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Born gay? No Way!

Richard Cohen

Published 20 July 2007

Cohen says he is living-proof that homosexuality is a choice, and one that can be reversed

“Born gay? No way.” That’s what I said to the therapist who tried to convince me that I was born with the homosexual feelings I so deeply wanted to overcome. I experienced unwanted same-sex attractions (SSA) since I was in grade school. In middle school and high school those desires intensified. As my male friends became increasingly interested in girls, I became increasingly interested in them. In my undergraduate years of college, I had a male partner for three years. But, with all my heart, I wanted to marry a woman and have a family.

Fast forward to today. My wife and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. Our three children created a beautiful celebration. Our oldest son is in medical school, our daughter is a high school English teacher, and our youngest son is in the seventh grade. It was a monumental moment for our family.

So how did I finally fulfill my dream to marry and create a loving family? I searched long and hard to find those who could help me understand the meaning of my homosexual feelings. “Born gay?” I knew in my gut that was not true, at least not for me. I learned there were several contributing factors which led to my unwanted SSA: 1) I had quite a sensitive temperament which led me to experience people and situations very deeply; 2) my dad and I didn’t connect, our characters were so different; 3) my mom and I were too close, our characters were very similar; 4) my older brother was deeply hurt by our dad and took his pain out on me; and 5) a friend of the family sexually abused me when I was five years old. When I worked through the pain of each relationship and grieved the losses of my past, literally, my unwanted SSA left my body and soul. It took quite a long time, and today I am living my dream.

After coming out straight, I went back to graduate school and obtained a master’s degree in psychology. In 1990, I founded the International Healing Foundation and began my counseling practice, helping SSA men and women fulfill their heterosexual potential. For seventeen years, I assisted hundreds of men and women fulfill their dreams—many are now married with children. In my book Coming Out Straight, I detail the process of transformation—how people may change from gay to straight. I have also helped hundreds of family members whose loved ones experience SSA. For them I wrote Gay Children, Straight Parents. In this book I describe a beautiful 12-stage protocol to create greater intimacy with their SSA loved ones. Both books are filled with wonderful stories of healing and transformation.

I am pro-choice regarding homosexuality. If someone wants to live a gay life, that needs to be respected. If someone wants to change and come out straight, that too needs to be respected. Let us practice true tolerance, real diversity, and equality for all.

Today, I am living my dream. I help others do the same. I know that people are not born “gay,” because of my personal and professional journey. Change is possible!

In November, I will facilitate a seminar in Belfast, Northern Ireland for those who counsel or coach men and women with unwanted SSA. If you would like information, contact abeo@hotmail.co.uk.

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40 comments from readers

report this comment Brixtonian
20 July 2007

The medical and scientific consensus is that reparative therapy is potentially harmful and that there is no evidence that it is effective.No mainstream medical organization endorses reparative therapy.

These organizations include the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Counseling Association, the National Association of Social Workers, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Association of School Administrators, the American Federation of Teachers, the National Association of School Psychologists, and the National Education Association. The ethics guidelines of these organizations discourage, and sometimes prohibit, its practice.

Source : Wikipedia

report this comment worcsdave
20 July 2007

What this article doesn't address is why having sexual attraction to someone of the same gender is seen as problematic. However, the answer seems to be found in the pride that the author so obviously feels in attaining the heterosexual dream (wife, kids in college, etc;). The society we live in has deeply held, and largely unconscious, beliefs about 'the way things should be'. We are all raised according to these beliefs and it can be very distressing to think that you may not be able to fit the mould. As it is highly unlikely that society will ever fundamentally change the way it thinks 'things should be', there will always be people who have sexual attractions towards members of the same gender who will be prepared to jump through however many hoops they think it takes in order to conform. Having a conservative personality probably wouldn't help; someone who is naturally more bohemian probably wouldn't give a damn anyway!

report this comment Nazim
20 July 2007

Maybe the guy was bisexual in the first place and not gay.

