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The transmission tax

  • ring, ring
  • Good afternoon, Joe's Yugos Emporium. My name is Dick. How can I help you?
  • Hi. Um, I want to purchase a Yugo plz.
  • Certainly sir. We have lots of Yugos, after all that's what we do. What model year and features were you specifically interested in today?
  • What? Oh, hi. Um, 1986 red, with AM/FM radio.
  • Of course. As it happens, we have several in stock right now. Would you like to come over and--
  • Yeah, listen. I want the Yugo without a transmission.
  • Excuse me sir? Did you say you want to buy the car without a transmission?
  • Yes, that's right. Didn't you hear me? I said no transmission.
  • Well, that's going to be a bit difficult sir. After all, the transmission is rather necessary to operate the car--
  • I don't care. I have my own transmission. I'm a member of the Free Transmissions Guild. I just want the car to put in the transmission.
  • Ok, I understand sir. But we can't remove the transmission from the car to sell it to you, we just don't do that.
  • What? Why not? It's just a transmission. Put the car on the lifting thingie, remove some screws and bring the car back down. Done. What's so hard about that?
  • It's more complicated than that, sir. And like I said, we don't do that.
  • So you're telling me that I'm going to have to pay for a part of the car that I don't want, just because you bastards won't remove it?? That's unfair! That's a predatory practice if I ever saw one! All I want is a damn car without trans--
  • Yes sir, no need to get excited. But I must insist that if you want to buy one of our fine Yugos, you must take the transmission along with it. If you want, you can remove it later and put in your own.
  • No! NO, NO, NO!! I'm not going to pay for your crappy transmission!! That's like paying a tax on the car, a tax which I don't want to pay!!
  • Sir, the transmission is really not that expensive. The car is worth about $4000 retail; the transmission must be what, $100 from the factory, tops? And besides, it's not like you don't need the transmission to drive the car from the lot, eh? And it's not a "crappy" transmission, either. It works just fine. 96% of Yugo owners never have any trouble with them.
  • I don't give a hoot about your transmission. I know those transmissions are crappy, my cousin Bert told me. He's a member of the Free Transmissions Guild as well, and he knows a lot about transmissions. He said that this one time, the transmission came loose from his Yugo and killed a neighbor. So, I want the Yugo without it.
  • Your cousin?
  • Yeah, and Mort from work has to patch it every day because it leaks!!
  • The transmission leaks?
  • Yes, it does! He drove it over some rocks and now the piece of crap leaks! What kind of piece of crap is that, huh? Huh?
  • Right. Sir, just out of curiosity — just what is so wonderful about your "free transmissions" again?
  • Glad you asked. You're curious, aren't you? Everyone is. Well, for starters, the transmissions are free. Anyone can come over to our club house and pick one up.
  • I see.
  • Second, these transmissions can shift from 4th gear to 2nd while still doing 90mph!!1!
  • Really. And what good is that? Have you ever downshifted to 2nd gear while doing 90?
  • No, but the transmission can do it. It's about the freedom of knowing I can do it. Don't you understand??
  • I guess not. I mean, that would probably ruin the transmission, no?
  • We don't know. We've never tried it. But we have freedom. Don't you see?
  • I suppose not sir, I'm sorry. So, getting back to topic, are you interested in purchasing a Yugo today?
  • Yes, but I want it without a transmission, kthx.
  • Sir, I thought I made it clear we don't remove transmissions from our cars.
  • That's ridiculous!! Why don't you people just build the car without a transmission and let people put in whatever transmission they want?
  • Because most people are not interested in installing transmissions, sir. They just want to drive away in the car they just bought.
  • Hah! They are lusers! LUSERS!! True freedom only comes from installing your own transmission! Having a Free Transmission is a god-given right that no one should--
  • OK sir, let me ask you this: do you provide manuals for installing your free transmissions?
  • It's Free Transmissions. And no, we don't.
  • And how do you expect people to put the transmission in?
  • Everyone who drives a car must know how to install a transmission!!1! It should be a requirement for driving and--
  • OK sir, what about fluid. You know, transmission fluid?
  • No, we don't provide fluid either.
  • Ah. And tools? The tools to install the transmission?
  • No...
  • And do you service these transmissions, like our supplier does?
  • No... erm, well, see — that's where the profit is!! Supporting teh transmissions!!!
  • I see. And the calibration equipment?
  • Um, no, not that either, but--
  • Where do you test your transmissions, sir, if I may ask? Do you have a proving grounds area where you load them into a car chassis and run them for 72 hours under different environmental conditions?
  • No.. um, well, we get some reports from people who have used them and--
  • Really. And just how many "customers" do you have, sir?
  • Well, there's my cousin Bert and a few friends from across the road...
  • I see.
  • WE DO THE BEST WE CAN, YOU CAPITALIST PIG!!1!
  • Calm down sir. So, you have some transmissions that may or may not work, that require considerable time and expense to install and have the dubious distinction of being able to shift from 4th to 2nd gear while doing 90mph, although you're not sure if that will actually work or just strip the transmission to heck. Right?
  • Well, you make it sound all bad and stuff...
  • You must admit it doesn't sound quite right sir. I mean, really.
  • Yeah, well... um, what are you, some sort of Evil Transmission Astroturfer??
  • No sir, I just work here. And you did call us, remember? So, we were talking about your purchase of a '86 model with all the extras...
  • Yes, but without a transmission.
  • Sir, I'll tell you what. Why don't you call Pancho's Garage, tell them to sell you all the parts needed to build a Yugo — except for the transmission, of course — and build your own Yugo instead?
  • Yeah, well... that's what we're going to do. But I wanted to see if you people from Joe's Yugo$ (HAHAHAHA!!!) Emporium had come to your senses and decided to join the Free Transmission Revolution. Apparently you're as evil as the people who build the transmissions!!
  • Come to our senses sir? We just sell Yugos. Honestly we don't care about the transmissions — free or otherwise.
  • Oh yeah!!?? You just wait!! In a few years EVERYONE will be using our transmissions and all you big ugly monolothic corporations that are in cahoots with the Evil Transmission Makers will fall!! Nothing will be left of you!! No one will remember you!!! I swear by the Gonads of Strafe and Yatta teh Great!!! From my parent's basement in Wisconsin I stab at thee!!! You slimey--
  • click
  • Sigh.
  • ring, ring
  • Good afternoon, Joe's Yugo Emporium. My name is Dick. How can I help you today?
  • Hi. Um, I want to purchase a Yugo k?
  • Certainly sir. What model year and features were you interested in today?
  • I want a 1987 model, blue.
  • Wonderful! We have those in stock! When would you be able to drive down to the dealership and--
  • Yeah, but listen — I'm a member of the Open Fuel Tanks Foundation...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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