Mark Steel

Mark Steel: If you think Islam is medieval, look at Catholicism

Published: 16 January 2008

Tomorrow, the Pope was meant to have visited the University of La Sapienza in Rome. Only, he won't now, having got wind of a protest which would have put the defiance of Burmese monks in the shade. The punishment for this one would have been an eternity of agonising torment.

Mark Steel: A few tears won't make Hillary more electable

Published: 09 January 2008

What a magnificent speech by Hillary Clinton, where she broke down in tears and spluttered, "Lots of people think elections are about who's up and who's down, but this is very personal for me. I've had such opportunities from this country."

Mark Steel: When Mayan rebirthing just isn't mad enough

Published: 26 December 2007

For the first time ever I felt like going to a Catholic Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. Because it would have been worth it to yell during the sermon: "It's one thing tolerating the Inquisition and the Mafia and an assortment of paedophiles, but surely even YOU draw the line at Blair."

Mark Steel: Why can't we stop flying when it's such torture?

Published: 19 December 2007

Of all the complex scientific questions raised by that climate-change conference in Bali, the most difficult of all is this – why can't we stop people flying when they're only going a short distance, even though it entails the tortuous woeful arena of abject malignant misery that is the modern airport? It's as if scientists discovered that toxic gases were released into the atmosphere whenever electrodes were attached to genitals but most people said "I don't care, I'm going to carry on zapping mine every day because it's convenient."

Mark Steel: Donorgate? It's obviously all the fault of the unions

Published: 05 December 2007

After the palaver of the last week, the Labour Party has come up with a magnificent solution to the problem of weird businessmen donating money to them. They’ve proposed, according to this paper yesterday, " greater transparency on the way unions pay affiliation fees", and that " one-off payments to Labour from unions should be subject to the £50,000 ceiling." Because that’s who’s to blame for Labour leaders taking dodgy money from nutty millionaires - the unions.

Mark Steel: It takes a warrior like Blair to talk of peace

Published: 28 November 2007

I concede defeat. Watching Tony Blair parading around the Annapolis summit as the representative of the Quartet of Europe, the UN, Russia and the US, I can't think of any situation more ridiculous than making Tony Blair a peace envoy for the Middle-East.

Mark Steel: A French lesson about the poverty of rich countries

Published: 21 November 2007

One impact of these strikes in France is that it's confused some of the people who write about such events. Which is why you get articles that seem to go "In a modern globalised economy, old-fashioned militancy simply has no power. That's what these train drivers must realise as they bring the entire country to a stand-still, their powerless union wrecking the economy, not just of France but of Europe and most of outer space. And now loads of other workforces are coming out on strike as well! Haven't they read my book explaining how this can't happen any more? So now, because of them, to get to my lecture entitled, 'The utter futile pointlessness of ever imagining a strike these days could have the tiddliest impact' I've got to bloody well walk!"

Mark Steel: You can't go round telling people you've been sacked

Published: 14 November 2007

Until recently, no one seemed to have worked out how to apply budget cuts and privatisation to the field of care for the mentally ill. I'm sure think-tanks have come up with suggestions, such as sponsoring the voices in paranoid people's heads. So patients could say "Now, instead of being warned that the man behind me is a secret agent trying to kill me, I'm told I can't get quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter. I've not got in nearly so many fights but I've spent my life's savings on exhaust pipes."

Mark Steel: Everyone should watch these medieval antics

Published: 07 November 2007

The postal workers, like the workforce in every other institution, have been told they must modernise or be overtaken by forces who are prepared to be modern. And to set an example, the Government that insists on this laid out their plans yesterday in the modern setting of the state opening of parliament.

Mark Steel: How nice that we make King Abdullah feel at home

Published: 31 October 2007

That should stop those liberal types who complain we don't do enough to welcome people who leave a country that practises persecution. Admittedly, with King Abdullah, he's the person who organises the persecution, but the main point is we made an effort.

Mark Steel: Class still rules. It's just the jobs that have changed

Published: 24 October 2007

One thing that almost all commentators, journalists and politicians can agree on is that there's no point in going on about class.

Mark Steel: The madder the theory, the more people believe it

Published: 17 October 2007

There's one question no one has raised at this inquest into Diana's crash. Is it really possible that an elaborate murder, involving flashing lights, redirected cameras and ghostly Fiat Unos, could be organised by a family made up of bumbling aristocratic idiots incapable of crossing the road without an equerry?

Mark Steel: However debased the image, Che's legend lives on

Published: 10 October 2007

The image of Che Guevara is perfect for the modern world, not just a revolutionary but a celebrity revolutionary. Posh Spice probably sees his picture everywhere and screams "Why can't my agent get me on that many magazines and baseball caps?" Even if she's read this week's commemorations of his death as a guerilla 40 years ago, she'll imagine he spent his days running through a Cuban swamp with Churchill Insurance on his combat fatigues.

Mark Steel: Can you not know that you are using forced labour?

Published: 03 October 2007

From now on, I think every protest should have monks at the front. They look fantastic, so much better than Bianca Jagger and someone from Greenpeace dawdling into Trafalgar Square clutching a crumpled banner the width of the road. And they're so dazzling, you almost wish that when they're being chased by the police they would flee in formation, to create a kaleidoscope of colour like the Red Arrows.

Mark Steel: Oh, we do like being British by the seaside

Published: 26 September 2007

Surely, if you've been desperately frothing to become prime minister every day for 14 years, once it finally happens and you get to make your big speech you must have something more to say than that. From the bit I heard it just went "it's an honour and a privilege to be in charge of the British people because of all the British people only the British people are British."

Mark Steel: Have you got that rocket launcher in blue?

Published: 19 September 2007

Aren't we supposed to be panicking about all these easily available weapons in our inner cities? Then the press and politicians should hurry to the East End of London, where there are thousands of the things. And the idiots who own them have even given the police clues about where they are, by calling their stash the "London Arms Fair".

What next from Osama? A range of health products?

Published: 11 September 2007

Maybe this video is just an extract, and later we’ll see the whole programme on ‘Ten Years Younger

Mark Steel: Is Martin McGuinness addicted to secret talks?

Published: 05 September 2007

One of the most romantic attempts to solve the chaos in Iraq is this session of secret talks that's been revealed, chaired by Martin McGuinness in Finland, and attended by Ulster Unionists, South African ANC members and Iraqi Sunnis and Shias.

Mark Steel: It's obvious whose fault it was that Diana died

Published: 29 August 2007

Camilla has worked this out brilliantly. Not only has she got one of the best-paid jobs in the world for just the odd day's work, but she's been told, "This Friday, you must have the day off, is that understood?"