Bulldozed.

• Frances Trombly at Castillo.
• At Locust, Chicago artist Amber Hawk Swanson and a life-sized silicone sex doll she commissioned in her own likeness.
• Dorsch: big group show with a few of the regulars, a few new names, and Hugo.
• Jay Hines at Twenty Twenty.
• MoCA warehouse has a show of work from their collection up, from last month. Excellent time to check it out, I’d think.
• Also up from last month: Gavin’s show at Snitzer . Actually it’s not. Snitzer needs to get on the ball updating that flash thing he calls a website.
• Hardcore. Say what you will, but I’ve never stopped by without seeing a few things that rocked.
• Gye-Hoon Park and Jill Hotchkiss at Lowenstein.
• David Shaw at Bruk.
• Cristina Lei Rodriguez at Perrotin
• Kalup Linzy opening at Moore.
• Grab a coffee at Wynwood Art Lounge next to Snitzer. Something Map Magazine is puting together. Live music.

Sorry, rough night last night. If you know of something good, hit the comments. I’ll try to put together an itinerary for the gallery walk by noon tomorrow. Meanwhile:

• New Times — has a pretty good calendar section.
• Sun Post — a very comprehensive list, but double-check their dates before you just show up for something.
• Flavorpill — generally a very good ‘curated’ list.
• Sweat Records — clubs, concerts, and cupcakes.
• Meetup.com — staggering stuff. For example, the bellydancing group is big.
• Theater League — theoretically comprehensive listings of plays and such, though I’ve never been able to figure out their website.
• Miami Beach 411 — sometimes has a ‘I’m Bored, What’s There To Do?’ post, but not this week so far.
• Miami Nights — sometimes they throw you a bone.
• Still desperate? Try the Herald ‘entertainment’ page, but careful — they’ve got people hard at work trying to defeat your popup blocker.

Most people have heard of the Morikami but haven’t been there, because it seems so far away. Actually, it’s less then an hour from Miami, and totally worth the trip. Hours are from 10 am to 5 pm, and I’d recommend getting there on the early side, as the highly rated restaurant inside the museum closes at 3 pm. Click the photo above to see a slideshow of what it’s like.

23 miles west of the Turnpike on Tamiami Trail (click the map above for Google directions), in the heart of the northern Everglades, sits something rather remarkable — an all-access, super-easy nature trail known as Shark Valley. The trail is paved, and accessible by foot, bicycle (bring your own or rent), or tram tour. By bike, it’s just the right length that just about anyone can sit on a bike and finish it at a leisurely pace. The trail is a loop, so at the end you end up back at the visitor center, but at the far end you’re deep into the Everglades, far from civilization, with the birds and the alligators. It’s sort of a must-do for anyone who lives anywhere in South Florida.

This is what it’s really like in the Everglades. Peaceful, and stretching on into forever with grass, occasional patches of solid ground and a few trees, and swamp (note the water visible at the bottom of this photo.

Bleh, I don’t have a photo of the gators you see hanging out just off the path, but they’re there. (No worries, they’ll leave you alone.) Did get this little guy sunning himself, though.

Mostly what you get is lots and lots of birds, in all different shapes and sizes. Not sure what this fellah was hunting in the muck. Something delicious probably. Previously, we met this guy.

At the farthest end of the loop, you come to a rather improbably lookout tower. The views are fantastic, but again, it’s more about the vastness, not something you can reproduce in a photo. Go check it out for yourself.

So, as I was pulling into Key West a few weeks ago, I called up our friend, and Key West authority, Squathole to figure out where to have a big post-100-mile dinner. “Pepe’s,” he says, “hold on, let me see if their address is printed on the bottle of hot sauce I bought there.” Well, it was, but whether through my bad hearing or S’s bad vision, I ended up with the wrong address: 506 Caroline, right off Duval. After looking for it, giving up, looking for someplace else to eat, not finding anything promising, I ended up finding Pepe’s up the street at 806 Caroline.

From first glance you can tell it’s going to be perfect: Pepe’s opened in 1909 and looks it. It looks a little shacky from the outside, but inside is surprisingly cozy, blending indoor and outdoor spaces with equal parts Key West shamble and fine dining. It looks empty from the outside but is actually packed — mostly with locals as it turns out, this being one of the places on the island they cherish.

The parrot guy holds court, and expounds on the joy and life-long commitment that is parrot ownership (tip: never buy a parrot at a pet store). The parrot doesn’t talk, but instead likes to imitate other animals. He does a pretty good pig. I made pals with seasoned locals Ollie, his wife, and the parrot guy, who could totally get babes if he tried.

So the food. Well, first beer: there is exactly one beer on tap. It’s Yuengling, and it’s $1 per glass, and it tastes absolutely perfect when it’s on tap and you’ve got no choice. (I strongly advocate the 1-beer concept to other restaurants, btw. It’s got charm, and so long as it’s a half-way decent beer it will make people happy.) I think I drank about 6 over the next couple of hours. The food is surprisingly gourmet. Pepe’s style fish comes with melted cheese, but I opted for the blackened. It came prefectly cooked, generously portioned, and with fancy presentation, vegetable, and mashed potato. The rule of thumb in the Keys seems to be that the seafood is fresher and better, but not really any cheaper, than Miami, and so it was. Apparently Pepe’s has a master pie baker, so leaving without pie is considered self-in-foot-shooting. There’s a daily pie special(!), Ollie ordered a slice to go, and I followed suit, which meant killer macadamia nut and chocolate chip pie for breakfast next morning. Need I say more?

