perverse kind of fun.

Well, last night the wife found an ancient bag of potatoes that had been put under the center island in the kitchen, which was the source of the infestation. I took it out to the trash, feeling slightly sad that my hunt would soon be over.

In all other respects, I'm a perfectly normal guy, with a perfectly normal job, and a perfectly normal family. No one in my family knows about this, but it is kind of cathartic to admit this to thousands of perfect strangers, and to my favorite cartoonist.

I love to cook and bake. All the time. I would rather spend my time in the kitchen learning a new recipe or modifying one (I hate to make the same thing the same way twice) than do anything else. Problem is I would hate to do it on demand, so I could never work in a restaurant; on the positive side, since I give away so many meals/desserts/sweets, I have guests constantly and get invited everywhere :)

Hey, Mr. Wampus!!
You want one of these - take your bee zapping to a whole new level.

I can garden all day every day. :) Why do you have so many ants? LOL!

What the ****(I'll put stars in case you faint when you see swear words) kind of vegetarian are you?! I get ants inside sometimes when it rains. I run around the house picking them all up, and taking them outside again.

Next thing you'll be saying you set mousetraps, lay out mothballs and who knows what else? Maybe you think a fish is a vegetable, too. Or that chicken stock is "not actual chicken".

I fart in your general direction!

And on the subject of vacuums, are you familiar with the prairie dog vacuum? Dog Gone?

I'm not sure if sucking prairie dogs into a holding tank hurts them, but it sure it funny seeing 'em sucked up.

Feeding junk mail through the shredder - oh so satisfying.

I used to have a toy tank, running ants over with the treds was a great way to waste an entire afternoon.

I actually like to take out the trash. I don't know why, but it makes me feel good to think that all my collected crap is bagged up and sitting out in the alley, waiting to be collected by cheery city employees that will make it disappear from my life forever.

Taking my newspapers and cardboard and bottles out for recycling is pretty good too. Although it's a bit of a chore, the hall to our unused side entry door gets entirely cleared out, and the satisfaction is very great.

Plant mint around your house. Ants don't like that. Plus there's also the Citrosa plant. It's a hybrid plant that smells like citronella. I very rarely had bugs in the house.

Sharper Image sells a device called a Bug Vac. It looks like a toy version of a laser gun, but with two detachable nozzles: One's round and the other is kind of rectangular. It has a low powered fan that comes with three settings so as not to kill the bug. It is then trapped in a little jar that has a screen on one end and a magnifying glass that traps the bug inside. It's intended to view the prisoner and then to release him in a safe outdoor environment, but with the cruel person it's a torture device for frying the poor creature in the sun. Cheaper than a vacuum cleaner and it might be interesting to try a fondue dessert of chocolate covered ants.

But aside from that, my favorite hobby is cleaning house. It's hard to get started; once I do, I have to wash the walls, move furniture as I dust and then vacuum every nook and cranny. Then, I can't forget the windows. Don't even get me started on the bathroom. I would call it obsessive compulsive, but it's not an every minute occurance. Only when I'm bored.

I like to vaccumm now that we have a new vaccume cleaner. It has a dust finder, and when the red light is on you are sitting on top of dirt, and when it turns green the dust is gone. I even tested it to make sure it was not some sort of trick, and the lights would turn red, and green at will. It really does work, I would clean a part of my rug and then go around the room, and when I get back to the clean part the light turns from red to green. Its the coolest thing ever. I think it is the result of creative women trying to get their men to do more house work. Now if they could only make a CO2 POWERED DISH CLEANING THING WE WOULD BE ALL SET.

I vacuum the little bastards up then give then a chaser of insect spray down the nozzle, stops them coming back. Works for roaches, too :-)

you have reminded me of a strange experience I once had with ants...we had had a bit of trouble with ants in the kitchen for some time and I had tried all the commercial remedies and traced where they entered the house etc, but nothing got rid of them. Came home one day and noticed a stream of ants up the driveway, around the porch and into the kitchen, and was about to rush into the house to get boiling water when my daughter noticed something about the ants...they were leaving! Sure enough, we watched them for a while, and they were all going away from the house. From that day on, we never had an ant problem again. I have no idea why they left. Should I take it personally?

Although I have a dishwasher and utilize it every day, there are times when I choose to do the dishes by hand. There is a window overlooking our backyard right above the sink, so I can daydream and think as I wash. (I also have to have the dishes stacked and organized in the order that they'll enter the dishwater -- yeah, I know it's a bit anal retentive.)

I also enjoy cleaning my husband's bathtub. He's a diesel mechanic and gets pretty grimy. The bathrooms are technically his job, but like most men, he doesn't do them; after a couple of months I can't stand it anymore, so I go to his once white tub that is now black/gray with oily nasty stuff. Clorox makes this Teflon Bathroom Cleaner that totally kicks ass.... you just spray it on and let it sit, then wipe it off -- AND IT WORKS!!! It's just like the commercials where the hand with the sponge takes the first wipe which leaves nothing but sparkling clean tub surface. There's a really strange almost obsessive-complusive thrill that comes with cleaning his tub. (I don't tell him that.)

Mowing the lawn, since I started using a scythe.

I keep an acre cut, and every day for breaks go out and cut a couple pairs of 10' wide swaths across the lawn.

There's an art to it, to get the precise angle right for the grass at hand.

Front yard, leaving windrow for a picture

Back yard, substitute 01-11 for 01 for more

Putting in a simple seed pattern you get huge curved windrow patterns as you go along.

Normally you lawnsweep up the windrow but I left it just to see what it looked like.

I haven't enjoyed lawn mowing before discovering this slow but satisfying way of doing it.

Another fun way to kill flies is to trap one in a room and then try to flick it out of mid air with a small towel. I am VERY good at this. Quite a challenge, especially with the smaller ones.

Black ants, sugar ants, wood ants--all child's play. In Texas we have Fire Ants and they are loathesome creatures. My favorite torture technique is to take the leftover 1/2 filled Coke cans from the car and pour the acid into the hole at the top of the mound. Scattering in desperation as the mound melts...ah, pure revenge bliss. These buggers bite and their mean, they deserve all the pain they get.

Killing nasty bugs, especially scorpions. When I moved to Phoenix, I had never seen a scorpion that wasn't encased in plastic or sitting on a pin. I have them in my house. These aren't the huge, black, harmless ones that you see in the movies. These things can kill small animals and small children. They walk up walls and ceilings. They are a nice camouflaged light brown so you can't see them against a sand covered background. They are also very aggressive. One of them stung my wife's toe and she was in excruciating pain for 24 hours, and her entire foot was numb for the next week.

It doesn't always work when you try to step on them or squash them as they are so flat already. I like to grab them with needle nose pliers, rip their tails off with another pair of pliers, and then stab them with the stump. If at all possible I like to get one or two shots in before the final dismemberment. Some of you might think that is mean. You have never seen what one of these little bastards can do. You might say that it is only doing what is in its nature (killing bugs, small animals and small children). I am only doing what comes natural to me (killing scorpions in what I hope to be the most painful way possible).

I don't much care for the Black Widows either, but they are kind enough to stay outside, so they get a swifter death. I haven't run across any Brown Recluses yet so the jury is still out on them. Wolf spiders are harry, huge and harmless but lots of fun to squash when they make that satisfying popping noise. Fortunately I'm not far enough on the fringes to have seen any rattlers or coyotes so my duties as executioner have so far been limited to creatures with exoskeletons.

Vacuuming. Boring, unoriginal. But only since I got a Dyson. I just love looking at the crap that accumulates in my carpet in the course of a week. Plus its loud, so I don't have to listen to the kids whining.

I hate all household chores, and it shows. My apartment is always a mess until the day of a big date. Knowing that cleaning up could be the difference between sex / no sex, that is about the biggest motivator for me.

One thing I like to do at work is fill the photocopiers with paper. Nothing like ripping open 10 packs of paper and putting them in the high-capacity feeder, knowing that I am supporting my co-workers and avoiding my real work at the same time. (Oh, you called? I was in the copy room.)

Earlier this year we had a moth problem, they were a little bigger than a quarter. We used the vacuum on them, it was alot of fun. My kids have never laughed so hard at the death of a bug.

Taking out the garbage. Explanation:

Anything which calls for the use of a pressure washer. Might work a treat on ants too, without setting an uncontrollable brush fire...

OK Scott, I know that you already have over 200 replies to this post, but I hope you read mine.

I completely understand your affinity for killing ants in a slightly unconventional way. I have such an affinity for killing carpenter bees. For those who aren't familiar, carpenter bees are very large, bumbling bees. They look just like regular bees, but instead of building a hive, they bore a hole a half inch in diameter and several inches deep into any exposed wood they can find and nest there, usually in groups of 2 or 3. I have a barn on my property and the beams are starting to look like swiss cheese with all of the bee holes. So in the spring, when the bees are very active buzzing around my barn, I like to whack them out of the air with a badminton racket (or raquet for our friends accross the pond). It makes a very satisfying twang when you hit one in mid-air. The bees are suprisingly fast flyers, so it isn't as easy as it might sound. (A racquet ball racquet works too, but a tennis racquet is a little too big for the job.)

I supose I could go around the barn with a can of bug killer and spray into all the holes, but where's the sport in that?

The bees are very territorial and they fight in mid-flight. Occasionally I can get two at the same time!

Bee whacking ranks right up there with ant vacuuming any day in my book.

Okay, I have a giant smile because I actually got the first comment on this one! How pathetic is that????

Terra, that's the brand of liquid ant bait.

Since most everybody's passed on to the tv thread, I'll confess that I have an ant phobia. It started two years ago, when I was trying to sell my house for the divorce. I got up one morning and saw a queen marching her way across my kitchen. The queens for those little ants look just the same, but they're 3 times as big as the regular ones.
So now, every ant season I have nightmares about ant queens. I had my first one about a week ago, and so I took the poison outside and sprayed all the borders of my condo. Still no sign of the little buggers in the house, hurray.


