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Monday, January 16, 2006
Show #2494
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White

Martin Lawrence; Kari Byron; and Matisyahu.
PLUS: Bode Miller; George W. Bush Foreign Policy Expert; A Top Ten List; New Rules of the NFL; Alan Kalter’s Million Dollar Idea Stolen; and Dave’s Weekend.

Dave is blue. Dave is glum. Dave is not happy. He had a horrible weekend experience. His Colts, his beloved Colts of Indianapolis, lost this weekend to the Pittsburgh Steelers, 21-18. Indianapolis never was in the Super Bowl. When the Baltimore Colts moved to Indianapolis some years ago, their chances improved greatly. Now they have a fine organization and have been on the cusp of the big game for a few years now. So excited was Dave that he hints, but doesn't admit, that he went out and got some chips and dip for Sunday's game. It wasn't a football party, but it was the closest thing he will ever have to a football party at his house. It was a brutal game for a fan to watch. As the game developed, Dave thought, "The Colts don't have a chance." And then suddenly, just like that, you thought, "Wait! They do have a chance. And then, 'they don't have a chance.' And then it was 'But they do have a chance.' And then 'no chance.' And then again they do have a chance." Dave says he's a heart patient and doesn't need this type of anxiety. Yeesh, On the bright side, Dave says at least now Peyton and Eli can watch the Super Bowl together.

Dave had an odd dream last night. He dreamed he was doing his last and final LATE SHOW. Of course he wanted everything to be perfect. Dave wanted to go out like a champion. He wanted to use the exact words to reveal his feelings and thoughts. He was thanking CBS, the staff, the crew. . . . and then suddenly, updated baseball scores started to appear at the bottom of the screen. The Control Room put up Angels 20; Tigers 0. Dave bolted down to the Control Room and demanded to know why a meaningless score from an Angels/Tiger game would appear on the screen.

So if you're keeping score at home, Dave is hinting he will retire somewhere between April and October; year to be determined.

It's been bitterly cold here in New York City the last few days and tonight we have our own Biff Henderson outside to tell us just how cold it is. Biff and our weather chart let us know that it is currently 26 degrees in New York City. Imagine that! 26 degrees in NYC in the middle of January! Alert the media! What will Biff be doing tonight? He'll be watching water freeze! Biff has a glass of water ¾ full. The current temperature of the water: room temperature. If the room is the Ed Sullivan Theater, it should freeze in no time. We watch for a few seconds but so far, no freezing is taking place.

Last week on 60 Minutes, Olympic athlete Bode Miller admitted to skiing while drunk. His comments have caused quite an uproar. We look at an announcement.

Announcer: "Bode Miller's admission of skiing drunk has landed him on the cover of 'Time' and 'Newsweek.' Well, if doing your job drunk is newsworthy, I should be on the cover every damn week!"
(photo of Bush)
"George W. Bush - Ridin' the Silver Bullet."

GEORGE W. BUSH FOREIGN POLICY EXPERT: From a recent press conference. Our President: "Germany is a really important country. It's right in the heart of Europe."

Dave has some of new rule changes the NFL will implement this coming season.
- if a helmet is knocked off during the game, the player must go the remainder of the game without a helmet.
- during the game, prior to the 2-minute warning will be a less stern 3-minute warning.
- if two players on opposite teams have control of the ball, possession goes to the player with the higher uniform number.

That's just some of the new rules for the upcoming season. Paul wonders aloud, "Who's Les Stern?"
I laughed, as I wondered about the wording as well.

Some more rule changes, some Dave may have mentioned, some perhaps he didn’t. I didn’t keep a list.
- A huddle may include as many as 40 players.
- Winning quarterback receives the silver dollar from the opening coin toss
- In addition to plays, quarterback helmet earpieces may also receive traffic and weather on the ones. (local 1010-WINS news radio radio joke)
- Pads optional for players over 350 pounds

Dave is billboarding Martin Lawrence’s new movie, Big Momma’s House 2. He shows a photo of Martin Lawrence dressed as Big Momma from the first film. Dave was very impressed with the makeup and transformation Martin Lawrence went through to achieve the appearance of Big Momma. As Dave continues to laud the project, we hear off-camera Mr. Kalter blurt, “Son of a bitch!” We see that the angry Alan is dressed in his own “Big Momma” get-up. Dave asks why he is dressed like that.
ALAN: “Oh, like you’ve never heard of my famous character Fat Momma Kalter? I’ve spent every weekend since 1982 cramming my nuts into this fat suit for casinos and cruise lines all over the world. And now this hump rips off my masterpiece for some lowbrow piece of Hollywood garbage? I’ll be he stole my catchphrase, ‘Fat Momma is feeling’ sassy tonight!’ Well, you tell that jackass he’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”
Big Momma Kalter then storms out. Hopes he gets over it.

TOP TEN: Reasons Saddam Hussein’s Chief Judge Resigned.
#10. Wants to spend more time with his goat.
#6. Lost faith in everything after finding out Oprah’s Book Club is rigged.
#2. Conflict of interest – he also enjoys eating Doritos in his underpants.

