Wednesday, 12 Dec 2007
Stuff > Entertainment > Blog: The Hit List

An open letter to JJ Abrams

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 3:48 pm 12 December 2007

fdsaDear JJ Abrams.

Hi Mr Abrams. You may not know me, but I know you. I’m an admirer of your work. Sometimes, like in Lost, I don’t know what’s going on, but I stuck around for the ride because I believed you had it all planned out. Or did you?

Your new film has me confused. Is it called Cloverfield? Or 01-18-08? Does it even have a name? Or is it so crap you can’t be bothered naming it?

I’ve tried to get excited about it. I checked out the first trailer, and I’ve seen the second trailer. Yes, yes, it’s very Blair Witch. And there seems to be a monster involved. But the hand-held camera made me feel a little sick.

Get those Pumpkin asses over here

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 1:49 pm 11 December 2007

fewqrOkay, the joke’s over. I’ve bitten my nails down to the bone, I’m pulling hair out in clumps and waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. You’re havin’ a laff, aren’t you?

I am, of course, talking about The Smashing Pumpkins. Bald Billy Corgan and his band of boys (and a girl) have announced four tour dates in Australia next year, but are yet to announce any in New Zealand.

We’re only a three-hour flight away - that’s not too much to ask, is it? Or do they not give seats on planes to pumpkins?

I don’t want to go to Australia to see them play - it’s too hot, there are too many flies, those cork hats don’t suit me, and I don’t want to get beaten up by Russell Crowe - but I will if I have to.

I’d much rather watch them play in our shiny new Vector Arena. And seeing as this is my dream, they’ll play all of my Top Five Smashing Pumpkins Songs:

Not suitable for work

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 11:59 am 10 December 2007

sdfI think I’m going to get in trouble this time. Big trouble.

And I don’t mean trouble like the time I slagged off System Of A Down’s performance at the Big Day Out and irate fans clogged my inbox with emails, calling for me to be marched down Wellington’s main street and shot.

I mean real trouble. Like having my internet usage monitored and being banned from websites that aren’t work related. Now that’s a punishment I want to avoid.

The problem is I’ve been catching up on Eating Media Lunch episodes during work hours. The show screens on TV2 on Friday nights, and that’s not ideal programming for me.

Unfortunately, a segment that screened during episode two of the latest season was rather explicit. It played excerpts from a Norwegian television show that gave a, erm, blow-by-blow description of oral sex. With live models.

Basically, it was soft porn.

Get ready for some robot love

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 1:13 pm 7 December 2007

fdsaRobot impersonations, bad first dates, new videos from Scribe, Bloc Party and The White Stripes, and the possibility of an Arrested Development movie. It’s all here in the Best Links of the Week:

1. Rhys Darby: Anyone who caught Flight of the Conchords’ Murray live in Auckland this week will know about the Kiwi stand-up’s great robot impersonation. He’s been busy filming clips online, including Robotman and The Dater. Can you feel the force of my loving now?

2. What It Is - NaS: Rap star NaS has delayed his new album Nigga till February. Maybe he can use that time to rethink the album’s title. He also claims this leaked track won’t be on it. Shame - it sounds like he’s found some form.

Take a picture, it lasts longer

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 12:38 pm 6 December 2007

fdasIt’s about this time of year everyone starts compiling their Best Of lists. Don’t worry, I’ll be putting together Stuff.co.nz’s favourite music, movies and stories from 2007 for a series of compelling, definitive lists  over the next couple of weeks.

We’re accepting nominations now, so get your votes in.

But in the meantime, we’ve compiled a picture gallery of the year’s best photos. It took me an entire afternoon to put it together, so the least you could do is check it out.

Where are all the chicks, man?

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 12:08 pm 5 December 2007

fsdaSo the Big Day Out line-up has been finalised. Despite all the moaning, I’m pretty happy with it - although I can understand why metal heads would be feeling a little let down.

But one thing I’ve noticed is a major gender imbalance. There’s Bjork … there’s Kate Nash … there’s a chick in Arcade Fire … and that’s it. The rest of the lineup is pretty much all male. That’s a lot of testosterone.

But I was doing some research - Hitlist readers will know that I extensively research each and every blog posting - and found that this may be indicative of the entire music industry. 

