Sunday, August 17, 2008

"Cake" Cruelty

Ladies and gentlemen of the cake community, I come to you today with a matter of grave concern to us all.

Allow me to present exhibit A:



These seemingly innocent "cakes" are instead a threat to all the sugary goodness we hold dear. Observe:


Once sliced, you will note that these "cakes" are not cakes at all. Instead, they are layers of various meat and mayo-based salads, bread, and then - here's the worst part - "iced" with cream cheese. Note how the creators of these twisted impostors then push the deception even further by decorating the "cakes" with little roses, vines, and piped borders.

I ask you, fellow carb-lovers, are we to allow such cake defamation to stand? Will we sit idly by while our children and grandchildren are subjected to cakes that are not cakes? And if so, what next? Liverwurst doughnuts? Tuna-filled eclairs? Meat pies? (Oh, wait...)

Nay, I say, nay! We shall rise up, and as one declare that our butter cream icing must remain unsullied, our baked goods pure in sugar. Join me, and together we can make our world a place of fat, sugar, and dairy-based products for all!


Melissa P., thanks for calling my attention to this adjusted unjust injustice. (Seashell-Selling She, eat your heart out.)

Friday, August 15, 2008

Gosh, Kermit, I Think I'd Get That Looked At...


The store selling these cakes (oh yes, there are more!) claims that they are watermelons.

Riiiight.

As you can see from this other example, the "slice" appears to have drifted southward over time, resulting in the truly unfortunate and rather alarming spectacle you see here. In fact, this guy could be the new spokesman for certain "personal care" items, don't you think? Can't you just see him bouncing across your television screen, his squeaky voice telling you to "ask your doctor if HerpAway is right for you!"?


Thanks to Bahktin for the pic, originally posted here.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

This Calls for a Celebration!


Would you believe someone's boss actually brought this into the office? (Or should I say, "The Office"? It certainly looks like something Michael would order for an office party, doesn't it?)

I love that someone - either the customer or the decorator - felt that "sexual harassment" needed to be illustrated. And I realize that the decorator can't be expected to be Picasso or anything, but check out how far the girl's feet are off the ground. Either that was the Spank Heard 'Round the World, or she's on an invisible step while Chuckles there digs for gold.

Before you ask, yes, I hear the boss got in some deep doo-doo. Can't imagine why, though; I mean, it's got a big red "NO" symbol over it, doesn't it? And all those spanking demonstrations were purely for educational purposes, so really, what's the big deal?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I Believe the Children are Our Future


"Teach them well and LET them lead the way,
Show them all the [juvenile delinquency] they possess insiiiiide"


Because every four-year-old is searching for a hero, that’s why. And if that hero can bus’ a cap with his 9 mil (check the photo), so much the better.

Play on, Lil’ Derrick: play on.



Thanks to Mary B. for pointing this one out over on Photo Basement.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

In Honor of the 2008 Olympic Games

Such skill.

Such dignity.

Such...parentheses?

And quotation marks - can't forget the quotation marks:


(Three guesses what the customer asked for on the cake!)


Julie S., this one most definitely deserves a gold medal.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Play It Again, Wrecks.

Proving that the lightning of horrendous taste does indeed strike more than once, here are some designs that may look a wee bit familiar:

Remember this?
Here's another bride who thought an edible version of herself was a smashing idea:

We can only hope that the baker wasn't finished when this photo was taken, of course. I would assume this is the "topper" for an edible skirt - but it's anyone's guess why there are no arms.


Next up: remember the unforgettable baby bum cake? Well, it evidently started a trend:

This just might be more disturbing than the original Wreck, since there isn't even a possibility of the front end existing. It's just a bisected baby with waxy-looking legs being cruelly taunted with that tiny little teddy bear. I mean, really, how's she supposed to play with that? Sheesh, some people are so insensitive...

But(t) wait: there's more! Yes, if that doesn't strike your fancy, here's an assortment of bums to choose from - with the added dubious advantage of looking absolutely nothing like a baby's lower half:



Continuing the shower theme (since it tends to be the worst offender), let's move on to the Wreck that introduced the word "wachungas" into my vocabulary:

As many of you have pointed out, this is actually a beautifully done cake: it's just a wrecktastic design. Brace yourself, though, because this is about to become a veritable beacon of subtlety and good taste. Ready? Here goes...

I think I saw this outfit modeled on one of Maury Povich's "Who's the Daddy?" episodes.


But even that is restrained compared to this:

Because every woman who's 8 months pregnant just loves getting Brazilians and lounging in a teensy tiny bikini...with her stethoscope.

Um. What?

Oh, wait, I get it! The stethoscope is cold, see? That explains the whole Cuban missile crisis issue going on up there, if ya knowuddamean.

And lastly, please put down any food or beverage items, because I unfortunately must remind you of this dry-heave-inducing creation:

Everyone still have those beverages at a safe distance? No food in your mouths? Ok, good. Proceed.


And with that, I will leave you. Enjoy your lunches now, y'hear?


Thanks to Joy D., Stephanie F., Summer, Marz, & J.B. for the photos.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Ode to Irony


This is poetry in frosting, folks. In fact, I think I feel a Haiku coming on…


Sweet tasting mistakes,
Such standards for our children:
Weep for our future.


Thanks to Monique R., one of my dedicated "Wreckporters", for the pic.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Extra Terrible


What the customer said:

“So we’re throwing a going-away party for our friend, and we’d like you to write “Good luck at U.C.”, since that’s the college she’s going to. Also, she’s a big E.T. fan – you know, from the movie? – so we want to incorporate that somehow. I’ll leave it up to you; we just want something E.T.- related on it. Can you do that? Yeah? Cool! Thanks!”