Back from commercial, we see the glass of water sitting by Biff’s feet. Through the glass, we can see refraction taking place. Maybe it wasn’t refraction, but my mentioning ‘refraction’ reminds me of a story.

And now my refraction story. I was a first semester freshman in college. I was oblivious to the world around me; my only knowledge pertaining to the Yankees and beer. I was a happy naïve lad of 18, not wanting to bother anyone, not wanting to be bothered. The only question my brain asked was, “Wanna play?” With that mentality, I found myself sitting in a Philosophy 101 class. I was either nursing a hangover or itching to create one, or both. Up front was a female professor droning on about something. Half-listening and half-watching, I noticed she was calling on students to give their opinion on a topic. The topic: How do we know that the world around us is actually there? How do we know our senses are not ‘lying’ to us?” She then gives the example of refraction; the appearance of a pencil in a glass of water seemingly to be broken. Yes, the pencil looks broken, our sense of sight tells us so, but it actually isn’t. How do we know life around us right now is also not what it seems? How do we know our senses are not lying to us? To this day I thank the Lord for the professor not calling on me. I may have dropped out of college right then and there if she had.

MARTIN LAWRENCE: From the film, Big Momma’s House 2. It opens January 27th. The conversation with Martin quickly turns to his history of dabbling in the “herb,” which he no longer does. He admits to smoking the Mary Jane through his 30s. How did the abuse manifest itself? Martin says he would find himself getting dressed in the kitchen, or wearing bowling shoes to a wedding because he might want to go bowling right after the vows. He says he knew it was time to give up the stuff when he started pulling cops over and asking them for identification.
Martin is the very happy dad of three beautiful girls and admits to being a disciplinarian. And he started the discipline even before the baby is born. He would talk to them while they were still in the stomach. He wanted them to be familiar to the sound of his voice right from the get-go. Dave relates a story told to him by Harry Connick. Harry told Dave that as a father of a boy, he (Dave) has to worry about only 1 boy. Harry, a father of girls, has to worry about EVERY boy. Martin laughs an understanding laugh, then gets real nervous. As did I.
We see a clip from Martin’s Big Momma’s House 2 of a little boy belly-flopping off the top bunk onto the bedroom floor. He does this all the time just for kicks. Depending on the rating, I may take my girls to see Big Momma. It looks funny.

KARI BYRON: She’s from the Discovery Channel’s Mythbusters. Dave says there are 3 shows on the Discovery Channel: American Chopper, Monster Garage and Mythbusters. Every other show on that channel consists of what people are building in Holland. Kari’s been on Mythbusters for 2 of the 4 years the program has been on. She got the job by showing up every day even though she wasn’t a part of the staff. She was willing to do anything and everything. Eventually she was hired for her butt. They used her to prove or disprove the myth of a heavyset woman getting stuck on the toilet of a plane. A woman flushed while sitting on the pot which resulted in a vacuum seal around her ample derriere. She then could not get up. She was stuck. Mythbusters wanted to find if this was possible and chose Kari’s posterior for posterity. They took a mold of the hind-quarters and did the test. Result: It’s a myth. Couldn’t happen. Didn’t happen. So ladies and gentlemen, if you’re unable to see what’s behind you, feel free to flush while seated. You have nothing to fear.
Prior to Mythbusters, Kari worked as a martini taster/tester. Hired by a liquor company, she would work undercover by going to bars and ordering up a martini. She would then report back to the liquor company whether the bartender was making the martini up to snuff.
Exclaims Kari, “Can you believe I get paid for this?!” And I predict that will be the title of her autobiography she will soon write. She doesn’t know it yet, but she will.
Mythbusters – on the Discovery Channel, Wednesdays at 9:00.

ACT 5: And now it’s time for a LATE SHOW Al Qaeda Update. The LATE SHOW congratulates Al Qaeda #2 man, Ayman al Zawahiri on his narrow escape from a missile attack over the weekend. You win our Lucky Militant of the Week prize: a Black & Decker Electric Hedge Trimmer. To claim your prize, stop by U.S. Military Headquarters in Kandahar! This has been a Late show Al Qaeda Update. Thanks for watching, and keep it real! BRB!

MATISYAHU: From his CD, “Live at Stubb’s”, Matisyahu performed “King Without a Crown.” Google ‘Matisyahu’ for an interesting back story.

And that was our show for Monday, January 16, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I missed out on Saturday’s NFL playoff games, instead celebrating my sister-in-law’s 50th birthday with 23 others in a limousine bus to NYC for dinner. Now that’s the way to spend a Saturday afternoon and evening. Good fun, good drinks, good friends, good drinks. Thankfully, no one had a video camera. Happy Birthday, Eileen.