It's either that or it is brainwashing.

report this comment goodasyou
20 July 2007

- Richard is part of the Unification Church, whose leader, Sun Myung Moon, is on record as saying some of the most disturbing things about gays to ever be recorded. His wife also comes from that same religion.

- After his oldest two children were born, Richard, by his own admission, engaged in a three year relationship with a man.

- In 2003, he was permanently expelled from the American Counseling Association for six violations of its ethics code. He is now unlicensed.

- His methods have been decried by even staunch "ex-gay" advocates like PFOX, and NARTH.

- Exodus International has issued a position statement distancing themselves from him.

- And there is of course the obvious, which is that neither Richard's nor any "ex-gay" methods are supported by any mainstream physical or mental health organization

http://www.goodasyou.org/good_as_you/2007/07/video-coming-ou.html

report this comment realman
20 July 2007

Please read the Media page on the web site of the International Healing Foundation for clarification about these spurious allegations: www.ComingOutStraight.com.The above comments are false and misleading. Richard Cohen is not part of the Unification Church. He left that church over 12 years ago. The American Counseling Assoc. removed him from their non-licensing organization because they are against helping people change from gay to straight. Cohen was the victim of prejudice and discrimination. It seems that the above person is threatened by the opportunity of changing one's sexual orientation. Cohen, on the other hand, practices true tolerance, respecting the individual's right of self-determination.

report this comment lycrates
20 July 2007

Richard Cohens comments are very dangerous to many families whos sons and daughters are gay. Cohen is not gay > he is bisexual> his comments can make families think that sexual orientations is changable and blame their children for the fact that they cannot change. It is a horrible anti-family position. People like that sould be ashamed of making such ignorant comments.

report this comment GrantLV
20 July 2007

Every sheep farmer knows that 8-10% of all sheep are gay. What made them gay? A distant father, too close to their mother? Obviously when homosexuality has been scientifically observed in over 150 species, and well documented in 50, something genetic is going on here. Yes we ARE born with it, and as one of the leaders of the Baptist church pointed out, they will eventually prove it.

report this comment Douglas Chalmers
20 July 2007

Yet another stupidly narrow pseudo-idealistic "I'm clean" story from the USA (what'd'ya know, it can only happen in the uSA!). "Either/or" is not a rational choice - it is a contrived trap for the naive. Nor is sexuality the sum total of one's being. We all have varying degrees of IQ and EQ and SQ (spiritual quotient) and so we should tolerate and accomodate the inevitable variety ......or join a fundamentalist religion ....as they often do in the uSA!

report this comment Anna
20 July 2007

Any therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist who is accredited would tell you that the five numbered reasons above are more likely to have encouraged Richard Cohen to deny his homosexuality than create it.

report this comment A father and grandfather
20 July 2007

First, I would like to congratulate the New Statesman on the courage to post this article. It offers an insight so rarely seen in mainstream media.

Second, I found it offensive to read the scurrilous personal attacks directed toward Mr. Cohen that were posted (for example the number of directed attacks in "goodasyou" or suggesting that he is ignorant as does "lycrates" when the article states his honest and heartfelt personal experience and simply explains what worked for him. It amazes me how diversity of opinion is not tolerated when people like Mr. Cohen provide a testimonial. He is speaking of his personal experience and seeks an honest airing of opinion about his accomplishments in changing sexual orientation. Healthy debate is good but lies and personal attacks such as alleging that he takes an anti-family position (nothing can be further from the truth) or attempts by opponents to explain away his valid personal experience (for example, suggesting he is bisexual) does not add to the sum of knowledge.

So, once again, I thank you for this article.

Sincerely,

a father and a grandfather

report this comment mburkel
20 July 2007

'Cohen says he is living-proof that homosexuality is a choice, and one that can be reversed'

This does not follow logically:

A: Richard Cohen is a homosexual.

B: Richard Cohen can change to a hetrosexual.

C: Therefore all homosexuals can change to hetrosexual.