What the decorator heard:
Blah blah blah, write blah E.T. blah blah on it. Blah.”


What the decorator was thinking:
“Okey doke, easy peasy, now I’ll just write 'Good Luck'... oh, wait: does 'good' have two 'o's or two 'd's? Dang. Oh well, I’ll just make this letter look a little like both. There! No one will notice anyway. Ok, and then: 'at…U.C…'...thank goodness that doesn’t need any periods; those are so hard to do with this icing! Ok, let’s see here…you know, I think I'm going to go the extra mile for these folks and write E.T. on it THREE times. And I’m pretty sure just the 'E' has a period… yeah, that looks right. Dum dee dum…. There! All done! Aw, they are just going to love me.”

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Cake for a Cat-Lover

I think the baker captured that blank look of mortal terror quite well, don't you?


So for dog lovers, this is a "Creepy Cake". For cat lovers, it's "Just Funny". What say you, readers?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

FHOTD, This One's For You

So my adorable hubby, who pays far more attention to this stuff than I do, tells me that yesterday nearly 5,000 of you were referred to Cake Wrecks from a blog about horses. Which, you know, is a little odd. But hey (or should I say, "hay"?), I'm not complaining. Welcome, horse lovers!! Well, I mean, horse-riding lovers, nothing sick or anything... Wait, horse-riding doesn't sound any better...Geez, uh...

Here's a cake for ya'll, anyway:


In case you're wondering, it's a horse butt. Because, you know, all the cake baby butts were getting SO last week.

I am kind of curious about the "Good luck in life with Lacy & Tina" thing, though. The most charitable route would be to assume Lacy & Tina are themselves horses. If not, whoever commissioned this cake has a whole lotta 'splainin to do.

And Shara S., I agree: the tail IS rather worrisome.

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

Remember the cake that started it all? Of course you do. Here are a few more cakes that show you can know English without understanding the language.

I especially love how the decorator tried to cram in some quotation marks - which, ironically, would have been the correct usage for once.

Sometimes stupidity takes so much more effort.

The instructions were "Write 'Happy Birthday Calvin' in green," as in green icing. I'm surprised the decorator didn't write it like this: "Gre - Happy Birthday Calvin - En".


Today's Wrecks provided by: Erin M., Debbie M., and Emily G.

Proof That Shameless Begging Works

Ah, how sweet it is to be back posting here on Blogger, dear readers.

As you probably know from the sidebar note I had posted, Blogger's anti-spam measures disabled my account last Friday afternoon, along with countless others. For the past five days I have been pleading on the Blogger Help Group boards for a live person to a) unlock my account, or failing that, to b) acknowledge my existence. I tried being polite. Then I tried being a little snippy. When those both failed, I resorted to the time-proven tactic of shameless begging.

My post this morning read as follows:

"Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please pretty pretty pretty pretty please?!?"

About four hours later: bingo! Cake Wrecks is unlocked!

See, it really does work sometimes, guys. ;)

Thanks to all of you who checked in on me during my virtual absence: I'd take you guys over any other blog's readers, any day. Ya'll rock.

Now, back to the Wreckiness!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Cake Wreckin' Under-Achievers, Unite!

You know how it is for some of these grocery-store bakery decorators: some days they're just not reaching their full cake-wrecking potential. On those days they give their airbrush, questionable design choices, and horrific color palettes a rest, and instead produce a simpler, quieter kind of wreck. A wreck that says, with world-weary disdain, "Hey, I make $7 an hour. Deal with it."




I guess the cracked icing counts as decoration.




While I'm sure Tim appreciated the baby-pink roses for his big 4-0, I get the feeling that someone really enjoyed skewering the cake with those candles, dartboard style.





This cake is Cake Wrecks approved! Way to knock yourselves out, there, decorators!
(They get bonus points for the random capitalization.)



Thanks to Lindsey W., Jessica B., and Phoebe H. for the submissions.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ow.

I'm pretty sure I just burst a blood vessel in my right eye, looking at this.

[squinting] From what I can see, this appears to be a pimp-mobile on a suicide run through a radioactive river of blood - only it's a radioactive river of blood with jaunty blue outlining.

I love the extra cupcake stuck on the side, too: what's that supposed to be? A pit stop?

If you want to give yourself a migraine, try reading what it says in front of the car. Don't see any writing? Look closer. No, closer. Let's see...I think it says...

Dang it!

There went the other eye.



Jen E., I think you owe me a bottle of Visine.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drew's Birthday Wish


“Aaaaand here comes the birthday boy’s cake! Now, Drew, remember when your father and I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, and you said you wanted a second Xbox 360 for your game room, and we said no? You do? Well, do you remember what you asked to get for your birthday after that? (Look at me when I’m talking to you, young man.) Do you remember? No? C’mon, why don’t you tell your aunts and uncles and grandparents what you told us you wanted for your birthday, hmmm?”

[incoherent mumbling]

“What was that, sweetie? Did you say you asked for your father and I to die horrible deaths? Because that’s what I remember you asking for – isn’t that right, Charles? Isn’t that what Drew wanted for his birthday? Well, Drew, I’m so sorry we couldn’t oblige you this year – but maybe we WILL die horrible deaths one year soon, and then won’t you feel terrible for making that kind of request for your birthday? Well? Won’t you?"

[slamming cake down]

"So, hahah, here’s your birthday cake! Isn’t it lovely? I just hope that when your father and I really are rotting in our graves you’ll remember today, and you’ll think about how hurtful words can be."

[smiling brightly] "Now, who wants ice cream?"