Pepe’s Cafe
806 Caroline Street, Key West, Fl.
(305) 294-7192

Hey kids, it’s non-Dade week here at CM, bringing you a random sampler of attractions from “the greater South Florida area.” You know, I’ve always had a feeling about the expression “South Florida” — it’s an expression that you hear in Broward much more often than in Dade. It’s the Miami Herald, but the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, and I’ve always had the impression that it was an expression used by people who don’t live in Miami to make it sound like there’s no real distinction.

Anyway, on to Crabby Jack’s. Let me make clear that this is not a place to make a trip from Miami to visit. BUT should you find yourself hungry and driving down US-1 in the northernmost reaches of Broward County, I’d implore you to stop in for one of their Dolphin sandwiches.

CJ’s oozes old-Florida charm. The building looks like it was designed by the owner on the back of a napkin and build by his college buddies over spring break many decades ago. Exposed beams, brightly painted, hold the roof on, and big home made skylight let dramatic pools of light into the cavern-like room. Slats outside the winddows that circle the building let in a little more, but the feeling is not unlike a fort. “Stuff” covers the walls, but not in that charming-but-clean TGIFriday’s kind of way — this stuff is decades old. The menus stick together. Buckets on the tables hold flyers advertising 3-for-1 beers and bingo night. Most of the people in here on an early afternoon are sitting at the bar. A sign proclaims that smoking is permitted after 10 pm, and I think that’s an essential aspect of the atmosphere; it doesn’t reek of cigarettes during the day, but it has that “people smoke here at night” vibe. The waitresses wear tiny shorts and stockings, just one step above Hooter’s uniforms (one of them spent a good solid 10 minutes adjusting her boobs in her tank top in plain view of me, not that I’m complaining or anything).

But oh, that fish sandwich. Unbelievably moist, tasty, and generously sized. It comes plain or blackened, big slice of lemon, tomato and lettuce on a good roll, with near-perfect fries and that tartar sauce that makes you realize what tartar sauce is supposed to be — more creamy than mayonnaisy. Perfecto.

Crabby Jack’s
1015 S. Federal Highway
Deerfield Beach, FL 33441
954.429.3770

• Sweet jesus, the fucking Minutemen. Did you catch REM on Colber the other night, and he asked them what was the biggest band they’d ever toured with, and they said the Minutemen, “that guy was huge“ . . .
• How to detect photo forgeries.
• Don’t eat anything that doesn’t rot.
• May your life never be the same agian: muxtape. Check out Rex’s muxtape and Chad’s muxtape, and see also the Wired guide.
• I doubt it, but this guy claims to be able to make your rich. Maybe he can at least keep you from being so damn poor.
• Because no matter what, you probably don’t feel guilty enough about your food.
• Note to self: Mod Canon cameras. The decision to switch from Nikon is looking better all the time. I recently sent a pavement-smashed lens to Canon, and they fixed it for free.
• Caution, this might be considered local (not to mention OLD), but from Scott’s post at MB411 we get a crucial question: does a black woman from England get to call herself “African-American” on her Miami modeling gig?
• Hey all you people that keep asking me how to “record a dvd to my computer,” click here.
• The dilemma of humanity encapsulated in a single Q-and-A.
• Ariel’s pictures of the kids he teaches in Beijing.
• Wow, Dave Barry wrote something funny for a change.
• Crazyguyonabike Cycling from Key West to Springfield, Mass.
• A few more “notes to self” which y’all can safely disregard: FiberSpoke (not even sure you can buy this anymore), Make Like Paper (does not sound irl what it looks like on the screen), and how to sew on a button (I have a few that are like hanging by a thread).
• It’s the first of May, the first of May. Outdoor fucking starts today. This song will be stuck in your head for days. Resistance is fulitile.
• Foreign Policy’s Top 100 Intellectuals. Go look, but don’t EVEN vote — come on, you’ve heard of less then 20 people on that list!
• Dean Allen, the guy who made Textpattern, has a blog. Read the one about his dad and the one about embedded video and tell me he’s not great. Also he makes room on his about page to take down Lost.
• % alcohol in various beers. Information you can use.
• Oh, this is just perfect: ‘Stunning’ LEGO® creations.
• This thing is technically an ad, but I don’t care: drop what you’re doing and go watch it. NOW!!

