SIB ACN Note:
This is the account that started it all. After a failed attempt to sue
the Humans for defamation through our judicial branch, and then a failed attempt
to "hack" the article and original website to clarify blatant
misinformation; the SIB and Executive Branch made a generous offer to the author
which couldn't be refused (we won't throw birds at her windows or pinecones at
her mate's head anymore).
The Squirrels In Black now have
exclusive rights to this article. Java
and I kept the majority of the story in its original form for historic purposes
This is NOT an SIB endorsement
for Squirrel Hazing or Human interference in squirrel affairs!
Webhamster Note: Links will
open in new windows
You see it
every spring...squirrels racing in front of cars, squirrels
taunting cats, squirrels chasing dogs, and squirrels stuffing
their faces until their cheeks are on the verge of exploding.
Pretty normal squirrel behavior, right?
ago, after yet another near miss with yet another squirrel while
riding in a car, it occurred to us that there might be a reason
why so many squirrels choose to run in front of cars at the very
last second. At first, we thought it might be a behavioral
response to a fast-moving object passing in front of them; then
it occurred to us that it might be a desperate cry for attention;
finally, we resigned ourselves to the belief that the squirrels
were suicidal and trying to end their miserable lives. That's
when we started this project.
as an attempt to counsel squirrels so we could find out exactly
what was so miserable about their lives that they would want to
end it underneath a moving vehicle, turned into one of the most
startling revelations in the history of human-squirrel relations.
(hāz) verb, transitive hazed, hazing, hazes 1. To persecute or
harass with meaningless, difficult, or humiliating tasks. 2. To
initiate, as into a college fraternity, by exacting humiliating
performances from or playing rough practical jokes upon.
from obsolete haze, to frighten, from obsolete French haser, to
annoy, from Old French.] - haz“er noun
once thought that humans were the only animals to engage in
ritualized hazing. As it turns out, squirrels have been engaging
in the practice since the birth of their species. From cheek
stuffing to car racing...anything goes for these wantonly
What Do These Three Squirrels Have In
They are all dead -- the unfortunate victims
of squirrel hazing.
EXAMPLES OF SQUIRREL HAZING
Here we see 3 1/2
year old "Dizzy" ** engaging in the oldest known form
of squirrel hazing, known as cheek stuffing. The goal of this
challenge is for the victim to stuff as many nuts as possible
into his/her cheek pouch. A squirrel hazing "judge"
determines if the amount of nuts is enough to qualify. Many
squirrels permanently disfigure their cheek pouches from
participating in this particular ritual.
Here we see 2 1/2
year old "Laurie" ** participating in the second oldest
form of squirrel hazing -- snow sitting. The victim is told to
sit perfectly still on a mound of snow until the squirrel hazing
"judge" determines that the victim has sat long enough.
While it is one of the more tame hazing rituals, many squirrels
have frozen to death trying to impress the squirrel hazing
is an example of a squirrel hazing ritual gone wrong. While
engaging in the ritual known as dog chasing, 2 year old
"Peter" ** and 1 1/2 year old "Kate" ** are
forced to fight for their lives when the dog they were chasing
suddenly turned on them. "Peter" ** can be seen here
fighting valiantly while "Kate" ** goes into hiding.
Fortunately, the dog's owner arrived before anyone could be hurt.
which involves a group of squirrels participating in what could
be called "mass hazing," is much more dangerous than it
appears. Regularly, the victims end up impaling themselves on
broken glass or dying from massive head trauma. In this case, 1
year old "Eddie" ** slammed his head into a discarded
microphone stand, temporarily stunning himself senseless.
"Mandy," ** "Michael,"
** and "Maria" ** demonstrate what is involved with the
ritual known as cat taunting. This is a relatively new ritual due
to the sudden influx of domestic felines throughout the world
over the last few centuries. The object of this particular ritual
is to drink all of the milk and eat all of the cat food before
the cat comes after them. The dangers involved with this ritual
Here we see 1 1/2
year-old "Perry" ** preparing to engage in car racing.
