Anyone living in America the past fifteen years would think Republicans are gay hating bigots who can’t stand big government and love the idea of forcing democracy on other countries. Shockingly, it's not true. According to a new poll by a GOP consultant, many Republicans are actually for universal healthcare and gays in the military.

You’re whole fucking world just turned upside down!

The pollster, Tony Fabrizio, conducted a similar poll ten years ago. Republicans who consider themselves conservative have increased by sixteen percent. One in four used to be a Democrat and the party has increased in age. In 1997, 28 percent of Republicans were 55 or older, but the percentage has now increased to 41 percent. Fabrizio broke the Republicans down into seven groups.

-Bush hawks
-Moralists
-Government Knows Best Republicans
-Dennis Miller Republicans
-Fortress American Republicans
-Heartland Republicans
-Free Market Republicans

Surprisingly, the “Moralists” have not increased dramatically in recent years. Their slice of the party has only increased slightly to just under 25%.

But the amount of “Free-Market” and “Heartland Republicans” has decreased by a large amount. Those two groups made up nearly 50% of all Republicans 10 years ago and now their numbers have dropped to under 20%. Where did they go? Looks like they switched over to the nutjob, immigrant hating and war loving Republicans. The “Bush Hawks” and “Fortress America Republicans” have greatly increased their numbers. Certainly much of that is due to Republican leaders repeatedly trying to install fear in the population by using the war on terror and the immigrant issue.

The most surprising result of the poll by far is how many would support Rudy Giuliani. The “Moralists” were only group who are unsure of the former mayor, but even then the news was not all that bad for him.

McCain is totally fucked. In the center, Republicans prefer Giuliani and on the right they prefer one of several candidates over McCain. Put a fork in John. Seriously, stick a fork in him if you see him.

This doesn’t mean that most Republicans are not still idiots.

And that is the reason they will lose any election against a Democratic candidate. (Except Hillary) Republicans will vote for an Iraq war supporter and America is done with it.

Remember the movie, Independence Day? Aliens attacked the Earth but were eventually killed by Randy Quaid. (Which is pretty much how it would really happen.) During the film, the President learns that years ago an alien spacecraft had crashed and the UFO was still in the military’s possession. Well, it looks like Independence Day was based on fact. This, of course means that Wednesday we are going to be attacked by aliens.

Anyway, let’s recap some history. Sixty years ago in Roswell, New Mexico a UFO was reported to have crashed on a ranch. Headlines around the country reported that a “Flying Saucer Was Captured.” The military even issued a press release claiming they had possession of a disc. But the next day the military changed the story and said it was a weather balloon. It’s a pretty easy mistake to make.

But UFO enthusiasts just could not let it go. They had eyewitness descriptions of strange metal from the craft that was unlike anything else on Earth. They wouldn't let it go. Eventually, they became known as fun, harmless nutjobs who enjoyed conspiracy theories. They even got their own TV show, “The X-Files.” Roswell became the UFO capitol of the world.

But now, new information has come to light that UFO enthusiasts say proves their claims. The public relations officer who worked at the military base where the UFO was brought has died, but not before he left a sworn affidavit of the incident.

Lieutenant Walter Haut is the man responsible for issuing the original UFO and the second weather balloon press releases. According the affidavit, the first UFO press release was the truth.

Wow. UFO freaks are probably losing their minds right now, running around trying to find the “2nd site," desperately trying to prove to their Mothers that their life was somehow meaningful.

Until his death, Haut always stuck to the military cover story. But now he’s dead, so he is not worried about the Cigarette Man killing him. Either way, it’s just more information for UFO enthusiasts to go crazy over. Not that they needed it. In all probability a guy with a great sense of humor just pulled a fantastic joke on a bunch of people who were driving him crazy his entire life.

In the end, until we actually see a body or a piece of the wreckage, it is pretty meaningless. What we really need to be focused on today are witches attacking us from Mexico. Yes, I said witches.

This week there were some glorious assholes. Many of them were just members on our message boards, but they are not worthy of attention. So, I give you my Asshole Fuckfaces of the week.

First, up, the entire Catholic Church.

Okay, that may be a bit broad. How about just the crazy men who run the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church is against a bunch of fun stuff, like gay sex, preists having intercourse, birth control and premarital sex. And this week they came out in favor of “Chimeras.” What the fuck are chimeras? Good question. Human-animal hybrid embryos. And the Church is all for them.

Ah, ain’t that sweet? It is totally okay for a woman to raise a child that was fathered by a different species of animal, like a mouse. Did I mention that the Catholic Church is against using frozen embryos for stem cell research?

I do love interspecies lovin’. The Chinese kicked this nonsense off when they combined rabbit and human cells, which survived for a few days. The Mayo Clinic picked up the ball and last year made a piglet that had human blood. Next year Stanford hopes to make mice with human brains. Some people think there is an ethical dilemma.

Except the Catholic Church, who just want more babies to follow Jesus! Creepy fucks.

Next up, Mitt Romney, dog torturer.

This week, Romney got himself a little puff piece in the Boston Globe. It was meant to show how cool and collected he can be under pressure, but instead showed him to be a creepy weirdo. According to the article, Mitt used to strap the family dog to the top of a station wagon for family trips. Because, you know, you wouldn’t want the family dog to actually be riding with the family in the car. It would feel loved. That would be disgusting.

Wow. Way to coolly and calmly handle a “doggy so stressed out that it had diarrhea” situation. You should totally be president, Clark Griswald. That “emotion-free crisis management” kind of makes you seem like a psychopath. Oh, and you broke the law, fuckface.

Next on our list, The Democrats!

Not the entire party, just the ones in the Senate who rolled over like pussies two years ago and allowed Samuel Alito to become a Supreme Court Justice. They can cry all they want from here on out about the direction of the country but they laid down like a bunch of spineless fucks in what will go down as one of the most important times in our country. Alito is everything he was sold as and anyone with a brain knew weeks like this were coming.