To Tim Birdsall: Maybe if you feed your cats something other than whiskas you won't have such a bad time "hunting for bargains" on the cat sandbox! Other brands of cat food are better (Try fit32). And here in Argentina we can buy three tuna cans for U$ 2, (three cans should last over two weeks for one cat) cats love tuna too. And last but not least, try finding a better quality of "sand" to fill the sandbox, that helps a lot too.

I like cleaning dust bunnies from under the bed. Strange but true.

I love killing wasps. I'm deathly afraid of them, bees and anything that flies that could, momentarily, be mistaken for a wasp or bee. I can't get close to them, so I use a spray killer. I love watching them fall, twitch and die. Sad thing is, is that I'm so afraid of them that I can't pick them up even after killing them. I have to use a huge handful of napkins in order to clean up the killings. (I do like bumble bees, though. They're my friends and we have one that protects our deck. He'll chase the wasps away.)

Here's another story about bugs. While I was visiting my mom in Idaho, we were standing outside and looked up at the deck ceiling and noticed that in pretty much every corner of crossing beams, there would be a spider and its web. It was also dark out and we had a bunch of moths flying around the light. We decided it would be fun to catch the moths and throw them up into the web. After a little bit of trial and error we realized we had to make sure the moth was still alive for the spider to pay attention. We must have fed about thirty spiders that night.. What great fun!

Cleaning my guns. Just something about taking them apart, cleaning and oiling the metal - has a high rate of satisfaction. I'm sure the solvents play a part in the enjoyments too ;-)
Oh yeah, I would agree that weed whacking is a guilty pleasure - especially if the grass has been allowed to grow for awhile.

Weeding the lawn.

I take my old nine iron and a 3 wood and golf the weeds to death. Dandy Lions are especially great but aparentley Tulips will upset your wife/girlfriend/neighbor. But the petals exploding is an awsome sight to behold.

We have an industrial-grade ducted vacuum system with hose-points at various locations around the house and an enormous motor and bin in the garage. Every few months, it's my duty to empty the bin. Amongst the yucky stuff, there is... LEGO!

Yes, with three sons who are now pretty much grown up, we have been adding to the family Lego collection at birthdays and Christmasses for more than two decades. We now have a bazillion pieces. And I have rescued each one of those pieces at least six times from the vacuum bin.

I actually enjoy sorting through the vacuum bin contents because I then get to (after washing the pieces) make something new and creative with random Lego bits.

It's really fun to shovel snow - because we live in a place where it only snows every few years. I suppose if I lived in Boston I'd hate it but in Jerusalem it's a treat.

The added treat is that if there is enough snow to shovel, we get a "snow day" (I don't think there's a word for that in Hebrew).

Pest control became a different story when i lived aborad for a couple years down in south america. a friend taught me to use the spare aerosol in a can of spray deodorant and a lighter to torch the and infestation. it also worked great for flies. their wings would scorch, so they would just lie there on their backs writhing in pain.

i had a friend who encountered the goliath flying cockroaches in japan. he would keep a water pistol next to his door filled with a soapy sollution. when he and his flatmate would come home, they'd grab their pistols and play target practice when they flipped on the lights.

i love to pack. i've been tetris trained, and i can fit almost any collection of whatnot into almost any space. it works out well being a student and having to move every couple months.
i also love to sweep. ever since i was 4 i just loved methodically containing all the little crumbs and trash from the corners.

Vacuuming, but only when the carpet really needs it, like after the kids have tracked piles of sand in. I like the evidence of accomplishment and the sounds things make when they're vacuumed up.

I'm trying hard stifle a laugh. I'm at work and i don't like being that guy. You know the one. My wife gets unusually large amount of pleasure out of killing flies. we have a Fly swatter in every room downstaris plus one in the bedroom and the bathroom. I kid you not. She cranks up the ceiling fan to "corner them" and then hacks and slashes until she has toppled a book shelf. On a relevant note there is nothing i hate more than mowing the lawn. I get no help or sympathy and i am sure i hold some kind of world record for mowing,even my postage stamp size lawn, in record time.

Back when I lived in a state where one could afford to own a house, I had a cheesy aboce-ground swimming pool in the back yard. I loved to clean it. Entire afternoons after work I would spend happily vacuuming every inch of the bottom until the water was pure and sparkling. Partly this was enjoyable because I did it by standing *in* the pool rather than from outside, but I am sure I spent far more hours in a zen-like state of vacuuming bliss than I ever did actually swimming around in the pool.

I have a dishwasher but it sucks ass so I have to prewash everything. I let the hot water run the whole time that I am prewashing and it has a zen-like calming effect. I think that the noise of vaccuming accomplishes the same thing. My vacuum also sucks, though it never comes anywhere near my ass.

I'm suprised that no on has mentioned the cleaning high. Sometimes you start out cleaning because you have to and end up cleaning everything like it's a race or something.


I had a friend who became a crack shot with a rifle. He got his start as a little kid shooting at running ants with a BB gun. He's right, those little buggers are hard to hit.


Now that you are a Father to be you can exploit an amazing resource - child labor - with no pesky laws in the way. Todays kids are spoiled lumps you say... Tell them your cat poops money - & occasionally spice the litter box with your spare change - the chore is delegated for life.

The ant's sound like fun. - I once had bats in the attic (of an old house) - & called a professional who was paid a huge amount of money to remove the bats. His weapon of choice - an old vaccume cleaner.

Woo hoo - Last post.

Now that was fun!

Mowing the lawn....I shouldn't enjoy it, but I do. Something very satisfying about it. Now I know why my dad always spent so much time outdoors.

This is the funniest post ever.


Vacuum cleaners are for houseflies. Ants are too much of a sitting target to be sporting.

The crevice wand is the best, each fly making a satisfied sssfthhh as he disappears into the wand that has snuck up on him.

Hundreds of flies came with my new house, and a fine secondary crop each year for almost a decade. Apparently after that, you have to rotate the crop to replenish whatever they eat. This is where the Indians just moved on.

The best way to kill houseflies, according to Lautreamont, is to cut off their heads, but that was before vacuum cleaner wands.

I don't particularly like cleaning up after my dogs, but they just go wild when I say "Let's go pick up the poop!". It's like I've invited them to Lassie's birthday party.

Gardening is the only chore I particularly like. Even though I wear elbow length suede gloves, my roses still manage to scratch the crap out of me, but I don't care. Hey, anyone have a good outdoor remedy for spiders? This time of year my Southern California garden is covered with spider webs and it's pissing me off.

Darn! There's someone called steve too! OK, from now on I'm called Don Chivali

Cleaning the lint filter in the dryer.

When I was a kid I used to play "Ant Titanic" and dramatize the various situations these ants would be in as their ship (a piece of ice cream stick or whatever) was sinking.
I would imagine them saying stuff like "Oh look out for aunt marge!" or "Im sinking fast, throw me the life preserver!"

They are resilient little creatures. They can take a licking and keep on ticking. Nothing can stop them. I saw a special on ants on PBS and how all of their life functions are hard coded into their dna. Some are soldiers, some are warriors, some are drones, etc. But they are relentless. They have no self-awareness in the sense that they only have the good of their queen ant and nest in mind.
Purpose driven, you know...

I always like to refill the ink tanks on my printer.
This sounds kinda odd, I know, but as anyone else who has ever attempted this knows, there is no way possible to do this without getting printer ink all over your hands and shirt.
As my printer is a rather high capacity one, there's a lot of ink involved, but you still have to squeeze it through this tiny little tube, so as to keep the printhead all nice and airtight.
These little tubes inevitably end up spraying the ink back at you, kind of like a horror movie victim... At the end of the day, it looks like I've gone and beaten a clown to death with my bare hands... There's even usually a smear on my cheek or forehead, because I forget about the ink on my hands when wiping sweat from my brow, to help make me look extra Bobbocidal

I am soooooo lazy...and forgetfull. This works in my favour because being lazy I hate house work...being the only one in the house this can pose a problem...however. while cleaning I usually find money...I empty my pockets all over the I clean and make money...I do the laundry and my pockets have money...on average in a two week period I can a mass $20.00 not to bad...I count it as lost and then I find it...yes I know that it was already mine but, I forgot about it...counted it as spent or lost and so I have reclaimed it...the couch is a great haven for missing money...and the ants....I used to love to torment them...I used to get hundreds of them walkin right through my living room. the entire length about 20ft of just ants walking to the kitchen to get the crumbs and then they woudl walk back..I used to laugh so hard at this...especially when I would place crumbs on the ground with ant many fallen soldiers lay dead on the battlefield where no battle had taken place...kind of like chemical warfare...when will they learn...

As a child it was always my job to shine up the bathroom, most people look at scrubbing the toilet as tedious and gross, but when I was 5 or 6 it was my favorite chore. I loved making all those little soap bubbles form in the confined space and I made it my mission to make sure that every speck of dirt was erradicated. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist, so this fed my need for perfection. I wanted my bathroom to sparkle like you saw on cartoons and tv. I would swirl the suds in the bowl and scrub the chrome fixtures until I could see myself streak-free. I still like doing the bathroom more than anything else around the house. I guess I kept a bit of my childhood enthusiasm. I have had friends say that being made to clean the bathroom while in kindergarden was irresponsable of my mother, but I was smart enough to read the pictoral warning lable if not the words themselves and know that if I drank the crap I would most likely be very ill if not dead, and it was a lot easier for me to get into the little nooks and crannies than it was for anyone else in my family, as I was smaller than anyone else. I have carried on the tradition and my children now pick bathroom dutie over any and all other chores. In fact I have taught them that it is so much fun to do the bathroom, that now on cleaning day they argue over who gets to do it. They are 6 and 10. If only I could instill an equal love of laundry and dishes.

A second chore I fell in love with young came after we moved to the farm, I am an avid animal lover, and I adored doing anything that involved being in the barn, so I would regularly and without being asked clean out the pens and stables. We had a variety of animals and I have cleaned up after pigs, horses, cattle, goats, sheep, guiney(sp?) hens, chickens, and rabbits. Oddly enough the pig pen was easiest to clean - despite popular belief, pigs are very clean animals - the worst was trying to clean the chicken coop - chickens will defecate on anything, including each other. Because of my afinity for working around animals I have actually developed a love of the scent of a field freshly spread with manure, something only a country person can understand.