The most we can say is that SOME homosexuals can change to hetrosexual, and that the collection of SOME may only contain Richard Cohen.

So really we're talking about Richard Cohen can change and frankly I could care less.

report this comment realman
20 July 2007

The homosexual movement promotes: born gay and cannot change. This is not scientifically founded. Research shows there are many causes to same-sex attractions. Cohen life and practice demonstrates that one can change their orientation if they so desire. Amen for the right of self-determination and the possiblity of change for those brave enough to follow the path less traveled.

report this comment Janus
20 July 2007

Thank you New Statesman for an article sure to get a debate going. Anything that makes us think can strengthen us.

Mr Cohen describes himself as "pro-choice" going on to say, "Let us practice true tolerance, real diversity, and equality for all."...surely that is a good thing. I come from a society where over 3000 people have died because of a lack of tolerance (N.Ireland) and sadly the attitudes toward those who are in a minority because of their sexuality, makes us targets too. This is wrong!

No person is their sexuality, I am a whole people and deserve to be seen as such. I am not trying to make everyone the same as me. I just want to be me and accepted as such.

Human sexuality is a really complex thing to understand. In genetic terms it is a complex trait with possibly genetic elements and multiple environmental elements. There is no simple 'straight gene' or 'gay gene', but rather a complex interaction. The finished phenotype of sexual orientation is an expression of the interaction between gene and environment and is in answer to a need (or collection of needs). Sexuality (sexual phenotype) is an adaptation to meet those needs, so trying to make it set in stone or immutable is nonsense. Science doesn't say sexuality is fixed! Look at the human genome project.

A phenotype doesn't need to be fixed to mean that bigoted attitudes towards members of that group are wrong. To prejudice your opinion of me simply because I belong to a minority (on the basis of my sexuality) is as wrong as saying you will hate all people who like football and only accept those who play rugby.

Many of you are already labeling me for what I have expressed so far. I am in a minority, but I am not 'gay' I am someone who has journeyed from 'gay' to 'straight' if you need labels... BUT more importantly I am ME. I do not choose to identify myself by my sexuality, nor do I need to make others change to my chosen expression. I DO EXIST... and people like Richard Cohen have helped me to journey from somewhere where I was not happy to a happy family life now with two beautiful kids. They exist and I want them to grow up seeing the value in people that sees beyond the labels.

So I too am pro-choice... thank you Mr Cohen and may you bring tolerance with you to Northern Ireland. Shalom.

report this comment mburkel
20 July 2007

realman (screen name to prove you're not a pseudo man?) you seem to be missing the point that Cohen's supposed conversion only 'demonstrates' that HE can change (considering his picture it should help his dating chances). So if I can touch my nose with my tongue then you can too? Amen to the right to be true to yourself and to live a fufilling life.

report this comment jdilbone
20 July 2007

Thank you Mr. Cohen for having the courage to share your story. I've witnessed this same reorientation in other people I know and they are much happier for it. This should be liberating for others struggling with their sexual identity to know they do have a choice. Why are gay rights activists so threatened by this possibility? They're desparate for acceptance, but slander others for having a different view point. Conformity to any lifestyle should be voluntary, not because someone said you're born that way.

report this comment goodasyou
20 July 2007

Realman: The ACA violations are far more egregious than you are making them seem! You can see a copy of the expulsion letter here:

http://www.ralliance.org/acaletter.gif

And an analysis of the violations here:

http://www.waynebesen.com/2005/01/pfox-leader-richard-cohen-expelled_25.html

As for Cohen (you?) leaving the Unification church, I was unaware of that fact, so I'm sorry for that. Though by Cohen's (your?) own admission, his marriage was arranged by the church.