This week the Crazy Conservative Court severely curbed local efforts to promote racial diversity in schools, curbed students' free speech rights, crippled Congress' ability to keep corporate money out of political advertising, made it almost impossible for women to prevail on claims of long term sex discrimination and overturned a 96 year old precedent to allow manufacturers to collude with retailers to set the minimum prices of products.

Yay, for religion and big business!

How can we have an Asshole Fuckface Roundup with George?

Our wonderful president and his legal counsel make this week’s list for desperately trying to cover up their own crimes. This week the White House claimed executive privilege and rejected subpoenas from Congress, who are seeking information about the US Attorney’s purge.

Yes, the White House made an amazingly “reasonable attempt at compromise.” Their idea of a compromise is to have Miers and Taylor come over for a closed-door chat with the Committee. Oh, and the Senators can’t write anything down.

Transcripts are so very convenient. They are meant to make sure people don’t lie and commit, what did he call it…”perjury.” I think if you are worried about a “perjury trap” then you are planning to “lie.” Fortunately for the White House, they can pull this kind of crap because nobody likes them. Nobody.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface list: iphone and Steve Jobs.

I would really like to get an iphone, but I would rather have my arm cut off than sign a contract with AT&T.; (I don’t know why those are the options either) Besides having the world’s worst customer service, AT&T; has been allowing the Bush administration to illegally wiretap phones.

Yes, get your iphone and allow the NSA to illegally record all of your phone calls and keep records of all your Internet activity, emails and IM chats.

There are no options other that AT&T;, the people who have been working with our own government spooks to set up massive, data-mining machines in AT&T; offices all over the country. So, enjoy your iphones while your support the company undermining you freedom! But you got a fun gadget!

Let’s say that you’re the President of a country that has, to put it mildly, a rather mixed public image around the world. When you campaigned for the job, you stressed economic prosperity and traditional religious values. After winning an election that many claim was rigged, you find that the job really isn’t as easy as you thought.

First off, you have a nasty habit of saying really stupid things that offend a whole lot of people around the world. People even call you a warmonger based on your foreign policy. Plus, your economy’s not doing so hot, and the disparity between the rich and the poor keeps increasing. Even though your country has some oil stored up and your government spends a shit-ton of money subsidizing gasoline production, you have to import a lot of gasoline to keep up with demand because damn do your citizens love their cars (and public transportation just ain’t what it could be.) You’re worried that this disparity might lead to budget woes and even another gas crisis.

So, what do you do?

Well, if you’re President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, you come up with the brilliant idea of introducing gasoline rationing that limits Iranian citizens to buying 3.5 liters of gasoline a day for their privately-owned vehicles. You decide to go ahead with this program before hundreds of thousands of Iranians have received the ration cards they now need to purchase gasoline. Oh, and you give everyone, including the police, gas station owners, and the car-owning public, only two hours notice before implementing the new restrictions.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Shortly after the rationing was announced, Iranians took to the streets in Tehran to protest. These protests, the first major ones since Ahmadinejad took office, turned violent as gas stations were vandalized and set on fire. Police attempting to quell the protests wound up being pelted with rocks by crowds chanting, “Guns, fireworks, tanks, Ahmadinejad should be killed.”

Yeah, I don’t get the fireworks part either. Maybe it sounds cooler in Farsi.

Iran’s government decided that the best response to these protests was to tell everyone to shut the fuck up, ordering the press not to publish negative stories about the gasoline rationing plan and turning off Tehran’s mobile phone text messaging network to try and prevent angry motorists from organizing more protests.

Some of you might be saying, “Wait, Iran? They have to ration gasoline in fucking Iran? Don’t they have so much oil they might as well make smoothies out of it?”

While Iran does have massive oil reserves, due to under-investment Iran lacks the ability to refine enough of that oil into gasoline to meet demand. So while Iran exports more than half of the oil it produces, they have to actually import about 40% of the gasoline they consume.

Making matters worse is that Iran has been heavily subsidizing the price of gasoline, which up until now was selling inside Iran for around 1/5th the price that it sells for in other countries in the region. This has led to both overconsumption and a lucrative black market as people can make a tidy profit smuggling cheap gasoline out of Iran.

Ahmadinejad and the Iranian Parliament claim this new rationing program will help prepare Iran to deal with possible future sanctions on gasoline imports that the UN or the US might impose to try and stop Iran from developing nuclear energy (or nuclear weapons, depending on who you listen to). However, Ahmadinejad has already been losing popularity amongst the same working-class Iranians who (theoretically) voted him into office, as his economic policies have failed to curb inflation and unemployment, or to bring about the equitable distribution of oil wealth he promised during his campaign. Many of Ahmadinejad’s supporters are already blaming his hard-line foreign policy stances with increasing U.S. sanctions and making the economy worse, and gasoline rationing is a true “fuck you” to those same supporters. Maybe John McCain won’t get to bomb Iran after all.

At least I’m happy that I don’t have to live with a President that breaks campaign promises and fucks things up by making poorly thought out decisions. I can’t imagine what that’s like.

Murphy, Texas is a small town 20 minutes outside of downtown Dallas. It’s a wealthy community with a population just over 11,000. But most importantly, it is a fantastic place to lure and trap pedophiles.

Dateline NBC has an incredible journalism series called, To Catch A Predator. The news show entices pedophiles online by posing as young teenagers, lures them to a location and lowers the boom – all on camera. Then reporter Chris Hansen asks the grown men how they could do such a thing. He talks in an almost friendly tone to milk the most out of these men, whose lives were ended just seconds before. Viewers at home can feel disgusted, righteous and afraid for their own children all at once. It really is the height of journalism and civilization.