I like cleaning the bathrooms. Especially the toilets. Why? What other chore can you do that takes you from such utter filth from completely clean in 10 minutes? Plus, it scores big points with my spouse.

I like killing ants that live on my driveway. I used to not think it was so fun when I just used poison. I'm from Arizona, but now I live in Idaho. Poison is how we did it in Arizona, but my wife (a native Idahoan) showed me how they do it here where plantlife isn't so dry as to prohibit the use of gasoline in this way. Just pour gasoline on their hole for about five seconds then drop a match on it. It's amazing how fun it is once you get about five or six ant hills burning.

You know Scott. We remind me of advertisements I've seen for a new 3D animated movie coming out. The Ant Bully. I believe it's about the ants getting back at people like us.

I hate washing dishes but I like to wash my wine glasses a lot, the best part of it is when I get to wash 5 or more and them I put them upside down to dry right at the bar with a cloth underneat.


Rinsing dishes suddenly got lots more fun when I got one of those high-powered battery-operated water rifles. Now I can stack dishes and rinse them from 20 feet away. Unfortunately our kitchen isn't that big, so there's a danger of splashback.

As for your ants, you may find if you look closely that they are all the same ants! At night, they sneak out of the dust bag and wait in line for the next "Giant Suck-Up" fairground ride ... well what else does an ant do for fun?

I killed a wasp the other day with spray adhesive. (Finally a use for that). The vacuum cleaner is a lot easier and less stinky though with insects who aren't threatening your life.

I have an 11-inch female albino oscar (a kind of carnivorous fish). If she bites, she will draw blood, potentially break a bone, as well as release an astounding volume of cursing on my part, but by and large she confines her violence on crayfish. Feeding a fish is relatively fun--toss in food and watch what happens. Cleaning up afterwards--usually a carapace here, a leg there--is less fun. Particularly when the fish is eyeing your fingers and contemplating whether of not it's worth the energy to go after them.

However, cleaning up is actually quite fun in many respects. The crayfish are crafty little red devils, and hide in the nooks and crannies of large rocks in my tank, and as these rocks are moved--inevitably one or more panic and swim out into the open.

The oscar, often happy to have inspired fear and terror, immediately grabs at the crayfish, and exercises her most alarming attacks on it. This usually means she sucks their tails in and leaves their body exposed--which she uses to bang into the side of the tank. The fact that my fish will punish the food for hiding from her makes me endlessly happy. It unfortunately leaves guests to my home a bit perturbed that an animal would be intentionally cruel.

I love to bake. I can't eat the stuff I bake (my diet is very restrictive right now) but I love the creation of wonderful breads, cakes and cookies. The folks at work don't complain about my bringing in treats once or twice a week and I don't mind cleaning up after baking. It's just so satisfying to see the stack of goodies waiting to be packed up to bring in to work. (also wins me many brownie points with the computer support folks to get my jobs done on time or even early.)

I like drying dishes. I've always said that it's my spiritual gift.

My husband never mastered how to spend change -- he spends the paper money and dumps the rest in various receptacles around the house. So every few months I gather it all up, count it out into those little plastic bags and take it to the bank. It's totally not worth my time, but it gives me a perverse little thrill.

One of these days I'm going to use the money to go to Rio. Scott, you can join me with the cat turds you've saved up.

I despise doing laundry on general principle, but I love doing my little girl's laundry (she's 2), especially folding the clean clothes. I still use the special baby laundry detergent and so her little clothes smell all nice and baby-ish. That smell, coupled with the smell of the baby lotion I still use on her, just makes me all mushy inside. I have decided that when she is old enough to tell me she doesn't want her clothes smelling like baby detergent anymore, she will be old enough to do her own damn laundry.

Refactoring code written by a noob.

Scott, if you really want to have fun with the ants...

1) Capture a few dozen ants.
2) Crush them in a tea cup.
3) Wipe out a portion of the original ant trail with something that will disguise the "scent" (like soap, foot powder, whatever.)
4) Using a sharp pointy object, dip into your crushed ants and then leave a new trail starting from the end of the old one. Make the trail circular so it comes back to the trail.
5) Sit back and watch the ants go round and round and round until they wear themselves out.

Ciao for now.

I enjoy putting pens and pencils, etc. away in their containers that I've left strewn upon my desk. One container for pencils, one for ball point pens, one for markers, one for other kinds of pens, one for colored pencils, one for watercolor pencils, one for small paint brushes, one for dental tools, toothbrushes and other nonsencical-random-access thingy dingys. The joy of sorting!

Mr. Adams, you are a very sick man. I like!

My favorite outdoor chore is removing the dead moles my cat leaves in the yard. I find them - normally seeing them only seconds prior to stepping on them - tell the cat "thanks" and pick Mr. Dead Rodent up by its little tiny tail and carry it over to the woods. The cat marches proudly beside me and doesn't seem to mind the disposal of the prey. I don't mind doing this because I'm always amazed that this fat-ass cat can catch ANYTHING other than the sun's rays.

Scott, you're a sick man.

I like building stuff and cooking. Vacuuming and lawn mowing can be sort of enjoyable. Most of the joy of chores, for me, comes from the sense of accomplishment when it's over.

By the way, does vacuuming ants kill them? Don't they just crawl out of the vacuum when you aren't looking?


Scott - You totally need a Roomba - I've never had more fun than watching this thing vacuum my floors. It doesn't save me any time, because I watch it cover every inch of the floor, but it gives me a dictator-like thrill in seeing the electronic proletariat do my bidding.

It eats ants, too.

Scott, the pros do this too! A scientist named Brian Fisher collected the first ever living colony of army ants using a slightly modified shop vac from Home Depot:

I used to use the vacuum as an insect eradication device, but in my case it was cockroaches in japan. Now if you've ever been to japan, you know that cockroaches there areny our garden variety little brown buggers, but they are monsters of Godzilla proportions that fly. I dont know wny they never made a godzilla Vs Roachra movie, but it probably has somethign to do with the fact that every one gets creeped out by roaches and thats not good for movie profits.

At any rate, it was a good idea at the time.. Come home at night to the apartment, grab the vacuum and eradicated 50 roaches when you turn on the light. Of course, the problem with that, is the roaches know how to get out of a vacuum by crawling back up the hose. This led us apartment dwellers to a number of experiments on captive roaches.. none of which worked out well, except for the dish soap experiment (roaches are primarily oil based, so dishsoap kills them like salt on a slug) and led to us finally leaving the nozzle of the vacuum in a pitcher of water to prevent the inevitable escape of the roaches.

Let me just append that i never volenteered to empty the vacuum bag. I gave that job to the youngest roommate and relished in his screams as the bag burst just a few feet from the dumpster outside. Maybe that makes me psychic for knowing that. Or maybe it just makes me smart.

Ah, the joy of ant mishaps. Personally I prefer a glass of vodka mixed with sugar until syrupy. I console myself that they at least die happy. You reminded me of a game

As for cax box panning, perhaps you should start putting bits of foil into the catfood for some metallic finds. Or maybe use the same vacuum cleaner to provide more gritty punishment for the ants. The sound of grit going up the tube is very satisfying, especially if you have a Dyson, which are also handily transparent so you have an instant ant farm / morgue.

I get a kick out of working out...especially lifting weights. Since this leaves me in pain for some time afterwards and I usually end up hurting my shoulder before any appreciable changes occur to my string-beany arms, it seems rather counter-intuitive.

Oh, and I enjoy doing homework. That is as long as it's at a bar and the bartenders are female and fairly attractive.

They make these little ant baits now, Scott. You put four or five of them whereever your ants are likely to wander looking for food. They find the baits instead and take them back to the nest.


Honestly, I find that a lot more satisfying than vacuuming ants. Because, you see, I beat the Zombie Boss.

You really need a hobby.

Eating junk food with my bare hands, out of barely opened tin cans or just in front of the fridge, without bothering to heat them up or set them in a plate, let alone on a table, and drink accordingly.

THAT really gives me a thrill, possibly because it answers a basic urge, something seemingly very primitive, and at the same time, it provides a kind of perverse pleasure at being able to consciously discard hard built education and manners (not the same as not having learned manners in the first place, know what I mean?).

Of course, all of this is best done alone; company kind of spoils that fun.

The most fun I have with my "pet ants" is feeding them a fine product called "Terro." A small blob of Terro attracts them by the hundreds and they share it with their nest-mates and die. You'll be amazed.

Regarding your litter box: you really must invest in one of those automatic self-cleaning boxes. One of the best inventions ever. Guaranteed.

I'm certain you can find some new way to entertain yourself when you are not having to clean the litter box.

For me, it's ironing. If I want to be alone or not invited to join my family with yardwork or cleaning, I just get out the trusty ironing board...

Have used the vacuum to suck up spiders and insects too :)

Fun job: fluffing pillows when upset....

I love to go get the mail. It's like Christmas everyday. The fact that I mostly only receive bills and offers for high-interest credit cards in no way detracts from the pleasure of going to the mailbox.

I also request a lot of catalogs. This way, I get the pleasure of window shopping for things I can't afford right after the pleasure of emptying the mailbox.

We used to get ants in our kitchen and we first thought we would try the "natural" ant killer. It smelled like oranges. The bottle said "kills on contact" but that was a lie. You could soak the ants in that stuff and it then you would have to crush them with a paper towel or something. And it made the floor really slippery. So not only were the ants still alive, the kitchen floor was like ice.

