Christmas Break

Yea, ok, I know our posting has come to a screeching halt this week so I'm just going say we're taking some time off Christmas Break. I'm working too much right now to make my yearly billable hours quota, Mustafa is in the same boat and has lost his home internet connection, so with the holidays coming up and no one really working & reading the blogosphere as much, we're just gonna take a break.

Its possible we could post, i'm not ruling that out, in fact it is probable, just don't expect our normal output until the new year. Happy Holidays peoples.

Houston Rockets Holiday Special

The Houston Rockets got together last year to try to wish everyone a merry Christmas with their own rendition of the song "12 days of Christmas"...hilarity ensued. My only wish is that Dikembe just should have been used more.

Video of Joe Namath Graduating

Everyone knows that Joe Namath finally completed college yesterday when he walked at Alabama's graduation ceremony. Well, if ya missed it on tv last night. Here it is. Broadway Joe gets quite an ovation. Yes, it is a slow news week for the Deuce. Leave us alone, its holiday time and we're mad busy. I like the end of the video where he's taking pictures, we know he's not drunk b/c he's not hitting on the fattie next to him.

Raw video: Joe Namath graduates college

Brilliant Crime Spree Foiled

Sometimes when news is slow, we have to post things that are tangentially related to sports...such as this. In New York City, Filroy Warner, professional con man, spent the last year getting free therapeutic sports massages while claiming he was an athlete who had a "groin injury". He got the massages for free because he paid for them with fake credit cards, he didn't stop there. He also grabed as much cash, jewelry and belongings as he can, and once even sexually assaulted one of his masseuses. Filroy had this brilliant scheme going for a year, but as most criminals are apt to do, he got greedy and on his 7th attempt at the EXACT SAME CRIME, in the EXACT SAME CITY, he was busted in an NYPD sting.

Now, no one ever said sexual assault is funny (unless you count the guys at MBSR), but that is one hell of a brilliant way to commit a robbery, Filroy just dipped his pen in the well too many times. The only way a genius idea like this could even be created is if he were high as shit too. It had to be like, "Yo, yo, yo man, i got this idea, son. See these fake ass credit cards here, son? What if i said i was Jordan, aight, and I needed my dong rubbed down because i pulled it yo', and I used these muthafuckin cards to get that junk for free yo'? Dawg I bet I could steal all dat cash in dat piece too!"

Oh to be a fly on that wall...and how great a name is Filroy for Christ's sake?

From: NY Post

Ravens Fan Left Out In The Cold

Ronnie Stack, aka "The Goof on the Roof", will not leave the roof of the Canton Station bar until the Ravens win another game. Baltimore is on an 8 game losing streak, with their most current loss to the previously winless Miami Dolphins bringing shame to all the Baltimore faithful.

The goof is up there all day and night, except for 1 hour a day where he attends to "personal" things. Luckily, the goof isn't totally stupid and he will not be on the roof all winter if the Ravens do not win their last 2 games. He says he'll come down in the offseason and be back up there next season until the Ravens win again. Go'wan hun! Don't wanna miss yawr jumboooos!

This is another in a long line of protests for Baltimore sports as the Sun points out:

His rooftop Hail Mary was inspired by a bartender who in 1991 climbed atop the roof of a Dundalk club to protest bickering between Orioles owner Eli Jacobs and then Gov. William Donald Schaefer over the name of the baseball stadium. The man stayed up there for 23 days. And though it didn't involve a roof, in 1988 disc jockey Bob Rivers broadcast for 11 days straight to coax the Orioles from a demoralizing record losing streak.

Our own Mustafa Redonkulous was on a roof yesterday as well, only he was going to throw himself off instead of staying up there. Fortunately for him, he choked as bad as the Ravens did, brokedown like the Ravens secondary and cried as we, his friends, carried him whimpering away. A sad sight indeed.

Photo shamlessly ripped from The Baltimore Sun

Fantasy Sports Have Gone Too Far

The largest payout in fantasy sports history has just been offered and it is not for the sport you think. As you can probably guess from the bosomy lady above, this payout isn't for fantasy football...it is for Fantasy Fishing. FLW Fantasy Fishing is paying out over $1.7 million in cash and prizes (boats, cars, trucks, ATVs, personal watercrafts, gift cards and more) during the Wal-Mart FLW Tour which includes a guaranteed $1 million cash grand prize to the winning fantasy fishing team.

So for your chance at the millions, you have to create and rank your own pro angler team of 10 anglers you think will place the highest in the each of the 7 FLW Tour events. The lucky fella who earns the most cumulative points over the seven events wins a cool 1 million bucks.

“Fantasy sports history will be made,” said Irwin Jacobs, chairman of FLW Outdoors. “Anyone could win and become the first-ever fantasy sports millionaire just by playing FLW Fantasy Fishing."