Dateline chose Murphy for their latest installment. They contacted city manager Craig Sherwood, who approved of the operation. He made sure to keep it a secret from everyone, including the mayor and City Council. He may have even put on a “secret spy outfit,” but we can’t be sure.

The sting went down last November. Over 4 days, people who were posing as kids in chat rooms lured 24 men to a home in a Murphy neighborhood. Notice I wrote “people” and not “law enforcement officers.” NBC uses a group called Perverted Justice to pose as underage kids and lure the pedophiles. It is a clever name because it has three meanings: First, that the justice system favors the perverted criminals. Second, that they are catching perverts and third, that the group is mostly made up of retards.

Not all of the suspects who chatted with the posers showed up at the house. Some made the right choice and did not follow their sick impulses to molest kids. Clearly their names should be given to police and they should be arrested. Or, better yet, the Dateline television crew can show up at their house and confront them in front of their own wife and kids. That way the children can be scarred for life and the wife can be shamed into a never-ending depression.

This is exactly what happened to Louis Conradt, Jr. He had engaged in some naughty sex talk with a fake 13-year-old boy. Unfortunately, Louis was an assistant prosecutor in a nearby town and he immediately knew what was happening when he saw the reporter on his lawn. He promptly blew his brains out. In doing so, he totally fucked up an awesome interview. He apparently did not realize television comes first.

The suicide blew the sting. Now everyone in the town knew what was going on and they were not happy. For some reason, the local towns people were upset that Dateline NBC was luring pedophiles INTO their town from other locations. And the show did not pick the best house in the area.

Jesus, lighten up, hippies. There is nothing wrong with luring crackhead phedophiles close to an elementary school for a television show.

But after all that effort, the pedophiles will not be charged. Which means I can only call them, “dudes who talk about sex to kids and want to fuck them,” or DWTASTKAWTFT, for short. The district attorney says the DWTASTKAWTFTs won’t be charged because the cases were “tainted by the involvement of amateurs.”

Amateurs? What the fuck? They are experts from Perverted Justice and Hollywood! Plus, NBC has filmed six other episodes of To Catch A Predador. Six. They could write a book. Or make a TWO hour special.

The DA has no jurisdiction in 16 of the cases because the DWTASTKAWTFTs and the decoys were outside the county when they were in the chat rooms. The rest of the cases were dropped because both the police and NBC cannot guarantee the chat logs were authentic. It turns out that police usually handle Internet stings differently than TV shows.

This is exactly why the guys at Perverted Justice picked their name! Fuck! The DWTASTKAWTFTs win again!

In a final blow, Murphy gave city manager Craig Sherwood the boot for inviting the show to town. Good job, all around!

Yay, television!

Let this fact be known: The state of Oklahoma does not fuck around when it comes to the death penalty. This week Oklahoma executed 49-year-old Jimmy Dale Bland, who was a two-time killer. The US Supreme Court denied his final reprieve on Tuesday and they took him out at 6:19 pm. His lawyer had asked the Court to block his execution because he only had six months to live, but the state fought to kill him before he died. It was a race and we won!

Whatever, pussy.

Autry had warned that his veins had been “compromised” by the chemotherapy, which could lead to serious problems during the injection of the lethal chemicals. I mean, besides him dying, of course. The execution was scheduled for 6 pm, but he did not die until 6:19 pm.

Bland was not the best guy in the world. He first killed another human in 1975, when he murdered a soldier and kidnapped the soldier’s family. He was sentenced to 60 years but only did 20. He was out for just under a year before he killed again. This time Bland shot his employer in the back of the head in a dispute over money. He was sentenced to death, obviously.

Friends of the executed employer aren’t too upset that Bland was killed before he died.

So much for capital punishment being a crime deterrent. That sounds a bit like revenge. Opponents of killing people who are about to die believe the execution was cruel and unusual punishment.

How is there something unsettling about racing to kill a guy before he dies? That is totally how the justice system should work. The good news is that this is going to start to happen all the time.

Sweet. Old people are always getting cancer and other stuff that they try to die from. It’s a fucking race. And if we have to wheel a guy into the execution chamber instead of the ER, we will. It’s called justice.

Welcome to the third installment of Subrosa’s SCOTUS Interruptus, a quasi-weekly column dedicated to keeping the SuicideGirls.com community abreast (hey-o!) of the Court’s important decisions, argument schedule and whatever else is relevant for that particular week. As always, a record of the opinions published by the Court can be found on their website here.


Call it Black Monday for rationality. We’ve already discussed the positively moronic Morse v. Frederick case a bit. There, the Court ignored any notion of how far the “schoolhouse gate” referred to in prior student speech cases (most notably Tinker v. Des Moines.) While it was doing so, it asserted that it was somehow reasonable to assume that the phrase “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” was pro-illegal activity. Finally, it endorsed a lower standard of review for subject-matter regulation of speech, so long as that regulation has to do with keeping kids from talking about drugs. In other words, it was a total mess.

But that’s not all! Remember a few months ago when I wrote this about the oral arguments in F.E.C. v. Wisconsin Right to Life, Inc.?

Well, consider that hole blown open! Huzzah!

While I am certainly sympathetic to the idea of unfettered free speech rights, I would be much more excited about the Court’s ruling if I felt it was in any way supported by precedent or motivated by anything other than a judicial hard-on for the white-collar sector. After all, in the above two cases the Court basically said that the First Amendment protects corporations more than it does students. Solid.

Moving on, in Hein v. Freedom From Religion Foundation, Inc. the Court closed off an avenue that allowed individuals to challenge pro-religious government actions. Here, just as in Wisconsin Right to Life, the Court sidestepped precedent that should have led it to one conclusion and gleefully chose the other.