That's when we said screw the natural ant killer and bought the real stuff. It works good. A little spray around the edges and no more ants.

sucking up dust bunnies with the vacuum. Don't know why, but I love it. Especially when they get really big and are all interconnected. A dog with long hair and hardwood floors make a good combo for this.
Sometimes I call them dust-rhinos. I know, I need help.

my "hobby" / "i hope to make money at this some day" work is designing and building wooden furniture. is it the thrill of a new client that excites me ? uh-uh. a fresh design ? nope. creating in solid form something from a paper drawing ? no way.

i like to sandpaper the wood.

i can sand wood, by hand, for 8 hours straight, sometimes i'll do it for 3 or 4 days in a row. i love it. i start with 60 grade paper, move on to 120, rapidly into 180, then the wood starts to get all shiny and nifty, then 220 gets that really smooth texture, and if i really spoil myself i'll devote 3 or 4 hours of needlessly sanding it with 400 grade paper for that silky feel. oooooooh.

i haven't told my wife yet, though i think she's beginning to suspect something.

While grilling last night I noticed a colony of ants marching across the sidewalk. I used my lighter to create a hazard and was shocked at the number of ants who marched directly into the flame and instantly melted.

I know you love weasels, and a near relative of them are Ferrets.
I only mention this because a very entertaining half hour can be had while vacuuming, if there is a Ferret or two loose in the room. They seem to think the vacuum-hose is an attacking snake, which they in turn tag-team and try to kill (They are related to the Indian Mongoose, y'know)
Not that they speak english, but their body-language is quite eloquent, and the conversations go something like this:
"Distract him Lefty! I'll bite his toes!"
"Help! (slurp) It's got me!"

I like cleaning things that don't matter. The grill on a box fan, for example. I use q-tips to wipe off the crud. I also clean the individual tines of combs.

This isn't as fun as stirring up political hornets. Let's talk about abortion in high crime areas as a way to reduce future crime.

Back in the day, as an electronic technician we would use the vacuum solder-suckers to dispatch and ant able to survive the solder flux and triclor.

It was greate because when opened the tool up, the hapless insect was blown(sucked) to bits.

bua ha haaa

Freeze Spray was also great fun, but doesn't go along with the ant/vacuum theme.

I had lots of fun helping my parents move furnature the other week. The reason been that I've been doing a lot of weight training of late and have built myself up a lot. So I kept picking up big items in a show offy way like "look how big and strong I am I'm carrying this on my own!"

Also when you're pushing big things along the ground you can pretend you're in the middle of a Rugby scrum.. well if you love rugby then you can find fun in that.

My favorite chore is doing the dishes.You probobly think that's dumb but i like to enjoy myself by spraying anyone next to me. I also like to think that the crumbs are my brother so it's kinda a brother-drowning spray frenzy.
I like doing the dishes.


If you tear the legs off a spider and then tell it to jump up and down it won't. So spiders without legs can't hear.

Maybe they don't have ears though, maybe they hear through their legs ...

Washing clothes. The cat is terrified of the washing machine and runs and hides under furniture whenever the 'spin' cycle starts.


"In retrospect, I don’t think ants have ears, because yelling never worked."

"It would bother me if they screamed in pain or begged for their lives, but they don’t, so it’s all good."

I'd say you and the ants have a serious communication problem. Serious for the ants, anyway ...

At the moment it has to be ironing. This is because I watch TV while doing it and with the World Cup on, I get to see most of the matches!

Similar to your ant sucking adventures ... I once had a friend who used to keep birds in a number of large avairies in his back yard. Birds eat seeds and are notoriously messy, with seeds spilling everywhere. The human equivilent would be a food fight as per "Animal House".

Anyway, spilt seeds attracts mice. He took significant pleasure in heading out into the dark of night with a torch taped to an air rifle to go "small game hunting" ... death was quick and silent for this miniuature prey. I would sometimes ride "shotgun" holding an additional torch and an extra pair of eyes to locate prey.

Vermin eradication was never so much fun!

I always had good fun killing big flies by hairdryer. Leave the light on on a summer night and spend a night catching them. First use the low setting to suck them onto the intake grid. Medium settings are good for the first legs and wings. High setting will instantly suck the fly in. Inside the hairdryer the fly is first chopped into bits, then cremated by the heater and finaly exited at high velocity.

An extra bonus is telling it to your sister in the morning after she has already used the dryer.

I am sure i'll go to heck for this...

I love cleaning up my computer: virus and spyware scans, defragmentation, etc. I love when I'm done and I know my computer is like new again. Ironically, I hate what I have to do next, which is back up my hard drive (probably the most important step since I have 7+ years of 40-hours-a-week work on my computer). Somehow copying stuff from computer to back-up drive is annoying, while cleaning is fun.

I know you will get lots of protests from animal-lovers, which you will most probably ignore. But I would like to point out that the ants probably do scream in pain although you can't hear it. Then they will slowly starve to death in your cleaner. Don't you think that's rather an excessive punishment for just annoying you a bit.

I hate ants coming in my kitchen, so I put a bit of jam, sugar and crumbs just outside for them. The odd one or two who do still insist on exploring are gently picked up and taken out again.

Have you considered using ant repellants instead of a vaccuum cleaner?

Dusting. It's a simple chore with instant gratification. Immediately, you can see the wonderful thing you've accomplished with minimal effort. Since all we really look at is the surface of things anyway, the room looks significantly cleaner without you having to do any actual cleaning.

In that way, it's a lot like painting a (small) room. Yes, the prep work is a nuisance but in very little time you can step back and admire your handiwork, clap yourself on the back and go get a beer.

The vacuum story reminds me of something that I've also done with one before. I have a small high-powered hand held vacuum (about 450W) that has wicked suction. My ex used to be terrible about ... well, basically she would compost on the counter. I'd come home from work (I worked shift work, 4 days on/4 days off - and I was away for the 4 days on a job site) and find that the kitchen was inundated with fruit flies. I found that fruit flies really seem to be attracted to a small bowl of salsa (I found this out one night while watching a movie on the couch eating salsa and nachos) and they will buzz around the bowl and walk around the rim. I saw the hand held vacuum and I picked it up and turned it on, and found that the fruit flies were being sucked into it from as much as a foot away. When I checked the filter in the vacuum, I found that the suction force had basically smashed the fruit flies to bits. So, whenever I was facing another armada of fruit flies, out came the bowl of salsa and the vacuum. It usually only took me about 20 minutes to rid the apartment of about 98% of the fruit flies. To top it all off, there was a certain satisfaction to see them swirling quickly through the air to meet their untimely death at the hands of an unforgiving vacuum filter.

I can really relate to the 'ant' story, it reminded me instantly of this. Thanks for the morning laugh Scott!

Washing dishes. You can really get some thinking done.

All of your next lives you will be born ant and go through ant eradication over and over again, doesn't this perspective scare you, like it would every self-respecting buddhist:) For all pleasure you gain, you have to pay somehow sometime somewhere

After witnessing dusty ants crawl out of my vaccum cleaner after I sucked them up, I knew I had to find another weapon. After some experimentation, my new fav way to slay ants is bio-chemical warfare. I found out that the enzyme-based "pets-n-kids" carpet spot-cleaner spray stuff is quite deadly to them. They squirm and spasm in agony then keel over. The fun part is turning the nozzle to the stream setting and sniping the few poor bastards who try to escape the killing field (usually a cracker that my toddler dropped/threw). Mother Nature is going to get me for this one of these days...

Other pleasurable task: I love weed-whacking. Often when I start I can't stop and end up decimating my property.

Ironically, you just described this morning chores for me - killing ants and cleaning out litter boxes. Except I used a dustpan and a sink full of water rather than a vacuum...still very fun! :) I too got a thrill out of watching them go down the drain. Wasn't as much fun though when I clogged up the drain due to the cat food I had to put in there with them. :( Anyway, sounds like that may be a universal fun chore! ;)

Cat poop gives a whole new meaning to the term software.
Get a shop vac. It makes vacuuming bugs a lot more high tech.

Do you ever feel like Sisyphus Scott? You vacuum up the ants and put the hover away. The slightly dizzy ants now redeploy and march back from the cupboard to the kitchen, at which point you go and get the hover.

Okay, in our last apartment, we had a rampant case of sugar ants. They lived in the walls, they crawled out of the light switch plates, they chewed their way into unopened boxes of cereal. (We took to keeping those in the freezer.) The only food it was safe to leave in the pantry was in metal cans.

I didn't bother using the vacuum on them, though - too much setup and it would have woken the baby. We had a lint roller in the kitchen that saw much more use collecting ants than lint. Seriously, if you think vacuuming them up is fun, you should try the lint roller.

Removing blackheads from the skin. It hurts, the skin gets irritated, and there's a non-trivial chance that you'll end up with a small hole in your face for the rest of your life. But the thing is SO addictive that I almost miss the time when I was younger and used to spend hours in front of the mirror taking them out. I say that I "almost" miss it because I've discovered that it's even better when you remove them from someone else's skin: same feeling of accomplishment, but without the pain and without the scars! Obviously a win-win situation.

In fact, I've been thinking about developing a product that will undoubtely make me rich: a small skin patch that contains small dots of pore-blocking bacteria. The patch is applied to the skin for a few hours and then removed. The bacteria remain on the skin and start feeding on the fat in the epidermis until they block pores, and after a few days create lots of blackheads where the patch was applied. We 30-year-olds won't have to look for blackhead-carrying unsuspecting victims anymore.

Any investors around here?

Scott, I can relate you your ant fiasco,I live in FL - which is nothing but a big pile of sand infested with a gazillion ants of all kinds, big red carpenter ants, little fire ants that bite like a sabre-tooth tiger, pyramid ants and once in awhile army ants.

My favorite are the red carpenter ants, especially when trying to move the sand around (i.e. dig) for a garden - when I'll run into a colony.

It's like hitting "red gold", they bubble up out of the ground like rich red lava, spreading out in all directions.

I immediately stop and get the high power Ortho spray and begin by forming a perimeter barrior around them, then move in for the kill - spraying half the bottle into their crevices as they keep sprewing out like uncontrolled vomit - hewing and twisting in the sand as they kick their little legs up and become paralysed.

I always look for the ones scurrying with the little white eggs - trying desparately to escape.