As for the bullet points I cited, please, by all means, tell me where they are wrong and I will respond. I am not at all "threatened" by change, I just happen to understand the negative effects the "ex-gay" movement has had on lives.

report this comment mattrett
20 July 2007

I think what is more likely is that being gay is from nature but that the deep self-loathing some people feel regarding their homosexuality is what comes from nurture. http://www.boyculture.typepad.com

report this comment goodasyou
20 July 2007

I do also want to address those who feel that by pointing out facts about Mr. Cohen, we gays are somehow attacking his own right to "self-determination" or orientation. This could not be further from the case! What the "ex-gay" movement has quite cleverly done over the years is foster the illusion that they are the ones under attack. This despite the fact that they spend so much of their life attacking homosexuality using an almost always faith-based line of thinking that is not accepted by any credible mental or physical health organization! They have propagated the idea that anyone who is against them is using a "liberal agenda," rather than just a fact-based one.

My earlier bullet points were classified by another commenter as "scurrilous personal attacks." Well, this is only the case if you find the Unification Church, Mr. Cohen's own revelation (to WaPo) that he had a 3 year relationship with a man after he was married, the fact that he was expelled from the ACA, the fact that his own "ex-gay" team has spoken out against his practices, and the nature of current scientific research to be offensive. Otherwise, it is just a simple stating of information that is quite pertinent to this situation! After all, he does make a living telling people that he has the key to "curing" homosexuality. It's in everyone's best interest (especially Mr. Cohen's clients) to carefully scrutinize his claims.

report this comment Timothy
20 July 2007

For more about Richard and his wacky methods see this CNN report

report this comment Timothy
20 July 2007

Ooops here's the link.

http://mediamatters.org/items/200605250011

And here he is on Jimmy Kimmel... Don't miss George Foreman's response

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOTYFXZb_rE

report this comment Janus
21 July 2007

why not let the man speak for himself. Check out the link below...

http://www.gaytostraight.org/

report this comment demonax
21 July 2007

When will the NS stop pussyfooting and get Sung Myun Moon to give his take. Why have the monkey when you could get the organ-grinder?

report this comment TallDavid
21 July 2007

There is a bigger issue here which no-one, except WorcsDave, is addressing and that is: What is wrong with homo sex?

The dominant idea on here is that Hetero is good, Homo is bad. And that you're graciously 'tolerating' us being deviant!

Folks this isn't good enough. Gays and Bi-sexuals aren't here to beg for your "tolerance", because your oh-so-graciously awarded tolerance can be taken away again just as easily as you've given it to us. It has to be stated in strong terms that Homo sex is just as natural as hetero sex and has existed in all human cultures, all human societies, and exists in most animal species.

I don't want your 'tolerance' I want full acceptance for all homosexual behaviour. No black person would accept your "tolerance" for being black, so why should I accept it for my homosexuality?

Sidelining the debate into arguments about gay genes and whether I was born gay/straight or not etc is not dealing with the main issue.

I would suggest the reason for this is that we're all living amidst the rubble of religious ways of thinking. Get this religious anti-gay nonsense out of your heads, then we can have a serious discussion.

report this comment bj-moore
21 July 2007

Richard, you blame your father, mother, brother, and a a friend of the family. Since you think being gay is a choice, I guess that means you chose those dysfunctional relationships. As far as you having a "sensitive temperament which led me to experience people and situations very deeply", was that nature also a choice, or were you BORN that way?

report this comment itzallan
21 July 2007

Another homosexual “turned” heterosexual. Why is it that whenever this happens, the common, unquestionable assumption is that it proves all homosexual people can turn into “normal” (heterosexual) people? That logic is right up there with thinking that just because a parrot can be trained to talk, all birds can be trained to talk. Not that this comes to any surprise for most people, but there are people who have sexual attraction to people of the same sex, people who have sexual attraction to people of the opposite sex, and people who have the best of both worlds --you know, those “confused” bisexuals that NOBODY understands (inject humor here). If you naturally have an attraction to people of both genders and decide to only lean toward your heterosexual attraction, then great, but don’t make such a big deal about it like it’s some kind of earth-shattering miracle that contains some universal, divine truth. Or if you read or hear about someone who has done this, don’t be an idiot and assume that this proves all people with a homosexual orientation can “convert over from the dark side”; you’re better than that. Quite frankly (and unfortunately), the only real perversion and sickness about homosexuality is the prevailing negative misunderstanding about it which causes untold suffering among countless people who are struggling to maintain a sense of self-worth and acceptance.