Prior Supreme Court cases had established that taxpayers could bring challenges in federal court if their money was being used to favor religious entities in violation of the Establishment Clause. But in Hein, the Court invented this distinction: Because the government act at issue here (President Bush’s Faith-Based Initiatives) originated in the Executive rather than Legislative Branch, the prior precedent doesn’t apply and Taxpayer standing doesn’t exist. Forget the fact that the money that Bush used to put into the programs was given to him by Congress. Once the money gets into Bush’s hands, it is magically transformed from tainted to pure. Like Jesus turning water to wine.

What’s striking about all of these decisions is not just that they are dumb. It’s that (in addition to the totally awesome opinion in National Association of Home Builders v. Defenders of Wildlife which weakened the power of the EPA to protect endangered species from having construction take place in their habitat) they were all decided on a 5-4 vote. And in every single one the so-called “swing” voter on the Court voted with the Conservative side.

This is not a new phenomenon. In fact, this has been happening with alarming regularity since the appointment of Justices Roberts and Alito.

For those of you who are visual learners, ScotusBlog did this somewhat creepy pictogram of the decisions. Look at how smug and powerful Justice Kennedy is. Winning all the time. He’s like the New York Yankees of the Supreme Court. Except he’s actually having a good year.

All jokes aside, liberals are not only not amused at the Court’s decided turn to the right, but they’re petrified for the future.

The case to which the article is referring is Meredith v. Jefferson County Board of Education, and the opinion could be delivered as early as today, the last day of the scheduled term.

Anyone want to bet what the decision and voting breakdown will be?

…Among the youth, that is. Or so they say, anyway.

Energy and idealism are wonderful things, aren’t they? It’s important to note however that this was a poll conducted in part by MTV. So respondents could have thought they were asking about “Dances From The Hood”, not whether “Democrats were good.” I’m sure it happens all the time.

Still, I know that you crazy kids in the 18-29 range are going to say. You’re gonna be all like “Yo! Da Young Onez alwayez be reppin’ the Demz since back in the day. Recognize.” Well, that’s true, uh… homeslices. The young have tended to favor Democrats over the past 50 years. But to pre-empt any of you from posting that idiotic Churchill quote, the preference for Democrats among the youth hasn’t always been so strong.

While this sort of issue polling must be encouraging for Democrats, its real utility in a non-election year is sure to be limited. On the other hand, I’m sure they’re causing the already-jittery folks on the right side of the aisle some pause, if for no other reason than it seems like the youth voters may be learning from their past mistakes.

In reading the source article, the above was the statistic that jumped out at me the most. I can only assume that the evolving presence of the internet and the near ubiquity of political commentary (even on titty websites!) that takes place on it* has at least some part to play in such a seismic shift in the numbers of young folks paying attention. Or it could just be people really really looking forward to getting W out of office. Regardless, increased participation amongst youth voters (and let’s be frank, it can’t get much worse) can only be a good thing for democracy, even if it’s a bad thing for Republicans.

*In other words, Subrosa is totally taking credit for this. All of it.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is a humorless dick who thinks non-sequiturs aren’t constitutionally protected. On Monday, Roberts led a 5-4 Supreme court decision about a banner reading “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” created and displayed by Alaskan high school senior Joseph Frederick as a prank during the 2002 Olympic torch passing ceremony. Roberts wrote the decision, which ruled that the banner wasn’t protected by the First Amendment.

There’s certainly a lot of justified worry about how this ruling affects student free speech – Frederick wasn't even on school property when he held the sign, but was still suspended from school. Just as troubling is how Frederick’s repeated explanation that the slogan was a harmless joke was rejected by the court.

But it's not plainly reasonable to interpret “bong hits 4 Jesus” as a promotion of illegal drug use. It’s a profound misunderstanding of how jokes work. The statement isn’t pro-bong hits or even pro-Jesus. It’s pro-nonsense.

Bong hits, for the purpose of the slogan, aren’t delicious mouthfuls of marijuana smoke slightly cooled by water or other liquids, but are things that are funny when followed by the phrase “4 Jesus.” Bong hits aren’t commonly associated with Jesus or Christianity, and therefore when you associate the two, it’s funny. There are other non Jesus-y things that could have taken the place of bong hits, and it isn’t an obscenity or a violent image, unlike other things that could have plugged that hole, like assfucking 4 Jesus or carjacking 4 Jesus.

The ruling only covers the ability of school administrators to govern student speech. However, the implications of the ruling could be vast. There are a lot of cryptic statements that could be interpreted as pro-drug messages – Afroman's probably quaking in his boots.

I’m not a big fan of writing about Ann Coulter. She is an angry, attention-seeking twunt. It is pretty obvious by her actions that she has some serious mental problems and will say anything to get attention. Basically, the poor girl is the Andrew Dice Clay of the this century.

Ordinarily I let the Platinum Viper's over-the-top, hateful comments pass by without giving her what she wants. But occasionally something happens and the Skinny Beast cannot be ignored. Today is one of those days.

The Floss Demon has a history of making disgusting comments about John Edwards. On November 20, 2003 she wrote an article about how Democrats use the death of loved ones for political gain. John Edwards had a son who died at the age of 16 and the Bony Creature couldn't resist.

Ha ha! Hilarious. His son died and not only does she accuse him of using it for political gain, she makes a joke. Good times! This year, the String Monster called Edwards a faggot at a conservative conference.



I’ll be the first to say that she is an amazing writer. It takes an extraordinary wit to call someone a faggot. I can only hope to achieve such heights.

A few of her columns in newspapers were pulled after the incident, but compared to Don Imus her punishment was a slap on the wrist. And the Emaciated Banshee had obviously learned her lesson, because two days ago she showed her remorse on Good Morning America.



Ha ha! Calling for the death of a man running for the President of the United States because he has a different ideology. Hilarious. Can the Bulimic Serpent do anything to get thrown off of television? Now she is wishing that an ex-Senator be killed in a terrorist attack. At what point does the media stop treating the Blonde Gollum like a serious political commentator?

