Goonspeak
From SASSclopedia
Goonspeak or Goonglish is a dialect of written English used on Something Awful. It has several traits, including a hypercorrective grammar structure, use of Old English prepositions, use of catchphrases, and a large elitist vocabulary.
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Hypercorrection
Hypercorrection is a linguistic phenomenon which involves usage that many informed users of a language consider incorrect, but that the speaker or writer uses through misunderstanding of prescriptive rules, often combined with a desire to seem formal or educated. This fits the goon mentality very well.
A typical Hypercorrection in Goonspeak is the who/whom Hypercorrection, shown here by goon Serg:
"Today a stupid redneck in my parking lot whom does not live here"
The correct relative pronoun in the above sentence should be who.
Another example would be adapting the british spellings of "daemon" and "paedophile" because British English is perceived to be a more "correct" and "sophisticated" English.
Late Middle English Vocabulary
Goonspeak makes use of the Late Middle English words hence, thence, thusly, and whilst. These words (with the possible exception of hence) are not at all common in modern English, and their meanings are highly literary.
Common Goon Vocabulary
Goon Vocabulary consists of a wide list of insults, the most of which consist of two risqué words smashed together, foreign words borrowed from other languages used mostly for linguistic purposes, politically correct speech, and catchphrases.
Insults
- vapid cunt
- batshit insane
- crotchspawn
- asshat
- fucktard
- fuckwaffle
- faggo
High English
- aforementioned
- asinine
- amidst
- extolled
- good sir
- irrefutable
- myriad
Loan words
- faux
- sans
- a la
- et al
Politically Correct
- urban youths
- ladyfriend
- ladyparts
Catchphrases
- puppet master
- rolling with punches
- neckbeard
- goon
- fakepost
- welp
Other
- ahoy
- fast forward
- chillax
- thinly veiled
- strawman
- backstory
- laughable
- Personally,
- Seconded.
- TIME SLOWED DOWN
- smarmy
- my eyes lit up
- I just spit [liquid] all over my [peripheral]
- the horror that is ____
- wage-slave
- Good god/Good lord.
- fuck with
- raping my childhood
- weep for humanity
- my penis thanks you
- That having been said,
- I'll call him Mike, because that's his name
- (QUOTED POST) this.
- creepy
- feh
- meh
- sever
- but I digress
- my girlfriend
- posting career
- posting style
Creepy
Goons are creeped out by the silliest things. That's because they don't know what creepy truly is. They overuse this word like it's their fucking job. This is especially prevalent in GBS and Ask/Tell social etiquette threads.
Some stories of goon encounters with creepy creepos: I went into Starbucks the other day with my boyfriend to get a soy caffe latte and this creepy pedostached neckbeard in a green apron uniform was at the counter handling my order. He politely greeted me and asked "What can I get for you?" as I stared him in the eye in speechless disgust. Choking back tears I told my boyfriend behind me to order the venti soy caffe latte for me. I spent the whole afternoon on my Macbook reloading GBS and Facebook and shooting him hateful glares. I don't see why people like that disgusting social pariah barista neckbeard creepo McNerd even get retail jobs if they are so unable to talk to people. I'm typing this from that same Starbucks OH MY GOD HE'S LOOKING AT ME
Just the other day I went to Macaroni Grill to try one of their new Shareable Chipotle Grille Pleasers and like this scary chick with her hair all tied back in a pony tail not to mention like, 5 extra pounds on her was like all "hey! I'm Kayla and I'll be your server today!" It was so digusting and creepy, my hair stood on end and I got goosebumps all over my body. I had to take 19 showers when I got home. I scrubbed off all my skin to remove her creepyness and I'm now one giant scab.
This guy working circulation at my college's library was there and he had THE AUDACITY, THE UNMITIGATED GALL TO ASK FOR MY FUCKING LIBRARY CARD AND PHOTO ID when I tried to check out The God Delusion. What a disgusting invasion of privacy. I punched him and shrieked "SOMETHING AWFUL DOT COM" and ran out of the library with the book. Then I called campus police and accused him of sexual harassment.
All the forum superstars said the new registrant who posted without religiously studying forum dynamics and had an anime avatar was a creepy internet detective who posted while drunk once. So Crumbunist tracked him down, killed him and cut off his testicles for safe-keeping. But nobody got arrested after the police heard what Crumbunist said even though the new guy just registered last week. A bunch of us gave Lauren Kyanka his nuts to use as fuzzy dice when they drove to the dance. What a laugh. Such losers should just kill themselves before they show their faces at OUR forum.
