Your new movie, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters, features talking food from New Jersey doing battle with space aliens. How would you describe the film to someone who’s never heard of it before?
It is a family-friendly rock ‘n’ roll fest that is not for kids. And there are explosions.
Non-stop action, an amazing love story, a family drama, a heartfelt journey, epic battles, and rock ‘n’ roll.
How would you rate your performance?
We’re talking double Oscar.
Never before has one performer gotten two Oscars for the same part, but I’m going to get them. I’m getting an Oscar for Best Male Performer. Also, Best Supporting Actor, because when I do scenes with other people I’m supporting them as well. Have you ever heard of anyone winning the Oscar unanimously? No, you have not. And that is what’s going to happen. History. It’s called history.
Your co-star is a lump of beef named Meatwad. What was it like working with him?
Horrible. That’s like asking, ‘Hey, how did it feel when your hand got slammed in the car door?’
Were there any onset incidents?
You know, I like to keep it quiet. I go straight to my trailer. I can be professional without having to speak to Meatwad. Luckily, I have a lot of scenes where I hit him with blunt objects, so I’m able to get a little bit of frustration out of my system.
How have things changed since you’ve become a big Hollywood star?
I’ve been shopping a lot of ideas around Hollywood for some of the many projects I have in mind. I’ve been doing a reality show where I live in a house with hot swimsuit models—and that’s it. I just look at them all the time. And all the walls are glass so I can see them no matter where they are. The show is called Changing Time with Master Shake. A bell rings and I shout, ‘Changing time!’ And they all go into their rooms and change into different swimsuits. I get to ogle them while they do it. Tell me who wouldn’t watch that show?
You’ve had a lot of guest stars on your show. One episode featured Tera Patrick—
Whom I’ve laid numerous times.
Wow. How was she?
She was fair. I taught her everything. Let’s just say I reintroduced her to herself. I had my genitals exposed while we were recording in the booth. I kept pressing them up against the booth window. She was screaming for me to get out of there. Then her husband came in and tried to get violent. He was scared to touch me because I had my genitals out. They’re formidable.
Have you been with any other big stars?
I’ve done all of them. I’ve been around all the blocks! All I know is I went to one party, I was there for 20 minutes and by the time I left I had already been with Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. I laid her getting out of the car.
That’s amazing. Have you been with any respected actresses like Meryl Streep?
Meryl Streep has the softest hands I’ve ever felt on my buttocks. What a lover.
How about Scarlett Johansson?
She’s been in too many boring movies. Girl with the Pearl Earring? What the hell was that? I thought it was porno. I thought it was Girl with the Pearl Necklace.
FHM Online is compiling its annual list of the 100 sexiest women. Who gets your vote?
I really can’t vote because I’ve laid most of these girls. I’ve seen all of them in every position. About the only woman in Hollywood who is alive right now who I have not been with is Lily Tomlin. And Jodie Foster. Let me tell you, they are tough eggs to crack.
You worked with rapper Danger Doom on the album The Mouse and the Mask. Did any beefs break out after you got into the rap world?
You mean, after I shattered and then rebuilt the rap world? I didn’t get into it—I reinvented it and made it stronger.
Were there any haters?
Listen, I got haters all over the place. I don’t pay attention to haters. Most of them do not answer the phone when I call to try and do more rap records. The haters say I shouldn’t do a follow-up album. I say it’s because I’ve done the definitive album—it can’t be topped! I guess I’m just going to have to stick to making major motion picture Hollywood blockbusters.
You have a spectacular build. What’s your workout secret?
Unfortunately, the kind of body I have is just a gift from God. You can’t make this. You got to have it. Sorry, tubbos, not a chance you’re walking down the street with this.
What would you say to someone who wasn’t planning on seeing your movie?
If they’re not planning on seeing it then I’m going to say plan on being the biggest loser in the universe. If you want to be thought of the same way some people who are young think of their grandparents then be my guest and don’t go see this movie. But if you know that you rock and that you’re a fucking bad ass then shell over that 10 bucks. Have one less beer, a-hole.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters is currently in theaters. Aqua Teen Hunger Force airs weekdays at midnight on the Cartoon Network.