Sometime, I'm going to try nabalm - or perhaps a ring of fire out of Lysol.....or perhaps hring the services of a few anteaters.

Washing up.
When the options are:
a) sit with two toddlers and help them through their dessert, or
b) start the washing up,
then washing up seems like bliss; all the more so due to the schadenfreude of seeing the other parent covered in ice cream.
We fight over the washing up. When I win I like to imagine my hand is a fish and go hunting for it under the bubbles with a fork. Happy days.

You're probably going to get a million ant suggestions, but here's one more.

The ants leave a scent, or something, wherever they go. When enough ants have gone in a certain direction, the scent becomes strong enough that other ants decide there must be something worth going for, so they follow it. Then they follow the scent leading back home.

Keep a big bottle of cheap vinegar and a cloth in your kitchen; when you see ants, watch where they're coming from and going to. Follow them as far back in their expedition as you can. Then soak the cloth in vinegar and wipe all the surfaces around there. If you're really ambitious, you can wash all the surfaces you see them on.

There are no chores that are fun. If it were fun, it wouldn't be a chore.

I love mowing the lawn. And I actually prefer a push mower. I put on my headphones, start up the machine, and suddenly I'm enclosed in a little bubble of heat, and noise, and exhaust, and music, and for a very brief time I'm alone in that bubble, since no one bothers you when you are pushing a whirling steel blade around. Plus I get a bit of exercise and a feeling of accomplishment.

I like mowing the lawn. Usually when my boss tells me to make specific cosmetic changes to something it makes the product look worse and less functional. When my at-home boss (read wife) tells me to mow the lawn it always looks better and it seems that my labor is worthwhile.

You aren't afraid the ants are going to come back out of the vacuum?

Other than that, vacuuming sounds like a good way to dispose of bugs without having to get too close. I mean, when my fiance isn't around, of course. When he's here, bugs are his job.

Those ant buttons you get at the grocery store work wonders on ants ... but I guess that would deprive you of your fun.

Whack on.

digging my nose.
though i hate who do it.

Re-aranging my living room. Yes, this may sound odd, since its a entire days work (or more), and alwayse envolves being sweaty and moving large objects. But for whatever reason, I love to adjust and move things around.

You need to start taking your medication again!

Laundering the little carpets from the washroom always gives me a good feeling: the carpet fibers look nice all standing upright again, and it feels so plush.

And vacuum cleaners are great for spiders, too! As well as the occasional flying thing that makes its way into my house.

Beating the mother-in-law in an argument. It takes effort and can be a chore, but ultimately it is worth it.

Don't the ants just crawl back out of your vacuum cleaner when you are not looking?

I'm betting that this posts at no. 41.

havin a bath.....yes it is ....

till a few years back the entire family participated in the annual event-- "of bathing me" but now they have left it on me...but it all changed after a not so funny incident involving soap,relatives and my raging hormones

When you're lying in your bed tonight imagine the following: hundrets of ants creeping out of the vacuum cleaner, forming a line and heading to your kitchen cabinet...
Ever heard of ants breaking their neck? You could throw them out of the 20th floor and they wouldn't mind. So what about a little ride in a vakuum cleaner?

Oddly sometimes I like cleaning the kitchen or bathroom. Only when I am in the right mood and that is rare but I get a perverse thrill out of cleaning. At the moment my flat is a mess because I am very busy at work, but I imagine when things calm down I'll be back to wiping down with enthusiasm.

I'd worry about the impending break-out of the ant army from their dusty prision, they have probably built some twisted anthrax making terrorist antfarm.

I have to admit I really like sorting through old boxes that have been left around since the last time you moved/had a clear out/needed some space. I always find loads of cool stuff that I'd forgotten about.

How about cleaning out those pesky threads that get wrapped around the beater bar on the vacuum's carpet cleaner head. Considering that I seem to regularly pull lengths of several feet long out of my vacuum head, I'd expect to find be finding my carpets or my curtains split completely in half.

Strangely enough, I enjoy vacuuming in general. Perhaps the noise gives me some sort of sense of solitude.

I'm convinced that vacuums are truly marked for women rather than men. If they were marked for men there would never be a high and low setting. There would be a high setting and a Boeing 747 engine setting. As well, the 747 setting would be welded on and the only real control would be the ability to pull the plug from the wall. Has anyone, anywhere, ever ever ever used a low setting on a vacuum.


It's sad but I have the same thing with doing the dishes.

I love doing them so much that I actually do them 3 or 4 times a day.
I quite like to cook and use loads of pots, pans and all that stuff just so I can wash them all whilst I cook.
I have even been known to change glasses every time I take a new glass of OJ or something. The other glass is perfectly fine to drink from but if i didn't take a new one I wouldn't get to wash them.

It's sick, I know but I see it as a small victory in a dirty world that I win the battle with dirt in my own little sink....and my kitchen is spotless (which goes down well with the ladies.....really, my mom is very impressed)

I've done exactly the same thing a few weeks ago here in Borehamwood, England.

I thought I'd been the first to think of it. I couldnt think of any other way of getting them out of thick carpet.

But did you remember the coup de grace? After sucking 'em all up, you then suck up a fair bit of ant-killing powder to

a/ give them a faster death

b/ ensure they don't, against all the odds, survive, escape and come looking for revenge.

If they are outdoors, then using a deodorant spray, and a long match or candle gives a great blowtorch effect - they literally shrivel up and die instantly, so its kinder than poison, and a lot more fun too.

Youre a strange strange man scott.

Interesting hobby for a vegetarian. Is it a size thing? At what point does it become wrong? If you aren't busy we have some foxes over here in the UK that have had it easy lately and don't get me started on the bloody squirrels. You'll need a bigger vacuum cleaner though.

I like to find out best way to do something. It’s fun until I figure it out, then it becomes boring, so I look for something else to figure out. That is a rather vague description, so I’ll give examples.
Washing clothes. I liked it when I started using the machines at my new apartment. I would keep track of exactly how I would do it until I got it almost perfect. Changing settings, varying soap and softener amounts, seeing how much I could cram in before the clothes weren’t really washed, then reducing the amount a little at a time until they stopped getting cleaner. Took a long time to get it right, and then I knew exactly what to do and became a mundane routine.
Making coffee. I worked on that a long time also. First I did it at home using ground coffee, trying all different kinds of coffee, coffee makers, grinds, etc. Eventually I came up with the perfect cup of coffee for me. Others didn’t think it was that great, but Hey, I wasn’t making the damn stuff for THEM.
Then I moved, and started getting my coffee from the 7-Eleven before work. Man, I could make so many different variations I never got tired of it. They even have a recipe book with hundreds of combinations in it. But that was cheating. Their advertising claimed some big number, like 2,785, and I believed them.
Then my doctor made me cut down on coffee after they removed my cancerous prostate.
I still drink an occasional cup I make at home using instant cappuccino, but it isn’t fun anymore.
But my apartment changed all the washing machines from top loading to front loading. So I get to have fun washing clothes all over again!

Cleaning up my own room. I hate it, but sometimes I do found something that is 'buried' in my room.

Buried treasures that is. Here are the short list... Old Windows 95 Installation Disk, Bill Clinton on the sheet of old newspaper, dead rat (oh..did I mention dead rat?), some coins and money under my cabinet and bed.

I'm not cleaning my room this year...yet. But since my sinusitis become more acute this month, my doctor ask me to clean my room. Shame one me ( really, that doctor is MY DAD :-P )

I perversely enjoy cleaning the mixture of hair, soap, toothpaste, saliver and the stuff that likes to grow on that mixture out of the plug hole.

I one had to hoover up over 1000 bees that had swarmed into my bedroom and didn't manage to make it out of the windows I opened. Boy, do bees smell bad when they decompose! Don't the ants make your hoover smell?

I wonder what it's really like for the ants? Some incredible noise and vibration followed with fantastic winds and then slow suffocation in a bag of dust. If we are not aware of suffering does it mean it doesn't exist? Oddy enough our ant problem was permanently solved by feeding the birds. Since then the ants caught on that there is always free food available on the lawn and have completely evacuated the house where food is far less accessible. The chore is now to feed the birds, but that is much more fun than killing the ants (both for me, the birds and the ants).

Yeah, ants don't show any survival instict. I found a colony of ants marching a strait line in and out of my raingutters once. I sprayed the entire line with poison killing all of them instantly. However, there were many more that what were visible to me, and they kept walking the same line. They would just crawl of the bodies of he friends and keep on course heading bothe directions. I would wait for the line to fill with live ants again, then spray them all dead. Wait. Spray. Wait. Spray. After a while, I began to wonder why the masive amounts of poison I was laying down wasn't effect the ants unless it his them directly. Were the ants holding their breaths until the spray hit them and then they suddenly gasp with shock?

Careful Scott, ants are powerful foes.
I grew up in the North West of Australia, in a town called Port Hedland.
Small mining town, not much to do if you aren't old enough to drink or drive (not necessarily at separate times either)
So as a child I used to delight in catching / tormenting snakes, lizards, spiders & ants, all found in great abundance in our backyard.
One day I was lying on the ground, intently studying the next ant nest I planned to destroy. My preferred method was to pour petrol, or gasoline as you may say, down the nest & then set fire to the nest with a box of matches, both pilfered from my old man's shed (A well stocked arsenal for a 7 year old).
The ants were waaaaaaaaay ahead of me though, & had sent out a fast attack suicide shock trooper ant to crawl up my arm and INTO MY EAR. The pain & distress was unbelievable. He must've been chewing on my eardrum, and I went insane
for a short time with the agony.
Who do you turn to in times of such crisis? Your Ma, of course. Seeing as I was covered in "angry" ants by this time she quickly deduced the cause of my distress & jammed a piece of cotton wool into my ear, then rammed it in musket style with a cue tip, crushing the ant like a...bug.

It was a close call, but I survived the ant's fury.

What almost killed me was the hiding my Da gave me for playing with petrol & matches when he got home.

So beware...

And you ask us this on a Monday morning...
Well, I guess I'd have to say: all poop-non-related chores.