Apparently John Edwards wife, Elizabeth had heard enough from the Anorexic Goblin. Today, the Scraggy Windigo (hitting the bottom) was on Chris Mathews and Elizabeth Edwards decided to phone in to say, “Enough.” Watch the Lanky Scylla (sorry) slowly shrink as Edwards brings up the comments about her dead son.



Nothing like getting called out on your own bullshit. Certainly no apology would ever come out of It’s mouth. You have to be incredibly self-loathing person to ever want this kind of hate heaped upon you. There will come a point where everyone ignores her, much as the world learned to ignore Morton Downey, Jr. and Andrew Dice Clay.

Remember way back in 2004, when everyone from Hunter S. Thompson to that annoying dude who fucked up “Kashmir” were urging Americans to vote?

Zoila Meyer, a single mother of four living in Adelanto, California, was one of over 122 million Americans who hopped on the representative democracy bandwagon that year. In fact, she took it a step further. Not only did she register to vote, she decided to run for Adelanto’s City Council, filing her candidacy papers only 10 days before the deadline.

She never expected to actually win a seat on the City Council, so in true American underdog tradition, Zolia wound up winning the election.

Her electoral victory must have surprised someone else as well, since shortly thereafter one of her family members went to the authorities and got to snitchin’.

Zolia, who was originally born in Cuba and had been living in the United States since the age of one, might not actually be a US citizen. She just assumed she was a citizen, as many people who have been living in the United States since before they could talk might tend to do. This meant that when she cast her vote in the 2004 election, she was actually committing a felony.

Facing criminal charges, Zolia resigned from the Adelanto City Council only 10 weeks after taking office. She then applied to become a naturalized citizen, and struck a deal with the government. In 2006, Zolia pled guilty to the misdemeanor charge of “fraudulent voting,” paid a fine, and got probation. The fine citizens of Adelanto were thus spared having such a flagrant lawbreaker in their city government. Well, until the mayor and his wife were busted for stealing $20 grand from Little League fundraisers. Classy!

Just when you thought that was the happy ending, earlier this year the INS decided that Zolia’s guilty plea was enough reason to deport her. So now after being arrested (again), Zolia faces a court hearing in July to see if the horrible crime of voting will get her kicked out into Canada. That is, if she’s not actually an American citizen. Apparently nobody really knows if she is one or not, due to the complexity of immigration laws. At least the INS got to handcuff her and make her post bail.

I feel safer already.

Aside from the Second Amendment, nothing gets NRA members harder than the gun laws in the Switzerland. The government actually wants their citizens to have guns! Guns are available to any law-abiding applicant! In half of Switzerland people can get licensed to carry concealed weapons! There are an estimated 1.5 millions guns in Swiss homes. It is like NRA gun nirvana.

Jesus, are you as rock hard as I am?

What the guntards never want to tell you is that while guns are in many homes in Switzerland they have always tightly regulated these things called “bullets.” Ammunition is pretty important if you want to use your gun. That fact hasn’t stopped the NRA freaks from hailing Switzerland as the promised land of guns and bullets. But you better rub out your NRA hard on as soon as you can because it’s all coming to an end.

Yeah, a historic boner kill. Those behind the ammunition ban aren’t finished yet, as they plan on introducing an initiative to ban all military weapons in homes. The gun control bill will create a national gun registry and ban the use of personal automatic weapons. Why? Because 300 deaths a year are the result of firearms in homes and 33% of all suicides. Many deaths are a result of domestic disputes.

So, basically, the Swiss decided that having 300 people a year die was a good reason for gun control. We have about 30,000 people die a year. We win. If the number of domestic deaths and suicides drops, what will the NRA say then?

In 1997 I was on a college tour and had to open a bank account in Michigan for business reasons. The bank account manager was a Christian, who had absolutely no problem mixing religion and business. I recall her telling me that the show Friends was horrible and disgusting. Although she had never seen the show, she had filed a complaint with the FCC. She pretty much freaked me out by the lemming-like life she was living.

Today those Christians are still at it, but now they are causing broadcasting companies to lose money. Big companies don’t like to lose money and they are fighting back in court, as well as shining a light on their opponent’s bullshit tactics.

Two weeks ago, broadcast companies won a decision in the US Court of Appeals that overturned the FCC’s policy to “penalize fleeting expletives.” Network executives believe the ruling will lead to the reversal of the fines the FCC handed out for the Janet Jackson titty-showing incident in 2004.

Why? Well, because of our crazy right-wing friends. It turns out nearly all complaints sent to the FCC come from one source: the Parents Television Council. In one specific case, the FCC hit CBS with a record indecency fine of $3.3 million.

Jesus. A sexual orgy. CBS is getting hardcore. When did all this boy-girl fucking and sucking go down? During the crazy hardcore sex show Without A Trace. Personally, I have never gotten through one episode of Without A Trace without rubbing one out. The show is crazy hot. I can say this because I have never actually seen the show – and neither have any of the people who complained to the FCC about it.

PTC is a complaint machine. On their website they have a list of the worst 10 shows on television, as well as the worst show of the week. It would take all of one minute for some lemming to file a complaint about a show they have never seen. In this day and age, it is to be expected. The problem lies with the FCC for accepting them as real and fining companies because of false complaints.

In December 2004, Mediaweek revealed that the PTC generated 99.9% of all indecency complaints to the FCC.

And these fuckers have gotten their way with our idiotic Congress. Last week Congress gave final approval to raise indecency fines from the current $32,500 to $325,000 for each infraction. The fines apply to each individual network station, not the network as a whole. One fine could seriously harm a network. Oh, and the PTC is lobbying for the same fines to be applied to Cable. If the Christians don't think they are going to get the shit kicked out of them by corporate lawyers, then they are in for a big surprise.

As a nation we are practically forcing Bush and Cheney to attack Iran because of our relentless dislike of the administration. If we liked them they might actually listen to us, but we don’t, so they won’t. Bush and Cheney both know that if they build up false reasons to attack Iran, then follow through; Bush will get a bump in the polls. That is how America works.