“With the popularity and profile of professional angling on the rise and with the first-ever, recently awarded $1 million first-place payout at the 2007 Forrest Wood Cup, we knew it was time to give the public an opportunity to win as well,”

Yes, fantasy sports have gone too far. The shocking thing is not that you now can become a millionaire from a fantasy sport, its that you can actually have a freakin' fantasy fishing team. I thought fantasy poker, golf and Nascar were bad, but this is possibly the dumbest thing I've heard of.

And yet...I am going to have to play in it just for a shot at that damn million dollars. Curse my love of the ever weakening dollar! What is next for fantasy sports? Is there fantasy spelling bee yet? Fantasy Competative Eating?

From FLWOutdoors
Fantasy Fishing site is here
Fishing babe from here

The Greatest Movie Ever Made

Ok, so this isn't really sports related, but I just saw this movie trailer for what has to be the single greatest (worst?) film EVER MADE. You cannot go wrong with a film that has a hot young Asian schoolgirl, who has a machine gun for an arm, with ninjas and the yakuza, sex, revenge, incredibly graphic violence with chainsaws, a flying guillotine, a drill bra and oh...did I mention SHE HAS A MACHINE GUN FOR A FUCKING ARM! Well you can go wrong, but it would be difficult. Alright, enough mindless filler hype...give this a view if you've never seen this and you are a B Movie/Kung Fu fan. Probably want to put the headphones on if you're at work.

Rasheed Wallace: The Lost Wu-Tang Member

Rasheed Wallace, like a few NBA players, enjoys rapping. He got caught on film entering the arena by ESPN rapping recently, but did you know that that isn't his first rap caught on tape? Watch below, we've got the ESPN video, then some other YouTube video that claims to be Rasheed's rapping on an album. Every motherfuckin' baller wants to be a rapper and every motherfuckin' rapper wants to be a baller. Its the same old story, G.

Twas The Night Before The Mitchell Report

'Twas the night before the Mitchell Report, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The needles were trashed by the attendants with care,
In knowing that St. Mitchell soon would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of suspensions danced in their heads;

And Selig in his cheap suit and Fehr in his pleats,
Had just settled down from a long winter's meets,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
Selig sprang from his office to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the mini-blinds and threw up in the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to his wondering eyes should meet,
But a bald headed man, and eight tiny athletes,

With a little old body, but so lively and fickle,
He knew in a moment it must be St. Mitchell.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Bonds! now, Gullien! now, Sosa and Clemens!
On, Tejada! on Giambi! on, Ankiel and Leyritz!

To the top of the ballpark! to Capitol Hill on the Mall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry heaves follow Selig's regurgitated pie,
When they meet with the press, and pray to the sky,

So up to the press-room the coursers they flew,
With a town car full of needles, indictments, Mitchell too.

And then, in a twinkling, Selig heard on the tube
The hemming and hawing of each ball playing dude.

As he drew in his hand, and was turning around,
Down the hall St. Mitchell came with a bound.

He was dressed all in black, in his hand was a book,
And the book told the tales of many a crook;

A bundle of pages he said told the truth,
Of a number of players whom he was sent to sleuth.

His eyes -- black like a hole! his glasses how boring!
His jowls like chicken theighs, his nose caused him snoring!

His sour little mouth was drawn down like a loon,
And the skin of his chin was as wrinkled as a prune;

The specter of a steroids he held tight in his grip,
And the terror it gave caused a many tear drip ;

He had a tiny face and a little bic pen,
That pointed when he spoke again and again.

He was lean and thin, a right miserable old elf,
And Selig cowered when he saw him, in spite of himself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Selig to know he had everything to dread;

He spoke many a word, and told of his works,
And filled all the public, with stories of jerks;

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, out the press room he rose;

He sprang to his Lincoln Town Car, to the players gave a bow,
And to their agents they all ran with many a furrowed brow.

But Selig heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Mitchell Report to all, and to all a good-night."

Inspiration for this story was this post by the 800lb Gorilla. Their title made me do this.

UPDATE: The gals at Babes Love Baseball have their own take they put up after the report came out. Its quite good, I'd recommend reading it.

FUK U DOME!!!

Sorry. I just wanted to get that out of the way before everyone piles on.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Roof Rollerblading

This is why you should NOT rollerblade off your roof. This is one of the worst face plants i've seen or heard. Just watch the recoil from his face hitting the ground. Yikes, not for the faint of heart. Enjoy your random video of horrific violence Thursday.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've had a soccer roundup. Sorry for leaving you hanging like that. Didn't expect you to be waiting here after all this time. Let's do this.

Dominus Ominus. Run That Donerkabob!


First the Kurds and now the crosses. It seems like everyone's against Turkey these days. Good thing people like the military and Fenerbahce are there to stand up for all the little Ataturkamanics out there.

A Turkish lawyer is demanding that UEFA rescind the three points Inter Milan took from Fenerbahce during the Champions League group stage because...Inter were wearing jerseys displaying a large red cross.