Or taking out the trash. It's a nice walk and it can be a relief for the senses on a hot day.

Or maybe cleaning out extra stuff at home. I enjoy exploring the dephts of the closet, choose from things I haven't looked at for a long time (a trip down memory lane)and getting rid of all unnecessary objects that clutter up space. I like keeping the house minimalistic.

Isn't cruelty to animals a prelude to possibly becoming a serial killer?

I like taking out the garbage. There's just something about shaking that flat, new bag up and down until it's fully open.

Watering the garden. Lots of mayhem can be justified with a high pressure hose.

Get a Dyson vacuum cleaner - you get to see the ants wizzing round in a sort of ant version of the tornado from the Wizard of Oz.


Use an anti-ant chalk. They're cheap, effective, and doesn't waste your time.

You're a very peculiar man sometimes Scott.

I like to clean the toilet and the basin, and ponder how my flatmates manage to get so much toothpaste around the outside of the basin.

The toilet's a bit smellier, but it's so much nicer to use a clean toilet than a dirty one that transforming the toilet from dirty to clean is bizarrely satisfying.

I do not like cleaning the shower though.

My favourite chore however boring is cleaning out the fridges at my workplace

confined place + vanilla aerosol spray = happiness

I like deleting files. Even when users ask me to, I still enjoy it.

My Husband vacuums flies. You have to sneak the end of the hose really slowly towards them, but it's worth it to see them take off to fly away and disappear! Of course, now we've been in this house a few years, we seem to have naturally selected flies that never stay landed for more than a few seconds. It's harder to suck them up out of the air.....

On a totally unrelated matter, why do you bother to approve the idiots who can't read " Comments are moderated, and will not appear on this weblog until the author has approved them." and just say "Woohoo! first post!"? Is it just a form of public humiliation for the terminally stupid, or are you hoping they'll get the hint and learn to pay attention?

Explain to me again why you are a Vegitarian when it is ok to slaughter thousands of inconvenient creatures? If they were furry or had "Please don't kill me" eyes would things be different?


PS: when you find a trail of ants, lay a line of salt across their path, then box in the sides (It is ok for me to do it, because I am not a Veggie!. It can be entertaining watching thewm try and find a way out.

You could ask for a vacuum cleaner for a wedding present...

Okay, I can understand the part about the ants being fun. But cat turd panning? Eeeew...

You just made me spew coffee all over my keyboard! Thanks for the laughs!

Scott, this has been your WORST article by far! Sorry..

Filing, every time: Hole punching, that's just satisfying in itself, date-stamping letters, and then attaching things together with those little 'treasury tag' things that are just a bit of string and two bits of metal or plastic on the end. Those make me unexplainably happy.
Then comes outwitting the kind of ring binder that aways wants to snap your fingers off, and the filing cabinet that is a minefield for papercuts, giving the whole thing a thrill of danger, as well -what could be better?

Woodcutting. Nothing relieves stress better than about hour swinging with huge axe, imagining that chunk of wood is one of your relatives/bosses/neighbour's cat.

No doubt: cutting your nails.

Arguing with my 5 year old sister. It helps me learn how to deal with people who can't use logic, which must be very helpful in the "real world". Plus it seems to prove your theory that human behavior is controlled by insentives, though my sister likes to throw socks at me, so I don't have a clue what she'll be when she's older. Maybe a navy seal...

Hunting 'roaches.

In summer, on the rare occasion, we get roaches 75mm long that can fly. A beast of this magnitude requires special attention. Remaining calm and without making any sudden movements, I make for the kitchen and retrieve my Spray of Doom. Using this spray on an insect without lungs or a flight plan would dissolve it instantly...this is the real deal.

I stalk back into my lounge where I saw it land. I know it was in the lounge because the smell of urine mixed with poop still hangs in the air due to my body initially not handling the winged monsters entrance very well. I crouch low, scanning the walls and floor. After what feels like an eternity of motionless searching, I spot the brute just within a shadow under my coffee table. I remove the cap of the Spray of Doom, ensure that the nozel is facing away from me and stalk my prey like a sloth with three legs and a really long neck.

SSSSHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFT! A long blast is released. Now the fun begins. The beast launches into the air and I throw myself out of the way but still manage to keep a bearing on his whereabouts. He lands just behind my couch. SSSSHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFT! another blast. This is the killer blow. The poison takes effect and he limps and strains for the nearest refuge of darkness, but my dustpan and brush whisk him away to his grave in the trash can.

My hands are shaking and my heart is still racing as I try to calm down after the event. A strange sense of pride wells up inside of me as i feel I have accomplished something worthy of the hunter-gatherers of long ago.

Beats dusting hands down. ==[]

I would have thought being a famous cartoonist and all, you would live in a fancy house with no ants. Or maybe hire a bodyguard to take care of the ants...

i've always enjoyed cleaning out my closet. When you check the pockets every few years, it's guaranteed you'll find about 40 bucks worth of money.

And it's always 5 dollar 1s, no 10s, no 20s, and certainly no 2s. What's with that?

The one chore I really enjoy doing that really isn't that fun has to be changing light bulbs. Maybe it’s a g-d complex or something but going into a dark room and making it full of light is way to entertaining to legal for anyone under 21.

Vacuuming ants reminds me of my Days of Impoverishment. The meat in the trash can ... evolved... and out emerged a flock of hundreds of house flies. In sheer panic, I turned to the nearest WMD I could find - a vacuum cleaner. The one with water for filteration. I took out the carpet attachment and used it much like a light saber. Upto 6 inches from the tip, it emitted Suction of Death for any flying critter. Cleaned up the kitchen in 15 minutes. Much funner than ants anyday.

Cooking.. I love to cook :)

Shouting at ants!!?? Hahahaha!!
Ok, I love cleaning out my book cupboard, which happens only like twice a year.. Every time I do, I invariably find some old notepad or clendar or something that i can sit and read and discover what nonsense I was thinking a year ago.. It's dam entertaining!!:D

Nothing indoors, unfortunately. My favorite chores are the ones that get me out of the house. Unfortunately, I'm not much better at gardening than I am at housekeeping. When my eleven-year-old son and I walk up to the nursery answer center, most of the workers now know to address their answers to him. He's the one with the clue. (In fact, if I hadn't accidently produced a plant-nut for a son, I'd probably just bark the flower beds and be done with it....)

The one odd thing I really like to do in the yard is pull up stinging nettle roots. We have 1 1/4 acres and about half of it was overrun with nettle when we moved in last year. I get a perverse pleasure in digging out the thick shallow roots and tugging them up. I get the biggest high from the roots that run several feet out. I love watching nettle plants whoosh backwards into the ground and then up again on the end of my tugged root. I've probably conquered about 3/4 of the nettle problem. I might need to leave a small section for my root-tugging pleasure in future years.

Fortunately, I can count on my goats not to step in and take out any of my nettles for me. They are happy to munch on the roots after I've pulled them up - but they have little interest in doing any of the prep work themselves.

Since someone always brings it up: yes I'm aware you can eat the nettle leaves. I've made a very tasty and, I'm told, nutrious soup from them - but it was a lot of work. I didn't enjoy the process - and if I don't enjoy it, the nettles have won.

My favorit housechore is cleaning behind the sofa. We only do it at large intervals, so it es very exciting what you will find this time. My best dicovery was a stack of vouchers/giftcertificats left by a hardwarestore salesperson. I didn't buy anything from him at the time of his visit, but now I go there all the time. I haven't payed for hand tools in a long time.

For some reason I go through phases for really enjoying writing certain numbers. when I was young, it was the obvious choice, 8, but I've gone through many since then: 2, 7, 1, 6, 4, and most recently, 3. I don't know know why I love this so much, and frankly, I'm afraid to tell anyone about it. I don't go around looking for places to write the number three, but whenever an opprotunity arises, I really enjoy doing it.

Doing the dishes by hand, not just rinsing 'em off and puttin' 'em in the automatic dishwasher (there's an odd human phenom, Scott) but actually cleaning them and drying them off I find relaxing and therapeutic.
But Jeez-I HATE CLEANING THE CATBOX!Repulsive!!! Yet somehow, I've been tricked into doing that as my duty-AAAAUUUUURRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Quick!Quick! Give a dish, any dish, ah yes, mmmm, that's better, I'm OK now thanks...

Removing ticks off dogs!!! There is no greater stress buster. Even when I am just petting my dogs, my hand are constantly looking for those bumps and I loe it when I find one and can then yank it out. Such satisfaction...

Wow, first comment, or I hope so anyway.

My favorite chore that shouldn't be fun but is would have to be checking the mail. Granted that I rarely get anything, and it's usually bills/magazines for my roommate, I enjoy doing it, even if it's pouring rain outside.

For some reason, I really revel in cleaning the kitchen. It's the room where it always looks miraculously transformed when you're done, regardless of it's previous state.

One question: do you ever change your vac-bag or canister? If not, you likely have thousands of mofo'n pissed ants making a new--and huge--colony in your vacuum cleaner.

Have fun with that!

Turning the compost heap. It stinks. It is full of half-rotten table scraps and yard waste, and teems with life. The top layer is mostly fruits and vegetables hanging onto dim hope, like aging movie stars trying to hang onto their looks. I always offer one to the kids, telling them that the grass clippings 'keep it fresh', but no takers. Below that is the large bug layer -- potato bugs, centipedes, bedbugs, beetles, spiders, etc. Below that is the ant zone -- untold thousands of the smallest creatures -- next time you're in Spokane, we'll have a vacuum party. Then comes the worm zone -- mostly red wigglers with a few night crawlers. This must be the most lavish, unimaginably bountiful places in the world for these creatures, but I am a fickle god, and every month or so, they must suffer The Coming of the Pitchfork, when I happily mix and match these layers, for most effective composting.