Currently all signs point to an attack on Iran. First of all, there is a man named Dick Cheney who seems to be completely insane. His idea of diplomacy is to find out where you live, drive over to your house and anally rape you. Harpers has given us a delightful list of conclusions Cheney has already reached regarding Iran.

The administration is currently preparing for a war with Iran. Right now the US has two carrier strike groups in the Persian Gulf. In a day or two they will be joined by a third carrier strike group, then next week, a fourth carrier strike group will arrive. Which means, in the Red Sea we will have…

Ah, the invasion of Iraq. How did that turn out?

As far as land preparations, no one knows. But we do know that before Rumsfeld (neo-con) left office, he developed bases in countries surrounding Iran. We can now attack Iran from every direction from "lilypads."

Next up, the hostages. Yes, the hostages. The US has been holding 5 Iranian diplomats hostage since January. They were invited into Iraq by the Iraqi government, and then the US stormed their compound and seized them. The Irbil five are said to be members of the elite Quds Force, an arm of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard. Recently Condoleezza Rice attempted to have the men released, but Cheney put a stop to her reasonable nonsense.

In response, neo-cons claim Iran began taking “hostages.” The information is not easy to find, unless you go to neo-con sites like The Heritage Foundation.

Neo-cons claim Iran has taken four hostages of dual citizenship, and possibly a fifth. The fifth hostage is a little murky because some believe the ex-FBI agent converted to Islam and moved to an island off Iran. Expect the “hostage crisis” to be ramped up on Fox News and in the pages of the Wall Street Journal.

Here is a video of Norman Podhoretz making the case for attacking Iran. Seem eerily familiar? The build up to Iraq, maybe?



Iran will also be labeled as the big problem in the Middle East. This will, of course, distract from the fact that the US is the biggest problem in the Middle East, with all of our invading and whatnot. Iran will be accused of stirring up animosity throughout the region and spreading their ideology. The fact that this is exactly what the US is doing will be largely ignored. The accusation that Iran is arming militias in Iraq and Afghanistan will be heard ad nauseam. How dare they get involved while their enemy attempts to secure the countries on their Eastern and Western borders! Overall, the case will be made that Iran is becoming too powerful in the Middle East, the place where the country resides – and we do not.

And don’t forget Iran’s nuclear program. Yawn. Of course Iran is pursuing nuclear energy. How else could they possibly stop the US from invading? Iraq was not pursuing nuclear weapons but the case was made that they were, meanwhile North Korea was pursuing nuclear weapons and was left alone. Not hard to figure out which path to follow if you are an enemy of the US. The international estimate of when Iran will get nuclear weapons is longer that the Cheney estimate. Who has a history of being correct when it comes to weapons of mass destruction? I’ll give you a hint: The correct party is not insane.

No one seems to ever talk about the fact that Iran will never use nuclear weapons. They would be immediately wiped off the map. It would be suicide and people in power are not big on suicide. The rulers of Iran, no matter how religious they are, are living a life of luxury and will not give it up anytime soon. Sanctions worked against Iraq and they will work against Iran as well. Oh, and Iran does not have a missile capable of reaching Europe or the US, which sort of diminishes the threat. But by the end of the year America should be scared shitless about Iran’s future nuclear attack on the most powerful country on the planet.

Enjoy the war!

There are an enormous amount of assholes in the world but only a few make the cut and land up on the FearTheReaper Asshole Fuckface Round Up. Here are this week’s winners:

Rudy Giuliani.

Since 2002, Rudy Giuliani has employed childhood friend Monsignor Alan Placa as a consultant at Giuliani Partners. The great thing about Placa is that he is an accused child molester. A grand jury report contains multiple victims describing how Place molested them. But Placa wasn’t done just diddling the kids; he also was “instrumental in the development of Diocesan policy in response to allegations of sexual abuse of children by priests." He is no longer allowed to perform priestly duties.

Exactly the type of guy you want working for you. Rudy has continued to employ Placa because he "believes Alan has been unjustly accused."

Others see it differently.

But, hey, Placa and Rudy were frat brothers together and you shouldn't break that kind of bond.

Sadly, Rudy will have to break the bond he has with the state chairman of his campaign for South Carolina. It seems Thomas Ravenel has been indicted on federal cocaine charges. He is accused of buying less than 500 grams of cocaine to share with other people in 2005. Revenel resigned from Rudy’s campaign, so Giuliani will have to find another drug dealer or child molester to run it for him. Good luck with the Christian vote! Next up….

George Bush.

George had a little get together at the White House yesterday. Bush held a Congressional picnic on the South Lawn so he could “thank the members of Congress and their families for serving the United States.” It was a Mardi Gras theme!

During the ceremony Bush invited the band leader of the New Orleans jazz band Kermit Ruffins and the Barbeque Swingers up to the podium for a little yuk yuk time. Kermit is a black man. Bush is a rich, white, frat guy. Here we go...

Ha ha! Hilarious! Get it? The black guy is the help. He gets to play music AND pick up garbage. Good stuff. Next up…

Cameron Diaz.

Cameron is on a little trip to Peru, during which she visited the Inca city of Machu Picchu in the Andes. Being incredibly fashionable, she wore an olive green messenger bag that had a big red star on the side and the words, “Serve the people,” printed in Chinese. It may be the most famous slogan of communist leader Mao Zedong.

Had Cameron picked up a book about Peru before she visited or maybe just glanced at a newspaper during the past couple of decades, she might have known that Peruvians were brutalized by a Maoist guerrilla insurgency from the ‘80s into the ‘90s. For years the Shining Path engaged in massacres, bombings and assassinations. 70,000 died.

But the bags look really cute when you’re “roughing it.” Try reading a book, you Hollywood dipshit. Next up…

Martin Luther King, Jr. Harbor Hospital in Los Angeles.

