Sometimes things happen that you can't just shrug off. Sometimes your state of mind is such that an event can affect you on a deeply personal level. It can affect you so much that you are prepared to make massive sacrifices to prevent said event happening again.
I recently paid off my personal loan after eleventy billion years. This means I have a lot more disposable income to throw around. I was planning on throwing it into taking flying lessons. But no longer. Now I'm going to get a car. Sure, I live in the inner city and have loads of public transport available to me. But therein lies the problem. Public transport. Or more specifically, the scum that travel on it.
Twice in six months I have been on the receiving end of some depraved man's sexual desire.
The first happened on a pack tram on my way home back in January, my partner was at boot camp at the time. Now, trams break in such a way that means you lean into the person next you a fair bit, so I didn't think anything of a guy leaning on me as we slowed to go round a corner. I started to get concerned when he didn't straighten himself up after the turn. Then I felt his erection on my thigh. I was too much of a chicken to say anything and I got off the tram and walked home in a rage, wanting to talk to my partner but not wanting to stress him out while he was at boot and could do nothing. Some friends took me out for midnight pancakes with bacon and things were a bit better, but something had really shaken me.
And then this morning happened. Standing on the tram, noticed the guy standing next to me was either staring right at me, or at my hair - knee length bright red dreadlocks get a bit of attention. But then I realised his left hand was deep in his pants' pocket, and moving quite a bit. He continued to stare at me and I became more certain it wasn't my hair he was looking at. I tried to look straight ahead and kept thinking "maybe he has an itch, maybe he's not doing what I think he is doing". Just then, the school girl sitting in front of me looked up and made eye contact with him. The hand movements got faster as the guy's attention turned on the girl. She couldn't have been more than 13. He started moaning and eventually groaned out "Hallelujah" when the woman opposite the schoolgirl told the man to get off the tram. He got violent and threatened to "smash" everyone before barging his way off.
Maybe I'm overly sensitive. But I can't shake this. I can't help but feel violated, like some sort of trust has been ripped away from me. And I guess that's what has happened. As you board a bus or tram, you trust the other passengers are like you and will respect your personal space. You trust they won't rub their giblets on your body. You trust they won't fucking masturbate over you and a 13 year old schoolgirl. It wasn't even a Friday night - you could expect a drunk might do something like that under the influence of alcohol in an almost empty tram. But this was a peak hour morning tram. I was going to work. She was going to school. We were surrounded by people. I had to fucking PAY MONEY THAT I WORKED TO EARN to catch that tram. I spent the morning looking at everyone with suspicion and distrust. And I will continue to feel this way.
The frustrating part of this is that no one but that man is to blame. I can't say "oh if Yarra Trams offered a safer service this wouldn't have happened" but there is nothing they could have done. There is nothing anyone can do. But I can do something. I can buy a fucking a car and add to the climate change problem, because frankly, to hell with human beings.