But the best part is, throughout this entire compost heap, are the hidden burrows and tunnels of mice. As I turn the compost heap, the kids stand around it with buckets to catch escaping rodents, so that they can 'take care of them' by keeping them in a bucket for a day or two, offering them grapes, and poking them with sticks to make them run around and leap desperately. Sometimes, we find entire litters of pink baby mice that try desperately to squirm under one another in a cute and endearing effort to be eaten last.

All in all, I would rather turn the compost heap than just about any other household chore. And it is so satisfying to know that ten metric tons of household waste that would have gone into the garbage stream has been reduced to a bucket full of priceless compost -- dense and moist, dark and sweet smelling, the best fertilizer that money could buy. I spread it lavishly on our garden, which we no longer cultivate. I never had any interest in keeping a garden. But you should see the weeds!

scott adams my man, you are clearly getting more and more lonely.

Sweeping up leaves. I actually go and sweep up all the leaves and stuff outside our apartment block even though that is supposed to be done by the guys hired by the Strata managers for the building. Something very relaxing about it.

I hate cleaning cat litter because it stinks. The fact that it's poop doesn't bother me. But the smell makes me retch and gag and feel uncomfortable and hateful.

I sorta like dusting. And organizing things. Of course my computer desk is very dusty and unorganized, but it's better than it was^_^

I like being the first one in a new jar of peanut butter... but then who doesn't.

Cutting the big 6 foot tall weeds my son and I have been neglected since last year is fun. We get to use the big gazonga limb trimmer thingy with the 3 foot long handles.

I like watching the washing machine as it agitates, drawing the dirty clothes under the warm, soapy surface and scrubbing them all clean... Sometimes I am so mesmerized by this that I forget to close the lid of the machine and so return later to swap loads only to find my clothes soaking in cold, grimy water because the washer won't spin with the lid open. I have no choice but to drain the machine and start over. Then I get so mesmerized...

I used to believe that a persons net worth was related to their I.Q. It may still be, but it's an inverse relationship apparently. Reference, your post today, and this story about the billionaires son jailed for breaking into a bait shop;

I try to keep an open mind so, good hunting in the cat litter box...

#What’s your favorite chore that shouldn’t be fun but is?#

Being a PWS on a weird fucks blog. BBC

Seriously, I approach all chores like any man should. THEY ARE CHORES, which are meant to be a chore and not enjoyed.

I would advise you to have your coffee tested for additives however, as that is a common way that women trick us into doing chores.

Panning for cat poop = comedy gold.

What about the spookily shaped pools of pee that form in the clumping variety of litter? If I gave him enough tuna water, my 15 lb. cat could pee a silhouette of me.

My favorite chore is dusting the ceiling fans while they are still in motion. Get one of them long-handled Swiffer thingamabobs and ka-whack-a-whack-a-whack-a!

Loading the dishwasher. The clean kitchen sink has become an obsession, and I seriously need thereapy. OTOH, it does look - clean!

I would pay good money never to have to clean out the cat litter ever again. I love my cats but every day we go through a specific ritual: the "good morning" conversation, the doling out of "Whiskas" and then the horrible wretching as I dig for stools. Scott, if you are into this, then I have a spare room for lodging; I will set up a studio for you in the basement & I will provide free lentils on demand. We (my cats and I) are in Sydney but the world is flat, we have the internet and you don't need to wear socks here most of the time. All you need to do is deal with the cat pooh: sounds like a win/win to me.

My favorite chore that shouldn't be fun, but is, is cleaning the toilet. It makes me feel better knowing that I have made it clean and shiny, and have bleached away all the nasty germies (even though I only touch it with the part of my anatomy reserved for sitting, making bad smells, and getting rid of things my body doesn't need). Even though I know that the toilet is specifically designed for flushing my yucky 1's and 2's away (and for that reason it shouldn't matter how much it shines and sparkles and repels bad bacteria after a good cleaning, because, you know, it's getting rid of poo), I still take great pride in having a clean shitter.

Every summer the ants come marching. It wouldn't matter if there was no food in the house, they just keep coming, I assume to check just in case. Their army must be so big that a couple of million scouts that go missing won't be noticed by army command.

I imagine they're very hungry as even if they can't get into the honey jar they still swarm all over it, flinging their little black bodies and sucking as hard as they can.

Once they even got into the fruit bowl and swarmed all over the apples. They couldn't eat them through the apple skin but they must have liked the apple smell.

So I had to balance the fruit bowl on top of a soft-drink lid, which was a chore in itself because every time you eat an apple you need to re-calibrate everything so it balances.

My girlfriend kept mucking it up because she doesn't understand. She gave me her vacuum cleaner because she only has carpet on her stairs. I haven't tried using it as an ant wmd but it's pretty weak, and they'd survive the suck and then emptying the bag would be unfun.

I always enjoy drowning them to test if they're witch ants. Or just squash with a finger and flick it out the kitchen window.


I'm so disappointed that USA wasn't smashed by Italy like they deserve, but it's hilarious that even though they drew 1-1 they still haven't scored a goal, they need the opposition to score it for them!! ... awesome, such losers, always great to see the schoolyard bully humiliated

Mopping the floors of my house because I can sing old Negro spirituals while I'm doing it and fill my roommates with liberal guilt about slavery/me mopping.

What makes you think ants actually die on your vacuum's dustbag?


That's it. I'm officially offering you my ability to suck up ants in a consulting manner.

Or, since you've definitely got life of your own that doesn't need random arrivals of wetdryvacs (however sanitary) I'll just pass on my favorite chore that shouldn't be fun:

Dealing with consultants and others who offer me services I don't need is probably my favorite job in any given day. When they arrive, I take great pleasure in giving them the gratification of completing their spiel, making sure to ask interested and hopefully intelligent questions all the while. The idea is to help them achieve the feeling that they’ve done something useful, to make them happy with their days, and then attempt to sell them a completely random item from my house.

The only rule is that the item must be utterly worthless.

Other than that, I'm pretty boring when it comes to chores.

Its weird but I like cleaning cat poop too.

My other would have to be washing windows.

I live in Japan, and we have futons (well, my kids do, my wife and I sleep in a normal bed). Futons are not funny pieces of furnature that fold into beds (that's an American idea), but are instead just soft pads you sleep on, and fold up in the morning (saves space). It's good to hang the futons out on the balcony to soak up the sunshine, since the sun kills germs (or something like that). Plus it's fun to smack the futons as hard as you can to beat dust and bad air out of them. I don't like hanging the futons as a rule, but beating them as hard as I can is not bad.

To be honest, I'm also a big fan of getting rid of ants. We used to get rid of them with a spray bottle filled with mildly soapy water. The ants would walk on the ceiling and zap! Very exciting. Then I'd stand on the countertop just to wipe the dead suckers off, followed with a wipe with an antiseptic. In case we wanted to eat off the ceiling, I guess.

Did you know that ants can't walk across talcum powder? Really helpful in the war against ants.

I always enjoyed washing the dishes. After I "accidently" drop one of the plates my room mate will volunteer to do the rest. Not very time consuming but enjoyable regardless.

Probably not really a "chore", but I'm a big computer person, so I fix all my friends' and families' computers. Removing spyware, viruses, etc., has its own fun to it, really. The success of finally getting something working is what's kept engineers going for centuries, so this is really just another version of it :-)

I like taking out the garbage, because I buy those REALLY big black garbage bags, and then stuff the bag as well as I can to make it look like it *could* contain a dead body. I wait until dark and then drag it to the dumpster, then pretend to use my cell phone and say, "Yeah, Derek's taken care of." Then I run back inside. I can't wait for the day that I get a cop at my house, and watch him go through all my Taco Bell wrappers.


ok, this isn't a favorite chore story, but it is similar enough to your story to at least be related.

Last summer my neighbor went away for a week, and put seven or eight of those Japanese Beetle catchers all around the yard. For those who don't have this problem, these little pests destroy most plants within range by chewing voraciously. The catcher is this carrier bag sized bag that has a noose around it so as to give it a small neck, and some chemical thing in there that smells like Japanese beetle sex. Not sure how they attract both sexes, but I guess I don't need to know.

So this guy's away for a week, and when he came back each of these bags held around 4 or 5 pounds of mixed dead and alive Japanese beetles, presumably with the ones on the top still looking for sex. Wouldn't that be a turn-off, trying to copulate on top of 3000 dead predecessors?

Apparently not.

Best job that isn't has to be watering the lawn. Man I am working hard here holding the hose, squirting the kids. Am so busy I have not got time to scratch...oh wait....yep..I do have the time.

If you vacuumed up ants, cantt they just crawl right back out of the vacuum? Or do you allign your vacuum bags with ant poison? Cause that would suck.

I just realized I made a vacuum joke without even trying.

I think blasting my keyboard clean with a can of compressed air is a pretty good time.

And weed whacking is more fun than strictly necessary. It's easy to get carried away.

i love balancing my checkbook and paying my bills. i just like moving money around from column to column. i guess that's why i'm an accountant. ;)

Changing light bulbs. I don't have to use a stepladder or a chair (the lazy man's stepladder). I can be all "look how tall I am" while actually appearing helpful...

Destroying bathroom tile mildew, baby! I like to imagine they've built an entire microscopic civilization, with universities and shopping malls and then...Boom!I am become death, the destroyer of Worlds! Sorry, what was the question again?

No attempts to keep the ants out in the first place?

Studding for models.

Just spray some Hot Shot. Works pretty well.

I recently got my European-style laundry machine working and I can now do laundry in my apt in really small loads instead of making several trips going down to the public laundryroom in the garage. Since I don't like people, this is awesome. It's my new toy. It uses some interesting innovations like a condensing chamber for the dry cycle (it does wash and dry in the same chamber). I get a little excited each time I do a load for some reason.

First comment?

why is it that you have been asking questions at the end of your blogs lately?

This is more about ants. Whenever I see a slew of ants I give them food. They love it, then they die. You see, artificial sweeteners are just as bad for ants as it is for us, but they can't survive with as much in their bodies as we can. I just sprinkle my "extra" restaurant packet of NutraSweet, or whatever, in their line of travel and they all die. "Sweet."