To quote a drunken idiot friend of mine: Where are all the chicks, man?

Fun in the sun

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 1:33 pm 4 December 2007

fhdMusic and summer go together like Britney Spears and controversy. Or Paris Hilton and sex tapes. Or Brad and Ange. You get what I’m talking about, right?

No other country does summer music festivals better than New Zealand. In the coming months, you can enjoy everything from the Big Day Out at Mt Smart Stadium to Supergroove at the Waihi Beach Pub. Hope it has extra reinforcements - the foundations are bound to be tested.

But there are two types of summer music festivals. There are good ones that leave you sunburnt, drunk and happy. And there are bad ones, when it rains, the beer is too expensive and you’re left feeling ripped off.

That’s how we felt after last year’s inaugural Mercury Rising festival in Whitianga. No complaints about the music - Concord Dawn, Fat Freddy’s Drop, P-Money and PNC were great. But the organisation was shocking.

Keep grindin’

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 11:05 am 3 December 2007

nas1.jpgWe all make mistakes, but hip-hop stars seem to make more of them than most. It’s not their fault - it must be hard to concentrate with all that bling shining directly in your eyes.

Last week I made a list of the top five reasons hip-hop would be saved by the end of the year. It included new albums by NaS, Wu-Tang Clan, Ghostface Killah and Lupe Fiasco.

Well rap fans, there’s good news, and there’s bad news.

First, the bad news. NaS‘ new album won’t be out till February. The record with the controversial title Nigga has been delayed, just like his New Zealand tour. The problem hasn’t been stated - maybe he’s still sorting out someone to beef with. 50 Cent is probably free.

Hanging around The Office

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 11:47 am 29 November 2007

dwightIt’s time to make a big, bold statement. Make sure you’re sitting down, because this is going to knock your socks off. Are you ready? Are you sure?

Okay, here goes: The American version of The Office is better than the British original.

No, this isn’t some rash statement I’m making to get a reaction. I’ve spent a long time - far longer than is healthy - debating this. If I was to go on Mastermind, The Office would be my expert topic.

Don’t get me wrong - I loved every teeth-grinding minute of the British version. Tim was genius, Gareth was brilliant, and Ricky Gervais’ David Brent was a comic creation that only the most warped mind could have created.

And let’s face it, without it the American version wouldn’t even exist.

But I’m a convert. It’s only recent thing - I didn’t even want to watch it at first in case they ruined it. But the brilliant season three - and the beginning of season four, currently screening in the US - has tipped the scales firmly over towards the American version. I think I might be in love.

Let’s make a movie

Chris Schulz in The Hit List | 1:20 pm 28 November 2007

fsdaI’ve always wanted to make a movie. It can’t be that hard, can it? Turn the camera on, yell ‘action’ and ‘cut’ through your megaphone every now and then, and get ginger beer and French pastries hand-delivered by caterers.

Sounds like a sweet deal to me.

But maybe it’s not that easy. You’d have to decide what to leave out of your movie, and that’s gotta be harder than deciding what to put in.

Let’s face it, unless Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, MacGyver and Bruce Willis have an all-in, ninja-inspired brawl, your movie is going to suck.

Likewise, light sabres need to make an appearance. And nunchakus. Samuel L Jackson should be in there somewhere, wearing board shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. And the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man has to be included. Marshmallow goo always makes a movie better.

That sounds like an awesome movie to me. I’ll call it Return of the Marshmallow Ghostbuster. If any movie studios want to get in contact, leave your details below.

Next Page »

Chris Schulz is Stuff.co.nz's Entertainment Editor. His eyes are strained from watching too much TV, his back is sore from going to too many movies, and his iPod is screaming out for a break. His blog includes news, views and random thoughts about the entertainment industry. Oh, and top five lists. Did we mention he likes lists?
Recent Comments
  • I'm so late but... The Skyrockets in flight song from Anchorman! Bloody brill
  • Oh - and for 5 songs to see? Drown Gossamer Geek USA Tristessa and maybe something super-left...
  • I'm flying to aussie twice in a week next Jan to see Dream Theater and Iron Maiden (twice). but I w...
  • Great call on Starla. It's an epic that's got it all. Highs, lows, dark, light. Off the same album I...
  • Ava Adore ftw