report this comment oceansidelover
22 July 2007

There are many who are unwilling to accept their Same Sex Attraction & these words are life-giving. What a source of encouragement to us all!

report this comment oceansidelover
22 July 2007

Thanks for saving our lives! There are many who are unwilling to accept their Same Sex Attractions. These words are life-giving to us.

report this comment DrBehavior
22 July 2007

Congratulations to Mr. Cohen for having devised a money-making scheme out of his purported metamorphosis from homosexuality to heterosexuality. If only he would now illumine us as to how he plans on making a living once this charade has dissipated - and dissipate it will after his next M/M interlude. This is, afterall, 2007 an age of science and an age of supposed reason and, yet, here we debate the reasonableness of a change in sexual orientation through talk therapy as if such a thing were even remotely possible. I'm afraid Mr. Cohen wins his argument and, as said, pays his way, simply by 'hooking' us who, were the topic less emotional, know much better how to separate real facts from Cohen's friction.

report this comment sally.n.
23 July 2007

What a wonderful article! It makes me happy to see that those who want to change to heterosexuality have that possibility open to them. Too many people are living unhappily as homosexuals; I believe it is for them that Cohen wrote this article. Also, I'm glad to see that Cohen doesn't degrade those who want to remain in the gay lifestyle - it shows that he isn't out to "change" everyone. Great article.

report this comment TallDavid
23 July 2007

To Sally.n

thanks for your comments. Nice to see that bigotry still can hide behind a smiling face, with nasty opionions portrayed Oh So Reasonably. If you really don't get it let me re-arrange the wording slightly.

Thus: It makes me happy to see that those who want to change to homosexuality have that possibility open to them. Too many people are living unhappily as heterosexuals. I believe it is for them that you wrote this response. Also, I'm glad to see that you don't degrade those who want to remain in the straight lifestyle - it shows that he isn't out to "change" everyone. Great response.

report this comment BillN
23 July 2007

I think the opposition between homo and hetero is social construct. Human, as animal, behaviour in the arena of sexuality exists along a spectrum that does not fit into a neat opposition with bi to soak up all the fuzziness.

Personally I like the ancient Greek practice, men married but commonly had male lovers. I think many people would swing both ways if repressive victorian/religous morality was not so ingrained in our cultural programming.

I do find it repugnant for people to say how glad they are for those who have been troubled by their sexuality to be offered a therapy. People are only troubled by their sexuality because social attitudes stigmatise them, so we stigmatise people then celebrate the joy of their salvation - its sick.

report this comment DrLMA
25 July 2007

This is so disheartening. Truly sad. All that needs to be read and remembered by the general public is "AT LEAST FOR ME." That is precisely it. Articles like this are damaging and move us AWAY from social justice.

report this comment martinluther
26 July 2007

Ooooooh.... hasnt the "pro you're born gay" lobbyists got it's nickers in a twist? Perhaps some are born, some are made and some want to change back. Choice only works one way then?

Handbags at dawn, anyone?

report this comment quicumque
26 July 2007

This is argument is tediously polarised.

As a few posters have already pointed out, the fact that one person claims to have changed, and may indeed in fact have changed, doesn't necessarily mean that everyone or even a small minority can change. At best, it proves that one man believes he changed.

But it is also the case that some people who began assuming they were straight have later decided that they were gay. This does not generally throw the straight world into a tiz, and as a gay man, I'm not going to get unduly bothered by the possibility that some people have switched in the other direction. In fact I've known a couple of people of both kinds.

As far as I can see sexual orientation is immensely complicated and caused by multiple and varying combinations of factors - genetic, neurological, hormonal, environmental, psychological,-- in different people. In other words two gay people may be gay for different combinations of reasons and gay in different ways. In some like me it's as fixed as fixed can be. I'd be right of the meter at the gay end of the scale. In other people I've known -- a lot of them women -- it's been more complicated and fluid than that. All this is anecdotal and I'm not claiming it's any more than that.