I've also been having ant problems recently in my house, but instead of using a vacuum, I use spray to kill 'em. To be honest I really love spraying those buggers to death, watching them suffer as I laugh manically.

I've also been having ant problems recently in my house, but instead of using a vacuum, I use spray to kill 'em. To be honest I really love spraying those buggers to death, watching them suffer as I laugh manically.

Wow...I love killig ants too, but ive only killed about 600 or so at the most.

And I don't do the vaccum thing, I just crush 'em.

No pain, much gain.

Wouldn't the ants come out from the dust bag?

Maybe you should get a DustBuster (you know, one of those little hand-held vacuums) for clearing up ants.

They're also handy for crumbs and whatnot.

I don't really have a favorite chore but I did want to share my bug woes.
We have suddenly been invaded with gnats. And I DO mean invaded!
I cannot figure out where they are coming from. I thought the pantry at first but I don't actually see them in there. We did clean the pantry when the cloud of gnats first showed up though.
So then it seemed to me that squadrons of gnats were flying up from the garbage disposal. I filled both drains of the double sink with full strength bleach. Then I put the stoppers in and left the bleach in there all day. They laughed in my face when I removed the stoppers that evening and they swarmed around my head.
My stepmom, alas I live at my parents home probably for the rest of my life, thought they were coming from under the kitchen sink. She sprayed approximately eleventy million cans of raid under there with absolutely no effect other than to make the humans of the household severely queasy. Lord knows what the long-term effects on us humans will be.
So I just go around the house sporadically slapping my hands together at little black dots. I sort of look like Steve Martin in The Jerk when he was trying to clap along with the music but couldn't find the beat. HIGH degree of dorkitude!

It's cheaper just to kill the ants before they get into the house. Wait for a sunny day with no rain in the forecast. Then take some dry hot-cereal mix like "Malt-O-Meal" and sprinkle it near the ant hills by your house. The ants will take it back to their nests and eat it. The hot-cereal mix will swell in the ants' stomachs and cause the ants to explode, thus killing the colony. It's efficient enough for Dilbert, yet cruel enough for Dogbert. Everyone wins (except for the ants)!

picking up the wet dog poop right after it rains.
I know its gross but theres a bag between my hand and the fartbomb, so its all good, right?

I've always enjoyed doing the dishes - there is something intensly satisfying about converting a recently disordered kitchen into an ordered one, plates stacked and cutlery sorted
Mildly ironically, the cleaning of my bedroom is quite the opposite, as it is usually quite possible to loose a small child among the piles of clothes (clean and dirty - if your gunna hoover, why keep the clothes off the floor?)
but then, i'm a student, so its traditional


My favourite is a tie up between exerting manly strength in the chopping of firewood and killing ants with the "they take it back to the nest and kill the queen" poison. Watching the little workers all trough out on the poison before weaving their drunken way back down the trail is good, but the flood of bewildered, confused ants that come out of the woodwork once your remote-controlled smart bomb worker ants deliver the dose is the best.

I use the vacuum cleaner at that point, too.

My favorite chore that shouldn't be fun that is actually quite fun for me is cleaning anything with the wipes (ie: kitchen wipes, bathroom wipes, cleaning car wipes, window wipes, everything except for baby wipes). It is way more fun to clean if you can pull the wipe out of the container. The only problem is that I can never pull just one wipe out of the container. A lot come out, and that is just fine because they are fun to use.

I have an experience with vacuuming pests...I tried to vacuum an enormous wolf spider, but it just wrapped it's legs around the sucker and wouldn't let go. So, naturally, I just screamed and ran away and never returned to that room. I assume that it has taken it over and it is now occupied with a gigantic spider.

I enjoy ironing.

But that's because, in my house, the person ironing was always in charge of the remote control.

So, if you didn't feel like watching another round of Olympic Ice-Skating, you could whip out the ironing board and change the channel to something more intellectually stimulating, like Stallone in "Cobra" (if only for the scene in which he whips the car around and drives backwards to shoot at the bad-guys at 50 mph).

Even so, slow down everybody!

Woo hoo - First post (both mine and this blogs). I kinda like cleaning my shed. It lets me interact with all those odd ball things I bought from the hardware shop but don't use. There's a perverse pleasure in owning tools you don't use, no cleaning, they never wear out.

I'm not so sure about panning for cat poop, Scott. I believe lots of us in "the coalition of the willing" are investigating nuclear power but are worried about where to put the waste. So if a man from the governement comes around offering you free glow-in-the-dark blobs of metal, say No ok?

I scold my son, he uses the vacuum cleaner to get rid of those lizards, now the ants are in danger, i hope he doesn't read your post today.


Vacuuming. Kind of like the thing with the ants, I just enjoy watching all the random suckers on the floor go up the hose. Plus I do it when there's no one else around with music blasting, which always makes for a better time.

Cooking spahgetti for my cat is my favorite chore that shouldn’t be fun but is. My cat likes to eat spaghetti.

Use borax - Ronnie advertised it. Vacuum cleaner might be fun but no effective.

Here's a much more permanent way to rid yourself of ants: boric acid. All you do is put out some strips of paper and squirt the clear thick liquid on it and wait. The ants smell "food" and come eat at the boric acid buffet line until they can't eat any more, and then they go back home and tell their buddies "hey man, there's free 'food' up there!" All of a sudden you get a bazillion ants eating the boric acid and then one day shortly thereafter--no ants. This is because the boric acid is not food, it gets up inside of their little bodies and acts as sugar-coated time-delay poison. And since they are nice little gatherers, they take back bunches of it for the folks in the anthill (like the queen). And so the entire anthill goes bye-bye and you have no more ants.

Unless of course you enjoy murdering them with physical warfare rather than chemical weapons.

I, for one, much prefer it when you post while obviously drunk like this. When you post sober and bitter, all we get is boilerplate lefty-speak and insults of religious people.

For the record, replacing those gunky pans underneath the stove heating-coils is very rewarding.

Bottoms up!

I am a single male with a lot of married friends who believe that men are incapable of doing domestic chores (or maybe it's just me).

As a result, whenever they visit they feel the need to do them for me. My apartment gets vacuumed (I have no idea if I have ants - the vacuum fairy gets them for me), my shirts get ironed (the famous ironing fairy), even my dishes get washed (the washing-up fairy). I don't understand why the toilet-paper fairy feels the need to fold the ends into little triangles, but I am willing to go along with it.

Strangely enough, my friends tell me that their wives don't act the same way at home. Most seem to be quite envious.

I once heard of an elderly couple who were visiting friends. The old man was offered a cup of tea, which he accepted. The hostess asked "Do you take sugar?". He turned to his wife and asked "Do I take sugar?". It turns out he had never even made himself a cup of tea! This man is my hero.

Leave the chores to someone else. They get the satisfation of doing the chores (and telling their friends how useless you are, which is an added bonus for them and costs you nothing), and you can get on with doing the things that you enjoy.

Yay first.

One time we encountered so many ants in the kitchen they were like a black blob.

We threw on some latex gloves and crushed them with our hands. It was godlike.

I've made the amazing
discovery that the strongest
ant repellant is crushed up
ant bodies. Just scoop up
some ants, then crush them
through your fingers as you
sprinkle them on the ant
trail. In its early stages,
you can stop an ant trail
that way. But if you let it
go too long, the ant colony
seems to build up some sort of
institutional memory about the
trail, so they become
considerably more resistant to
abandoning the trail.

Another interesting fact is
that before abandoning a
trail, the ants will pick up
all the dead ant bodies and
take them away.

If the trail becomes too
well established, my nuclear
deterrent is Tilex bathroom
cleaner. That stuff destroys
ants better than any

This has nothing to do with chores, but swearing is a lot funnier over RSS feeds. It showed up in my reader as "Suck-ow-%%CONTENT%amp;*#. Suck-ow-%%CONTENT%amp;*#. Suck-ow-%%CONTENT%amp;*#". After I figure out how to pronounce this, I shall try to use the expression in day-to-day life.

That's easy! I love laundry. It's so easy! You just get a bunch of stuff of similar colors, put it in the thing, then put it in the other thing. And it's CLEAN! Just like that, a miracle! No banging clothes against rocks in a river, no scrubbing, nothing. Amazing.

Husband thinks I am insane for this, but is content to take advantage of the neurosis. :)

I don't know wheather Scott hasn't posted any comments or no one has submitted any. Everyone should submit a comment because everyone has a chore they love to do. If you say you don't, then you're lying.

Mine is cleaning serfaces such as tables or counters. Mostly I like to wipe them down. I get a kind of satisfaction out of it. Then, for some reason, I like to sit on the serface that I have cleaned. Clean enough to eat on? Try clean enough to sit on!

Another thing that I enjoy that I shouldn't is getting physicals at the doctor. Specifically, having my eyes checked. I think that is entirely inexplicable.

This reminds me of my post-Katrina living situation. After evacuating from New Orleans to Jackson, MS, my wife and I ended up in a nice house, shared with another couple, north of Baton Rouge, about 2 miles south of the Mississippi state line. When we first arrived, the owner asked, "Did they tell you about the lovebugs?" They hadn't. We found out what he was talking about our first night there. I mean, the place was overrun with swarms of lovebugs. We put masking tape around all the windows, but the lovebugs still found their way inside. Solution: Shopvac. Shopvaccing the lovebugs became an every-evening ritual. The job would usually take around 10-20 minutes for the two rooms my wife and I occupied in the house.

You actually enjoy cleaning out the cat litter box? You are more than welcome to take over that chore at my house. I would even give you an official title: Clump Removal Associate President, or C.R.A.P. for short.

I really enjoy bleaching the grout in the bathroom. I have one of those nifty bleach pens. And then there is something infinitly satisfying about getting soap scum of the tiles in the shower too.

Stepping on cockroaches.

Oh my, how interesting!
I hate all cleaning. But, I do have an ant tip--
If they're those little Argentinian ants, and if you tire of vacuuming them, get the liquid baits (I get them at Ace Hardware). The ants go crazy for the stuff, and then it kills them.

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