Car racing is one of the newest and most frequently witnessed
form of squirrel hazing. It involves challenging the victim to
run in front of a moving vehicle at the very last possible
second. If a victim moves to soon, he/she is taunted and
ridiculed for the rest of his/her life.
hazing isn't limited to one geographical location. In fact,
squirrel hazing has been witnessed all over the world. Wherever
squirrel hazing has been witnessed, squirrel
"observers" have been seen nearby.
squirrel "observers" seem to have the dual purpose of
taunting the victim into performing the ritual and punishing any
victim refusing to participate. Any victim refusing to
participate is severely beaten, then exiled from the neighborhood
NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.
THE SQUIRREL JUDGE
is known about this elusive creature. Until recently, no
photographs of the squirrel hazing "judge" existed.
While we were observing the dog chasing
ritual, we notice one squirrel standing off by itself. At first we
didn't think anything of it until we noticed how all the squirrels
seemed to make a point of avoiding going near this particular
Curious to see what
was causing the other squirrels to avoid this particular
squirrel, we approached with our camera. What transpired next was
suddenly turned on us, grabbing our camera from our hands then
smashing it into the ground. Before we knew what was happening,
it was all over. The squirrel had resumed its former position,
leaving our camera a mangled, broken mess.
We were very fortunate to have been able to
salvage these pictures. Based on the squirrel's reaction to our
camera, we concluded that this indeed was the squirrel hazing
Here are a few things you can do to prevent
and discourage squirrel hazing activities
suggestions have been modified by the SIB ACN
you see a squirrel attempting to race your car, slow down or stop.
Since there is no challenge in racing a slow or stopped car, the squirrel
judge will nullify the ritual and have the victim perform a less hazardous
ritual. This is preferred since the losers of this ritual tend to get smelly
after a few days.
you see a gathering of squirrels in a public setting, take this as a possible sign of trouble. Try to break up the group as quickly as
possible without causing harm to any of the participants -- we
recommend calling the SIB or running around in circles wildly flailing your arms
and legs while making weird noises or funny faces. Never make
physical contact or indirect contact with a squirrel!
you own a dog, keep it on a leash at all times so the squirrels
won't have a reason to chase it. Besides that, dogs have smelly
breath, their slobber could easily drown a younger squirrel, and their pointy
teeth can cause nightmares, physical pain, and/or death.
you own a cat, do not keep its food and water outside where
squirrels can access them. The same goes for dog food. Rabbit
food and bird seed is fine since a squirrel could win a fight against either of
them - unless the bird is an owl or worse. Rabbits are just wannabe
rodents (fakers!) and don't pose a threat. All other pet food is garbage.
not give peanuts to squirrels. Peanuts are the raw source of "Peanut Oil," ***
which is a powerful intoxicant to squirrels. Besides that, it gives us stomach
problems over time. We prefer to eat food straight off of trees and flowers
anyway. Just don't spray them with that bug death stuff, then you won't have to
worry about us getting enough food to eat.
you feed the squirrels, only give us enough nuts to fit
comfortably in our cheek pouches. Many times humans unknowingly contribute to
squirrel hazing by providing the extra nuts used in the cheek stuffing ritual.
Just leave a pile and let us do the stuffing. Knowing the pile will still be
there, we will make return trips instead. Nothing hurts worse than stretch marks
in the cheek pouch. Also keep in mind that not all squirrels HAVE cheek pouches.
keep the lids on dumpsters and trash cans closed.
Open, they smell up
the neighborhood and become death traps for our young when they go through the
clumsy stage of climbing. Besides, we don't like most of your trash food -
we leave that for the raccoons.
**Name of squirrel
has been changed to protect its family.
Oil" abuse has been linked to 75% of all squirrel hazing
No squirrels were
harmed by us.
Several tiny flies were killed for flying in front of the
monitor after they had been warned repeatedly not to do so, a meal worm beetle
was beaten and killed by a gang of meal worm beetles from a neighboring
territory, and a weed was viciously yanked up by its roots for growing in the
Human's flower bed and not paying rent...but there were absolutely no squirrels
harmed in any way during or for the creation of this page - unless
they were of a lower rank and tried to steal our nest, stash, and/or babies.