The shirt's scheme saw a big red cross on a white background, a symbol of the city of Milan, and reminded many of an emblem of the order of the Templars, which is considered offensive in Islamic culture.

Inter consciously did not wear their 'centenary shirt' in their first match against Fenerbahce in Istanbul, but at home, they did not think it was necessary to do the same.

Basis Kaska, a European law expert, filed the official protest after the Turkish media and viewers raised a ruckus.

Inter has worn the centenary jersey on several occasions. They decided not to wear the shirt in Istanbul because it would be insulting but thought it wouldn't be in Milan? Interesting. Mi scusi!


Sometimes The Jokes Write Themselves

Steven Gerrard. Liverpool. Dirty thieving Scousers. Home burglary.

Football365 put it best. Stereotypes makes things easy.

Come on down, $tevie Me! You're the next Liverpool player to get jacked! Steven Gerrard is the sixth Liverpool player to be robbed while away on international or Champions League duty.

Gerrard's WAG, Alex Curran was in the house along with another woman when they were confronted by burglars in hoods. The robbers made off with jewlery.

At this point, Ladbrokes should be taking wagers on the next Liverpool player to be jacked. It might be a little harder for thieves since England's staying home during the international breaks. If the thieves are Liverpool fans (if...hah!), they'd rob the worst performing players to make them step their game up.


Where In The World Is Ray Lewis


There's no way Ray Lewis could have taken Sunday night's blowout loss to the Colts well. I know I was in a stabby mood by halftime. I mean how is it possible to score that many points in one quarter?? I digress.

If Ray Ray's like me except with means, he would have gone to Rome to blow off some stea.....Wait it looks like he did. How do I know?

Five Manchester United fans were taken to hospital tonight and two Britons arrested following trouble ahead of the Champions League tie with Roma at the Stadio Olimpico. Manchester-based police initially confirmed they had received reports of three supporters being stabbed but the number requiring medical assistance rose even though there was nowhere near the same scale of violence that scarred the last meeting between the two teams in April. The precise extent of the injuries sustained in the trouble has not been verified.

That's how I know.

United ended up drawing 1-1 with Roma. They're through to the knockout stages while Rangers shamed Scotland by losing 3-0 to Lyon in a must-win match.


And Who Would That Be, Tommy? Ze Austrians?


Not if the Austrians have anything to do with it.

You'd think Austria would be all excited and shit about hosting Euro 2008 especially since the English and their cultured, respectful fans won't be in attendance. However this isn't the case.

They do want to co-host the tournament with Switzerland. They'd just prefer it if their national team didn't participate. As a matter of fact, they'd like the people to make sure it doesn't happen by signing a petiton which states the following:

Dear football fans!

Your entering this site is no coincidence.
It means you care about attractive football.
It means you appreciate a blind pass that actually reaches its destination.
It means you thoroughly enjoy amazing dribbling skills.
It means you jump for joy when a free kick is expertly bent into the far corner of the goal.
In short: it means you love this great sport for the sheer beauty of it.

However, it also means you fall into a dismal state of depression when watchimg a match featuring the Austrian national football team.
For all those displays of true skill, on a field taken by our team, occur about as frequently as meteorite impacts.
This cannot be blamed on anyone.

Even though we have spent twenty years buying ageing stars, even though wealthy patrons supply one of our clubs with several times their usual budgets only to be rewarded with a fraction of their success of lore, even though twenty-six-year-olds who barely stumble through their second match playing for foreign second-league clubs are discovered as incredibly promising new talents and immediately ordered into the national team – nothing so far has helped.

It cannot be denied: the performance of the Austrian team is an insult to your sense of aesthetics as well as to what you expect from this sport. Their participating in the EURO 2008 is to you a contradiction in itself. We understand.

By signing this Petitionyou urge the Austrian Football Association (Österreichischer Fußballbund; OEFB) to voluntarily resign from participating in the EURO 2008.
Austria was once a country with a keen sense for aesthetics. „...a people gifted for beauty“, as a verse of our national anthem states – an anthem our players barely manage to stammer along to, as they palefacedly contemplate yet another grueling encounter with the ball and the opponent.

We want to show the world that we still embrace beauty. And at the same time, we want to do something that is as alien to our people as the names of our strikers are to foreign football experts: To show some dignity!

It's hard to argue with that.

Thanks to RH for the tip.


Sex Shrek

Memories...

60% of the time, it works every time? Please, we're talking 80% here.

Step aside, Sex Panther. Wayne Rooney has a new scent that's going to be illegal in 13.5 countries. It's called Sex Shrek. It's too much for just cologne. It's going to be the signature scent in a new line of toiletries being launched by Rooney. The line will also include a shower gel and deodorant.

It's expected the line will be a success. A focus group of 300 over-50 hookers was used and 80% can't be wrong.