The one respect in which people like Cohen make me nervous is the damaging role they may play, even unwittingly, in damaging young people who are under immense familial and social pressure to change, and want to conform, but can't. I've met old men who were subjected to electric shock treatment by respectable members of the medical establishment during the 1950s. The new "therapies" may not be as physically brutal, but because of the risks of psychological damage that they pose to young people, they have to be submitted to calm but exactling scrutiny from the medical and scientific community and even *gasp* the "gay lobby."

report this comment pierrelys
30 July 2007

This article correspond to my experience as a young European man who has never had the chance to meet a so-called reorientation therapist. I have never felt confortable with same sex attraction, not because they were morally wrong, but because I felt they were the expression of a wrong-me! As soon as I started reading books about tue issue and dealing with the issues mentioned by Richard Cohen, I discovered who I really was, and this was the greatest and nicest healing experience in my life. Thank you Richard for giving many people the support they really need.

report this comment john33370
31 July 2007

Ex-gay is such a deceiving term. It should really be non-practicing gay. Most ex-gay leads like Alan Chambers the president of Exodus still admits that he is attracted to me, but chooses not to 'act' on those attractions and emotions. In other words....HE IS STILL GAY!!! While I think that for some people change might be possible, but for others of us who are Born Again and have prayed for years and years going through therapy, to end up back at square 1 the 'change' is basically unreachable.

I've tried for 20 years and still can not get aroused by being with a women. And believe me I've tried.

report this comment SPoonermen
31 July 2007

Ummm im pretty sure your just gay. Heres my number 1-800 ACCEPT IT !

Peace

report this comment goodasyou
31 July 2007

MartinLuther: It's very short-sighted to accuse people of having their "knickers in a twist" because they feel a need to respond to folks like Mr. Cohen. The reality is that those of us who follow the "ex-gay" movement and understand its ins-and-outs know what these proponents and not telling you. This is not a movement that is designed to encourage tolerance for all people. It is a divisive movement that makes the world far more discriminatory towards gays.

report this comment mmcdvs
01 August 2007

What is the New Statesman doing publishing this nonsense?

I look forward to "White People Are Superior" by Nick Griffin (BNP), "women should return to their rightful place: the kitchen" by A. Chauvinist, and "The Earth really is flat" by the Vatican Council in next week's issue.

and of course, this article comes straight after the 'gay issue' of NS - I for one will stop buying a magazine that provides space for this sort of damaging rubbish.

report this comment carousel
08 September 2007

I have travelled and lived all over the world and I have noticed that in countries where there is a predominately matriarchal society such as Thailand, Philippines there is a higher instance of gay men wheras in countries with a patriarchal society Russia, Kazakhstan there are far fewer instances of homosexual behaviour. Around the turn of the last century when this country was much more male oriented and women were less influential than today there was a much lower rate of homesexual behaviour, now that women have become a more dominant force in our society there is far greater instance of homesexual behaviour, coincidence? In virtually every instance of homosexuality the person has a much greater bond with the mother (who is usually the dominant partner) than with the father. In instances where the father takes the dominant role and actively encourages the son to take part in manly roles such as sport, fishing and various other physical activities etc there is no evidence of homosexual behaviour. No one is born gay to even suggest this is absurd. The sad and simple fact is that the family unit has been eroded over time and simply accepting gays as 'normal' only helps to perpetuate this trend. Countries that have a more clearly defined male dominant society are generally stronger and more cohesive. Also to further outline the absurdity of the 'born gay' argument if you can be born homosexual then you can be born homophobic!

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About the writer

Psychotherapist Richard Cohen is a leading expert in the field of sexual reorientation and the author of Coming Out Straight and Gay Children, Straight Parents. He is the director of the International Healing Foundation, located in the Washington, DC area.

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