• Cinco de MiMo festival, lots of stuff happening all weekend. Save yourself squinting at the website and drop by Upper Eastside Garden (7244 Biscayne) tonight and grab a program.
• I haven’t plugged movies in a long time, but 4 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days has had quite the buzz about it. Playing at Miami Beach Cinematheque.
• While at it, the Canes Film Festival (that’s with 1 ‘n’).
• Emerging Choreographers Series.
• Tonight: Local heroes The Postmarks play at The Vagabond.
• Shpringsteen, y’all.
• Saturday: Storytelling Festival at the Downtown library.
• BB King at the Bank Atlantic Center.
• The New World Symphony celebrates its 20th anniversary with not the most exiting program of Tchaikovsky and Stravinsky at the Arsht Center.
• Sunday: The Poetry of Seamus Heaney, A discussion (and recital, I should hope), 4 pm at John Martin’s.
• Miami FC fights the Carolina Railhawks.
• Monday: I also don’t normally worry about Monday, but I’ve been asked to inform you that All Scheduled Shows at Studio A are still on As Scheduled. And the next scheduled show is Monday. So. Go show your support. Maybe Studio A should have a big fundraiser night or something.
• And as long as I’m here, Radiohead and Eric Clapton at various joints around town.

Last week, the Miami-Dade commission approved several developments beyond the UDB, and while the developments are still up in the air pending a mayoral veto, this spells trouble. A Time Magazine article very nicely lays out the compromised integrity of various members of the commission (“One of the Lowe’s project’s biggest backers on the commission is Jose “Pepe” Diaz, who is under federal investigation for allegedly receiving gifts from developers whose plans he’d voted for.”), but it also points out a larger point.

Nominally underway is a $10 billion Everglades restoration project funded by the federal government. In actuality, the whole effort is troubled and behind schedule. How, the Time article asks, can South Florida expect such a huge national investment in the ‘glades when we can’t resist paving more and more of it over? (via TM)

Ahh, Florida legislature, how we love thee. Just in the last year you’ve screwed us out of having our votes counted, debated what can hang from the back of a truck, and now this: the good folks in Tallahassee are considering the ‘I Believe’ license plate.

Now, this is an easy opportunity to engage in a little open Christian-bashing — and believe me, I’ll get into that in a second — but let’s consider the central argument against the plate. Sayeth Howard Simon, executive director of the ACLU of Florida,
“[it] sends a message that Florida is essentially a Christian state” and, second, gives the “appearance that the state is endorsing a particular religious preference.”

Well no, it doesn’t do that. Florida has some 200 different specialty tags. Does anyone think the state legislature in any meaningful way “endorses” the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Florida Memorial University, or NASCAR? Of course not. What we have here is the highly dubious enterprise of the state raising revenue through its vehicle licensing arm. You can question the whole enterprise, but letting it go for the last 200 plates and then suddenly deciding that this one is somehow extra-contemptible is absurd. Of course there is no shortage of folks ready to do just that. But sorry, the state isn’t forcing anyone to get this plate or making it the default choice. And a quick glance at the list of current specialty tags makes it clear that yes, this plate will soon be followed by plates for a plethora of other religions, and maybe even one for us atheists (several folks have suggested a Flying Spaghetti Monster plate). The state’s policy has been clear: it’ll print a plate if it thinks more then a couple of dozen people are interested. No sane person would infer any sort of approval.

There are certain areas where the state should draw the line. I’m personally still horrified every time I see the “Choose Life” plate. Does one of the most agonizingly troubled moral debates of our time need to be reduced to a license plate? Should the Florida Transportation department be used as a revenue collection agency for assholes who harass pregnant women? Don’t I have a right not to be reminded of abortions of all things, when I drive down the road? By any reasonable, objective, standard this plate is a universe more offensive then some silly deceleration of faith.

Oh, about those Christians. Well, honestly: what can you say about folks who want to proclaim their religious belief through so tacky a means? Have you guys read the bible? You know it wants you to stone adulterers and gays to death, right? You’re cool with that. You know your precious pope is helping the cause of AIDS by opposing condom distribution in Sub-Saharan Africa, right? What, you don’t support those things? So, the bible is the word of God or is it not? Yeah… I believe there is a word for you: hypocrite. (That’d make a good license plate!)

As for the rest of us, let’s take a deep breath and go with it, as well as with the other religious plates that are sure to follow. The “endorsement” is non-existent, and remember that separation between church and state is a balance. It says that you trust in God on your money, after all.

• Schubert, Berg and the Lyricism of Vienna, a festival of events (many free) anchored by performances by the New World Symphony (which are not free).
• Opens 4.48 Psychosis at The Naked Stage, a “porthole into the mind of a mentally ill woman.”
• Also opens Handel’s Julius Caesar at Arsht Center and 12 Angry Men at the Broward Center.
• Miami Gay & Lesbian Film Festival.
• Tonight: The Hobo Film Festival starts its US tour tonight at Sweat, 8 pm. (Thanks Lolo)
• Viernes Culturales.
• Saturday: Zen Art Faire at Wallflower.
• Green Living Expo in Ft. Lauderdale (so don’t go).
• Elisabeth Condon: Seuss Dynasty, one of three excellent shows currently up at Dorsch, got reviewed by Michelle Weinberg (but I prefer the Grant Haffner stuff).
• ANR at Upper Eastside Garden.
• Not sure who goes to see Bon Jovi these days (40-something women?), but this Saturday is your chance.
• Sunday: Crap, as always. If so inclined, the Euro Car Show.