From the January 9th, 2006 Wahoo Gazette, regarding the CBS coverage of Bengal’s quarterback Carson Palmer getting injured on his 2nd offensive play of the game last week:

OK, it's official, I'm the only one who is bothered by the stuff I see on sports TV. I think what the networks show during the telecast is so incredibly annoying and stupid at times, but no one else seems to thinks so. . . . except maybe for Phil Mushnick of the New York Post. So I'm watching the Bengals/Pittsburgh Steelers playoff game. The 2nd offensive play for the Cincinnati Bengals is a long completed pass play. Big gain. Unfortunately, Bengal quarterback Carson Palmer gets hit on the play and is on the ground in pain. It doesn't look good. The 2nd play and the Bengals star player is down on the ground hurt. This changes everything. Their whole season is lying on the ground. Everything the Bengals have worked for since July is now in question. Without Carson Palmer, the Cincinnati Bengals are a much different team. This is a BIG story. How bad is he injured? Can he walk it off, or is the injury bad enough to finish him for the game, or the season? This is a huge story and CBS is right there to show it unfold right before our eyes. Or at least I thought CBS would be right there. Right at this moment, CBS takes the opportunity to go away to show us a bed of commercials. WHY? Nothing is more compelling at this moment than the injury to the Bengals most important player. This is incredibly gripping television. Nobody at home at this moment got up to make a sandwich. Everyone was glued to see how this story would unfold. But no. CBS decides to go to commercial with Carson Palmer still on the ground. It is the story of the playoffs and CBS is there LIVE . . . but decides to leave the scene to sell some beer and automobiles. CBS had the whole game to make good on their commitment to their advertisers . . . why did they have to go away now? I was screaming at the TV, and I'm neither a Bengal fan nor a Steeler fan. I'm just a sports fan who can recognize a story as it happens. But the next day, I read nothing about the commercial break in the newspapers. I hear nothing about it on the sports radio shows. It's only me. No one else cares. No one else notices. I don't get it.
And from today’s New York Post, sports scribe Phil Mushnick opened his column this way:
January 16, 2006 -- BEST Seat In The House Blues, Again, Mama: Last weekend, CBS took The Story of the Game — Bengals star QB Carson Palmer was down and not getting up after his second play from scrimmage — and bolted, as if The Story of the Game was no big deal.
Two minutes of commercials and network promos later, CBS returned us in time to see Palmer being carted away. We never even got to see where and how he was loaded into that cart. This past Saturday, one week later, almost to the minute, it was, Hello, darkness, my old friend, Take 2.
In the first quarter of Skins-Seahawks, NFL MVP Shaun Alexander went down and wasn't getting up. Fox, which had just spent much of its pre-game show telling us Alexander is the moon, the stars and the sun, then bolted for two minutes of commercials.
When we were returned, we saw Alexander on the bench, still kinda out of it. How did he get to there? Did he crawl? Was he helped? Did he call a cab? Apparently, it was none of our business”
Ahhh, isn’t that great? I knew Phil Mushnick would see it the way I saw it. I’m sure I would have been screaming at the TV on Saturday, too, if I had seen the game.

Oh, and if FOX is going to show us the family of Pittsburgh Steeler Jerome Bettis in the stands every time he gains 4 or more yards, then show us the family after he fumbles the ball on the 2-yard line and nearly loses the game on could have been the biggest fumble in NFL history.

From Friday’s USA Today:

“New Jersey has come up with a new state slogan: ‘Come See For Yourself. The slogan was the top choice among 11,000 votes cast by residents for 5 final entries. The contest was launched after Gov. Richard Codey rejected a marketing company’s proposal, We’ll Win You Over.’ Voters rejected ‘Expect the Unexpected,’ ‘Love at First Sight,’ ‘The Real Deal,’ and ‘The Best Kept Secret.’
The winning slogan’s author, transit agency worker Jeffrey Antman, won two tickets to a New Jersey Nets or Devils game, and a two-night stay at a golf resort – in New Jersey, of course.”
Can you tell what bothers me about the above story? It can be found right there in the article I reprinted. Read it again and see if you see what I saw.

What does the author of the winning slogan get? “Two tickets to a New Jersey Nets OR a Devils game.” OR! OR! You mean the guy can’t get both? OR? Jiminy crickets. OR! “Sorry, you have to choose either the Nets or the Devils. You can’t have both.” Forget that the whole winning prize is chintzy, but Jersey couldn’t come up with two tickets for each the Devils and the Nets? Come on, New Jersey. How could that get past your quality control? The Devils play in front of 7,000 empty seats a night in their 18,000-seat arena and the Nets can’t sell out a game during the NBA Finals.
Oh, I have a few ideas for a new New Jersey slogan.
“New Jersey: Take It or Leave It.”
“New Jersey: You Can’t Have Everything”

And while we’re talking hockey, this too was in the USA Today. The New York Islanders General Manager Mike Milbury made this eighth coaching change in nine years. Ummm, maybe the problem is with the guy doing the hiring.

Why I wish the Colts had won: The outrage over the 4th quarter Polamalu interception reversal to incomplete would have been incredible and tremendously entertaining. And the stories told of “The Fumble” would have lived on forever. The most disappointed man following Roethlisberg’s tackle of Nick Harper was Joe Pisarcik.

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