Yes, an entire hospital is an asshole fuckface! Martin Luther King, Jr. is the worst hospital in Los Angeles, maybe the world. It was built after the Watts riots to serve poor, minority communities in south LA. It has a horrendous history, plagued by many patient deaths due to poor nursing care. In the last few years LA country has dumped millions of dollars into the hospital in an effort to turn it around. It didn’t take!

Just ask Edith Isabel Rodriguez who went to the emergency room due to severe stomach pain. The staff was not happy to see her because it was her third visit to the ER.

That was not the kind of care Rodriguez was looking for. She collapsed to the floor, screaming in pain an started vomiting blood. Oh, my God! The nurses rushed to help, right? Nope. Surveillance videos show nurses walking past her as she writhes in pain. A janitor even cleaned up around her as she laid in her own blood. Her boyfriend, who had been gone for half an hour, returned to an ugly scene.

Her boyfriend begged for help from the staff and even a police sergeant. Nobody would help. Eventually he called 911, but considering Rodriquez was already at a hospital, nothing was done. Finally, the county police arrested her for a parole violation. They put her in a wheel chair and pushed her out of the hospital, but they had to do a quick u-turn because her heart had stopped. She died of a perforated bowel, a condition that is easily treated if caught in time. Catching it in time does not occur if you leave the patient bleeding on the floor.

In all probability the hospital will be closed.

Dick Cheney’s life is awesome. He gets to shoot people in the face, use false evidence to convince the president to going to war and his lesbian daughter just had a miracle baby. And now Dick is totally ignoring the rules of our Democracy and doing his own thing. The country of the Vice President has decided it is not “an entity of within the executive branch.” This means Cheney is exempted from government wide procedures for safeguarding classified national security information. What a lucky break!

President Bush issued an executive order, which requires federal agencies and White House offices to report to the National Archives on what steps they are taking to protect classified information. The National Archives are supposed to conduct inspections to make sure everyone is in compliance with the order. Except for Dick, who thinks he can do whatever he wants. Not since the trailer for The Transformers was released has something so horrible been done to our country.

The National Archive office attempted to schedule an inspection of Cheney’s office in 2004. The Vice President’s office completely ignored the request. In 2006, Cheney’s office claimed that Bush’s executive order

Uh, okay. Why is that? You get paid a salary by the American people and have the title of Vice President. That’s Vice President of America, not Vice President of the Vice President’s Office.

National Archives then sent two more letters, which were also ignored. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez was then contacted by the National Archives and asked to offer up his opinion on whether Cheney was covered by the executive order. Cheney then tried to get the President to change the executive order so his office would be exempt. He also tried to have the office within the National Archives that conducts the inspections completely eliminated. How dirty do you have to be to try to eliminate the office that oversees the protection of classified information?

Representative Henry Waxman, the chairman of the government oversight committee, is not pleased. Yesterday, Waxman released a series of letters sent from the Oversight Committee to Cheney. Waxman does not hold back.

He is, of course, talking about Valerie Plame. Cheney’s sudden refusal to allow the National Archives access to his office is coincidentally right when the outing of the CIA agent came to light. And we shouldn’t forget that Scooter Libby has been convicted of obstruction of justice during the Plame investigation.

He is a very, very dirty Dick. At some point, he will go down, whether it is while he is in office or when he gets out. But he is getting closer and closer to impeachment.

John Howard, the Prime Minister of Australia, announced today that the sale, possession, transportation and consumption of alcohol, as well as the possession of hardcore pornography, would be banned in Australia for at least six months.

He also said the federal government would take over the administrative duties of local communities so that this ban could be effectively enforced, including searching all public computers for pornographic images and restructuring welfare benefits so that those payments could not be spent on alcohol.

Oh wait, those bans only apply to Aborigines.

Fear not, tourists, those big-ass cans of Foster’s will still be there when you get off the plane, mate!

Howard’s decree comes in response to the recent release of a comprehensive governmental report on the sexual abuse of children in Aboriginal communities in Australia’s Northern Territories. This report described child sex abuse as “serious, widespread and often unreported” in Aboriginal communities, and said the root cause was the “breakdown Aboriginal culture and society.”

The report also pointed out that “Aboriginal people are not the only victims and not the only perpetrators of sexual abuse.” and that “most Aboriginal people are willing and committed to solving problems and helping their children. They are also eager to better educate themselves.”

The report then went on to recommend a “holistic” approach to addressing these issues, urging the Australian government to work with and help empower Aboriginal communities by improving education, housing, and family support services, while making it easier for victims to report incidents of sexual abuse. When discussing the problem of rampant alcohol abuse in Aboriginal communities, the report recommended the following:

As for pornography, the report suggested an educational campaign to limit the exposure of children to sexually explicit material as well as increasing awareness of Australia’s age of consent laws.

You may be wondering how any of those recommendations could be summed up as, “Please ignore the crushing poverty and unemployment and do nothing to improve education and social services while announcing a sweeping ban on alcohol and pornography that only applies to Aboriginal communities and not mixed-race communities nearby. As a bonus, even though the report includes numerous examples of white people sexually exploiting Aborigines, why not make it easier for white folks to enter Aboriginal land? Hey, while you’re at it, don’t bother to consult with any actual Aborigines, the people who drafted the report, or even the folks in the local government before you decide what to do. That’s bound to empower the shit out of those Aborgines!”

Well, to be fair, John Howard is kind of an asshole.

Apparently some Australians, including actual Aborigines, agree, as Howard’s response has been called an "outrageous authoritarian crackdown" and a “knee-jerk reaction.”

However, that knee-jerk reaction will soon have the force of law behind it. At least history is full of examples of alcohol prohibition working flawlessly and of there being no negative consequences when a white government enforces paternalistic policies on an indigenous non-white minority, right?

Right?

Skull and Bones is an elite Yale University society that was founded in 1832. At the time, it was based on secret student societies that were popular in Germany. Each year 15 students are selected to become members of the secret society, where it is said they learn a “commitment to each other, to the community and to public service.” They also apparently partake in weird rituals that border on being retarded.

Many powerful men are members of the Skull and Bones society, including presidents, cabinet officers, spies, Supreme Court justices and business leaders. Conspiracy theorists almost lost their minds during the 2004 presidential elections because both John Kerry and George W. Bush are members. George’s father, George H.W. Bush is a member, as was his father, Prescott Bush. It was Prescott Bush and two other bonesmen who are rumored to have stolen the bones of American Indian leader Geronimo and brought them to Yale, where they are stored in the Skull and Bones "tomb." (It's a fucking clubhouse)

Geronimo was an Apache leader who fought the United States government for over 25 years. He eventually surrendered in 1886. He died in 1909 of pneumonia and was buried in an Apache Indian POW cemetery at Fort Sill.

In 1918, Prescott Bush and two other bonesmen were serving as Army volunteers at Fort Sill during World War I. They dug up Geronimo's grave, took his skull, some bones and his silver bridle and brought the collection to the Yale campus. The skull is now supposed to be used in rituals, including their initiation, during which members kiss the skull. They seem to have forgotten that the skull used to belong to a person who has a family.

Harlyn would like to bring his grandfather’s skull back to Geronimo’s birthplace and bury it.

Or to put it another way: A warrior who fought bravely for his people had his bones dug up by rich white guys who now use his skull as a prop in their queer Harry Potter rituals. Time to stop acting like four-year-olds and let the hero have a proper burial.

Harlyn Geronimo even sent President Bush a letter last year asking for his help in getting back his grandpa’s skull. For some reason, Bush did not respond. John Fryar, a retired Bureau of Indian Affairs special agent in antiquities, has an interesting take on the stealing of the bones.

Pretty much. But I’m not giving up Charlie’s femur. I use it to initiate my cats into our, uh, society.

Harlyn Geronimo expects the fight to get his grandfather’s bones returned to be a long one but he’s going to stick it out.

In case you thought that diplomatic relations between Britain and Iran weren’t strained enough, the Queen of England has just awarded the OBE to controversial author Salman Rushdie.

In literary circles, Sir Salman Rushdie is probably best known for his award-winning 1981 novel Midnight’s Children. Oh, and that his current wife is really hot.

Amongst fans of setting effigies of famous authors ablaze, it’s his 1988 novel The Satanic Verses that tends to hog the spotlight. Back in 1989, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa condemning Rushdie to death for what Khomeini claimed was the book’s blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed. Rushdie apologized and then spent the next nine years in hiding, which seemed like an especially good idea even before the person who translated The Satanic Verses into Japanese was found stabbed to death.

In the 16 years since the fatwa against Rushdie, Iran has been sending mixed messages about how seriously it takes that whole “apostate worthy of death” thing. A 1999 comment from then-President Of Iran Mohammad Khatami declaring the fatwa to be ”completely finished” inspired Rushdie to come out of hiding, but since then members of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard have declared the same fatwa to be ”irrevocable”.

Apparently most of the folks who wanted to kill Rushdie just kinda forgot about him, until news of his impending knighthood inspired them to party like it’s 1989.

Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad Ali Hosseini said:

In an attempt to grab the “more Islamically radical than thou” trophy away from Iran, anti-Rushdie protests by Islamic hard-liners broke out in Islamabad and other Pakistani cities, with protestors burning both Rushdie and Queen Elizabeth II in effigy. It’s looking to be a banner year for the effigy industry! Pakistan’s Religious Affairs Minister Mohammed Ijaz ul-Haq then declared to the Pakistani Parliament:

Now that’s what I call irony!

A spokesman for the British Foreign and Commonwealth Office responded by saying Rushdie’s knighthood was “richly deserved” and the reasons for it were “self-explanatory”. I guess he’s a big Bridget Jones’ Diary fan or something.

So while English politicians and many Muslims around the globe play the ”No, you apologize!" game, Sir Salman Rushdie gets to hang out with other noted British knights, like Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Pot-Smoking Cricket Star. And hopefully not get killed.

I enjoy the show 24. I enjoy violence and things blowing up and torture. Mainly I enjoy those things on television because they are not real. If Jack Bauer was torturing and killing his own brother in my living room I would probably be very uncomfortable. I may even vomit. I strongly believe in my heart that Jack Bauer is not real and that no real human being could do the things Jack does.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, however, seems to think Jack Bauer is real. And he kind of has a man crush on Jack. Based on what happened in Canada this week, I think we can conclude that Scalia wants to be inside Jack Bauer, or more probably, wants Jack to be inside him, thrusting like an animal.

Scalia was at a legal conference in Ottawa during which a panel of judges was discussed torture and terrorism law. A Canadian judge made the mistake of saying this:

Well, you don’t talk about Scalia’s fantasy lover that way. Antonin lost his fucking mind.

Um, absolutes? Like Jack Bauer is absolutely not real? Like Antonin Scalia is an absolute nut job?

The Canadian judge who started the entire lunatic festival off with his slight comment has dealt with terrorists in his courtroom. He had a different opinion that Scalia.

Scalia was not down with that idea. I mean, Jesus, he has seen this shit go down ON TELEVISION. He knows counterterrorism agents should not be constrained by laws. Most of the judges in the room agreed that confessions made during torture carry little weight because they might be false and are almost never accepted into evidence. But Scalia was not talking about the court, he was talking about being out on the streets, taking down the bad guys with minutes to spare. He wants agents to have the freedom to get the job done and thwart attacks.

Um. Okay. You’re a Supreme Court Justice, huh? I feel good about the direction of our country right now. But season 2 was one of the best seasons, so he’s not all that wrong.